I had managed to evade Gerald since our argument at my front porch. I really didn’t want to deal with him and this deep longing and empty feeling I’ve been getting lately whenever he’s not around. I focused all my energy on trying to excite my nerve endings for my upcoming date with Dave instead.

I felt so good about the prospect of having a normal, above-average looking guy for once that I even let Mel talk me into wearing tight white pants, trusting her opinion that my can’t look huge in anything…including white, -hugging pants. Paired with red, off-shoulder top, red hot stilettos and soft, long waves, I am trusting Mel that I have pulled off that glamorous yet y look. Of course I also have to kiss that person that invented those ingenious chicken fillets!

The goal was to make a grand entrance so I walked in ten minutes fashionably late. To my very unpleasant surprise, Dave’s was not the only head turning to my direction. This supposedly romantic date had just been officially granted a freak show status as the gorgeous smiling face of my ex-stalkee was beaming at me! To add insult to injury, he had one of those pretty beings surgically blessed with massive racks tagging along.

Knowing my dating history, I should have expected that a good normal date is asking for too much as far as my lovelife is concerned. Big deal! Like I would let that get in the way of what could still turn out to be a beautiful and successful night. After all, we are dining at the best seafood restaurant in the area! I will present myself with grace and poise and I will be funny as well as articulate. If all else fails, I would at least leave a great impression on both men. By the night of the night I will have two men charmed, conquered and a little bit in love.

Dave: Josh was thinking of a good place to take his date so I suggested this one. You don’t mind, right? It’s not like a double date or anything. They have their own table, they will be completely out of our way.

“No, not at all. The more the merrier.” Hopefully my cheerful tone masked the discomfort I was feeling deep down.

The good thing about Josh sitting in the opposite table is that I get a magnificent view of his beautiful face. The food will definitely taste extra good when I have his smile for my main meal!

Okay, okay…I know I said I was going to get over my Josh obsession but due to circumstances beyond my control, I would have to make tonight an exception. Besides, there’s nothing sinful about admiring God’s gorgeous creatures when it is displayed right at your face, right? Operation get over childish obsession with Josh definitely starts tomorrow, I swear!

Dave: Kim? Hello? Are you okay?

Huh? Oh dang! Dave! Right. I’m here with Dave. Focus Kimberly!

“Oh sorry Dave. What were you saying?”

Dave: The waiter here is asking you what you would like to order.

Oh right! I forgot that I had been looking at the menu for quite some time now but have been too busy appreciating Josh’s knicker-dropping features.

“Uhm, I’ll have whatever you’re having.”

Josh and his girl got their order first. I had to frown at his choice of meal. I mean, crabs I’m sure are very delicious but at least order them without the shell! How can I concentrate on my own date when I could not tear my eyes off how Josh is ruthlessly mutilating the poor crustacean?!

I cringed as I watched him break off the poor creature’s legs off its body and the white flesh out of them. Gross! How could I like such a sea-creature man? Major turn-off! His date doesn’t seem to mind but then again, all she ever does is giggle, blink and flash her bountiful cleavage. Somehow I doubted crabs would really concern her.

Dave: Kim, are you going to eat your marinara?

“Huh? Uhm, oh yeah. Sorry. I’m just a really slow eater.”

I suppose I have to muster a few bites despite my grossed-out state, out of courtesy to my date. And since I have agreed to date Dave, I really have to divert all attention to him rather than minding Josh’s crab-murdering business.

Dave and I were having a mildly entertaining conversation when I happened to glance at Josh’s direction. I really wish I hadn’t. The malicious sight upon my very eyes had jolted me enough to drop the calamari coated with read marinara sauce, straight into my perfectly white, clean pants!

While his mouth was ramming the bimbo’s throat, I managed to make my crotch look like it’s having its menstrual flow!

! ! Note to self: burn these darn pants! Never ever trust Mel’s wardrobe wisdom! Why didn’t I think of the disastrous consequences of wearing white pants? !

I was rushing to the bathroom with my bag covering my crotch when I felt a hand tugging my arm. “Are you okay?”

“Gerald?? What on earth are you doing here?!”

Why are all the men in my life suddenly showing up at the exact same place? Am I being set-up in one of those candid camera things?!

Gerald: Is everything okay?

“What in the world is happening? You can’t just casually ask me questions as if there’s nothing out of the ordinary here! Aren’t you supposed to be mad at me? I thought we’re not in speaking terms right now? Don’t tell me you happen to be on a date as well at the exact same restaurant, at the exact same day and time as I am?!”

Gerald: Calm down Kimmy! I have no intentions of interrupting you on your date at all. That’s why I’m keeping my distance. I am also fully aware that we’re not talking right now but I couldn’t feel at ease knowing that you’re on a date...with a cocky lifeguard nonetheless! I don’t trust that guy. And knowing your legendary dating history, I suspect that you’ll be needing me at some point of your date.

“Feeling mo naman you’re my knight in shining armour? What makes you so sure my date is going to go wrong at some point? Excuse me but my date is going absolutely incredibly great so you can get back to whatever it is you are doing!”

Gerald: Really now? So he’s sooo great despite the fact that he brought along a man that you love to stalk for a hobby, and you are more interested in watching the said man eat than actually interact with your date? Are you sure you don’t need my services? You look like you could use a pad or a tampon.

Oh ! My pants!

“It’s not blood, it’s sauce!”

Gerald: Sure it is honey. That’s a great cover but you really don’t need to get embarrassed with me, I understand women troubles and I was there when you first had your periods. I cried with you and helped you write that goodbye letter because you thought you were dying from some sort of cancer down under, remember?

“Arrgghhh!! I am not having my periods! Like as if I’d be stupid enough to wear white pants if I’m having my periods!”

I guess I am stupid enough to wear white pants close to any sort of sauce at all! Darn Gerald! Why does he have to be here for? Why can’t he mind his own business? He was not only irritating me with his annoying chuckle but he was also tailing behind, entering the ladies’ room and smooth talking the other girl in the bathroom to let him stay.

Gerald: Aww, do you really have to whack me while I’m helping you get this stain out? A thank you would suffice, you don’t have to resort to violence to show your gratitude.

(Yeah, yeah… I know how it looks. Ge and I are both attending to my stained crotch, rubbing it furiously with the paper towel…but seriously, there is nothing y about this situation!)

“You are disgusting! What is she, like 15? She’s not even of legal age for you to flirt with!”

Gerald: You are sooo cute when you’re jealous!

“Keep dreaming pretty boy! Like as if I would really be jealous of a little teeny bopper who could put you behind bars for ia!”

Jealous? Give me a break! Maybe a little bothered…enough to get me suddenly feeling so darn itchy…

Gerald: Oh God Kimmy! Please tell me you weren’t silly enough to touch any seafoods?!

Oh holy mother of all crap! Suddenly I had to make an extra effort to breathe. Before I could even think, Gerald carried me out of the restaurant’s back door and we seemed to have flown to the nearest hospital in less than five minutes. I have to admire his quick thinking and amazing speed. This guy can definitely give superman a run for his money!

Can I just say that I loathe hospitals with every fibre of my being? They take great pleasure in inflicting pain on poor defenseless souls and those darn doctors proudly display their needles as a sign of authority.

Although Ge looked pissed and did not say a word to me throughout the whole ordeal, I am still so thankful that he was there to hold my hand and rub my back for comfort when I was screaming like an awful toddler as sharp objects containing epinephrine invaded my veins. He never left my side and had been extremely caring, requesting the nurses to be extra gentle.

“I know you’re mad at me and we’re probably not supposed to be talking right now but I just want you to know that I really appreciate you being here Ge. Having your hand to hold had actually made this whole traumatic process more bearable. Thank you.”

Man, he must be really mad. He pulled his hand away the second my hand landed on his!

Gerald: You could have died Kimberly!

Uh-oh! Full name. He’s pissed. This calls for extra re-enforcements…a.k.a…next level of up!

“I know. I owe you my life. You are the bestest friend anyone can ever have. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful friend! Did I mention how gorgeous you are looking lately?”

Gerald: How could you forget you are allergic to seafoods?! Kim, when are you going to get it though that head of yours that these men are bad news! And by these men, I mean Josh! I can’t watch you 24/7 Kim!

“I don’t recall ever asking you to babysit me nor have I ever made it known that I want you to stick your nose to my own private business at all times! Look, I know I gave you quite a scare…I’m sorry…I had a minor lapse of judgment. Josh was snapping the poor aquatic creature’s limbs off and I got distracted.”

Gerald: What’s new? You see that damn guy’s face and you lose all your senses! Please spare me the details of how dreamy you think your perfect Josh is!

“I wasn’t distracted by his face, I was concerned about his crabs! Nevermind. What do you want me to do? You want me to kiss your feet and be your slave for all eternity for your heroic deed?”

Gerald: Frankly Kim, I don’t think I can stand anymore of this. I thought you weren’t going to make it! I had a nervous breakdown! I can't keep doing this...