So first of all, hi! I've been away for a week (which is not that long now that I think about it), anyways, I've been feeling quite bad because...hmm, yeah I don't really have a reason. What I can say is that I take medication so I'm not really feeling top notch (mentally) right now but I wrote this chapter for you, which is quite sad, which I think that you'll notice. It talks a bit about feeling like you're not good enough and a little mention of self-harm, not explicitly in any way. But remember that pressing on your bruises on purpose because you think that you deserve it is just as bad as burning yourself and scarring your skin so don't think of the subject lightly. It's not anything explicit, and unfortunately, there's barely any Junchan interaction, although Chanbin is working things out (platonically) but hmm...yeah I think I've said enough.

Thank you for subscribing and commenting people! It means so much to me and the smile that I wear every time I read through he comments feels like it's splitting my face hahaha, you make my day and I'm so happy to see that you enjoy my writing! And to be honest, I don't know where I'm going with this, I'm just writing everything that comes to mind so, if there's anything that I'm repeating or contradicting what I've written in previous chapters, please let me know!

Anyways, thank you all for reading. Enjoy! <3 <3

The kid’s not even ing legal, how the hell are they supposed to solve this? Hanbin doesn’t know the first thing about, well, whatever their situation is. Chanwoo is technically still under his father’s rule but even Hanbin knows that anything connected to that man is out of question. Can he, like, legally adopt him or something? Or at least act as a guardian until he’s of age.

If someone would have told Hanbin two weeks ago that he’d be living with a minor under his roof with daddy issues he’d probably have shot the person for even talking to him, but now that Chanwoo shares the same space, same plates and glasses as him, now that he’s a part of iKon, everything’s different.

Chanwoo’s different from all of them, not as ruined, as Yunhyeong so beautifully put it a few nights ago when they were up discussing serious gang business while their teenager slept soundly in Junhwe’s, and now also his, room. He’s not so innocent that he doesn’t understand what it is they do, or what they’re capable of, but after years of living with an abusive man he’s gotten used to the violence. Of course it frightens him when he accidentally over hears a conversation between Hanbin and Jiwon about some new gang that they need to get rid of, but they aren’t hurting him in any way. So as long as it stays that way, he believes he doesn’t really have any right to get involved in what they do.

Two weeks ago he was afraid to come home three minutes later than what he said he would because he was afraid he’d get hit, now he’s reminded every day that he doesn’t have to be afraid of that. That it’s okay to be three minutes late because he had to go to the bathroom or that he dropped something and had to go back to get it. But just because they tell him that doesn’t mean that he believes it.

They’ve all adjusted fairly well if Hanbin has a say in it, but Chanwoo is extremely cautious of them, to such an extent that Hanbin sometimes just wants to punch some sense into the boy. But punching his way might not be the best solution.

Chanwoo still waits for them to ask if he wants some more food while they’re eating dinner, and every time they ask he says yes. Hanbin sometimes feels the ice around his heart thaw even just a little bit whenever Chanwoo hesitates, because a person should not be so ing afraid, when there’s food on the table it’s obviously cooked for them to eat up but Chanwoo still thinks that he’s not allowed to eat more than what he’s served, and Hanbin hates it, he wants it to ing stop. But it’s only been two weeks and he knows that things can’t always happen over night, even though he wishes it could.

They’re making progress though, Hanbin likes to think. Because even though he’s still afraid to eat more in fear that they’ll feel like he’s stealing from them, he’s asked Yunhyeong a total of two times to help him apply cream on his bruises that are now fading into an ugly green-yellow-ish color. He’s reached out for help a total of two times and Hanbin says that that’s a god damn progress if he’s ever seen one. He’s just hoping that he’ll start asking someone else to help him, perhaps with his math homework that Hanbin has caught him struggling with a few nights now. Hanbin hopes that he’ll open up a bit more, and that’s very thoughtful for someone who never opens up to anyone unless it’s right before he kills them.

Chanwoo though, is counting down the days until they decide to kick him out. He can tell that Hanbin’s frustrated with him and he assumes it’s because he’s too needy, he needs help with his bruises and he needs help with his homework (although he hasn’t asked anyone he knows that Hanbin knows), and perhaps he’s taking too much room. Junhwe never misses a minute to complain about sleeping in the same room as him even though he’s barely noticed in there. He still sleeps on the floor but after three days Junhwe took pity on him and threw down a pillow at him, at him being the correct use of words, yes.

He dreads the day they tell him he needs to leave, dreads the day they realize he’s not worth it, they’re so kind to him, all things considered, and he doesn’t want to leave, he really doesn’t. But he’s not one of them, he’s far too small, weak and broken; and most of all, he’s just not worth saving. He’s heard it every single day for the past seven years or so, that he’s not good enough. And of course he tried to shut out the comments, but after hearing it every day, he slowly started to believe it.

Sometimes he likes to be alive though, likes to change classroom so that he knows the time’s moving, likes to hear people walking past him talk about their wedding or upcoming baby shower, he’s not involved in any of it but hearing other people doing something with their lives gives him hope.

But sometimes it doesn’t and those are the worst days, those are the days when he just looks but doesn’t see, when he listens but doesn’t hear, when he touches but doesn’t feel. The days when he kind of feels like he isn’t there, like his body has finally sucumbed to the onslaughter of daily pain, when he’s under water and buried in dirt but also flying above the clouds. Everything piles up and he just sits there, he looks like he does any other day but inside there’s a storm brewing.

It’s a bland Thursday, two weeks after he was given permission to stay with them (temporarily) and it’s a bad day, he knows it is because his fingertips feel a bit numb when he wakes and his ears pick up sound that he can’t decipher. His eyes feel cloudy and no matter how much he rubs at them it just won’t go away.

When they eat breakfast together no one else is acting different, Jiwon’s still eating like he hasn’t seen food for weeks and Donghyuk and Yunhyeong are being just as cute as they always are, Junhwe’s not eye rolling more than usual and Hanbin actually seems to be in quite a good mood. He’s angry at himself for not being able to act like them, why is this day different? He asks himself but of course he gets no answer because not even the most deepest part of his brain knows, it’s weird like that.

The others know something’s wrong when Jinhwan asks if he wants more food, like he does every morning, and Chanwoo says no. He always says yes, even though he’s not very hungry, but now he’s just not capable of eating at the moment and he feels like anything that he tries to swallow will just end up going back up again.

Jinhwan seems affronted at first with his brows furrowed in confusion, he’s not offended, never offended because it’s the same dish that he cooked the first morning and Chanwoo loved it, but he’s worried. “Something wrong?” It’s a useless question because the answer is so obvious but Jiwon likes to clear things up, unless he’s the one being confusing, sometimes he says things that no one understands and he gives no explanation for them either, but that’s just how he is.

“I don’t know” he settles for after a few seconds of silence and it does nothing to soothe anyone’s nerves because it’s obvious that something’s wrong, and they feel that it would be easier to deal with the situation if Chanwoo just said ‘I want to die’ rather than not even knowing himself why he’s feeling like crap. It makes situations scarier when you don’t even know the cause of them.

“Okay,” Yunhyeong’s cautious, he doesn’t want to scare Chanwoo or make him do something stupid, but he can’t let the boy just keep everything inside and suffocate himself in self-hate or whatever it is he’s doing, “something you wanna talk about?” he asks carefully as he stares at the younger boy sitting across from him at the table. He looks worn, far too worn for someone who’s not even legal yet, his eyes are cloudy and he doesn’t really look like he’s aware of himself.

“No, I don’t think so,” Chanwoo says with a frown, “I need to get to school” he says suddenly and then he’s standing and grabbing his empty plate, they’re all watching him as he washes his plate before putting it in the dishwasher, Jiwon’s the closest to him and he reaches out to grab at his wrist, and the reaction’s the most violent they’ve ever seen him. He looks like he’s ready to run any second and his body’s trembling slightly, his eyes are closed and his fists are tightened at his side. But he doesn’t look like he’s ready to punch anyone, he looks rather like he’s ready to receive one. It shocks them all, including Jiwon, and he lets the boy’s wrist go.

Chanwoo looks even more afraid of them now than what he did when Hanbin literally had a gun pointed at him that night he first showed up all bruised and bloody, the tremors won’t stop and the hair on his neck is raised. He’s so afraid at the moment and they don’t even know why.

He opens his eyes a bit to try and see the others’ reaction, and he relaxes slightly, only slightly, when he sees that none of them look ready to hit him. They don’t look angry either, they almost look...worried? Chanwoo knows that they in some way care at least a little about him, since they even bother feeding him, but how much can he screw up until they throw him out?

“I’m okay,” he mumbles quietly when he’s capable of moving again, when his heart isn’t beating out of his chest anymore, “uh-huh” Jiwon says sarcastically as he stares at the younger boy, he looks like he’s about to pass out and he’s trying to reassure them? Jiwon doesn’t know if he should laugh or cry. Chanwoo looks at him quickly and when their eyes meet he instantly looks down again, he’s not so much scared of him as he is worried that he’ll say something that’ll offend the others and end up on the streets.

“I have to go, can I come back?” he tries to sound sure of himself but his voice cracks pathetically when he asks if he can come back, and he scolds himself internally because he can’t do anything right. But also because he’s afraid that they’ll say no, he shouldn’t be because they’ve told him that he can come back every time he leaves but this day is not working out for him, in any way, and every common sense and every sense has flown out of him at the moment as he stands in the quiet kitchen.

“Yes” it’s Hanbin that voices the answer from where he’s still seated in his chair, food growing colder with every second he’s not eating it. He doesn’t try to coddle the boy, or answer him in the way you would while speaking to a child, he tells the truth, and what Hanbin says is law. It’s all that Chanwoo needs (for now) and he nods in Hanbin’s direction before he runs to grab his backpack from Junhwe’s room, he hasn’t started calling it his yet because he doesn’t know if it is.

When he gets back Hanbin’s already standing at the door, ready to scan his finger and open it for him, and when Chanwoo stands in front of him ready to leave he hands him a paper bag filled with something, he doesn’t say anything as he does, but he looks at Chanwoo with a look that says ‘you better come back’ and Chanwoo’s out the door right after. The door closes behind him with a bang and he heads out of the building toward a street a little way down the one the house is on.

They can’t drive him to school because people will start asking questions, so he takes the bus that no one else takes, ever, or at least Chanwoo thinks so because it’s always empty, both on the way to school and on the way home. Donghyuk fixed him a bus card after he found out that Chanwoo had been walking all the way to school. He knew no one was driving him and that he didn’t have a bike but he hadn’t really though of how far away his school really was, it was a quite a bit to his house and the school was beyond that.

He was thankful, of course, but even bus cards run out of money, and to Chanwoo it’s just another reminder of the clock slowly counting down, counting the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until he has to leave; until they grow tired of him.

Whilst seated on the bus he checks the paper bag that Hanbin gave him quickly and he wants to cry when he sees its contents, it’s lunch. A sandwich and some vegetables on the side. It’s not much but it’s the most he’s ever gotten, no one has ever packed lunch for him before and the tears in his eyes can’t be ignored.

_

School’s over and he’s standing outside the gates, it’s raining and he doesn’t have an umbrella, and the bus he takes to work is late so he’s standing under the small roof the school provides at the gates waiting for it. He’s feeling better from what he did this morning, he still doesn’t understand why he felt like he did, but he has an idea that actually isn’t so weird when you thnink about it.

When he’s seated on the bus and staring out the window he starts to think again. What if he wanted to get hit? He remembers that he was afraid when Jiwon grabbed his wrist but he also remembers how he stood there and waited for the punch, or the kick, he was afraid but he felt some sort of thrill too. He thinks back to the psychology class he once attended a few years ago, they had said that habits are hard to break. It’s hard to stop smoking just like that, it’s easier to take the stairs down rather than bungee jumping directly from the top. Going from perhaps three cigarettes a day, to two a day, and then one, and then maybe one every once in a while, until you don’t really feel the need to do it any more, or just until it’s not so bad that you can’t go an hour without having to step out for a smoke. Maybe he should try it.

Taking the stairs down; not smoking.

He’s so used to not being able to go a day without getting hit, the hits varying in number and size though, but they were always there, even if wednesday was a slap and thursday a bottle smashing into his head. So is that what he’s doing now? Craving the pain? Craving the kicks and the punches? It’s sick, is the first thing he thinks, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t logical. It’s become such a usual thing, like smoking, that maybe he just can’t stop. Maybe he just needs something to dicipline him once in a while. He’s so caught up in his own thoughts that he doesn’t realize that his hand is putting pressure on a bruise on his leg, if he was a little more aware he would realize that it hurts, but maybe that’s just it, he needs a little pain to either feel, or feel nothing. It’s a scary thought, but it sticks and Chanwoo actually likes it.

_

He’s out of work in a few hours and he’s not as tired as he though he’d be, he was assigned to work at the front today, taking orders and greeting costumers and he actually enjoyed himself, he imagined that he’d be sour and bitter the entire time but after the first costumers he actually felt his mood lift a little.

The bus back to iKon’s house takes a while and he has nothing to do during the ride, he doesn’t have a phone and every book he owned is still in that house that he refuses to revisit, maybe he can ask Donghyuk. He noticed when he woke up in his room after Yunhyeong bandaged him up that he has a lot of books, he caught sight of the Lord of The Rings trilogy and a few other typical fantasy/adventure books on his shelves. He’s pretty sure that Donghyuk will let him borrow one if he just asks.

He just needs to summon the courage to do it.

And speaking of asking and having courage, he needs help with his math homework asap, and he just needs to ask, he needs to ask ask ask, ‘courage’ is what he says to himself like a mantra, over and over until he actually believes he’s brave enough to go through with it. When he steps off the bus he’s filled with the feeling of purpose, he has a goal for the evening, it gives him some sort of hope for the future, even though the future in this case only means a few hours ahead.

When he knocks on the door he feels a little anxious, like he has done every single time he’s knocked on it, in fear that they won’t open. But he’s lucky because only seconds later Jinhwan’s standing in the opening clad in a pink apron pushing him in, his eyes pop slightly because he looks highly amusing and Jinhwan seems to be aware becuase he rolls his eyes and says, “it was a gift from the guys on my birthday last year, I don’t want to hurt their feeling you know.”
 

He’s smiling at him and Chanwoo feels welcomed, he smiles back slightly and the smile on Jinhwan’s face grows The atmophere immediately feels warmer and Chanwoo feels comfortable.

When they enter the loft there’s music playing, some rap music that Chanwoo doesn’t recognize, (he’s heard music playing in the café and in school and on the radio but he doesn’t know the artists’ names or what the songs are called) he enjoys it though. The sight that greets them is quite funny actually, Jiwon and Hanbin seem to be engaged in an intense rap battle, while Yunhyeong and Donghyuk are cheering them on from the sidelines and Junhwe’s not to be seen anywhere but Chanwoo’s not so bothered by it though because Hanbin’s rapping while gesturing like crazy and Jiwon’s just laughing his off. They don’t really seem to notice him much but he’s content with just watching them from the kitchen as Jinhwan cooks. Chanwoo learned a few days ago that Yunhyeong’s the one who actually has any culinary experience but that he’s often too tired (lazy) to cook and so they just let Jinhwan do it and Chanwoo can’t even begin to guess what Yunhyeong’s cooking must taste like if Jinhwan’s mediocre.

“What are you making?” Junhwe’s bass voice reaches his ears and he turns as a reflex to look but as soon as his eyes see him his face immediately heats up and he has to turn around to not let Junhwe have the pleasure of seeing. Junhwe’s shirtless again, and his hair is messy and he looks so good and Chanwoo is unsure of what the feeling he’s feeling is. Thankfully, luck seems to be on his side that day and Junhwe doesn’t notice. But Chanwoo isn’t risking anything and so he’s running toward Donghyuk and Yunhyeong on the couch before he hears Jinhwan’s answer. He plops down beside Donghyuk and the elder smiles at him, “you came back” he says and he doesn’t sound shocked, but he sounds happy and Chanwoo gains some confidence from it.

“Can I borrow a book from you?” it’s out before he even knows it and he clamps a hand over his mouth before he says anything else, he looks away from Donghyuk in fear that the elder might say no and tell him to keep to his own stuff, but no such thing comes, instead, the elder smiles so brightly Chanwoo is sure it can win against the sun and grabs his hand.

“Which one?” he’s asking while dragging Chanwoo toward his and Yunhyeong’s room, leaving the others behind in the living room. Chanwoo’s not sure which book he wants to read, he doesn’t know what Donghyuk has except for the Lord of The Rings and some fantasy books that he’s never heard of.

“I don’t know,” he says when Donghyuk comes to a stop in front of his shelves packed with books, “how about I pick one for you then?” Chanwoo nods and then he’s smiling back at Donghyuk. This is nice, he thinks, to have someone who smiles at him because they’re genuinely happy that he’s there. He feels important for a while,  it’s kind of selfish.

“What kind of books do you like? Fantasy? Thriller?” he asks as he pulls out boxes from under his bed that seem to be containing books too and Chanwoo wonders how many he has, “I’ve read Harry Potter, so... fantasy. But I also like other things, I’ve read that one, eh, ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’” he mumbles and Donghyuk’s suddenly pulling out a book from the bottom of one of his boxes.

“Ever heard of The Great Gatsby?” Chanwoo shakes his head and suddenly his hands are carrying a book, “it’s really good, a little sad, and a little happy, it’s a good read. You can try it and if you don’t like it I’ll find something else for you, sound good?” with a nod and a wave goodbye he’s in his room on the second chapter refusing to put the book down, and outside in the living room Donghyuk’s smiling non stop.

Dinner’s not a quiet affair but it’s still comfortable and Chanwoo likes it, none of them have brought up the thing that transpired earlier that day over breakfast and he’s happy that they’re letting it go, for now. He’s feeling better now, and he isn’t thinking stupid thoughts anymore like on the bus.

After dinner every one seem to drift away into their own rooms with their own things to do and Chanwoo decides to leave the room and sit out in the living room, he’s come quite a long bit into the book, it’s a fairly easy read and he’s hooked on it. When he enters the living room he expects it to be empty but Hanbin’s sitting on the floor with a laptop in front of him and a pen and paper next to him, he looks up when Chanwoo enters and nods at him.

Chanwoo doesn’t know if it’s an ‘hi, I see you, now go away’ look or if it’s an ‘hi, come on in’ look, he stays rooted in the doorway waiting for Hanbin to say something, but Hanbin is good at being quiet, and so he stays standing for a few minutes until Hanbin sighs and looks up, “are you gonna sit down here or what?”

Chanwoo’s seated in a heartbeat so far away from Hanbin as possible, it’s not that he doesn’t like him, it’s more that Hanbin doesn’t really like him that much, or so the thinks, at least.

He stays seated in his place for a few minutes, reading his book calmly but still not quite as relaxed as he wants to, he’s still a little tense around Hanbin alone. Hanbin isn’t having it though, “do you still need help with math?” and Chanwoo actually drops his book in surprise.

When Hanbin raises his brows in annoyance Chanwoo remembers he hasn’t answered and he nods his head violently, a small smile, barely there, makes it onto Hanbin’s face, “go get your book” he orders and Chanwoo’s flying out of his seat and rushing to Junhwe’s room to get his book which is in his backpack.

When he gets back Hanbin’s laptop is closed and he’s waiting expectantly for Chanwoo to come and sit beside him, he does so carefully and makes sure not to disrupt any of Hanbin’s papers in front of him. “You don’t have to be so careful around me, I’m not gonna hate you for touching my shoulder without asking me. I’m the leader, but I’m not a king and you’re not a peasant” he says and it’s quiet but clear as day and he’s looking directly at Chanwoo when he says it. Chanwoo looks back at him and they’re just staring at each other for a few seconds but it’s not awkward, surprisingly. After a while of silence Chanwoo carefully moves closer to him until their shoulders are touching and he’s opening his book, going through it until he’s at the page where he left off, “hyung” he says and Hanbin mumbles a quiet “yeah” in response.

“I don’t understand this.”

“Then let me help you” and the he’s grabbing his pen and a blank paper, getting ready to explain the equation, and while he does so, their shoulders remain touching.

Sings: ~I don't know where I'm going with thisssss~

Thank you all for reading! Please comment what you thought of this chapter, and, if any of you have any requests for the future chapters please comment that too! It's always good to hear others ideas and stuff, helps me write A LOT.

Have a good day/morning/afternoon/night <3 <3

Btw, how fast do you want the Junchan relationship to evolve? Like, do you want them to kiss the next chapter (I'm not gonna let that happen lmao) or in chapter 56 (I'm not gonna write that many lol) ????

Bye!!! :)

Btw, I had to link you, but take this poll on Junhwe's hair color cause I can't decide!!!

https://www.asianfanfics.com/poll/aff_view/112006