xxiii. the twenty-third step | the last act

It had been another Friday, meaning another shift at the café and it was all was going normally until Amber came over to nudge Jongin with her elbow.

“What?” He had asked, and she nodded somewhere towards the front of the café. There, he saw Minseok greeting a customer he knew all too well. Even by just looking at the back of his head.

“Why didn’t you say Lay was coming?”

Jongin could not say anything, eyeing the male who Minseok led to a spot by the front window. It was a good question because he had no idea and for some reason, this didn’t feel right either. After how they parted, why was Lay suddenly showing up at his workplace? Unless…

Finishing an order he was doing, he told Amber he’d serve their friend before making his way over.

“Hyung,” two pairs of eyes fell on him. “I can serve him.”

Contrary to the surprise on Minseok’s face, Lay looked at him with an unreadable expression. Yet it almost seemed expectant. “Kai,” he had greeted, adorning a rather empty smile.

“Oh, I see.” Minseok gave Jongin a pat. “A friend of yours? Alright, I’ll leave him to you then.”

When his boss left, a beat of awkward silence ensued before Jongin forced himself to ask what Lay had wanted. Scribbling down his order of cappuccino, he noticed the other staring through the window.

“Waiting for someone?”

“Yeah.”

They became quiet again, and Jongin should’ve left already but this visit was too sudden for him. He thought back to his speculation earlier, the idea that Lay was here to perhaps make amends with him. Maybe not anymore since he was waiting for company but Jongin wanted to chance it.

He cleared his throat. “Lay, about that night…”

“Do you remember the girl I was dating for a bit?” Lay had cut in, sounding a little too casual.

Jongin frowned but decided to play along. “Yeah?”

“It’s been going well and our parents ended up approving. Now, we’re engaged.”

Jongin felt his jaw unhinge. He closed it back up only to splutter. “What, engaged? You? Already?”

The other just chuckled. “At this age, getting acquainted with future partners when your family’s running enterprises are usually the norm.”

Of course. “Right,” Jongin finished lamely.

That was when he remembered thinking, so convenient marriages still occurred at this time? He didn’t know whether to congratulate him or not. He tightened his grip on the pad he held, unsure what to say. “Well, do you like her at least?”

Looking back now, that had been a stupid question, but really, he should've known when Lay said, “I’m pretty sure I already told you before.”

At first, it perplexed the out of him but the answer didn’t take too long to emerge and when it did, it hit him like a train at full speed; the impact shattering when he was finally given the pieces. He has told Jongin before and it was a slap to the face when he realised it, seeing Lay hold onto her hand, his eyes flickering to Jongin briefly as he said:

“You will marry me because I’m your fiancé and that’s what our parents brought us together for.”

A shaky breath left Jongin’s lips, his eyes misting over at the memory.

, it wasn’t fair because sitting right next to Lay, the one the receiving end of his declaration was none other than Minji.

And she never looked so beautiful; in her sophisticated heels and half-pinned hair that settled along her shoulders elegantly. A sight Jongin would never witness in the practice room. Sitting next to Lay, she matched him like she had been born to stand by his side. It was funny because out of all the times they spent together as three, Jongin had never noticed it; the image they flaunted together. How much of a fool he must’ve looked standing by their side.

Now Jongin understood. He should’ve never crossed the line, he should’ve never gotten ahead of himself. They were worlds apart and he wondered how he ever managed to squeeze himself into theirs—into hers. But that’s right. Everything they had was a ing lie. He never did.

His phone was ringing again and he knew it was Minji. Despite being deceived, he ached so much to hear her voice. He wanted to hate her—but he couldn’t. Not when she wormed herself so deep into his heart and he allowed it.

In the end, he kept ignoring it, going to go as far as turning it off when he remembered Minseok, the one who had to deal with the mess he left behind. He was probably going to lose his job after this.

Deep in the bouts of his frustration, Jongin was seconds away from smashing his phone when it rang again. In his fit, he answered it this time but before he could even say anything, he was interrupted.

“Where the hell are you?”

It was Krystal and because of his momentary surprise, she continued heatedly. “You idiot, you think running’s going to solve anything?”

He almost snarled into the speaker. “You don’t know what I’m going through!” Of all times she’d intervene again. “Just off, Krystal, I mean it this time—”

“Go home, Kai, before you do something you regret!”

“I just want to get away and think, is that a crime? “

“Don’t because whatever the hell it is your thinking is probably worse than the actual truth. So go home. I know I’m the last person you’d expect to hear from, but just do it.” Her voice hadn’t sounded this harsh and compelling to Jongin that he questioned if she was the same person. But in the end, it didn’t really matter.

As the line cut, he slapped a hand over his face and ground his teeth. As if it was easy as that. To just go home and forget everything. Nothing in the world was as simple anymore.

She couldn’t find him.

Not after seeing he wasn’t in the back of the counter, not after running out of the building. How could he have gotten away so fast? Then again, with his long legs and the shocking revelation he had to face, none of it boded well for Minji.

She swatted another wave of tears from her cheek, infuriated at herself for letting this go on for so long. Should she really have ignored Lay’s request and told Jongin herself? Would it have saved them from all this mess?

She just couldn’t believe Lay would do this. The way everything unfolded; it was almost as if it had all been meticulously planned from her mother’s appearance to the café that ended up being Jongin’s workplace. It was as if Lay had known about everything and wanted to make a grand spectacle out of it. The timing was ruthless. Just when she was about to come clean to the both of them.

Arriving outside Jongin’s apartment, Minji slumped against the door. It has been over an hour since her senseless wandering and not once did she catch a glimpse of him. So she ended up here, having called him many times, knocking at his door to no avail.

He was just gone, missing and it was worrying the hell out of her. Taking her phone out again, she called Amber. Maybe he returned to the café.

As soon as she picked up, Minji greeted her. “Amber—”

“What in the world was that, Minji?” her heart stopped, thinking she was hearing things but she wasn’t. It was Amber and she wasn’t pleased by the sounds of it. “Why were you with Lay? I thought you were with Kai? What’s going on?”

Minji had to slap a hand over to stifle a sob. Of course. Amber had also been there and witnessed it all.

“It’s not what you think,” she tried to reason. “It’s not, Amber. Please, just let me talk to him, if he’s with you, please—”

“Tell me what’s going on first!”

Minji understood where Amber was coming from and she should’ve expected it even, it was just she didn’t know how—to tell them, where to even begin. If she couldn’t even do it for Lay or Jongin, how could she do the same for her? Just as another sob threatened to take over, Amber’s voice began to fade from the receiver. Suddenly a different voice was speaking.

“Minji,” it was a lot calmer. “Are you okay?”

Unable to contain it anymore, she broke down. No, she wasn’t. She was wrack with guilt and heartache and all she wanted was Jongin. She needed to explain, to make him understand.

“It’s okay. We’ll find him. You’re looking for him right?” Krystal’s voice never sounded so soothing.

“I called him but he won’t answer,” she managed between the breaths. “Please, help me find him.”

To think it would be Krystal she would turn to when everyone else had turned their back on her. She thought back to their conversation during the matches and how the girl consented on their relationship despite knowing the odds. Krystal had been right. Only she could see things from Minji’s point of view.

Krystal ended the call with a promise to call him, leaving Minji to slide against the door in a heap. She told Minji to stay there and wait for him because he had to come home at some point. With this, she pulled her knees up and buried her face in her arms. The consequences lingered heavily, but right now, all Minji wanted to do was wait. Even if it took forever.

Forever did not last long. Succumbed to sleep, she wasn’t aware of the arms that would later hook under her knees. Unconsciously though, she clung to the warmth, burying her tear-stained face into the chest that cradled her head.

When she woke again, she was on a bed, with her coat and shoes missing. Whose bed would only hit her when she inhaled and she was scrambling up. Clamping down on her bottom lip, she spotted a figure hunched on a chair.

Jongin.

She would run to him if his wretched state didn’t daunt her, matching the desolate grey the apartment was drenched in, the curtains drawn, only letting snippets of light in. He looked so fragile that Minji daren’t make a move because he wasn’t just glass at this moment. He was also a ticking bomb.

“Was it worth it?” His voice was rough under his breath when it broke through the stillness. “To throw our friendship away only to know it might not even be worth it?”

Her eyes squeezed shut, anguish hot behind her lids. She could feel every inch of the torment saturating his words.

“Jongin…I,” she had to swallow down the lump growing in . “I’m—”

“—I just don’t understand!” The chair made a harsh sound as he shot up to his feet. “How I’m played into the fool again, how am I always the one in the dark, how it’s always me liking the wrong ing person!”

Knowing the truth his statement held, the past he had shared to her out of trust, Minji almost broke down right then and there.

“You think I wanted to like you back?” She found herself standing up shakily. “Even though I knew it was wrong? Do you know how easy everything would be if I hadn’t?”

He turned and that was when she finally able to see the glint in his red-rimmed eyes. Not just from unshed tears that gathered there but from a spark of newfound anger.

“So is it my fault then?” In just a few steps he was in front of her, easily looming over her stature, backing her up into the bedside table causing its edge to dig into her back. “I’m sorry, Minji. I’m sorry for pursuing you, I’m sorry for liking you, I’m sorry for not knowing you were engaged to my friend!”

Each word weighed like a brick, shattering into her fragile state of mind again and again until she was bleeding through the cracks.

“Now I get it.” A humourless chuckle fell from his lips. “Why he felt sorry for me. , I feel sorry for myself. I let you two play me. Let me think I ever had a chance—”

The fire inside her went out. There was only pain left and it was trying to claw out of in an upchuck of pleas. “No, no Jongin. That's not…”

“—thinking for a moment I was actually yours and you were mine, but no…” He took a shuddering breath, his voice quietening but still loud enough for Minji to receive its cruel sting. “You were never mine.”

He wrenched away, taking all of him with him, including the piece of her heart she never got back. It left her dropping to her knees, drowning in the roaring sound of her guilt. Wrapping her arms around herself, Minji couldn’t fight it. Not anymore.

She was an idiot; seduced by the idea of things that were never suited for a girl like her. Why didn’t she just it up, stitched her little mouth shut and not moved an inch out of line? Why did she have to try? Building her wings through the little scraps of freedom she found? Minji shouldn’t just have ing felt, because what the purpose of having feelings if she wasn’t allowed to feel? Really, she was no better than a puppet, so why? Why the hell was she even breathing—?

She sprung to her feet, numb to the stinging lines she left on her arms. No more. She can’t take it anymore. She can’t take losing him. Nothing has hurt this much in so long and she wanted nothing but to just stop it all. She staggered for the door.  

“—the are you saying?” The door closed in her face, the painted wood catching her in a harsh bump. “Questioning your own life—”

Apparently, she had been bawling this whole time, raw from stammering words of regrets and woes that he’ll never understand.

“You just don’t get it,” she cried back. “I rather die than to go back to there—to them—to what I was before I met you!”

Her hysterics bounced off the walls, a piercing cadence like a madwoman’s rambling. Minji wasn't supposed to care anymore until she turned to find Jongin overwhelmed by her harsh words. Her face instantly softened. This was never his fault. It was hers.

“You know what?” Her voice was now faint, almost reminiscent. “The first time I allowed myself to be selfish was the day I allowed myself to like you.”

A wobbly smile stretched her lips at the memory. The fluttering guilt. The mixture of joy that consumed her. It was silly crush yet it seemed like the biggest taboo. Still, the butterflies won her over and she branded his name onto her heart without a care.

Looking back now, does she regret it? No. Minji would deny it like she did at the beginning but the answer would always be there to remind her. She would do it over a hundred times and over.

“I’m sorry too, Jongin. I didn't mean to fall in love with you.”

With that, she should’ve turned away and never looked back. This was the worst thing yet she could’ve confessed out loud but Minji was weak once more. And especially to the tremble of his glassy eyes.

Selfish. She really was selfish.

That was why she closed the distance and pushed herself up on her tiptoes instead. Grabbing his shirt and kissing him like she had the right to. It would be the first they’d share on the lips since the promise she made. A promise ruined from the mishaps of today even if the conditions were now fulfilled.

The tears only spilled again when she pulled away, knowing she was unworthy but Jongin didn’t let go, grabbing her back to him and stealing her broken sorry’s and embedding them to his mouth. Their feet fell into a disjointed stagger.

“You’re so stupid,” he hissed softly in between the breaths. “Why would you—why?”

He took again, desperation mirroring her own through the wet slide of his lips, suffocating and intoxicating until she almost forgot the pain. She wallowed in it, gripping onto his jaw just as tight.

“Because it was always you,” was all she could say.

He was unrelenting but she matched his vigour. She wanted him to know how much she meant it, those three words she was shouting in her mind: I love you, I love you, I love you! She had never felt so free.

Jongin finally withdrew, tilting her up to meet his gaze, his pants caressing her lips. “Do you mean it? Do you love me?”

She clung to him tighter because even if her answer meant plunging to the seventh circle of hell, nothing would’ve stopped her from confirming it.

“I do—and I’ll do anything—anything to be with you.”

And anything it was.

It was how she found herself helping Jongin pack his clothes, not too long after. It was almost a blur amidst the drying tears in their eyes and the frantic search for his belongings, but soon enough, everything was ready. They were ready.

He planted a kiss on her lips. “Alright, let’s go.”

Locking her hands with his, he led her away f