seventeen

I am sick. So sick.

I was diagnosed with Takotsubo cardiomyopathy. According to wikipedia, it is a type of non-ischaemic cardiomyopathy in which there is a sudden temporary weakening of the myocardium. Because this weakening can be triggered by emotional stress, such as the death of a loved one, a break-up, or constant anxiety,

it is also known as broken-heart syndrome.

Says here too that it is a well-recognized cause of acute heart failure, lethal ventricular arrhythmias, and ventricular rupture.

Oh my god, I must be dying soon.

That is the sole reason why I'm lying here on my stomach on my couch with dirty white undershirt and ed ped black pants for who knows how many days already. No one really keeps up the time on situations like this. Empty beer bottles and cans rolled on the table, some over the floor and empty buckets of ordered fried chicken were littered around, boxes of pizza tucked under everywhere. I don't even know where in the hell did my phone's battery died.

My flat's a mess. My head's heavy and my chest is ing aching.

My bed?

Is a ty place that I can't stand to visit. It still has the scent that causes my memories to stir and my stomach to knot.

No one cares about me anyway. No one bothers and no one misses.

Like I care.

They could all like get their asses ed and I won't even spare a thought.

But not him.

Just not him.

He could like at least care... even a bit about me.

. Someone smash the annoyingly noisy damn guy banging my door right now. It's been going on and on for how many minutes already?! Can't that doorbanger take the cue already that I don't plan on taking visitors?! Hell does he even know if I'm here or still alive here. 

And I don't even care. Go get tired of banging my door but I will not get my up here to answer.

With that I close my eyes to get back to sleep.

But the doorbanger goes ringing my doorbell at the same time. And I can hear him shouting.

Argh, so trouble-ing-some.

I force to peel myself away from the couch. Walking towards the door, barely dragging my feet. Whoever that doorbanger is, he'll get a piece of what he's asking. I partly opened the door without bothering to look at the electronic screen.

And I am faced with my cousin and my brother. Their utterly shocked faces are Instragram worthy.

"Dude we got the wrong door!" My hyung said in an overexcited tone, obviously trolling, to my cousin while elbowing the latter's ribs but still looking at me with his lips trying so hard to suppress a smile but still damn failed; and if that isn't giving a clue already, well his totally oh--this-is-so-interesting-why-didn't-I-come-see-the-show-sooner eyes gave it away.

"Sorry, wrong door." Junmyeon-hyung said. Smiling.

And I don't want to deal with ers right now.

"Okay." I managed to answer back and proceed to close the door but Jongdae-hyung stopped it with his palm.

. I'm not imagining this. Hyung is really here. Really? After being so long gone? So when an episode like this happens, he'll be running his here to watch? Wow. Talk about desperate to find some other things hilarious.

"Oops... we were just kidding!" He says with that joker smile. The bastard, I can tell he is enjoying what he's seeing, even his eyes are smiling.

He passed through me so casually that I made space for him to go through, Junmyeon-hyung followed behind. 

If you're wondering, I'll say yeah. Kim Jongdae is my hyung. Sadly it's true. And if you're asking, I'll answer yes. He is the same Kim Jongdae aka Chen. The highest paid musical actor of the year. The most popular man in his industry. Yes. So popular that even his own relatives can't catch him at all times; take the previous chapters as reference of his MIA tendencies. But for an unknown reason he's here in my room.

Sighing, I watch them take in the scene of my place.

"Oh , what happened to this room?!"

"Jongin-ah, are you okay?"

"What hurts you baby?"

"Ohmygod, you looked like you haven't slept in ages!"

"Let's talk about this."

"How bad is the situation? Tell me, we'll fix this."

Both of them bombarded me with questions as if they're truly concern. But the looks on their faces show the otherwise. They were smiling while talking to me. And if they just didn't sense that laughing at me this moment would be really rude, they would. They were gesturing extravagantly. They sounded so high. They were just simply intrigued by this so new episode of me that they just need to dig deeper.

I sigh once again.

Like I said, I don't want to deal with ers right now.

And I mean it.

Shrugging, I walk back to my couch and land myself on it, stomach first.

Just as I was about to close my eyes to sleep, I felt some heavy weight behind, my eyes snap wide open and I turn slightly to Jongdae-hyung who's sitting on my lower back.

"I said, let's talk about it and we'll fix this." He said. All humor gone. Only left with seriousness and familiarity.

Growling, I sit up next to him, elbows on my knees, I ask what he wants to know without looking at him.

Why would he even care now?

Besides, now that I think about it, it's his entire fault anyway that I'm in this very state right now.

If only he didn't run away and had gone missing when father's company needs a new CEO, then I wouldn’t be needed to be forced to go there instead.

Then I won't have a chance to meet him.

And I won't have the opportunity to know him.

If it's my hyung who came that day as the CEO and not me, would it also turn out that way?

I mean, would hyung also end up knowing him the way I had known him?

I lift my head to look at my hyung and he turns to me and begins to grin.

Yeah right. This maniac will definitely do him the same. Or even more.

. I don't want to even think about it. This er is worse than me. While hyung looks so pretty for he got his looks from our mom, having a touch of feminine and softness; and I got my looks straight from our dad, he is seriously the one who inherited all the bad- attitude from both sides and you don't really want to know about this.

Knowing I can't do anything about these two bastards, I began telling them my story. Every setting from the very first time I met Kyungsoo, every emotion, every memories, the fun, sad, exciting, scary, uncomfortable, warm, parts, not leaving a tiny bit of information, oh well, except for all the make-out scenes, it's given and yet very private.

"You. Are. An. Idiot." Junmyeon-hyung said soon as I finished telling them.

Leaning back further, Jongdae-hyung adds, "I can't believe my very own one and only biological brother is a moron."

I was speechless.

Who are these people?

No, they can't be called 'people'. No human acts like them.

Their own blood and flesh just got poured out his one and only heart-break story and all they did was to call me an idiot and a moron?!

OH MY GOD.

"I'm not putting up with this ." I said and about to stand up and lead them out of my door when Jongdae-hyung said,

"We are not putting up with this ."

"Look, did you actually properly say it in words that you love him?" Jongdae-hyung asked.

I frowned at that, Junmyeon-hyung scowled at me.

"Obviously not. Because he is so dumb to even think of that. Let me tell you, Kyungsoo is very sensitive regarding those matters. He has... issues, I don't know but he isn't the type to open up to someone completely, in fact, he never opens up to anyone. He shuts people down. He only has his very close friends within his reach and he is very careful with that to the point that he never lets any possibility of messing that up, which is why he never let me crossed a line, not even once, when we turned to be friends. And you Jongin, the fact that he showed you a lot about himself, giving you a part of him, opening himself to you, indicates that you mean so much to him. Go figure, ing ."

Hyung's words are a lot to take in. It confuses me.

I mean, I practically shoved it to Kyungsoo's face how much I adore him, every single day, every ing time. I give a lot to him in return to show how much he means to me. I told him my story, I'd-rather-die things that I told no one, and yet I told him; there is no way he didn't know that I love him.

It's true it started out of curiosity, but then I fell hard. I didn't expect it too but there is no reason not to. And I made sure I had him felt it everytime I made love to him.  

But I wonder why he still can't see it... just how important it is that I voice it out? Those words...

"Why, Jongin don't you love him enough that you can't really say it to him? Perhaps that's the case..." Jongdae-hyung asked.

"No! I told you I--- oh !"

"That's right."

"I ed up."

"Totally."

"But I... he... he was hugging Chanyeol... I saw him... it was... between them, something..."

"Did Kyungsoo told you something about it?"

"No..."

"That's because you didn't ask! You didn't confront him about it!" Junmyeon’s voice is starting to rise.

"What for? To torture myself more when I hear him say he has chosen that bastard instead?!"

"This is why you are an idiot! Kyungsoo, he... he was in pain that time...."

"Eh? In pain... what do you mean?"

Junmyeon-hyung sighs. "I guess it's better if you talk to Chanyeol about this instead."

I made sure to arrive earlier at the cafe but when I got there, I saw Chanyeol already waiting on one of the tables. Always on time. Such a freak.

He frowned when he saw me went to stand across him. I returned back with a glare as I sit.

It's not like I enjoy seeing his face right in front of me. And the silence is killing me. Damn Junmyeon-hyung won't tell me anything. As if it would make any difference if it's told by this bastard. I need to finish this soon.

"Look, I know we got bad blood for some reason but... I need to know about Kyungsoo." I started.

"What's this now? All of a sudden? As if you care..." He asked, his tone laced with irritation.

"I understand that you have no means to know that I always cared about Kyungsoo and his matters because you are not with him when I was there for him always. Every time."

Take that. I don't mean to resolve to this and make him feel like he's an but he's pushing it.

As expected, his jaw clenched and his eyes showed a moment of pain.

He sighs, "So what is this exactly?"

"The night when I saw you and Kyungsoo... at the cafe... he looks like he was crying that time... Junmyeon-hyung seems to know the reason but he said to have you tell me instead."

"I see... Kyungsoo that time was a mess. His mom called and he found out that she's ill..."

Chanyeol continued telling me more about Kyungsoo and I can't believe all that I'm hearing. And I can't help but mentally shot myself for being such a huge . My hyungs are right. I am an idiot.

Kyungsoo has been in pain that time, how come I didn't even stop for a while and feel him properly?

He was probably looking for a comfort under my arms that night and yet, I inflicted pain... I hurt him more...

"What's going on with your shallow mind right now, you better drop it already. What's done is done. Shouldn't you be doing what you need to do by now instead?"

I stood up, tossing the empty cup of coffee at the trash can, I grabbed my bag and head towards the departure area of the airport.

I have a flight to New York.

I have a confession to tell.

I have a love to claim.

Three Years Later

"Somebody pull Baekhyun out the stage already!" Junmyeon-hyung shouts among the noises of the club.

Few of us turned our heads towards Baekhyun, who is putting quite a show of himself at the stage. Singing. Dancing. Definitely losing it. Obviously drunk. Can also be considered high.

Baekhyun soon noticed us looking at him. He flashed a -eating smile. He let go of the microphone and went straight to us, not really straight actually, he was drunk-walking.

"You ! That ladies over there are asking for you?! , I thought they were after me but they were actually aiming for you!!!"

"Well, relax, I'm not interested to them." I answered lazily.

"Oh. You're still at that?"

When Baekhyun-hyung noticed I don’t plan to answer him, he added,

"Must be a nice piece of to be worthy of being celibate for years."

This isn't about that. It might be funny of me to actually say this but think the right term is maturity. I realized that I learned that the moment I found love. Something simple as that but it changed a whole lot of me. No. It didn't change me. It presented who I could be. I could be patient. I could be kind. I could experience such a savage thing like love. That I deserve something luxurious and rare like that. And because of that, I held back. Because they also deserved someone better than me who can't give my whole to them, who still can't have back my own heart that was taken by someone else for a long time. And don't laugh at me now because it isn't like what you're thinking. I'm not preserving my body or any like that. And , it's not like I can't get hard. Because even a single thought of him can get me so hard it pains.

It's... I guess I could just smile at the fact that even now, I still can't quit him. Though we no longer see each other, I still feel him. I still think about him.

I still love him.

And funny because up until now, I have no idea when exactly did I fall for him. Was it the first time I looked into his huge eyes and heard his soft voice? Was it when I saw him the second time with my hyung? Was it when the first time I let him sleep on my room?

It could be when I touched his hand. It could be the first time I saw him smile. It could be when I heard him sing. It could be the first time I kissed him. And I wasn't aware I was no longer having with him, I was already making love with him.

"Hello?! Are you still Jongin?!" My thoughts were cut by Baekhyun's loud voice.

"Anyway, congrats for winning the advertisement campaign! Wow, you really went and did it!"

"That's to be expected." I answered, casually joining back in the conversation.

"How does it feel signing 800 Million worth of contract?"

"Nothing in particular."

"Oh well, must felt really exciting since your smile is so wide right now and your eyes are particularly dark."

The next morning, while my head is still aching from last night's hangover, I forced myself to get up early and dress myself.

Today is the first time I'm meeting the contact person for this advertisement project. I am excited.

I am in the middle of signing documents when my secretary called from the desk and informed me about this person's arrival. I told her to let him in and leave us.

As I stopped, and dropped my pen to lift my head, I saw him there standing across my table.

Two huge black pools staring back at me.

I was taken in.

And like how it always did me, I was completely a prisoner to my addiction.

I see his lips curve to smile. And I become undone.

"Anneyeonghaseyo Kim-sajangnim. I'm Do Kyungsoo of Ex-O company. It's a pleasure to finally work with you."

I stood up and walk around my desk to properly shake his hand.

"The honor is mine."

"Please sit." I gestured on the cushioned sofa.

"What would you like to drink? Soda? Coffee? Tea?" Oh yeah, what am I? The waiter now? I need to keep talking to suppress my tension.

"I'm fine. Thank you."

"Good." I sit across him and lock eye-contact with him.

"This is such a surprise. I didn't expect our hotel will be the chosen one." I lied.

No. This is not a surprise. Not at all. I followed every single social media he has. I know where he works at; when he came back in the country and who he has been seeing.

That is the reason why the moment I heard about his firm's project, I strive hard to submit a proposal. And I know. I know our company would be it.

"Sajangnim," I suppress a quake inside me when I hear him address me as that. "The hotel chains of Kim Enterprises are the best, even the top best of the country. Our company has no doubt about that."

He knows.

We spent the next minutes going around the abstract of the engagement project. All the technicalities and financials in the process; and before we knew it, almost an hour has already passed.

And about the same time I finished memorizing his face once again. For three years that passed, he still looked the same, younger even. I noticed how fairer he got and how he gained some, but that really suits him. His voice is as soft and y as I have always remembered.

"I promise we will not let yours down. We don't plan on letting this go." I said, concluding our business meeting.

He smiles before he answers, "Oh no. I don't plan on letting go. Never. Not anymore."

With that, I smiled back, leaning closer, I begin to start the epilogue of our meeting,

"Then that's good. Because honestly Kyungsoo-ssi, I need my fix now."

To be Continued...

please don't unsub yet... extras coming right up

I'm very sorry for the late update. And oh ! this reached 200 subs! I don't know what to say... where in the hell did you angels come from?? wow... thank you so so much!!!

For all the messages, comments, posts, I apologize how I can’t reply for now, promise I’ll get back to you guys, your words are so amazing and I sincerely appreciate them!