I took one last look in the mirror, happy with what I see. I let my hair down in loose waves this time…a little make up to give me that ‘glam’ look …a simple black and silver dress above the knee that shows a little cleavage but covers enough to still exude class.

When I got to the restaurant, Simon was already there. I noticed Vince and Gerald sitting just two tables away. I glared at Gerald who was staring at me with an open mouth, as if shocked to see me there. Maybe he’s just not used to seeing me looking halfway decent since my usual wardrobe are my trusted shirts and jeans.

Simon is actually pretty normal looking. I mean he’s not a stunner, not exactly someone who could turn heads but he’s not bad-looking either. He seems soft spoken and not intimidating at all. Our dinner started fine with all the necessary introductions keeping us from the awkward silence strangers normally get on the first date. However, at some point on our date, we came across an awkward topic.

Simon: I’m so glad to meet someone decent. It’s so hard to meet a nice, kind young lady like yourself nowadays.

“Happy to meet you too. You seem quite decent.”

Simon: So Kim, are you in touch with your spirituality?

“Excuse me?”

Simon: Are you religious?

“I believe in God and I do go to church but I wouldn’t say I’m deeply religious.”

Normally most people don’t tend to start a religious discussion on the first date. Maybe he’s one of those people that don’t date people of a different religion. I guess he’s just trying to determine if there will be another date. Nothing wrong with that, right?

Simon: You won’t really know true happiness until you can make that connection between your soul and God. I can show you some spiritual exercises that will enable your soul to leave your body and visit any place you desire. Even meet other travelling souls.

Oh God! I am in the presence of one of those fanatics, possibly even a nutcase. I do try to keep an open mind. I don’t want to be snob or as mom would say, ‘too picky’, but this one is a definite no no!

“So, you’re saying that you can go to other places without your body? I mean I can see how ghosts can do that. Do I have to be dead to do that exercise?”

Scrap that thought about this date appearing normal. This guy is starting to scare me.

I could see my two spies all hysterical, attracting attention with their uncontrolled outbursts of laughter and I so wanted to throw the wineglass at Gerald’s laughing face! This is another tragic date that he will never make me forget. I’m sure I won’t hear the end of this.

Simon: Your body is merely a vessel, you can leave your body anytime. There are a few exercises that can help you. I really want to take you to my church. I think you can benefit from the spiritual guidance that you so clearly need.

“Thanks for the kind gesture but I’m quite happy with my own church really. I think I’m good. Besides I don’t really want to memorize a whole new set of prayers.”

Simon: You are one lost soul. I think God had a reason for me to meet you…so I can help you find your way and guide you to the right path to your true happiness. I am very thrilled to be the one to take you to our initiation rites.

! Note to self: mom is going to pay big time for putting me through this scary ordeal! I have been scratching my head for a good 5 minutes now…a desperate display of our ‘help me’ signal. It seems though that the two idiots are enjoying this whole freak show way too much to come to my rescue.

“I’m sorry but I think it’s against my bible to engage in exercises that involve leaving my body.”

I only have a very basic knowledge of my religion so I don’t know if there are any rules against this but there should be! I mean, it’s kind of unfair to those not aware of such exercises and erted isn’t it? I mean, you could watch someone in the shower without them knowing? Oh, on second thoughts, maybe I should join his church so I can penetrate Josh’s bathroom walls! Oh God! I have to find a way out of this date before he converts me!

“Excuse me Simon. I just need to go to the bathroom.”

My plan was to stay in the women’s toilet for quite a while until he gets sick of waiting for me to come back and just give up. He seems so determined to make me his new recruit so I’m probably in danger of staying in the toilet all night.

Gerald: You okay there hun?

Gerald’s head popped through the women’s bathroom door, mirth was written all over his face.

“No thanks to you jerks! Glad to provide your entertainment to go with your free expensive meal.”

Gerald: Beats going to the movies. You look so cute trying to scratch your head as if you’re infested with lice.

I slapped his hand that was patting my head as if I’m some poor kid that needed to get comforted.

“I hate you! I am so telling mom! You enjoyed all that expensive dinner and didn’t do squat in my time of need. Maybe this time my parents will finally see your true evil colours and stop preaching about how good you are!”

Gerald: Hey! I wasn’t going let you deal with the guy by yourself. Why do you think I’m here in the women’s toilet, risking the chance to get bashed or scratched or whatever it is you women do to a guy entering a forbidden territory?

“Sure but you felt that it was absolutely necessary to give me enough dose of discomfort and let the guy probe a little bit longer before you come to my rescue?”

Gerald: You were too cute honey! I didn’t want to end the fun too soon. The night is still young.

“Get your hands off my cheeks! I’m still mad at you.”

Gerald: You are adorable when you’re mad.

“Shut up!”

Gerald: Come on, let’s go fix this. You can’t stay here all night. I can’t keep you company here for too long you know. Another woman is going to have a need to get here in the bathroom at some point soon.

“Fine. Are we doing the usual? Another family medical emergency?”

Gerald: What about a new angle this time? I’m an ex-boyfriend that wants you back and you realize that you still love me and not ready to start dating again?

“I suppose I’m going to leave current date and exit the restaurant with this ex-boyfriend?”

Gerald: And you can come home with ex-boyfriend…kiss and make sweet love on the couch…that’s optional of course…but it would make our case more convincing if you really want to get rid of this date.

“It’s a more creative excuse but that show is too hard for me to put on. I am actually going to pretend that I like you! I’m going to have to fake an and pretend that you’re the best shag ever. I don’t think I’m that good of an actress.”

Gerald: Fine, fine. Good old worn out family emergency excuse it is!

It turned out that we didn’t even need to come up with an excuse. Simon came up with one himself. I was gone for a little while so Simon waited outside the women’s bathroom to check that I was okay.

Of course it didn’t escape him that Gerald and I exited the women’s bathroom together. Since Ge’s hand was on it’s usual spot on my shoulder, Simon automatically came up with a logical assumption of what a man and a woman could have been up to in a bathroom together.

Simon: Okay, I see what’s going on here. It’s good to have met you Kim but I think we have very different principles in life. I’m not so comfortable with yours and I really believe you need serious spiritual enlightening.

He came up with his own assumptions. Who am I to tell him he’s wrong?

“Sorry Simon but I think I’ll stick with my principles for now.”

He gave Gerald a stern look before walking out.

Gerald, Vince and I were in hysterics as we enjoyed a well-deserved banana split for dessert, re-living the quotable spiritual quotes of tonight’s adventure.

“This is the reason why I have lost interest in the whole dating scene. I’m a magnet for strange men and disastrous dates.”

Vince: You can’t give up now sweetie. If you date enough number of men, the theory of probability will eventually come through and grant you with at least one do-able guy.

Gerald: Vince that’s the worst advice you could ever give her! Knowing her luck with men, think of how many headaches we will have to endure before she could actually land a possible guy to consider for a second date!

“Gerald! Would it kill you to be a little optimistic for me? My love life had not always been this tragic you know. I’ve had relationships that worked even if they didn’t last as long as I hoped. It’s our town that’s the problem. All the eligible and doable guys have all been spoken for and the rest are just not worth wasting my time with. If I was in the city, I’m sure I’d get a decent enough date to end this whole unplanned act of celibacy!”

Gerald: Sweetheart I don’t doubt for a second that there are a lot of men in our town that would jump to the opportunity to score with you. If you weren’t so snobby to those men who flirt with you all the time especially at the bar, you could get laid every night if you wanted to.

“Gross, those men are married Ge! They don’t flirt with me. I’m like their little sister!”

Vincent: Actually Kimmy, I agree with Gerald on that one. They do flirt with you but you’re usually too clueless to notice.

Gerald: Yeah, you wouldn’t recognize true love if it hits you in the face.

“I think there are perception-altering preservatives in this ice cream. When men have enough booze they get extra friendly. Duh! It doesn’t mean they’re flirting! No more ice cream for you two! God knows what other paranoid theories you’ll infiltrate my mind with next!”

Gerald: Why can’t you just tell mom that your mind is set on Josh so she won’t keep bugging you about dating all these weirdos?

“Well I figured, it’s not such a bad idea to meet new people in between my conquests with Josh…just in case things don’t work out as planned with him. I gotta have a back-up plan, right?

***********************************************************

Gerald: We can’t go home this early sweety, not when you’ve made an effort to look absolutely breathtaking. We’re already out anyway, let’s go dancing!

“Well, I don’t feel like going home just yet. I’m cool with that.”

Vince: Sorry guys. I have to go back to the bar. Mel sent me a message that Steve’s in the bar looking all delicious! Uunahan pa yata ako sa malanding yon!

Gerald: He’s ditching us Kimmy for some guy with a hot .

“You gotta respect that. It’s a basic human right!”

Vince: That’s why I love ya sweety. You speak my language!

Gerald: She’s gotta love me since she’s stuck with me tonight. Come on sweetheart, let’s go paint the town red.

“Should I be scared? Call me crazy but am I actually trusting this guy not to dump me in some scary dark alley when I get drunk?!”

Gerald: Don’t worry hun, promise I’ll be nice tonight since you treated me to a night of genuine laughter so far. It’s the least I can do.