rated S for soft moments and lay's second album sheep

xvii. the seventeenth step

"You guys seemed like you worked up a sweat," Lay noted with approval. "Were you preparing for the evaluations this month?"

Lay had dropped by with the intention of having lunch with them and that was how the three of them were now eating in a pasta restaurant nearby. Though the dancing from earlier did tire her out, Minji was not in the mood to eat.

To think it would be this soon where she had to face both of them at the same time.

"Actually, we had a match," Jongin answered truthfully, to her surprise. "Though no one won because we weren't really paying attention to that. We just kind of freestyled."

"Wow,” Lay looked impressed. “Didn't think that was possible—and no winner? Between you two and your competitiveness?"

While Jongin rolled his eyes and acted as if it weren't worth mentioning, Minji toyed with the food on her plate. Lay probably hadn't meant it but mentioning the change in her relationship with Jongin ruined her appetite even more.

As if she needed a reminder from him of all people.

"Minji?"

At the sound of her name, she put her fork down. It was only then she realised how slick the utensil became in her grip. It was as if Lay noticed as he waited for her response.

Ever the angel, he must've noticed her unease but that was not what bothered her. It was his hand on her elbow and the fact her eyes quickly flitted to Jongin out of panic.

When she caught her mistake—seeing the Jongin get served from the waiter—she scolded herself. Ridiculous. Lay had a right to do this and Jongin wouldn't even have a say on it.

"I'm sorry, I guess I am a little worn out,” came her forced response.

Lay dropped it, or rather he was forced to as Jongin reeled him back into the conversation. She indulged in the diversion.

Eventually, their tryst ended with full stomachs and Jongin hurried to leave first. He had work. Saying his farewells, Minji pretended she did not see his lingering gaze.

It was only after she and Lay were left at the table, did Minji detected something odd in the atmosphere. She couldn’t put her finger on it; just that it was to do with Lay and the way he stared off into the distance when they should've been leaving as well.

"Yixing? Are you…is there anything wrong?"

The sound of her voice seemed to bring him out of his trance. He returned to his drink.

"I’m fine, but really, I should be asking you that, shouldn't I?"

Thinking back on the party and their last conversation over the phone, Minji understood.

"I'm fine, so don't worry anymore."

She heard the ice clink around in his glass. Usually, he'd be jumping to reassure her as he usually did but it seemed he was deep in his thoughts again. She wondered if he even heard her.

"Minji," he suddenly called. Seeing the way his brows scrunched together, she looked at him with slight apprehension. "Do you think this will change us? The engagement, our relationship."

Minji blinked, not expecting what he brought up, but it made sense. The fact they had just been formally engaged meant many things. She watched her hands curl in her lap.

"What were we even?" she sighed. "I never got to find out before this was forced on us. We were getting there."

When he didn’t say anything, she looked up again to see him still staring at the glass in his hand.

"How about now? We're still friends right?"

Minji seized the opportunity to be as honest as possible. He deserved that at least.

"Of course. You’ve been helpful from the very start. I know I was angry at first but now, I’m just really grateful.”

She hoped to reassure him with the truth of what she felt, of how indebted she was to him. She also hoped to make him raise his head and smile. He didn't.

"I'm glad to hear that," he said instead. "I really am."

Minji was dismayed to find what looked like a grimace instead of a dimple. Unconsciously, she was already reaching out to him when he opened his mouth once more.

"Whatever we have, I can't guarantee it'll stay forever.” He rose from his seat. “I just want you to know that I only want the best for you."

The feelings he stirred from such a vague statement kept Minji on her seat. She didn’t like it. She didn’t like it all.

Lay laid the bill on the table, signalling the end of the conversation and this meeting altogether. The sight of his retreating form was all she needed to go after him. She noticed the car that pulled up in front of the restaurant. His chauffeur.

"Yixing?"

She winced at the uncertain squeak of her voice but she couldn’t help it when he was being strange. Her gaze fell to the ground until a weight landed on her shoulder. A gentle squeeze followed.

It was his hand, intended to be comforting but it wasn't enough. Why was he being distant? This wasn't the Lay she grew to trust and especially not the Xiao-Jia she was trying to remember. He really wasn't fine, was he?

She sought his eyes, but he was intent on avoiding her. Maybe that was what prompted her to pull at his sleeve to take his hand away.

"You could rely on me too, you know." She pulled his hand into both of her own. "We're in this together, aren't we?"

"I have a favour to ask of you, Minji."

His digression was sudden, puzzling her even more but not as much as that expression on his face. To her, he looked as immaculate as ever but it didnt look right—not with the smile that has been missing from his face since they started talking. Not with the way he doggedly avoided her gaze.

“—please, don’t tell Kai. Don’t tell anyone yet who doesn’t have to know.”

Minji dropped his hand but it didn’t seem like Lay noticed as he finally looked at her. That was when she was finally able to see his eyes, dimly-lit that it matched the frail smile on his lips.

"Until the right time, I want to be the one to do it."

"Ah, the weather's nice today isn't it?" Bom mused out loud.

As if on cue, a gentle breeze tousled their hair. The clouds were less gloomy and a pinch of sunshine was able to filter through in tiny little rays. The ample warmth it provided was enough to make anyone smile after days of grey, but Minji couldn't appreciate it. Not with the thoughts that harassed her brain.

What Lay told her wasn't easy to digest.

Whatever reasons he had, she knew she just had to respect it. After all, she remembered she wasn't the only one who had the responsibility of telling. So did he and he was close to Jongin. It was just he just didn't know. The price of her silence; it was her conscience.

"Minji?" Her eyes snapped to Bom, who was looking at her worriedly. She apologised sheepishly.

The two of them were strolling along the river. After her class today, Bom had come to pick her up and took her to Han River Park. Minji didn't expect it but welcomed the gesture. It was a nice get-away from everything.

Bom sighed. "It must've been hard lately, huh?"

Minji could only sigh, causing Bom to link arms with her. She snuggled against Minji like a needy kitten. It prompted a smile from her.

A comfortable silence overcame them as they continued their walk. Jamsil Bridge came into their view and Bom halted, Minji along with her. The sudden stop roused the girl to look at the woman who stared at the infrastructure ahead.

A sigh. "Minji." A grim expression cast over Bom features. "Minyoung hasn't been home, has she?"

Remembering that little detail she had been trying to ignore, she felt a twinge of pain. “No.”

Several days later after the party, Minji didn't think it would Minyoung who would start disappearing from the face off the earth. Staying god knows where, she had only received messages from the woman telling her not to worry. But how could she not?

It was just like those days all over again when Minyoung rarely came home. She feared her sister would never return, and that was all because of the same thing Minji was going through now.

"Unni," Minji mumbled. "Do you remember the time when Minyoung was also to be engaged?"

If she wasn’t immersed in the memories, she would’ve questioned the way Bom turned rigid at the question.

“Yeah. They were pretty tough times.”

They were, and not only for Minyoung but also for Minji. That was why she hadn't known what happened to it. All she knew was that her sister opposed it and then, she stopped talking about it. She and her parents never mentioned it again.

"Unni was rarely home and stayed at the condo instead." Her heart ached at the memories. "She even stopped coming to my treatments."

Bom let go of her. A pair of soft hands took hold of her own. "Oh, Mingkki. You know, I still have Sandara's number. I'm sure if you want, we can continue those sessions," Bom offered as she turned the girl to face her.

Minji remembered Dr Park to be as kind as she was beautiful but she shook her head. "Minyoung-unni said that too but I already have too much on my plate at the moment."

Bom tightened her grip. "Right. The engagement. Well, I think Zhang Yixing is a nice guy. I saw how he took care of you during the party.”

Minji averted her eyes. She knew that more than anyone and that was what made it worst. Unable to say anything, she nodded but Bom persisted.

"Don't you like him?"

It didn't matter who asked her this, Minji's answer would be an immediate yes. She liked Lay, a lot, but was it enough to marry him without another thought? To submit to a life with him that will forever be under the scrutiny of their respective families and their expectations? It sounded no different to what she was living now.

"You're lucky, unni," Minji said instead. "You're allowed to be with who you want."

Bom's eyes widened slowly. "Do you like someone else?"

She froze. That wasn't what she meant but a certain face appeared in her mind and suddenly, it was almost hard to breathe.

"W-what do you mean?" Minji untangled herself from her. She walked away first but heard Bom's heels not too far behind. She felt faint.

"—Minji, if you do then I'm glad!"

She stuttered into a halt just as another breeze whisked past them and blew her hair across her face. Turning around, she found Bom who caught up with her. Her eyes were firm.

"With a life like ours, you deserve the freedom to at least like someone." Minji felt a tug in her chest. "Don't condemn yourself. You may be engaged, but you're also human. Please. Live a little."

Minji said nothing. She could say nothing. She just felt, and it caused her to fall into Bom's open arms.

Bom gave her another gift to match the previous one. Before her car sped off, Bom had said, "I hope you'll find a use for it, Minji. And if you don't, then you're really not living enough!"

Knowing the adventures Bom and her sister had been up to for years now, Minji had a gist of what she meant but of course, she hesitated. Minji wasn't like Minyoung, nor was she like Bom. They were brave and had an appetite for thrills and living their life to the fullest, while Minji succumbed to her parents. That was how it has always been.

But bearing such pressures, she came to understand why they needed a release. School as a distraction wasn't enough anymore. She needed something else.

That was why she was here tonight.

Jongin must’ve stared at her for the longest time when he had opened the door, absorbing every inch of her standing outside his apartment with a bag in her arms. Uninvited yet again, he said nothing as he reluctantly let her in and Minji was just as quiet.

Nervousness consumed her and when a certain part of her conversation with Bom came to her head, she shook it off. That's not why she came.

She heard Jongin move behind her and Minji seized the moment. Whirling around, she came face to face with him and stopped still. His breath on her lips made her shudder. Seeing his lids begin to fall, Minji knew what he must be thinking and she was right as his hands began to reach for her.

"Jongin." He furrowed his brows the moment she stepped away from him, and now he was looking at her with confusion all over his face. She couldn't blame him. "Can you please take me to the street dance match today?"

He blinked at her. "What?"

"Amber." Minji tightened the bag in her arms. "She invited me but I don't know how to get there so I was thinking maybe we could go again—”

"I wasn't even thinking of going, and you want to?"

The tone he used only made her more conscious but she needed this. If she wasn't so determined, she would've never come back to his apartment.

"Yes." She swallowed. "I want to." She recalled Bom's words and how they resonated within her and embedded itself into her heart. “I want to live…”

Jongin's features evened out. His silence intensified the pounding in her ears that she had half the mind to retract her words and flee, but he just reached past her. Leather whisked past her nose and she recognised the jacket he pulled on.

He grabbed his wallet and phone. “Let’s go.”

At this point, Jongin had come to accept Minji's random appearances at his door.

It wasn't as if he was complaining. He just didn’t understand why his pulse spiked and his breath became a little shorter at the sight of her. He never thought of the day he'd act differently to the dislike he harboured for her.

Then there was the way he surrendered into her demands again, but that heartfelt declaration also got him. Should have he been surprised to hear her want to ‘live’? No, he understood immediately. After all, wasn't he on a mission to coax her out?

As they rode on the subway, he spotted the gift bag Minji had been carrying. He recognised it. It was the same one she had with her last time.

"What's in the bag?"

He swore her cheeks coloured.

"Clothes," she tried to reply casually. "I'll change into them later."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "What's wrong with what you're wearing now?"

Minji looked down at the coat she had on. It was casual enough though cashmere and golden buttons weren’t exactly typical in their destination.

"I want to fit in," she said, causing him to raise a brow at her.

"Last time wasn't your fault," He told her, "I invited you out of nowhere and so we went with what you had. It's not like everyone was looking at you."

That was a lie. She stuck out like a sore thumb with her dressy attire. When she didn’t respond and gave him a look, he shifted his eyes away. She totally didn’t believe him.

When they arrived at the same venue, they found his friends almost instantly. Taemin looked ecstatic at his appearance though he seemed a tad curious. Probably because he had to text the guy last minute, and he ended up arriving with Minji.

Greeting the guy and barely sparing Krystal a glance (he was not over their last conversation), he saw Amber sweep Minji int