yixing!focus

the twenty-eighth step.

The floor was icy against his back, the coldness easily seeping through his clothes and into his skin. He paid it no mind, too busy trying to swallow thickness in his throat, but it wouldn’t go away. The tears distorting his vision of his bedroom ceiling wouldn’t either; they kept going, dribbling past his ears and into the floor.

They felt icky and shameful but it was nothing compared to the self-loathing he felt now.

Why? Why couldn’t she just push him away? Slap him as she had once done before when he hid their engagement from her? Call him spiteful names and treat him the useless piece of he really was?

Why would she hug him instead? Run her hands up and down his back like he had been the one forced into a kiss and not her? Why did she have to act so damn understanding?

It wasn’t fair, and now after dropping back to the floor in desperation, trying to find some sort of comfort, some much-needed clarity, he just wanted to curl up and waste away.

He still couldn’t breathe, even as he laid here. The problems, the pressure; they still haven’t gone away and instead crushed its weight on him even more.

Now, it made sense. He was finally old enough to understand.

This habit; even for his mother, it hadn’t been enough had it? That was why he couldn’t save her; why she decided to go and leave this world despite everything.

Sometimes, he wished he could do the same.

“Da-ge.”

He just came back from another unsuccessful mission to get his mother out of her room, but the maids wouldn’t even let him in that side of the house anymore. It was getting worse. When was the last time she saw her two sons?

“What is it?” Yifan didn’t look up from the book he was reading.

“Why won’t the maids let me visit mama? It’s not fair. Ever since those nurses came, we haven’t been able to see her. Even papa hasn’t come to visit.”

There was a heavy sigh, and he noticed his brother had lowered his book to his lap to give Lay his usual sharp stare.

“Because Dr Huang said so.” It wasn’t as if Yifan was displeased at him, but more so on what he was trying to explain. “And don’t bother with our father. As if he ever made time for us. For her.”

“But ge—”

“Get this into your skull, Xiao-Jia.” He almost shuddered at the dip in Yifan’s tone as he returned to his book. “That man doesn’t care about us, and he never will.”

Always the optimist and tender-hearted one, Lay was reluctant to believe his brother. Only because of the hope that bloomed at each birthday where gifts still arrived at his bedroom door, all from his father. So what if he had never greeted his sons personally?

However, that also had its limit.

“Told you, didn’t I?” Came a low voice from his side.

Today was his mother’s funeral and his father was absent. It hurt Lay, who at least hoped to see his father for this. This was their mother, for crying out loud. If he couldn’t make the effort for them then fine—but not his mother.

“He doesn’t care. He’s a joke of a man, let alone a father and a husband.”

Yifan’s eyes were bloodshot, tinted with unshed tears, but it was the hatred in them that would linger in Xiao-Jia’s mind. It gripped him, convinced him that Yifan must be right. For his great older brother to showcase such a vivid emotion, he must be.

So that night as Yifan revealed his plan, Lay agreed. It was an eye for an eye, Yifan said. One day they’ll grow bigger than him, and they’ll take away the empire he abandoned his family for.

They’ll leave him with nothing.

“This is the perfect opportunity.”

Yifan was pacing back and forth, his wing-toed shoes miraculously yet to make carpet burns in his study. Lay sat and watched; growing dizzy at the spectacle, almost nauseous though he was sure it wasn’t because of that at all.

“I don’t know, ge. This is a little sudden—”

“No, it’s perfect!” He insisted. “After all, after the failing the first time, we now have another chance with the Gong family.”

If his brain wasn’t stuck on the fact that he had just discovered Xiao-Min was Gong Minji, then he would’ve heard what his brother accidentally slipped.

“We can’t pass this up, Yixing. The fact the Gongs are looking to expand in China and decided we can be the one to help them is a big thing. That man may be a monster, but he’s damn well good at seizing opportunities.”

Lay didn’t like that compliment towards his father and he certainly didn’t like the fact Yifan wasn’t opposing this. “But, isn’t there any other way?”

“Why look for another way when the most convenient one appeared? C’mon, you’ve been studying business administration for almost two years now, Yixing. You know that this is the most sensible decision.”

He gritted his teeth; at being lectured; at being reminded. He knew that. He did, but what Yifan didn’t understand was, “my future fiancée is our childhood friend Xiao-Min! Which happens to be the same girl that attends my dance class, Gong Minji. When she finds out she’ll…she’ll…”

“You’ll hurt her, there’s no denying it,” Yifan said. “But I trust you. You can take care of her, I know you will, Xing.”

The belief his brother had for him was touching that his mouth went slack.

He couldn’t argue.

Truthfully, Minji’s cold reaction was merely a scratch. Maybe knowing she was a figure from the past made the situation a little trickier, but it was nothing he couldn’t deal with. Neglected since his mother died with just his brother to rely on kept him going.

After all, as Yifan had said; this was finally his part to play.

It was just unsettling. To know she had been that girl that was often forced to sit on the piano seat with him so he could play for her as she sang. That same stubborn girl that his brother approved of, and made him a tad jealous because even back then, she had always been much stronger than him.

But now, seeing her fall apart inside because of their entwined future, she definitely wasn’t that little girl anymore. No, she was just like him, and that made him uncomfortable.

“I don’t want to do this.”

His cheek still stung from her slap, but the only pain he felt was hearing her say the things he couldn’t.

“I know, but we don’t have a choice.”

He was trying to convince her, but really, he was trying to convince himself.

“I like Minji. I’m sorry but I like her so much so I can’t allow it. I can’t.”

His heart was splintering and it felt like his brain was going to burst from the confinements of his head. Having your worst fears confirmed was the tiest feeling ever, Lay decided, but was it worse than not understanding what you were feeling and why?

The mysterious feeling of watching Minji sing that song he taught her and this heartbreak he was feeling as Jongin professed his love to another, was confusing as hell. Which one was more upsetting? He couldn’t tell.

All there was to know was that he was failing his goal and Lu Han was right.

“Love is a fragile thing but it's also like fire…”

And Lay was burning.

“God, I’m so glad I can rely on you, Yixing-ah,” Minyoung gushed over the phone. Her tone had already dwindled from anger to relief, which also relieved him. What Yifan had told him about the older Gong sister had him wary and it was probably better he do something about this than her.

“Just leave it to me, Min-jie. I’ll do what I can.”

Of course, he was the one volunteering to fix the mess. To a degree, this was his fault, after all.

Being too considerate of Jongin’s feelings and giving Minji too much space had ruined his goal. So much for those ‘wrong reasons’ Lu Han warned him about, now he really was throwing caution to the wind.

Yes, this was all wrongly for him and his brother’s ambitions, for the secret greed in his heart that needed Minji’s cooperation. And he was aware, trying to sugar-coat it and say this was also for her when it wasn’t.

He was a liar and he wasn’t only lying to her but to himself. Making Minji love him wasn’t going to save her. It would destroy her. Just as it did to his mother.

Too bad, Lay wasn’t done lying.

It was just as what he had told her before.

“There’s no room for argument…”

His whisper sounded frail from his corpselike position on the floor. The furniture towered over him, but he was still too big with his problem and burdens.

“Not for me.”

“Heard your fiancé fell ill, last night. That’s why you came home late.”

Minji just returned from school when her sister actually addressed her as she passed the living room. It had her pulse quickening out of longing before she forced herself to calm. She thought back to the state she had left Lay in last night and felt her insides churn.

He vanished to his room after that incident and she had no choice but to leave. It had been hard with that look of appal on his face as he pushed her away. She hadn't stopped worrying since.

“He’s fine,” Minji tried not to think about the slight bruising of her lips, the pain and the slight anger she felt. There was only the awful feeling of worry left. “Well, I hope he is…”

Minyoung seemed to approve of her concern though her hawkish gaze lingered. Their sibling relationship was just as much in the dead water as her relationship with Lay but for some reason, Minji felt more uncomfortable under her sister’s scrutiny. Her blatant display of distrust hurt.

“Me too,” Minyoung agreed. Then added as an afterthought, “You know it’s nice to finally see you paying attention to your fiancé. It’s about time, isn’t it?”

Minyoung smiled, deceivingly sisterly and her tone, it reminded her of the time things had been supportive and sweet between them—but had that always been the case? The thought planted a lump in .

“Anyway, you’ve got practice in a couple of days, right?” Minyoung lounged on one of the sofa chairs. “How’re they going?”

Minji did not like the deliberate curl of Minyoung’s mouth and her sudden interest in her dancing. Then, it came to her.

The cameras.

That was her doing, wasn’t it? Her mother would never resort to such a dramatic idea even if it was to intimidate her, and she knew that was what those cameras meant. They were an illusion of watching her every move, but that wasn't just it. They were there for control. A reminder that her freedom had always been a farce.

To think Minyoung would shatter that mirage for her.

The hands at her sides curled into fists.

“Just fine,” Minji gritted out and then she was gone, marching towards the staircase. She couldn’t stay in Minyoung’s presence any longer, caught between wanting to hate her sister and trying to understand her actions.

It just hurt too much when she was the person she had ever trusted the most.

“Sorry, miss.” One of the receptionist told her at the front desk. “It seems Mr Zhang is not at home. You’ll have to wait.”

Thanks to Minyoung’s attitude as of late, it was easier for Minji to leave the house to pursue Lay. Even after what happened between them. It was proving to be harder though because it seemed her fiancé had caught on to her idea of showing up at his campus uninvited. So she resorted to this.

Slumping back into the plush chairs in the lobby of the hotel he stayed at, Minji cursed her luck. Perhaps her luck was finally running out as she tried to balance school, Seonu and her relationship with Jongin while trying to fix hers with Lay. With the things that had happened so far, she wouldn’t be surprised.

But, maybe not.

“Ah, Mr Lu,” She heard sometime later. “Yes, I’m afraid Mr Zhang has not yet arrived—yes, yes, of course, you’re allowed to go up. Mr Zhang has already extended his permission towards you since a while ago…”

Minji came back to life, spotting the back of a familiar male she had met at her engagement party. A rush in her veins sent her running as he stepped into the elevator. The doors were already sliding shut and desperately, she threw an arm out.

“Whoa!” The doors would’ve clamped down on her arm if it weren’t for a pair of masculine hands prying them back open. “Mèi-mei?”

At the unfamiliar address, a breathy “huh?” fell from her lips as she panted. The one inside the elevator merely smiled, his eyes twinkling like before. It really was him, she thought and she almost staggered in relief.

He coughed behind a hand. It was as if he was laughing inwardly at some inside joke. “I meant, Xiao-Min. No, wait…Yifan said I shouldn’t use that either…er, Minji?”

“Yes, Lu Han.” She fixed herself up a bit, swatting a strand from her face. “Minji is fine, though, I actually don’t mind Xiao-Min either…”

The doors began to close again, making both of them jump. Minji felt herself being pulled and before she knew it, the doors shut behind her and the elevator began to drone.

“Visiting Xing as well, huh?” The crinkles in his eyes deepened and Minji almost became shy at his tone that was a cross between teasing and being all-knowing. However, she doubted he really knew what was going on with her and Lay now.

“Yes, but he isn’t home yet. That’s why I was waiting.”

“Lucky for you, I arrived in Korea today then. You could’ve been waiting out there for god knows how long.”

She sighed akin to an agreement before hesitating.

“But, are you sure it’s okay for me to go up with you? Taking me without his knowledge—”

“Oh, c’mon. I bet Xing would be happy to see his fiancée!” He claimed happily and Minji pretended to agree.

After what happened last time? She could only dream.

Lu Han walked around the penthouse as if it was his own. He went through the cupboards in the kitchen, pulling out certain items until Minji realised he was making tea. She sat on the same seat on Lay’s bar counter and watched. He asked her if she wanted some and she nodded but didn’t expect to see a steaming cup of red he laid in front of her. She mumbled her thank