Reviewer: Chindee

Now Listening: Be Mine by Infinite

Title: 5/5

At first, I was unsure of the title for the story. However after reading the story and the epilogue, I felt as though the title was perfect for the story and loved how symbolic the title was.

Poster: 8/10

The poster is nicely put together, showing the two main characters. As well as two items that held a strong meaning throughout the story. However, I deducted points as the poster shows different images from the pictures you provided as how the main characters should look like. As well as the ribbon on the sunhat not being the correct colour (as stated in the story) and the small girl statue does not look similar to how you described them in your story (no sunhat/not sad or happy).

Description and Foreword: 6/10

The description of the story is too detailed. As you have categorised the story as ‘mystery’, you should create some sort of ‘mystical’ feeling in the description rather than giving away the plot.

Plot: 8/10

The story was able to show the life of a Japanese family that didn’t reside in a city area. There were some parts that had me confused as to what era the story was set, however that was cleared up later in the story.

Originality: 11/15

I enjoyed the plot as it was a new plot that I haven’t read about before.  However, there were some parts of the plot that seemed similar to other fanfiction.

Flow: 5/10

The story seemed rushed. You introduced too many new characters without properly introducing and describing them. A lack of description can lead to confusion from the reader, as there is not enough information for the reader to properly imagine the characters and setting.

Grammar/ vocabulary/punctuation/spelling: 15/20

The grammar used throughout this story was sufficient. There were minor spelling mistakes; the main reason for deducted points was your punctuation.

“Shirika hugged her knees close to her body, the windy was rattling outside of the wooden cabin of her boyfriend’s house.” – I’m still unsure as to the meaning of the first sentence. At first, I thought you misspelt ‘wind’. However, if I replaced ‘windy’ with ‘wind’ it still didn’t make sense.

“She rested her head on his shoulder and made sure that Shota was inside the blanket then he she spoke.” – You accidentally added in the word ‘she’.

“The next morning, Shirika woke up in a surrounding that’s really familiar.” – Although “that’s” can be a contraction for “that was”, I read it as “that is”. So, I think you should write the contraction as its original form to not cause any confusion.

“…he rushed to Shota-san’s work cabin and kidnapped you back home…” – I’m not sure if “kidnapped” is the correct word to use in this case, maybe other words such as “brought” or “took”. “Kidnapped” gives off more of a hostile feel.

“Without questioning him, Shirika followed behind, secretly wondering where he’s going to take him.” – The “him” at the end of the sentence should either be “her” or “them”.

“They were enjoying the quiet surroundings, letting only the sound of horse’s breathing and the sound of stepping on leaves or branches accompany them.”  - Rather than use “and” as a conjunction, you should replace “and” with a comma.

“What is he thinking? Shirika thought in her mind.” – This could be improved by stating “Shirika questioned Shota’s actions in her mind.”

“…and as if the horse understood what he’s thinking…” – Again with the contraction, some words are better off written in their original form. Especially is you are shortening two words in past tense, as contractions are usually used when writing in present tense.

“Don’t touch it Yuto. We need everything to be right where it is so the police can investigate.” – You could end this with "Ryosuke replied” or something along those lines, as to not create confusion.

Besides minor spelling mistakes and punctuation, I was happy with the grammar of the story.

Writing style: 8/10

I  quite enjoyed your writing style but you need to describe the characters and setting in more depth.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

The story is understandable and I enjoyed the story! I liked how you showed how love can be bitter yet sweet at the same time.

In all, 74/100.

I hope that this review will be able to help you with your future fanfictions!

All the best,

Chindee.