ignore typos and grammar fails!!! ;D

()()()()

He becomes aware of Jongin’s absence when the waiter comes over to whisk their plates away and offers Kyungsoo– who is sitting across from him after Chanyeol eagerly insisted he stay for a while– a menu. Kyungsoo waves off the waiter dismissively, saying he won’t be long and he’s only here for his usual coffee.

“That was inappropriate,” Kyungsoo finally drawls out. He doesn’t elaborate but Chanyeol knows exactly what he’s talking about.

There’s an uneasy feeling inside his chest when he thinks of how stupid it was to hug Kyungsoo like that. It’s obvious what kind of awkward position he put them all in and he hates himself for how careless he sometimes acts and just how his words– fully aware but always such an to stop himself– can hurt someone.

He hardly remembers if Jongin had said anything else to him before he left. One moment he’s got his arms around Kyungsoo and his nose buried into his hair and the next Jongin is no longer there, left wordlessly.

“How have you been?” Chanyeol asks, completely ignoring Kyungsoo’s words. He doesn’t want to think about Jongin because there’s always the feeling of confusion inside him when he does. And Kyungsoo is right in front of him so Jongin fades into the background, stuffed and locked away somewhere in the back of his mind.

Kyungsoo looks at him intently, like he’s trying to see through him and that’s something about him Chanyeol has always hated. The stare he failed to read then and has no chance of understanding now. “I’ve been better.” His answer is flat and Chanyeol notes how guarded his tone sounds.

“That’s good,” In all his years and months of thinking– obsessing– over meeting him again– this is not how it has played in his head and this is definitely not how awkward he pictured it to be. “That’s good,” He repeats slowly.

But Chanyeol wants answers. Because maybe the answer he’ll get will erase or at least damped how terrible he feels about himself and their failed marriage. He has always wanted answers from Kyungsoo and now that the opportunity is right here before him– something he has yearned for– the questions refuse to roll off his tongue and Chanyeol finds himself staring tight-lipped at Kyungsoo.

But Kyungsoo jumps right into it, like he knows this is exactly the topic Chanyeol is expecting. He’s not wrong. He raises his gaze to stare at him, his face impassive. “I’m supposed to be meeting someone here soon. I won’t be long,” He says gesturing to the table around them and there’s an ache in Chanyeol’s heart that’s hard to brush off. “I was going to turn around, to leave, but then you saw me,” He says, he laughs and it’s dry and abrupt. He pauses for a second, “It was immature and cowardly of me to run away that day,” He means Yura’s wedding. “So I decided to come over now,”

“Did you enjoy my desperation?” Chanyeol demands, minding the volume of his voice.

“Of course not,” He frowns, looking genuinely bewildered. “Why would I?”

Chanyeol stays quiet.

“Our divorce was mutual. We agreed.” Kyungsoo says like Chanyeol’s supposed to nod his head and accept it as an answer. “Nothing about it was shocking to either of our parents and we both saw it coming,” He murmurs.

“You could’ve picked up one of my calls or replied to my texts, Kyungsoo,” He finds himself saying and the pause that follows is an awkward and painful blanket.

“I didn’t want to lead you on,” Kyungsoo answers, precise, “If I answered each time you called or replied to your messages– you would be hoping for something that isn’t there anymore,” He blinks slowly, like this whole conversation is exhausting him already. But it’s clear from how guarded and controlled his words sound and it’s perfectly obvious  that he has already put a lot of thought about what to say to Chanyeol and how to say it. He’s always been the one to think before acting.

But Chanyeol doesn’t want Kyungsoo’s logic, loathes his well thought out answers. He wants to know if, even at some point– Were you as empty as I was? He wants to know if Kyungsoo also felt as ty as he did. He doesn’t want to be the only one. Never wants to be the only one suffering and that’s part of the reason he hates himself. “You gave up on us,” It’s an accusation and he doesn’t control the harshness it comes out with.

“I tried for you and…” He trails off and the pain on his face is pretty easy to read, “And what we lost, but Chanyeol, I couldn’t take it anymore.” He’s quick to school his features into being neutral, eyes darting everywhere else for a while before coming back to him. He shifts in his seat.

“I–” Chanyeol cuts in, scowling.

“You could’ve told me. Why didn’t you tell me?” He presses on because Kyungsoo, the way he remembers him from before, barely bared what he felt, and verbally announcing his insecurities was something that almost never happened. "I was your husband."

"I needed my best friend more than I needed my husband." Kyungsoo points out evenly. "You were neither."

Kyungsoo’s words of his vulnerability never came easily– even when he was cornered with his deteriorating health during the pregnancies before the continuous miscarriages.

“We had our differences,” Kyungsoo remarks.

The thought of pregnancy has his mind wandering over to Jongin. And it’s so easy for him to forget about Jongin, the pregnancy (the upcoming appointment– and the number of days he has to wait while obsessing over is it or is it not.) when Kyungsoo is sitting right in front of him.

“Because you have this idea of what and how you want things to be. You never spare a moment, never stop to see what’s going on around you,” He eyes him, his expression grows more thoughtful, “You never want to listen to what you feel you won’t like. I loved you once, Chanyeol,” He breathes out, “But not enough to live like that.” Kyungsoo has always been brutally honest when he wants to be, doesn’t filter much of his words at all.

It’s like a raw punch to the gut and Chanyeol doesn’t know what to do. Something in his twists and he’s unsettled. So he sits there, utterly confused, with the feeling of the world crumbling onto his shoulders and his vision is almost tunnel when he looks at Kyungsoo.

“Not everyone bounces back as quickly as you do,” Kyungsoo says and it’s plain and simple that he isn’t the only one bottling things up until they explode, “We can’t all pretend to be fine.” But this is all wrong. This isn’t the kind of conversation he has pictured.

“I’ve always hated that about you,” He whispers, but the sharp intake of breath tells him Kyungsoo has caught on. “Your honestly always comes on days it’s not wanted– I wish you talked to me about everything before,” He feels powerless as he glares at the cold coffee the waiter didn’t whisk away from their table.

Kyungsoo stays silent for a moment. “I made the mistake of thinking you understood my silence, Chanyeol.” He moves to stand up, “That one’s on me,” He mutters, when the chime is heard he slides off his seat and gets to his feet. He looks down at Chanyeol, frown firmly sitting on his face.

Chanyeol does the same, blinking, “We aren’t done.” He says, he hates how quiet and sad he sounds. How desperate he always seems to be these days. They are getting a few looks from probing onlookers around the café. He frowns at nothing, he waits for Kyungsoo to say something. Chanyeol doesn’t want him to leave– not now. None of what they have talked about so far has satisfied him enough. None of it is enough to fill the hole he so obviously wishes didn’t exist to start with.

Kyungsoo hesitates– the confusion flickers in his eyes, “Of course not.” He replies and it’s like they’re strangers once again. It reminds Chanyeol of how hard wooing Kyungsoo the first time had been, getting Kyungsoo to crack up for him was difficult and he can’t even imagine if it’ll be possible the second time around.

“Kyungsoo, please,” Chanyeol begs. Begs because the words that wish to roll off his tongue are ones that'll embarrass him and put Kyungsoo in an uncomfortable position. He wants to tell Kyungsoo do you know just how much you mean to me? or Please, please give me another chance or I wore the ring for about two years because I didn’t want to let you go  and the one that’s constantly bothering, making him itch to say is I’m sorry. And sorry for what? Everything, probably. Sorry for how he acted that everything was fine and sorry for expecting Kyungsoo to take things in a stride as he did and try again. Something keeps him from saying any of this.

“I can’t keep him waiting,” His gaze is too unreadable and Chanyeol looks away from it because he knows– he has known, but has always tried to ignore that Kyungsoo might be seeing other people. They aren’t together, haven’t been for a long time– why does it still hurt so much? Is it because this is the confirmation of what he has been trying to deny all this time? That Kyungsoo really does not love him anymore?

“At least,” He swallows and everything hurts because he knows whatever he wanted to fix between then isn’t within reach anymore. “Give me something– anything,” He hasn’t got a clue what he means or what he wants from Kyungsoo now. He wants him to stay, sure, but Kyungsoo looks as though he wants to be anyway else but here.

It’s like the world is holding its breath and the silence around them is almost confining. “I’m sorry.” He gazes up at him, gives him a half-smile and turns to leave.

()()()()

Because meeting Kyungsoo again, having a conversation with him (regardless of the unsatisfying outcome), it almost feels like a dream (a bad joke) because he knows, deep down, that his life will go back to being the same as it always is.

Life after Kyungsoo is quiet and he never wants to admit that the quietness brings loneliness. Life after Kyungsoo is filled with regret and him wrapped up in strangers arms for some relief– of some sort– and life without Kyungsoo is more complicated than with.

Three days after Kyungsoo, he spends his time working religiously and hanging out– the term is used loosely– with Minseok and the rest. He tolerates them more because he now understands that they are barely tolerating him after his outburst now– the time he found out about Jongin; he was a nightmare to work with and still is to some degree.

“What is it?” He blinks and tilts his head to look at Baekhyun. He hasn’t seen his best friend in weeks and seeing him now doesn’t bring the calmness that usually comes with him.

Baekhyun doesn’t know yet (neither does his mother or sister) about Jongin, the pregnancy or his recent conversation with Kyungsoo. He doesn’t know where to start and he won’t say anything about Jongin until the results are out and he’s absolutely sure it’s his.

There’s no need to start confusing them or give them false hope– it’s obvious his mother wants him to move on from Kyungsoo– just not like this. The tradition way is mostly what she wants from him. But he knows she won’t blow this out of proportion.

“I did something stupid,” He says silently, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his thighs– his head in his hands and sighs heavily. He feels like he’s aged ten plus years in the last few months and an extra twenty these last few weeks.

“What else is new?” Baekhyun grumbles and despite himself– Chanyeol smiles.

He talks about Kyungsoo and doesn’t mention Jongin and Baekhyun listens.

()()()()

Jongin is rubbing his arm as they walk stand by stand though the clinic’s hallway. He says nothing and hasn’t really looked at Chanyeol or talked directly to him since they met outside the clinic.

The sound of the clock and rustling papers from the receptionist is all he can hear and Jongin’s constant shifting on the hard plastic chairs.  He thinks of picking up one of the magazines to keep himself occupied but knows it'll only make him bored and more restless than ever.

“Have you been waiting long?” He finds himself asking because the silence is killing him softly and they have to wait a while in the waiting room. They are the only ones around because it’s still early.

Jongin doesn’t look at him when he answers, “Not long,” He moves in his seat again before starting to fiddle with one of the boring Golf magazines he picked up. He doesn’t look like he’s reading it at all, but he’s flipping through the pages and it’s it obvious he’d rather look down then at Chanyeol.

“Okay,” Chanyeol says roughly and the sound he tries focus in is the clock ticking because the silence is overwhelming. Jongin always tries to interact with him, always tries to engage him into some sort of conversation. Chanyeol has never enjoyed them, but the lack of them has him missing them more than he'd like. “Jongin,” He starts and he doesn’t know how to continue so he stops.

He’s not sure if he wants to apologise about the last time they were in each other’s presence or if he wishes to explain himself or if he just wants to talk about something else– just to break this unusual silence.

And he wants to hear Jongin talk because it’s a way to get rid of his thoughts about the results coming in a few days and thoughts about Kyungsoo.

He doesn’t think he’ll have it in him to see Kyungsoo– or face anyone else– if the baby turns out to be his.

How will he even get around explaining that? He has a feeling his mother and Yura know he has already been invited into other people’s beds and had willingly gone right ahead because it made him feel wanted. His mother will completely deny it to her death though because no parent wants to think of their children as promiscuous.

“We don’t have to talk now,” Jongin says, sudden as though the words had been itching on his tongue, “You never seem to want to talk to me,” He looks more irritated than flustered, it’s obvious he has been waiting for say this for a while. “When you do talk to me– it’s all disrespect. I don't need that right now.”

And Chanyeol stays silent because he has got nothing to add to that. If he does add something– it probably won’t be something nice at all. “Okay.” He says anyway and Jongin nods to himself.

It’s almost like an eternity before Jongin’s appointment starts. A young nurse comes to take him, introduces herself and allows Jongin to introduce himself properly and address Chanyeol before she leads them to the doctor’s office.

The doctor’s explanation about the tests is brief and to the point before he calls in for the same nurse to enter. She steps in minutes later to draw blood from Jongin, who pales at the sight of the needle and has the nurse coaxing him gently before she gets down to drawing his blood.

She swabs around in Chanyeol’s mouth for his spit before leaving them with the doctor again. And Chanyeol spends most of the remaining time with the doctor staring at Jongin to avoid looking at the obvious textbooks and educational posters on the walls–most of them are about pregnancy and safe and the list goes on.

It’s an in and out process and the information given to them hasn’t really sunk into his brain. And Chanyeol doesn’t ask about what he doesn’t understand because he wants to leave this clinic.

It’s obvious Jongin has talked about everything with the doctor before Chanyeol, the doctor doesn’t at all ask for Chanyeol’s opinion on anything and Chanyeol doesn’t offer much himself.

They leave the hospital and Jongin declines Chanyeol’s offer to pay for the appointment with the shake of his head. Chanyeol doesn’t fight it because he won’t pay for anything baby related until he's certain.

He watches Jongin go over to the receptionist– he doesn’t even know why he waits for him. Maybe he does know because Jongin always proves to be a great distraction, but not so much anymore because Jongin is why he’s a little out of it.

Jongin and Kyungsoo and the baby– Chanyeol really doesn’t know who he should put his focus on.

“You didn’t have to wait,” Jongin mumbles when he comes from the receptionist and stops in front of him. His shoulders are tense and he’s staring at the ground, seemingly finding it more interesting than Chanyeol’s face.

“We have to talk about this,” Chanyeol states, softer and more wary for some reason. “About what to do if the baby’s–“ He chokes on the word, “Mine,” He rubs a hand over his face and sighs, “Sorry,” He doesn’t know why he’s sorry. “If it’s not mine then there’s no reason for us to keep contacting each other.”

Jongin nods, still not looking up at him.

“Jongin,” Chanyeol calls, a little annoyed, but he controls how much of it that sips into his tone. Jongin looks skittish and lost and as though one mistake– or sharp tone or move– and he’ll flee.

“Huh?”

“Look at me,” Chanyeol stresses. When Jongin looks at him– it’s all hurt he sees and Chanyeol knows it’s his fault. He doesn’t know how to fix it– doesn’t know if he even wants to fix it because what right does he have? Their relationship cannot really be called a relationship– can it?

So he’s at a loss when Jongin looks at him with such hurt filled eyes and slumped shoulders, trying to look small and Chanyeol feels out of place. Because it’s obvious how it looks to onlookers– he really doesn’t wish to stand here, in the hospital hallway, looking like an .

He gently places his hand under Jongin’s chin, raising his head and running his thumb over his bottom lip. Jongin allows it. And Chanyeol knows he hasn’t really lost him. It’s Jongin’s vulnerability– his gullibility or wish for something more that Chanyeol can’t for the life of him picture giving to anyone else– that’s allowing him this close– anyone else, after the Chanyeol has done and said– they wouldn’t want him close at all.

“I can’t give you what you want.” He whispers and watches Jongin’s eyes flutter shut. Jongin nods and Chanyeol’s not sure he understands. 

()()()()

sorry for the delay lmao i was ing around ⊂((・▽・))⊃ i hope this was ok!! ;D