Cold, so cold! I´m freezing! Whose stupid idea it was to leave the warm house and rather sit here in this cold place on Christmas day even? Well, of course it was my idea. Good job, Lee Hyukjae. Why in the hell would I visit Jeju in winter?!

It´s alright, laugh at me all you want. I too am pretty close to laughing it off already. That´s what you get from trying to escape the reality. Why are you looking at me like that? You didn´t think I disappeared into the mirror too, did you? But that´s not possible, especially since I don´t even know how to. Nope, the real thing is way simpler than you could think.

My plan was to fool Donghae and I myself can´t believe it worked. If he wasn´t panicking so badly and judged the situation calmly, I would come out like the biggest idiot. Because just before Donghae broke into the room I hid there so well, that he thought I had disappeared. No one but a man who came from the mirror would believe that I jumped into the ancient furniture. I did jump but I used the sturdy mirror only as a step to climb up on the huge wooden wardrobe. I squeezed myself further to the wall so someone as short as Donghae had no chance to see me there.

Stupid? Maybe. Childish? Definitely. But at that moment I felt that it was necessary for me to do something radical. When Donghae couldn´t find me anywhere, not even after he looked out of the window, his attention went to the huge mirror. He kneeled in front of it and put his palms on the cold surface. He began crying and calling for me and for a second I was ready to jump down from the wardrobe and tell him I was fine. But I fought that urge back and waited for him to fall asleep so I could step down and leave the place quietly.

He collapsed from exhaustion which broke my heart but I had to do this. If I don´t leave now, he will have to suffer because of my indecisiveness and depression. I know I would take it out on him and he didn´t deserve any more suffering after those twenty agonizing years he passed locked in the cold prison. Who I was to lead his life? All I could do was to take care of mine. And I hope to return stronger.

I spent the three last days before Christmas in my hotel room. First I rented a car and took a ride around the island but it wasn´t as much fun as I hoped it to be. I even put on the music loud and sang with all my heart but always in the middle of the song I would stop singing and my thoughts would fly away from the music and to the man that was sitting abandoned in my apartment.

Was he lonely? Missing me? I kept asking those questions to myself. Of course he was, that was certain, I knew it for sure that Donghae was waiting there, maybe listening to carols and holding my little dog. I was also missing Donghae but I refused to return until I sort out my feelings and thoughts.

Later in the afternoon on the Christmas eve I was standing on one of the most beautiful beaches in the country but hell I chose the wrong time. The worst I must say. The cold wind was blowing into my face and the cold drizzle mixed with sand was attacking my single lidded eyes. I buried my nose into my new winter jacket and whined.

Since my plan was a little spontaneous, I wasn´t prepared well. I couldn´t take any stuff with me because Donghae would know that I didn´t fall into the mirror or I could wake him up with the packing. I hesitated a lot in the doorway but in the end I decided to take my old sneakers that Donghae probably had no idea I own. I also took my phone with me but didn´t forget to block Donghae´s number. That was all. I patted Choco´s head and closed the door of the apartment that wasn´t even mine behind me. Then I went to the airport where I bought the ticket to Jeju-do. I bought myself a winter jacket and shoes, also a few other necessities including a cup of ramyeon. I paid it all with my phone because I knew that Donghae was still at loss when it came to the technology and wouldn´t have thought that escaping only with a phone could make one run this far.

But now when I´m so far, I want to get close again. I told you I was indecisive, didn´t I? Yeah, I´m like that. What do I want exactly? No one´s bothering me here so I can be honest with myself now. What exactly do I want? Do I want to keep clubbing? No, that´s not it. I´m a little old for that already, to roam around the bars like a teenager. So do I want to settle down with a wife and kids? That´s not it either. I don´t want to live my life in a stereotype, bounded and working to nowhere. It seems like a nice picture but I might not be the type after all. I could fall into this exact desperation and make my wife suffer. And about children? It´s not like I don´t like kids but it seems more like my parents´ dream than mine.

Fine, now I know what I don´t want but what do I want then? Maybe, could it be? Paris, London, Switzerland, Greece, Hawaii, Turkey, New York, San Francisco, Germany, Prague, Rome, Egypt, Bangkok, Malaysia, Indonesia, Hanoi, Osaka, Tokyo, Hokkaido, Australia, Guangzhou, Beijing, Hong Kong, Vladivostok and Jeju.

Yes. Yes! YES!

That was it! That was my dream! How could I have forgotten? Isn´t that the exact reason I applied to work for Kim Heechul? I travelled so much at first so why did I stop? Why did I rather choose to do the paperwork instead? I gave up on things that were making me happy for some impossible reason. To live from day to day? To attend Seoul parties or I simply didn´t want to leave Choco in someone else´s care? Why would I do such a hurtful thing to myself and for what reason?

Tears came sliding down my cheeks and the cruel wind immediately took a hold of them making my eyes sting. But I didn´t care anymore because I now knew what I wanted. What I needed and what was making me genuinely happy and alive. I had to hurry back!

I turned around and rushed back to the hotel to collect my few things. I wasn´t going to lose any more time and on the way to my room I already began looking for the fastest flight back to Seoul. I was in a hurry! In less than five hours the Christmas would be over. I had to be fast or else I could destroy someone else´s day. I wasn´t as heartless as to cancel Donghae´s first Christmas after twenty years.

In two hours I was sitting on the plane nervously tapping my fingers against the seat. The lady next to me was slightly irritated but looking into my nervous face, she opted to rather stay quiet. She understood that the young man next to her is on the way to do something. What it was, she couldn´t have known but when the plane landed and I was hurriedly unfastening my seat belt, she caught my sleeve. I turned to her surprised and she used that moment to push a small pack of Christmas styled candies into my hand.

“Merry Christmas and good luck,” she smiled at me and I nodded with determination.