hey guys! this is a long overdue fic request from churroseventeen! this is gonna be a bit different from normal, and it is written in Jin's POV. It also happens to be angst, so yeah, read at your own risk !! but anyway, happy reading!

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Sometimes in life, you get your heart broken. And it’s okay. It’s normal. And it’s okay to be upset, to be devastated. And it’s also okay to pick yourself back up right after. But sometimes, you just can’t. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, or how you’ve tried. There are heartbreaks that you just can’t get over. You constantly get a sinking feeling whenever you try to look in the mirror and see something positive. You always watch romantic movies and cry to yourself because you think you can’t have that. You back out at the last moment whenever someone new is interested. You can’t seem to bring yourself to get over it. And those types of heartbreaks are the worst. You doubt everything, you can never look at things the same way. You feel like a sunken ship, destroyed beyond repair. And you don’t know how to fix it.

I’ve had one of those heartbreaks. It is the worst feeling, especially when you see him again after years, seeing him so normal, as if the knowledge of what he did to you doesn’t matter at all. And you stop yourself and tell yourself that it’s not right, you can’t blame him, he has his own choices. And you try so hard to get over it and to look past everything and just be normal again. But you just can’t.

Kim Namjoon was the man I thought was the love of my life. My soulmate, my partner in crime, the one who would stay with me forever. But then he ripped my heart out and stomped on it until there was nothing left but an empty void.

I still remember that day vividly. It had been nearing our three year anniversary. Everything seemed normal, and happy. We were still very much in love, at least I had thought so at the time. He was still clingy and disgustingly fluffy like always. Nothing was out of the ordinary. Except for one thing. Namjoon had begun to stay late a lot at work. Normally, it wouldn’t have bothered me much that he was staying overtime at work, and so I didn’t think much of it. But as time progressed, it got excessive. He would begin to have ridiculous excuses for staying out late, or just not coming home at all. I had brought it up once, but it had garnered such an outraged reaction, that I hadn’t tried to bring it up at all after that. I kept my mouth shut as he kept drifting from me. I tried to not let it bother me, and went on with my business as normal. After all, it was nearing our three year anniversary, right? He must have had something planned, right?

I was wrong. On the day of our actual anniversary, he hadn’t even bothered to come home. I still remember sitting alone at the dinner table, with my homemade cake, wondering when he would come back from work, only to be disappointed when he didn’t come home at all. He hadn’t even given a text or anything, and I was just left exhausted from bottling everything up.

On one particularly chilly winter evening, I had decided to bring dinner over to him at his workplace, since it seemed as if he was going to be staying later again. I almost wish I hadn’t gone. If I hadn’t gone, I would never had found out that he had already left hours ago, and everyone thought he had already gone home. But he hadn’t. So where did he go?

The next day, I decided to go to his workplace again, at the usual time he left work. This time, I hid. It felt wrong to be spying on him like this, but I had to know. I saw him exit the building and get into his car. So far, so normal. I trailed him in my own car, always a few streets behind. The roads he took began to feel unfamiliar. This certainly wasn’t the way home.

After a few minutes of driving, we had arrived at some obscure cafe downtown. What was he doing?

My question was answered a few seconds later, as he got out of the car and immediately went inside. I couldn’t quite see what was going on inside the cafe, so I went in after him. I spotted him easily and sat at a seat where he couldn’t see me but I could see him. He was just sitting alone, sipping a coffee, and I wondered again why he was there.

After a few minutes of waiting around, another person walked into the cafe. It was a slender man, with creamy skin and pink lips. My eyes were drawn to him, almost as if on instinct. There was something mesmerizing about him somehow. I continued to watch him as he looked around when he suddenly made an expression of joy. He headed over to the exact table Namjoon was sitting at. Namjoon stood up and, with the biggest smile he had had in a few months as far as I knew, he embraced the mesmerizing man and gave him a passionate kiss.

My mind took a few moments to register what had happened and, when it did, my vision started to blur. Tears filled my eyes and I didn’t know what to do. On one hand I wanted to go over and slap him and pull them apart, but on the other hand, I wanted to run and forget I ever saw this, to try and pretend everything was still normal. But I couldn’t bring myself to do either, so I just sat at the table as I watched the love of my life with someone else, tears dripping down my face. My heart deflated and I just couldn’t feel at that moment. Suddenly, Namjoon glanced at my direction. I jumped a little and covered my face. But it was too late. He had already seen me. But he didn’t do anything about it. He just let me see everything. He had finally stopped hiding things from me, but this was the cost. I could feel my heart shattering to pieces and before it could get any worse, I decided to get out of there.

I left the cafe and went home, to try and clear my mind. I arrived home and just curled into a ball on the couch. I was too tired to drag myself to bed. Namjoon didn’t come home that day either.

The next and last time he came home, it was to get his belongings. I didn’t try to stop him, but I had to ask one question before he left.

“Why?”

He started to explain in along spiral of words and metaphors, as he tended to do, but all my ears caught were “tired”, “it was time to start something new”, “boring”, “you weren’t the one”, “you weren’t enough”, and “sorry”.

And he left like that. I was never the same after that. The wounds were too deep. I couldn’t bring myself to eat or shower or anything for months after that.

After almost a year of this moping around, one of my close friends, Jimin, decided enough was enough, and forced me to start taking care of myself. He dragged me outside, made sure I ate, bathed, and got fresh air regularly. And I am eternally grateful for him. He helped me start healing.

It’s been a few years since then, and the wound still hasn’t completely closed, but I’m still working on it.

That’s what I told myself, but today, I saw him again. It hurt more than I had expected, as if the wound was still fresh. I thought I had healed enough to be able to face him with no problem, but I was wrong.

It had been out of nowhere. I was just at a cafe for lunch like normal, when I looked up and he suddenly sat in front of me.

“Hey.”

I couldn’t believe it. He had the nerve to casually greet me like this, as if nothing happened at all? As if he hadn’t broken me, ruined my life for years? I began to pack my things and made a move to leave, but he stopped me.

“What do you want from me?”

I tried to be as cold as possible, but a part of me was still weak. He said he wanted to fix things, and he was sorry, he missed me. I knew it was all a lie, but I couldn’t help but let a small part of myself want to believe him.

Nevertheless, I pulled myself away. I couldn’t go through that again. The pain, the sleepless nights, the self-doubt. It had been unbearable and I didn’t want to experience it ever again.

It was the worst feeling, pulling myself away from him, from what my heart still longed for even after all he put me through. I still don’t know how to get over it, but I try everyday, in hopes of not having to feel that awful feeling of not being good enough again, and in hopes of being normal again.

That’s all I ever wanted. To be normal again.

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hey everyone! this was really overdue, i am so sorry churroseventeen :C it's been exactly five months since you've requested this and I've just now finished this D: things are calming down a little for me in life, but it might get hectic again, so i may not write for a while again like last time (xd) BUT ITS ONLY A MAYBE SO I WILL PROBABLY WRITE ANYWAY. also (annoying self promo here) i've also written another exo oneshot if you guys like exo and angst you can feel free to check that out but you don't have to. anyways thank you for reading, comments are appreciated and i hope you all have a lovely day!

-Chrystiemallow