A while.

A while since my phone last beeped with a message.

A while since I held his warm hand felt his irregular heartbeats.

A long while enough to make me feel shattered, incomplete.

A long while that felt longer than reality, flames leaving new trails of burnt skin on me with every passing day.

Every sleepless night.

Every Kailess day that made me want to hold him even more, love him more, tell him more of the truth.

It wasn’t like I didn’t apologize.

If the notes I left in his locker, the times I waited in front of his class running towards the door with all the strength left in my weak and tired body, countless messages I sent him, my unanswered calls and ignored voicemails do count, yes, in fact, I did apologize.

And the more he ignored, the more he stared at me when he thought I wasn’t looking, the more he declined to listen me, looking at my eyes as hurtful as he could, the more his hatred melted, the more his pain faded, the more he forgave me, I knew.

But he was stubborn.

And to tell the truth, there were times I was thankful he ignored me. The notion that maybe, maybe if he listened me explaining he would realize that I, in fact, didn’t, he would run a thousand miles away from me, promising to never come back.

The mere thought of letting him into the very roots of my way of thinking, perception of life and idea of happiness made me shiver.

No one ever saw them.

No one ever heard.

No one ever looked around with my glasses.

And behind every single excuse of mine, laid the pure worry of us growing apart with him seeing the unadulterated me.

Not again, I didn’t want.

*

I was turning the pages of the Classic novel our Literature teacher made us read.

I didn’t understand a thing.

Yes, the language used was way advanced from the level I stood.

Yes, there were a couple unknown words for me, here and there.

Yet it wasn’t fully about the book.

My brain was not playing the fault game on me, I wasn’t down, and I wasn’t emotionally wrecked.

I just had a lot of questions.

Where do we stand?

Does he want to take me back?

If he talks to me, can I tell him everything this time?

Is this my last chance, or did I lose it already?

What do I do now?

Why can’t I focus on my studies as much anymore?

Would dad approve my behavior?

Does he even love me?

We have been saying the word love constantly to each other, for a month and a half, and I truly felt it, even though I miserably failed at showing it. But what if, What if he thought of the strong sense of attraction, admire, and like between us as love, when it wasn’t for him? Maybe he was just too thirsty for lov