“Hyung,” Chanwoo whispers, his breath turning into mist as he speaks out into the early morning, “hm,” Jungkook hums to show that he’s listening, even though it looks like he’s about to fall asleep any second. “Did you mean?” Chanwoo turns to him as much as he can on the window sill, “when you said you don’t think you’ll be able to beat Exo?”

Jungkook opens his eyes and stares out into the dark, an odd look taking place on his face as he tries to come up with an answer, “I think so,” he mumbles softly before looking directly at Chanwoo hesitantly, “I mean, maybe we can, it’s more of a question whether I want to or not,” he states quietly and Chanwoo frowns in worried confusion.

“W-why would you want to lose?” Chanwoo asks timidly and Jungkook closes his eyes once more before grabbing Chanwoo’s hand on the window sill and holding it close, he doesn’t answer and Chanwoo doesn’t push. He doesn’t like the feeling of not knowing what the elder means but he knows it won’t do any good to ask once again. So instead he hugs the elder’s hand tight and lets the silence take over.

It’s a cold November night, like any other day in November really, but Chanwoo feels this one is special, not because he sees extra stars on the sky or because the moon is shining extra bright, neither is it because it’s a day of any significant purpose, rather, he feels it’s special because his hyung is there with him. His hyung who he remembers as this strong individual, is sitting right next to him and he looks vulnerable. It brings Chanwoo comfort to know that even the strongest of beings have their highs and lows.

Chanwoo takes a leap of fate and leans his head on Jungkook’s shoulder, and thankfully the elder doesn’t push him away, instead, he lets go of the boy’s hand and drapes his arm over his shoulders. It’s comfort in the most Jungkook way there is and Chanwoo didn’t realize how much he’d missed this until now.

“Hyung,” he mumbles, “hmm,” Jungkook answers and it’s almost comical how Jungkook always has to answer to make sure he’s really talking to him, even though he’s the only one there. “Have you ever kissed someone?” Chanwoo doesn’t know why he asks, he just knows that the question is out before he can stot himself and Jungkook’s breath hitches at the words.

There’s a pregnant pause where nothing happens and Chanwoo’s afraid that he might have overstepped his boundaries,but then Jungkook sits up straighter and looks right at him, “yes, why?”

Chanwoo shrugs aimlessly and breathes deeply, of course Jungkook’s kissed someone, he’s an adult for god's sake, “I just, I kissed Junhwe hyung a while ago, well not ‘kissed’ really, more like pecked and then ran away,” he mumbles in embarrassment and Jungkook’s eyes widen.

“You kissed him?!” He half shouts and Chanwoo quickly covers his mouth with his hands, “shh, yes, okay, I did,” Jungkook stares at him with icy eyes and Chanwoo cowers a bit. “Why?” Jungkook asks quietly all of the sudden, very different from how he talked only seconds ago, “cause I kinda like him, but it doesn’t matter cause he doesn’t like me,” he sighs a little melancholy and looks away from Jungkook. “Did he say that?” Jungkook questions and and it takes a few seconds for Chanwoo to understand what he means, “he didn’t ‘say’ that he doesn’t like me but...I found him with Hanbin,” he trails off at the end, not wanting to remember that moment.

Jungkook stays quiet after that, he doesn’t really know what to say, Junhwe and Hanbin is certainly a surprise but what really shut him up is that Chanwoo kissed Junhwe. He doesn’t like it, not one bit.

Suddenly he turns abruptly and stares at Chanwoo, incredibly focused and almost borderline scary, Chanwoo startles at the elder’s movement and braces himself on the window sill so that he doesn’t fall, “what’s wrong?” he asks hurriedly, worried that the elder noticed something or that he’ll leave, “I-” Jungkook mumbles but doesn’t say anything else. It’s like his words are caught in his throat and he swallows heavily as he stares at the younger’s lips, they’ve practically grown up together as brothers but they were never as close as Moonbin and Chanwoo, so how bad can it be.

“Can I kiss you?” Jungkook whispers and his breath hits Chanwoo’s skin, Chanwoo freezes but not because of the november air and the way it makes the hair on his arms rise, but because the elder just asked if he could kiss him. “What,” he breathes out shockingly but before he can say anything else or do anything, Jungkook’s lips meet his and he in a deep breath.

He doesn’t dare push the elder away but he doesn’t really know where to go from here, thankfully he doesn’t need to because Jungkook’s lips move against his and Chanwoo hesitantly puts his hand on the elder’s shoulder to pull him closer. He doesn’t really know what he’s doing but as his lips move clumsily against Jungkook’s he starts to understand how it goes. It’s not that he wants to stop really, but he can’t help but imagine Junhwe instead of Jungkook, because no matter how much he tries to forget the elder who acts like he hates him, he can’t.

Jungkook breaks away quickly as he hears the opening of a door and Chanwoo in a deep breath and breathes heavily as he’s finally able to, but his ease is short lived as he sees Junhwe standing in the doorway with a blank expression and his hands in fists. “If you want to faces, please don’t do it in my room,” he states coldly and slams the door shut as he leaves. Chanwoo lowers his head in shame at being caught and flushes heavily, Jungkook’s reaction is a little different, he snorts and whispers “” under his breath but other than that shows no embarrassment for being caught.

“Maybe we should-”

“Yeah,” Jungkook says and pats Chanwoo’s cheek, “I’ll see you soon, but I probably gotta get back to our base,” he says and Chanwoo nods and tries not to show his disappointment at being left alone on the cold window sill with his legs dangling over a 5 or so meter drop onto pavement.

He doesn’t know how long he sits there for and he only slips off  the sill into the cold room when Junhwe enters once again, he doesn’t dare to say anything because he doesn’t want to upset the elder but the only thing Junhwe does is walk past him and closing the window, “It’s november, you can’t leave the ing window open,” he hisses and Chanwoo presses himself up against the wall in fear, “I’m sorry,” he mumbles and Junhwe only rolls his eyes and gets into bed. “Leave,” he hears him mutter from the bed and Chanwoo’s eyes widen, is this it? Is he throwing him out for good?

“W-what-”

“Didn’t you hear me? Leave,” he says coldly and Chanwoo hurries out of the room as quick as his legs can carry him, when he shuts the door he leans against it and wills himself not to cry. Junhwe’s angry at him and he deserves this, he tells himself. He deserves it all.

*_*

The next day as Chanwoo sits in the back of the classroom trying to figure out algebra he can’t help but think back on the kiss, he didn’t hate it, but it didn’t quite feel right but he couldn’t say that to Jungkook in fear of hurting his feelings, he couldn’t push him away either, so he kissed him back. But was that the right thing to do?

And the fact that Junhwe walked in just then, it was just so embarrassing, he’d kissed the elder only a few days ago and he was already off with some other dude in a corner faces. That doesn’t quite sit well with Chanwoo and he feels like a betrayer, towards whom he doesn’t know but in one way or another he doesn’t feel right.

He’s shaken out of his thoughts by a knock on his desk and he looks up he sees his teacher, looking quite angry and staring at his very much blank page, “how’s math going for you, Jung,” she says happily but Chanwoo sees right through her ugly facade of fake caring, “and how’s your father doing? Still helping you with school work,” she smiles and Chanwoo feels angry tears rise out of frustration, he can’t even begin to count the number of times he’s come into her class with bruises and cuts, but never has she said anything.

Chanwoo knows that she knows, she knew years ago during the parent meeting when his dad had grabbed his arm harshly and scolded him for getting a C, and she knew a few months ago when he came to school limping and with purple hand prints on his neck. She’s always known but never said anything and now she even has the nerve to mock him. Chanwoo isn’t sure what to do, he feels trapped under her gaze and the only way to escape would be to physically run out of the classroom and straight home, but he can’t do that. So he casts his gaze toward his book and and doesn’t say anything, but she doesn’t let him go, instead she sits down on the empty chair next to him and lays a hand on his back.

“Chanwoo, I know things have been hard at home, but that’s no excuse to slack off in school. How many times have you been late because of ‘problems’? And how many times have you been excused from P.E because of an ‘injury’? You can’t keep lying as an excuse, Chanwoo. And you have to understand that, making problems into something bigger than they are isn’t going to benefit you,” she says and presses her lips together tightly to indicate her final statement, and the only thing Chanwoo can do is gape at her. He’s in disbelief, total and utterly disbelief.

And before he knows it he’s slamming his book shut and grabbing his backpack, “have a nice evening,” he croaks out and then he’s out of the classroom and quickly out of the building. He’s out of school almost three hours early and there’s no idea going to work now, so he walks to his bus and rides it all the way home.

It’s not long before he’s off the bus again and running toward his house that he has started to call home, he knows there’s no rush, never has been, he’s just so sad and on the verge of breaking down that he doesn’t think stopping and thinking over the situation in the moment will do him any good.

He scans his thumb which works, thanks to Donghyuk, and sprints through the door. He doesn’t expect it to be completely empty, but he certainly doesn’t expect there to be at least 15 other people in the room all pausing their conversation to look at him. The first one he sees is Hanbin, standing in the middle paused mid-gesture, the second person he sees is Jungkook, sat on the edge of the couch with a small hesitant smile toward him, he doesn’t smile back.

“Hey,” Jinhwan says but frowns in confusion as he looks at the clock on the wall, “why are you home?” he asks as he stands up from the couch and makes his way over, but he stops midway when he sees Chanwoo withdraw from him. Chanwoo tries, he tries so hard not to cry but the words from his teacher echo in his head and as soon as the first tear slips down it’s game over and here comes the Niagara falls. When Jinhwan tries to come closer he backs up until he’s basically halfway out the door, and somewhere in the midst of his blurred eyes he sees the worried look on Jungkook’s face and in that moment he doesn’t care if it’s awkward between them because of the kiss, he just needs someone. “Hyung, I can’t-” he in a deep breath as he sees Jungkook move from his position on the couch and come closer to where Chanwoo’s standing, “I’ll take him outside for a bit,” Jungkook says and Chanwoo’s not sure who he’s talking to but in this moment he can’t care less if the whole world gets to know how utterly pathetic he is because he can’t breathe and needs someone to help him through.

And then Jungkook’s right in front of him and pressing his lips to his forehead in a comforting manner that has Chanwoo melting into his embrace, he feels him lead him somewhere until the warmth of the loft no longer touches him and he’s left being shielded from the cold by Jungkook’s own warmth.

His tears stop quickly but he’s still sad and extremely angry at his teacher and so he hugs Jungkook tighter and then they just stand there, he doesn’t say anything so neither does Jungkook. Chanwoo knows he wants to ask, so he decides to spare the elder and answers before the question  is asked, “my teacher...she-she mocked me about dad. I know I shouldn’t have left but I just got so angry,” he mumbles into the crook of Jungkook’s neck and Jungkook hugs him tighter and hums quietly under his breath.

“What did she say?”

“That I couldn’t use my problems at home as an excuse to be late or not pay attention in class, that I should stop lying and seek attention, that my dad i-” Jungkook draws away from the hug and places his hands on Chanwoo’s shoulders as to ground him, and keep him away from his dark thoughts, “your father beat you, hell, he almost killed you, she has no right to blame you for any of that, she has no right to even talk about your family because she’s your teacher, not your parent, not your psychologist, she’s nothing to you but a teacher and what she said was so wrong. But I need you to pull away from that dark mindset of yours, okay?” Jungkook rants as he shakes Chanwoo slightly to make him understand.

“It’s not your fault, it’s never been your fault, none of it,” he says and Chanwoo feels a tear slip down his cheek and he hates crying but he can’t stop his eyes from overflowing with the salty water, “you’ve done so well, you have to know that. What you’ve gone through is something no one your age should have to experience, but you have and you’ve handled it so well, please know that. Your mother would be very proud,” Jungkook says and presses his lips to Chanwoo’s forehead once again, but the one thing that breaks him the most is the quiet, “Moonbin would be proud.”

The tears fall and now he doesn’t even try to stop them, he doesn’t even try to stop the sobs coming up from his throat or his body from shaking; he just accepts it and stands there, breaking down in front of a gang’s front door in the arms of another gang member. He doesn’t know for long he cries or how long they stay still out in the cold air but when he’s calmed down enough to talk it’s a lot colder outside and he can feel Jungkook shivering against him. He doesn’t want to pull away because he knows this bubble of comfort will be shattered when they enter again and have to go back to being separate people with little to no connection, only some old long forgotten friendship, as they seem to think.

He’s overthinking things, he knows, it seems to be all he does lately. Jungkook knows it too because he taps Chanwoo’s forehead and snorts in amusement when Chanwoo’s eyes fly up to his as if he’s been shocked, “I can hear you thinking,” he jokingly states and Chanwoo relaxes a little at the elder’s happy tone, it’s funny how quick the atmosphere can go from sad and tense to happy and relaxed in just a minute, but Chanwoo’s grateful for Jungkook’s presence, and his comfort.

“Maybe we should go inside,” Jungkook says as he looks at his phone to check the time, it’s barely been over half an hour but it felt much, much longer than that. Chanwoo nods but doesn’t make any move toward the door, so Jungkook grabs his hand and leads him to it, “you can just say hi and then move past, they’re friendly I swear,” he drags a hand through his hair, “ It’s just my hyungs and got7, I told you about them, right?”

“Got7...with the member who got killed?” Chanwoo asks hesitantly and Jungkook nods grimly, a sad expression taking place over his handsome features, “yeah,” he answers gloomily and Chanwoo nods solemnly, he wonders how the others must feel? How would he feel if one of iKon died? Oh god he doesn’t even dare to think about it.

“You ready to go inside?” Jungkook asks as he looks deeply into Chanwoo’s eyes to make sure that he’s fine and not on the verge of panicking anymore, Chanwoo pauses for a moment to ask himself am I really ready but he knows his hyungs are inside, and Jungkook’s hyungs, and Got7 seem...okay he guesses. They’ve lost someone so at least he can relate.

“Yeah, let’s go,” he answers surprisingly a lot more confident than he feels but it doesn’t feel completely wrong so he scans his thumb and the door opens. “Ladies first,” he hears Jungkook joke and he nudges the elder in the side and drags him inside, he’s nervous so he tries to distract himself by paying attention to Jungkook, the older boy knows this and therefore continues to until they’re already halfway inside the living room and the conversation taking place there stops.

“Hey,”Jimin, he thinks the boy is called, says with a grin but there’s something in his eyes that Chanwoo can’t decipher, but if he was to take a wild guess he’d guess something akin to worry, “everything okay now?” he asks and Jungkook nods and nudges Chanwoo’s shoulder to get him to say something.

“Hi, I’m Chanwoo,” he bows deeply toward the newcomers and when he hears them snicker he blushes deeply and turns to Jungkook, who only shrugs in amusement at the atics.

Just then Hanbin decides to say something for the first time since he came home but it isn’t really what Chanwoo wants to hear because it’s basically ‘you’re a kid together’, although a little nicer...maybe. “Chanwoo, maybe you should go to your room for the time being,” he says and Jinhwan nods in agreement and if Jinhwan agrees then he probably should. Only...he doesn’t have a room.

“Yeah, okay um, I’ll go then, yeah,” he stutters out in a mess but at least they get the message and as soon as he starts walking their conversation picks up again, as usual Junhwe’s the one furthest away from the rest of the group so when he’s about to leave the room he approaches him, “hyung,” he mumbles nervously and Junhwe doesn’t answer, the only indication he gives of even hearing the boy is a quick quirk of his eyebrow, “can I enter your room?” he almost whispers the last part and when Junhwe doesn’t answer he’s afraid the elder didn’t hear him. But then Junhwe suddenly stands up and stares right at him and it’s so out of character for the elder that Chanwoo cowers under his gaze, “I don’t know, aren’t you cosy enough out here with your boyfriend?” he hisses and the anger in his voice almost distracts Chanwoo from his actual answer to the question. Boyfriend? Jungkook hyung? No...that’s not what they are, right?

“Jungkook hyung is not my boyfriend,” he says quietly so that the others doesn’t hear him, but that only seems to anger Junhwe further and then he grabs ahold of Chanwoo’s arm and drags him out of the living room into the small corridor, “really? Last time I checked friends don’t each other’s faces.”

And Chanwoo only stares because why is he mad at him? He saw him and Hanbin first so what’s Junhwe’s deal? “You’re one to talk,” he says and instantly regrets it because since when has he ever been brave; the answer is never.

Junhwe pauses with his mouth open and just gawks at the younger in shock, it’s not that he’s forgotten when he caught them on the couch, but he didn’t think the younger would use it against him, “me and Hanbin are different,” he responds but Chanwoo only scoffs, this doesn’t feel fair at all, why does Junhwe get to be mad at him but he doesn’t have the right to be mad right back at him?

“How? Are you boyfriends? are you secretly married? are you soul mates? Are you-”, “none of that, stop, just stop. What you saw,” he pauses, “it’s just something we do, to relieve stress, it’s got nothing to do with feeling or whatever crap you’re thinking. We’re not in love,” declares firmly and Chanwoo is left only one question left, “then why are you mad at me?” he demands but it’s not said harshly, he doesn’t dare.

Junhwe closes his eyes and just stands there for a moment, he knows what he wants to say, but it’s also the thing he can’t say, so therefore he settles for, “I don’t know,” and this time it’s Chanwoo’s turn to roll his eyes, he doesn’t where all this confidence is coming from but he’s more than ready to use it, “that’s not good enough,” he says and marches into Junhwe’s (and his) room and closes the door with a bang. Not a very pretty exit. Not very pretty at all.

****

He feel the pressing of a blade slicing his skin, so familiar and yet so so different from the self inflicted wounds. It hurt badly as the metal cuts a gash in his cheek and he hates how he knows exactly the feeling of skin being parted and the exact amount of seconds until he’ll feel blood down his face.

He’s disoriented and the room spins as he smells some sort of alcohol close to him, he’s cant see anything and he knows that he’s not fully awake, he’s aware but not conscious. It’s scary and uncomfortable and he wants to wake up from this dream or whatever it is, but then he hears a taunting voice laugh as another slice is added to his face, this time right over his brow.

“Not a dream, little boy,” the voice drips with insanity and makes his skin crawl in fear, Chanwoo cracks his eyes open to see what in the world is going on around him and the menacing smile that meets him has him whimpering, “oh, aren’t you a cute one,” the man has a killer smile and a surprisingly soft face but with certain sharp features, he doesn’t look like he’s meant to be scary.

“W-wh- who are you?” Chanwoo mumbles and his throat feels raw, he must have been drugged or something, “oh sweet boy,you’re too cute to be stuck with iKon,” he practically gags at the name and Chanwoo gets the feeling that this man is certainly the enemy. A sudden thought hits him and he prays to whatever god out there that he’s wrong, “are you f-from Exo?” eh asks and the smile on the man’s face spreads no an extent where it looks like it’ll split. “Bingo!” another voice sounds from behind him and only then does he notice that he is in fact sitting up on a chair in the middle of Junhwe’s room, and as he starts to get used to his surroundings and the drug starts to wear off he thinks he can hear gunshot in the background.

“Channie look at him! Isn’t he cute,” the man from behind him says and Chanwoo wants to cover his body even though he’s fully clothed, he feels to exposed like this. “What do you want?” he asks shakily and the man in front of him laughs and it’s disturbingly loud and joyful, like he wasn’t just cutting Chanwoo up moment ago.

“Well, we originally came here for iKon-” the man from being him walks around the chair until he’s leaning against the man crouched in front of him and when Chanwoo sees him he can’t help but feel even more frightening, the man doesn't look very old, but the way his eyes crinkle as he looks at the blood dripping down Chanwoo’s cheek makes him feel like a pig ready for slaughter. “-But then we found you, you little precious thing and we just couldn’t resist you, you’re not like the others,” he says and moves closer until he’s only a few centimeter from Chanwoo’s face, he’s so close that Chanwoo can feel his breath and he fights the urge to gag at the close proximity.

Suddenly there’s a loud boom from outside and Chanwoo jumps in his seat out of fear but the men only laugh and throw their heads back like it’s the most hilarious thing in the world, “ooh Baek did you hear that? They’re bringing out the big guns,” he practically screams and the Baek guy smiles creepily before returning to his position uncomfortably close to the youngest.

“Have you ever been so afraid that you’ve begged?” Baek asks and Chanwoo wants to cry because yes but he’s really not feeling up to doing it again, he nods slowly and the man smiles at him and gestures for the Channie guy behind him to lend him something. Their movements are too quick and so he doesn’t catch what it is until the familiar feeling of a barrel is pressed to his temple and he swallow heavily because he knows, this time, Yunhyeong won’t be able to stop them from shooting.

“So let’s see you beg,” Channie mumbles and then the barrel’s moving downward between his eyes and down his nose until it presses against his lips, Chanwoo feels the slight burn of tears but Baek shushes him, “there-there sweet boy, open,” he says and Chanwoo doesn’t understand until the barrel is pressing against his teeth and forcing him to open his mouth.

The barrel is cold and metallic in his mouth and it’s disgusting but there’s nothing he can do about it, he lets the first tear run down his cheek freely and that only seem to make the other two happier as they snicker, “are you afraid?” Baek mumbles and presses close so that his nose is touching Chanwoo’s cheek.

And when Chanwoo nods he lets a sinister smile take place on his face, “good.”

WOW what a rollercoaster!! I really hope you enjoyed that and please leave a comment if you have time, they make my day

Have a nice day/night/morning/afternoon <3 <3