I took a week or so for the household to take in and absorb the news and the overall situation. It took 2 weeks for Suga to get his leader to talk to him again and another week before Rap Monster had calmed down. Thankfully, in the end, he decided that he loved Suga enough that he was willing to stay with Suga even if the child was his.

 

The only hurdle we still had to overcome was the hate mail we were getting from some of the fans. To be honest it was only a very minimal amount of negativity we were receiving which is more than we could have hoped for considering our situation. But I still hurt inside every time I read what they wrote, not for me but I felt pain for Junhyung, Suga and Mark who may become a father but may not, who if they were the father would have to adjust to the role whether they were ready or not. I felt pain for my brothers and sisters who had to cope with the problems that arose from their association with me and my scandal. I felt pain for Rap Monster who had to cope with the fact that his boyfriend could be the father of someone else’s baby. I felt pain for the rest of BEAST and Girls Generation who were getting the negative comments purely through their association with us.

 

It had been just over a month since everyone had found out about the baby situation. I was now 5 months pregnant and my bump was at the stage where you could tell that I was pregnant and not just fat. I went for a nap on my bed and Junhyung had come up with me to read. I drifted off after a while.

 

Later I was woken up by a pain in my stomach. I jolted up and moved my hand to my bump. I immediately noticed something else – blood. The crotch of my jeans had blood on them. Oh no. I needed to get to the hospital, what if I was losing my baby?

 

“Junhyung” I shook him awake from where he had fallen asleep, next to me, reading. He blinked a few times, trying to focus his eyes. When they were focused he could clearly see the fear and worry in my expression. He immediately looked down to my stomach and legs and caught up with what was going on. He picked me up and then he began to carry me to the garage to get a car.

 

“Come on, we are going to the hospital. It will be okay” Junhyung tried to reassure but this time not even he could stop my fear.

 

I was rushed straight into a room at the hospital and was seen immediately by a doctor. The last thing I remember was been given and injection and then it all went black.

I woke up with Junhyung, asleep with his head on the side of my bed, holding my hand. I left him to sleep while I tried to clear my head and figure out what was going on. I was sore and felt pain in my lower stomach. Maybe 10 minutes later the doctor walked in and woke up Junhyung. Then I remembered and filled with panic.

 

“Shhh, calm down or I will have to give you another sedative. You will mess up your stitches if you move too much. I will explain what has happened now” the doctor told me and then looked to Junhyung. I forced myself to calm down. Junhyung squeezed my hand and tried to comfort me.

 

“Is everything okay?” Junhyung asked worried. The doctor sighed.

 

“I regret to inform you that one of the babies has died. That particular baby’s placenta detached and sadly couldn’t be saved. We operated and removed the deceased baby. Arrangements have been made for a funeral for her. I am so sorry for your loss. The other baby is perfectly healthy though which is good news” The doctor said. I broke down into tears, I had lost a baby. I must have done something wrong or maybe I wasn’t careful enough. Then it hit me – I realised what he had said ‘one of’ and ‘the other’

 

“Wait, there were 2 babies?” I asked, moving my hand to my bump.

 

“Yes, twins” the doctor replied.

 

I thanked the doctor and he said that I could be discharged the next day. He left and then Junhyung and I sat quietly for a while, just thinking things over.

 

“I’ll never get to hold her. If I had just been more careful then she could have been with us” I sobbed into Junhyung’s shoulder. He grabbed my face between his hands and made me look at him.

 

“Listen to me. This is not your fault. This is no one’s fault. The doctor said that this is just one of those things that happens sometimes, no one knows why. Now calm down please or you will stress yourself and the other baby out” Junhyung said to me firmly.  I nodded, he was right what good would it do if I just kept dwelling on it. He nodded back and pulled me back into his chest. “I called Mark while you were sleeping. He and Suga are going to down. They know the circumstance and that one of them may have lost their child. They should be here soon”

 

So with that we waited for them to arrive.