xiii. the thirteenth step

Jongin staggered through the door of his apartment with a barely conscious Minji in his arms.

She had long succumbed to her intoxicated state, leaving him to drag her from the bus stop all the way to his apartment level. It was more than tiring that a part of him just wished he could teleport.

Because it sure would’ve made this a hell lot easier, he thought, setting the girl onto his bed.

When Minji curled into his duvet, Jongin relaxed at the sight. Despite the nature of their relationship, he was not a heartless person. For a while now he could tell she was going through a rough time, evident in the things she has been saying and the way she clung to him. Though he barely understood any of it, this was the least he could do.

After washing up, he went straight to his makeshift bed on the couch. It seemed the consequences of his irrational decisions were finally taking a toll on him because no sooner had his head the pillow, he was fast asleep.

But the day wasn’t done with him just yet.

Only an hour or so passed when he woke again. It was well into the night, no cars driving past his window when a groan pulled him out of his sleep. Groggily, Jongin turned the lamp on and just as he suspected, he found Minji. She tossed and turned before suddenly convulsing with hands flying to mouth. Jongin immediately read the signs.

In a flash, he took her to the bathroom and in front of the toilet, just in time for her to instinctively grip the bowl and empty her stomach. Jongin made a face as the pungent smell hit his nose. At least he got a warning.

The thought comforted him as he gently held her hair back from her face.

“You done?”

Instead of answering, she panted with half-lidded eyes and Jongin figured she was still disoriented with sleep. Guiding her to the sink, he gave her a cup of water that she graciously gargled. After that her head fell onto his shoulder again, inciting a sigh from him.

It was still too strange. Seeing her like this. Yes, he had even seen her panic when they got lost and yes, he had seen her look devastated with reasons unknown to him, but this was another whole level of vulnerability. One that Jongin couldn’t help but accommodate.

Right now, this girl wasn’t just Gong Minji, she was also a human being; imperfect and flawed. Just like him.

Just like me.

“Stupid girl,” he mumbled. “No matter what you’re trying to run away from alcohol isn’t the solution.”

He of all people would know.

He managed to tuck her back into bed again. Pulling away, Jongin was about to turn off the lamp when a hand stopped him.

“Please stay.” The plea came out of nowhere. “Can’t you sleep with the lights on?”

Jongin was surprised. She had been quiet this whole time. “No,” he answered hesitantly. “Not with the lights on.”

A conflicted look flew across Minji’s face before she appealed another request that barely reached his ears. “Then turn it off, b-but only if you stay.”

Her hazy orbs rapt him for a second that he almost forgot his voice. “Stay?” he asked.

“With me. Please,” she finished with a meek tug on his shirt that pulled him towards her.

Perhaps he really was too tired. Or maybe he was already used to her pleas that he didn’t bother to give it another thought. Or maybe a part of him, somewhere deep down, didn’t mind. Whichever it was, Jongin found himself complying.

With a click, the lamp turned off and darkness swarmed the room. A whimper left her lips and though Jongin did not understand it, he found himself not needing to. His body moved of its own accord. He slid in behind her, while Minji brought his hand to her chest making him loop an arm around her. He didn’t question it and the way she clung to him as if he were her anchor.

He was too immersed in the feel of her again and the recollection of their isolation. Everything had been out of survival then, but what was his excuse now? To be this close to her. To touch her again. None. There was none and yet…

“Thank you.”

Her whisper quietened his conflict. Jongin then felt his body submit; digging his face in her hair as he melded against her body. The last thing he recalled was her warmth and how he relished all of it as his lids fell closed.

Minji woke to sunlight dancing across her lids. Stirring, she found herself tucked into the crook of someone’s neck. Thinking nothing of it, she unconsciously snuggled closer until all she felt was warm skin against her cheek.

Unfortunately, sleep wasn’t planning on taking her back anytime soon and so she was forced to stay awake. And being awake meant gaining her senses. Finally getting up, Minji looked down to find a sweater and that sweater to be pulled over a broad chest.

She recoiled upon seeing the owner. It was his face that caused the memories to rush back.

After that event, she was supposed to go home—but then there were a store and the taste of alcohol. The following moments were a big blur, but she remembered heaving her guts and fingers running across her temple. Then, there was also…

“Please stay.”

Minji paled as she stared at Jongin’s sleeping face. This was her doing, wasn’t it?

She rubbed her face with a mixture of disbelief and embarrassment. However, this was the least of her concerns as she realised where she was. Kim Jongin’s apartment.

It was frighteningly small, the place only split between the bedroom and the bathroom. There was also a minimal amount of furniture beside the kitchenette on one side, while books, clothes and whatnot cluttered the place. Simply put, it was a mess; the total opposite of what she was accustomed to back home, but Minji did not hate it.

On a bedside table, she spotted a picture frame. It was a family photo and it was easy to identify Jongin in it. Of course. He has a family too. They must be proud of him, she mused, taking in every smile on the photo. In contrast to her pampered life, he clearly fended for himself and Minji envied it. He had his life in his hands.

Falling back on the covers, she her side to look at him. He looked so peaceful that it reminded her of their intimate positions earlier. Her expression turned into one of longing.

It wouldn’t hurt to stay at his side one more time, right?

No…

Last night, he could’ve left her at that shop for the ahjumma to deal with but he didn’t. Instead, he took care of her when he had no reason to. Jongin had owed her nothing and yet here she was, deluded with such thoughts. Ashamed of herself, she forced herself to turn the other way, just as a toned arm lifted from the covers.

Minji squeaked at the force that pulled her back. Mustering courage, she looked down to see that Jongin had really just grabbed her in his sleep. She flushed. So much for fantasies.

As much as butterflies swarmed her belly, Minji became aware of the indecency just as much. This just screamed inappropriate. 

She wriggled, kicking the duvet away in the process of her not-so-discreet attempts but it was to no avail. He simply tightened his arm around her middle like a child would to a toy. It would’ve been cute if not for the butterflies in her belly combusting into a low simmer. It didn’t help that they were on a bed. His bed.

Certainly, she tried to pry him off but the strength he possessed overpowered her own. If only his body did not curve into her like it belonged there. If only her body did not enjoy every second of it.

She slumped her head on the pillow in defeat. “You’re killing me…”

“Then stop moving.”

Minji swore her heart stopped when his voice rasped from behind her. Thick with sleep, it sent a delicious tingle down her spine. Taken aback, her mind scrambled when she felt him move. It was his hand—it began to wander south. She opened to say something but failed as the tips of his fingers traced ever so slowly across her stomach.

Her breath hitched, what was he doing?

Taut with suspense, her breath only got shorter and shorter as he went lower, finding the curve of her side. Teasingly, he drew a trail through the material of her dress, the light touches making her thighs tremble. An ache bloomed inside her.  

Minji wasn’t naïve enough to not know why her body reacting, in fact, it was because of it, she felt mortified. What Jongin was doing and how she was reacting mortified her.

She tried to move out of his reach, not realising she was pushing herself deeper into his embrace. It was her undoing, and he took advantage. To quell her squirming, he pulled her further into him until Minji felt every plane of his body pressing against her back. Until every toned muscle, every firm limb was all she could feel. She whined under her breath and it harmonised with his hot ones on her neck. It was too much.

But even then, he did not stop and in fact, his hand lowered even further—and she jolted. He found her skin.

To Minji’s horror, her dress had hitched up to her hips. Before she could even wonder how or why, she choked on a gasp. It was his fingers, grazing along the edge of her underwear.

Following the cotton border, Minji became aware of his destination as he roamed across the material. Unbeknownst to her, her thighs were already rubbing together in anticipation, the heat between her legs hot and tingly. She was hanging by a thread, waiting for it. Wanting it.

It was the briefest slide between her thighs that sent her reeling. This time, she could not help herself. Her head fell back against him, a moan leaving her lips.  

Everything stopped. A part of her wanted to cry in frustration but his abrupt pause was like a bucket of ice. Behind her, there was an unsteady exhale and then—whoosh.

He yanked her dress down until it fluttered over her thighs. By the time Minji realised what he had done, she felt him roll away. Dumbfounded, she shot up to find him with an arm thrown over his face.

His Adam’s apple bobbed. “.”

Shaking, Minji watched as he moved his arm the slightest bit, enough to finally reveal his eyes looking straight at her.

“,” he said again as if realising what just happened. “I…I’m sorry…You need to go.”

It was as if it took a great amount of effort to say this, but Minji was too caught in his heated stare. What he spouted was easier said than done, especially when Minji could see how his eyes betrayed him. If anything, it made her want to do the exact opposite.

She inched towards him.

“You’ll regret it. We both will.”

He wasn't looking at her anymore, opting to stare at her lap and it was enough. His words and what they implied were enough and it shook her to the core.

Minji left and she did not look back. He did not stop her either.

A part of her was thankful, but the rest felt humiliated. How could she even think of facing him again? The way she cried his name and the way she almost threw herself at him…

I should’ve… I should’ve…No! Minji buried her face in her hands. God, what’s wrong with me?

From the moment he touched her, a dormant part of her awakened with fervour. Though Jongin had held and touched her many times before, even outside the studio, this was the first time it left her throbbing. With just one sensual caress, every fibre of her body begged for more. She had wanted him. Bad.

Realising what she just admitted, Minji became even more appalled. She urgently trashed these thoughts. This girl blinded by lust was not her and she desperately hoped Jongin would forget she existed.

Returning home, the girl snuck back into her room. Reality hit her hard when she realised she wore the same clothes as yesterday. Right. She never came home last night. What does she say to her family? Do they even realise her absence? Her phone died yesterday from the lack of charge, so if were there any messages or calls in there to warn her, she wouldn’t know at all.

After a quick shower, Minji later entered the dining room with trepidation, only to find two plates of food waiting on the table. That only meant one thing; her parents were already gone for the day.

“Min!”

Minji whirled to find Minyoung rushing towards her, face troubled that it caused a squeeze in her chest. Before she could respond, her sister went on, “I already told Mother everything so don’t worry about them.”

Minji blinked. “You did?”

“Of course,” Minyoung tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “It’s been tough Min, I know. So I wasn’t that surprised to see you not come home last night. Mother was being pushy and the date must’ve been hard on you. So, I hope you slept well last night. I’m sure the condo has been maintained. They always do a check-up once a month.”

The condominium under Minyoung’s name! The sisters’ temporary haven whenever staying in the house was too much. Minyoung had bought it when she became old enough and used it often during any disagreements with their parents.

Especially during that time when Minyoung had disobeyed their father and had her almost thrown out of the house. Minyoung did not come home for weeks. She shuddered at the memory. She, herself, had also used it, but not for similar purposes.

She stayed there once or twice to accompany Minyoung, but this is the first time she ‘slept’ over by herself.

“Yes…I…” Minji grimaced. Her apology was not for what her sister thought. “I’m sorry unni. I didn’t mean…”

“Oh no, Minji.” The woman wildly shook her head. “it’s not your fault. I understand. You can use it all you want, it’s open to you as much as it is for me. And I know you need it more than ever right now. So don’t feel bad for wanting space for yourself. Like I said, it’s a tough time for you.”

Minji attempted a smile. The memories from earlier were still fresh even after a shower. If the woman knew her real whereabouts and what she had just done a while ago. Her stomach churned.

Minyoung noticed her silence. “Tell you what! I want to cheer you up,” she grabbed Minji’s hand excitedly, leading her towards the table. “Let’s go shopping sometime this week. We’ll go around the city and the mall and just have a day to ourselves.”

The proposition was bittersweet. Her older sister was clearly trying to make it up to her, unaware of the truth of last night, but Minji cannot refuse. She’d have to agree for the sake of pretence.

“Sure, unni.”

She decided to be optimistic, ignoring the lies that continued to pile behind her. This could just be something to look forward to because another ordeal needed her attention right now. She sighed inwardly.

The group performance.  

The dawn of the performance reeled her back to into focus. Honestly a terrible timing for everything, it couldn’t be helped. Furthermore, humiliation was something she swore to avo