the thirtieth step

“Sometimes I just want to disappear, don’t you?”

When Lay told her this as they laid on his bedroom floor, his tears finally dry and the floor unforgiving on their backs, she didn’t know what to say at first. It hit home because she thought the same many times before. That was until she learnt to harden her heart.

She had a roof over her head and a meal to fill her belly every night. Not only that, she lived and breathed luxury; there were not many things in this world she couldn’t have, Minyoung had told her once and it was true.

But the day Bom told her to live, she realised there was more to life than that.

More things far precious than wealth and simply following the path laid out in front of you.

“Yes,” she had told him, “but not anymore. There’s so much more we can do in our lives, Yixing, but we can’t do that if we just give up and disappear.”

Lay must’ve found that sappy because he made a sound that sounded like a scoff that lacked the edge. Instead as the furniture loomed over them from where Lay had pulled her to the ground with him, he looked content laying there in the middle of it all, a thumb on her wrist that he had almost bruised back in the dorm.

That was why when he told her to go after Jongin, she did. She knew it was consent.

By the time she arrived at Jongin’s place, her head was already clear and she knew what to do. Comforting her boyfriend wasn’t hard when she understood the rift between him and Lay. It was only a matter of time until they reconciled again.

All of this was exhausting, but Minji was fighting for her happiness and that included theirs.

“It’s kind of funny,” Jongin murmured, the hem of his shirt barely covering her thighs. “You’ve been putting up with me, Lay and your family but you’re still here, standing.”

“You forgot school and Seonu,” she added and he visibly winced, making her smile. “I’m just kidding, Jongin.”

“It’s true though,” he grumbled.

Sure it was but that didn’t matter to her. His smiles did. Swinging a leg over him, she trapped him against the headboard. A pair of arms locked around her hips.

“You know what you could do though?” He tilted his head at her and she playfully squished his cheeks. “Stay happy and healthy so you and I could perform at the showcase in a few weeks’ time.”

He tsked. “Then just stay there on my lap and we’ll be fine.”

As their laughter rang throughout his apartment, Minji wished she really could.

In contrast, the estrangement between her and sister grew worse. If the tension between Lay and Jongin had seen some enlightenment, then their sisterhood remained bleak. At this point, it seemed impossible to mend it at all.

This continued to be the case when she bumped into her sister in the hallway after dinner. Rarely did they see each other anymore besides mealtimes.

“Last time you came home late from Yixing’s place, now you’re doing sleepovers.”

Minji wished her feet hadn’t stopped at her voice but it was as if it was ingrained of her to do so. True, she was on the verge of hating the woman but a part of her missed her just as much.

“Was he sick again?” Minyoung went on with assessing eyes. “Or did something else happen this time?”

Under the weight of her stare, Minji couldn’t help but tug the collar of her hoodie tighter around her neck. Beneath were hickies, all thanks to her boyfriend’s overzealous affections. She daren’t imagine what Minyoung would do if she found out.

“Not sick but he wasn’t doing well either. I was too worried to leave him alone.”

That wasn’t a lie because after leaving Amber’s dorm, she stayed with Lay until he shooed her to Jongin after.

Minyoung broke into a sugary smile. “I know. He texted me. Not that I’m surprised it was him and not you. Must be a habit to hide your whereabouts now, huh?”

She flinched at the accusation. Seeing this, her older sister let out a little laugh.

“Chill out, Min. You can’t really blame me though, can you? It’s just maybe a while ago I wouldn’t have had a reason to not trust you. Nowadays, I don’t really know how I see you anymore.”

Just like that, tears pricked Minji’s eyes. Minyoung had always the power to hurt her like no one else can.

“Just…what did I do to you?” Minji’s voice quivered with emotion. “Yes, I lied but you’re acting as if this engagement is more important to you than me.”

It was Minyoung’s turn to flinch, all feigned sweetness from her face draining. Slowly, a menacing aura seemed to drape over her. It was a warning too late as she marched over, backing Minji up against the wall.

“See, this is where you’re wrong, dear sister,” she said bitingly. “This engagement is important to everyone but you’re too selfish to realise that. It’s disappointing. All of us were counting on you until you decided to around.”

As expected, under all that saccharine was nothing but venom. But Minyoung was right. If she were to comply, it would save everyone from this mess. Even Jongin.

She was only thinking of herself and her pursuit for happiness, but…

“How about me?” Minji argued. “It benefits you all but me—”

“We grew up knowing we'd have to sacrifice something at some point, Min, you know that!”

She did. She knew her pampered life had a price but it still wasn't fair!

Heart in , she bumped past Minyoung. She believed in what she was fighting for but shame still slipped past her walls and made her insides coil. Like last time, she was running away but she wasn't just running from Minyoung. She was running from the truth.

There was no time left before her official first and last stage. Hyoyeon had been stricter than ever to get their routine perfect and Minji was trying her best to do it well.

Jongin had been supportive ever despite his professional demeanour in front of the cameras, his hands firm but eyes gentle when they met hers.

It helped but her encounter with Minyoung wouldn't leave her alone; knowing at some point after this dance, the future was uncertain and it might not include him.

“Better,” Hyoyeon remarked as the music came to a stop. She walked over to the cameras. “At least you seem to be getting back into your usual rhythm. Just try to leave whatever problems you have outside the studio, okay? I need your all for this, Minji.”

“I know, I'm sorry,” she said for what must've been the thousandth time.

In the student lounge, Jongin specifically asked what those problems were.

“Is Lay acting up again?”

“No, no. He’s fine.”

They haven't seen each other since that night but Lay had been replying to her messages. That was a good enough for her. Right now, he claimed to need time for himself and she understood after everything he had told her.

A hand tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. The sweet gesture made her feel even worse.

“Then, what is it?”

Minji sighed, refusing to meet her boyfriend's gaze. “We can't keep doing this forever, Jongin.”

At her response, he seemed to be at loss for words. After staring at her for what must've been the longest time, he drew his lips into a firm line.

“What happened? What did they say?”

Knowing he read well, she kept her eyes on her lap, on her hands, on her bag as she made a grab for it—anywhere but his as she prepared to leave.

“Nevermind,” she lied. “Just…forget about it.”

She left before he could call her out on it. It was cowardly but she couldn't stand there and look at him, still wrapped up in the bliss of his ignorance. It wasn’t the right time to tell him.  

For now, Minji decided to pour all her attention to her school again. She was graduating. Assignments out of the way, she only had exams left to do, which she gave her wholehearted attention to despite her irregular sleeping schedule.

It wasn't too hard and it was all thanks to her boyfriend, who was no longer physically there to reprimand her but on her phone spamming her to take breaks when appropriate. It made her smile, if not sadly, knowing he was still doing his best to be there for her.

On the day after she took her final high school exam ever, the sun was out, a golden halo hanging over the school grounds. The breeze that greeted her outside smelled sweet of spring, heady of freshly cut grass and budding flowers.

The weather was almost too good to be true after that intense exam. Taking it as a good sign, she wasn’t totally wrong once she spotted a familiar figure lingering by the entrance. Her heart leapt.

“Yixing?”

“How was it?” He asked when she approached and she beamed at him, taking in his spruced up appearance. Fitted slacks and an ironed dress shirt, it was almost hard to believe he had been that mess she held not too long ago.

He was back to his seamless exterior but Minji wasn't blind. These were all but pieces of him glued together.

She looked up to him admiringly. “Better than the maths one for sure,” she said softly.

He returned her smile. By now, she knew it wasn't the trick of light when the curve of his lips looked a little cracked, still healing from the events that transpired not too long ago. Still, it was refreshing—genuine as he offered his arm out to her.

“Then let's celebrate.”

They went to Myeongdong like before, walking around with no destination in mind. They even bumped into the same waffle stand and ordered the exact same waffles. It was almost nostalgic though it was not too long ago. A lot has happened since then.

“You should've told me you were coming,” she said, her lips clean of the crumbs.

He shrugged. “To be honest, I forgot until I checked our last convo.”

She narrowed her eyes at him and he just smiled, finishing his snack and throwing it at the nearest bin.

“Guess I was lucky you checked then. An unni of mine actually cancelled on me last night.”

“Really? Min-jie?”

She had to keep her smile even as she corrected him. “No. Bom-unni. She was at our engagement, remember?”

“Ah, yes. The eldest daughter of the Park Industries. You guys must be close.”

She shrank a little. “Well, she's Minyoung’s friend actually…”

The tiny and vulnerable sound of her voice pulled his eyes to her.

He frowned. “How is your sister?”

Her appetite took a plunge and the hand holding her waffle fell back at her sides. She took a sudden interest at the pavement they walked on.

“Still the same, I'm guessing?”

Unable to respond because the ball growing in , she felt an arm slip around hers.

“She can't resist you for too long, Minji. Look what happened with me," came Lay's joke in her ear.

Appreciating his efforts, she curled herself into his side and left it at that. Whether he was right or not, Minyoung was the last thing she needed to be reminded of right now.

It was unexpected yet unsurprising how closer she and Lay became after what happened. With that long meaningful conversation they had on his bedroom floor, a strange habit of his that she learned about, everything just seemed to fall into place.

Disclosing stories from both sides like the tale of his mother and her trauma, what Minji's mother said before rang true. They were more alike than they thought.

Now walking around with their linked arms, they actually looked like the engaged couple they were supposed to be. But that was on the surface and surface only.

Lay made sure of that when he suggested they grab coffee and Minji didn't expect it to be Jongin's workplace.

Amber eyed them suspiciously when she greeted them.

“You're not going to set up another scene, are you guys? Because Kai and I would not like to risk getting fired again.”

A faint grimace took hold of Lay before he replied, “we'd just like some coffee, Amber. Promise.”

Not too surprisingly, Amber sent Jongin to take their orders. Her boyfriend took his time absorbing the scene.

He sighed with furrowed brows. “What would you like?”

“The usual,” Lay ended up speaking though he kept his eyes on the menu. “I trust you know what that means.”

Sensing the emotions Lay was hiding under the guise of reading the menu, Minji flashed her boyfriend a sheepish smile.

“If you don't, I'll be disappointed,” she added with a hint of playfulness. The rare expression got Jongin's attention with a further knit of his brows and a sulk tugging at his mouth.

He looked like a kid left out of a secret. To her guilt, it was somewhat true.

“Cappuccino and latte it is.” With a closing snap of his pad, he was gone again, not even bothering to take their menus.

“Is he mad?” Lay asked after putting the menu down.

Minji shook her head but sent him a meaningful look. “Not really, but you should probably talk to him soon, don’t you think?"

Lay's gaze fell on the table. “I know, I know but…” His smile turned bitter at the edges. “Just give me time. This isn't easy.”

The rest of the afternoon was spent soaking the warmth spilling through the windows. Amber, who passed them every now and then, would drop cheeky comments while Jongin did nothing but steal glances. The situation was indeed strange as Lay and Minji continued to sip their drinks but it meant a lot of things.

A sort of unspoken peace was taking place and it was obvious in the tension that was missing in the air. Like Minji assumed as Lay sipped his cup and her boyfriend snuck her a weak smile, certain relationships were already bounding its way towards recovery. It was only the matter of time.

When the cafe was closing up, Lay made his departure, leaving Minji with Jongin who had just been left off early.

“Why aren't you…?” Jongin referred to the direction Lay disappeared from and Minji just grabbed hold of his hand.

“It's fine. I just have to text Lay when I get home so it matches up with his story if they ever ask.”

Jongin drew his brows together. “You're both getting braver now or what?”

Minji just shrugged as they stepped out into the sidewalk. Their hair tossed around to the tune of rustling trees around them. The busy hour was already making its toll with the number of people swarming past them and it made Minji feel normal for once. Like she was just a girl