fifteen

This is beyond tiring. It's frustrating.
I know I started playing this kind of game but the more I indulge myself in this, the more I'm losing it. No, from the very start, I'm already on the losing team.

And I don't think I can extend anymore patience. So I figured I might just screw this up completely.

Kyungsoo looked horrified that time. When I just kissed him and just a call of his name from Chanyeol made him paralyzed. Suddenly he paled. His mouth instantly dried up. I was looking at him the whole time because who ing cares what Chanyeol's doing that time? And I know he felt guilty and regretful like he was caught doing something he shouldn't be doing, like he wasn't supposed to even think about it.

He doesn't want to reject me, hell he's making me pull him into me yet he doesn't want Chanyeol to know about us. He doesn't want to let go of him...

And I said, that's it. To hell with all this push and pull drama. It's either me or him. It came to the point that I can't stomach sharing Kyungsoo with another guy. So if he can't let go of Chanyeol? Fine, go run with him. I don't give a damn anymore.

I don't but... why do I still feel like taking Kyungsoo away from Chanyeol even now?

I saved him from thinking of another lie or excuse about the kiss we just shared. I was the one who told Chanyeol everything.
That Kyungsoo and I had something going on between us. That I knew a part of  Kyungsoo that he didn't even know; noticed something in Kyungsoo that he didn't even notice all the long years they were together; touched a place inside Kyungsoo that he didn't get to reach... 

That Kyungsoo belongs to me.
Though I know only his heart wasn't.
Only his heart.

Because every ing time Kyungsoo is with me, I know I'm the one running in his mind.

But why is it still not enough to take his heart?

 

I tried my best to appear unconcerned as I took the resignation letter lying on my desk.

                                                                 [ Reason for leaving: Personal ]

"Resigning, huh..." I uttered without looking at the guy standing across the table I'm sitting,

"It's too sudden. I'm sorry." Kyungsoo fidgeted on his place.

'Too sudden', , you could say immediate. Today's his last day, seriously? "It's fine. But the guys in the department might want to throw a goodbye party for you, you know." I said nonchalantly as I finally look up at him from my seat.

He flinched the moment our eyes met. What exactly is he doing? He is telling me that he is leaving me but he is looking at me like he's wanting me.

I don't get it.

"They probably will." He said with a polite sad smile. He seems to be fighting the idea of telling me more but still, as always, he stayed silent. He is never going to tell me anything about him at all.

I don't get him.

After a few polite exchange of words, he nodded and turned to head out of my office but like how I always don't have control over my body whenever he's concerned, I walked up until I'm just behind him.

He sensed me right off as he stopped his pace.

"Kyungsoo..." I whispered as I trace his nape with my finger I heard him gasps, "I might want to have a goodbye with you, you know."

I think I heard him breathe a word I can't exactly point out but I know I just made him affected as much as I was to him.

So I let him run out of my office for now.

I don't get me.

I've been letting him run from me often times for a while now. Even when I saw him once again with Chanyeol the other night in front of the cafe, I didn't walk to take him back. I let him decide. And certainly, he didn't care to chase after me or to explain to me anything when I pretended like I wasn't bothered by them being together. He just watched me as I get back inside my car, wait for some time and eventually drove away from them.
Really?
Man, okay, I take that 'explaining' is a bit of a heavy thing for two people who's relationship status is quite doubtful; but not saying any word at all? Even a plastic greeting will do, after all, we were quite close. For Christ's sake, he was absent for two consecutive days and he wasn't answering any of my phone calls as he wasn't sending any messages... he got me worried... at least for that, can't he give back a small piece of appreciation?

And now he shows up finally, and with a very neat, straight-from-the-printer resignation letter.

I don't know what's up from down anymore.

I'm amaze how I was able to keep up until now.

It's already past 8, office hours ended at 6 pm. Considering the planned send off party for Kyungsoo, the whole office floor was already emptied. I went out of my office and head straight towards Kyungsoo's room when I noticed from the window blinds that the lights are still on. He is still here. He tensed soon as he felt me inside the room.

"Sajangnim... you still haven't left..."

"So do you, what are you still doing here when the party for you has been going already for hours?"

"I told them I'll just follow, I need to wrap up the last pendings." he watch me walk near to his table.

"Finishing soon?" I intentionally made it sound dual meaning... the other with a quite dirty one as I put on a hoarse voice.

"Y-yeah..." his cheeks start to heat up. I like it.

"Good. We can't make them wait for you for so long."

"Actually, I bet they wouldn't even notice if I'm there, you know the party people in our department."

"True."

"Are you going to meet them there, sajangnim?"

"You said you were just completing your pending cases... how much longer would it take?" I said suggesting I'm planning to wait for him.

"I'm kind of finished already when you walked here. That's why my laptop is shutting down now." he smiles.

"I see... then it's alright. Let's go there together then."

As expected, almost all the guys are half-drunk. Kyungsoo and I glanced at each other as if saying, 'see? did get drunk even when the host of the party hasn't yet arrived'.

Donghae-ssi went towards us soon as he spotted Kyungsoo. He made his arms around Kyungsoo and drag him towards the couch; I followed close enough to manage to sit beside Kyungsoo.
 

For hours or so we pretended to be really into the party, laughing with the lamest jokes, joining into stupid conversations, playing card games or other spin-the-bottle kind of games.

We played 50 questions. Only that almost the whole department got involved and so we only got about two questions each.

The first question to me was easy: 'Are you a ?'. I swear I heard Donghae-ssi growled 'What the ?! Totally wasted one question for our sajangnim!!!' Everyone was so disappointed like they all definitely knew the answer to that no-need-to-be-asked question and so I honestly and mischievously answered

'Yes...' 

Hyunmoo dared to call me 'er'. And so laughing I finished my answer with, 'Yes... only my that is.'

Everyone laughed. My second question is so cliche. They asked me, 'Do you have someone you like right now sajangnim?'

I was staring at Kyungsoo as I answer them 'Yes.'

Short. Simple. Sure.

Kyungsoo was asked if he's seeing someone right now. He answered 'No'. It earned a scowl from me.

And Hyunmoo, once again being drunk and all, called for Kyungsoo to sing again. The guy, walked towards the stage without protest probably thinking it's a way to have space between us somehow.

When the opening melody starts only then I realized that it's a 2AM song.
.
It's a 2AM song.
Their songs are the ones I can't handle.
It's full of sadness, melancholy, and heart break.

He started singing the first lines: As I think only of you all day, A single stream of tear flows on its own

At first he's trying so hard to avoid looking at me. But when it reached the chorus part, he locked his eyes on me. Never blinking an eyelid, and I held my breath. Because, I dare say it-- I'm sure he is singing the song for me.

I put my hand around the aching area of my chest. What is he doing to me? What has he done to me?

My mind is running a whirlwind of thoughts and I needed to work on it now. Too late to stop my feet from walking towards him and before he even gets to finish the song, I already took his wrist and urge him to me. I ignore the other people in the room with their utter shock as Kyungsoo and I exited the room.
 

Creaking, heavy breaths, rasp sounds echo around the whole floor of his apartment that already has the smell of sweat and lust over each space. Kyungsoo gasps with his palms white knuckling the sheets as I put my finger on his mouth to stifle his cries everytime I pump unto him. I watch him writhe beneath me, his back against my chest as I drive deeper inside. I'm purposely making this hurt and painful. So he can at least have a tinge of the pain I'm feeling right now.

"Turn around..." I demand hoarsely between breaths.

I wanted to see your face when you come to me.

I spin him and cup my finger around his chin to make him look at me. I try my hardest to stare at him coldly but I know he can see my true emotions in my eyes. For a moment I slowed down. I let him swallow me in. And then I reliaze that I need to leave something for me before he gets to take it all. Truth is I don't mind.

"".

I harder and he bit my shoulder and gripped my biceps so heavy that his fingers are almost digging into me.
No matter how much I pull it from him, he won't call my name. He won't tell me a thing. He won't let me listen to him. But I wanted to atleast hear him get drown into pleasure or pain yet he stubbornly bites me in every places instead. And maybe I like that idea more. He could leave a mark. I hope it's deep enough to stay for long days.

With everytime we come, I cry "I love you" over and over in my mind.

We didn't stop until we can no longer go on... and I set down on top of him while we were catching our breaths.

He is so beautiful, it hurts.

I shifted so I can look at him who insists on not looking back at me, I move closer to give a one last kiss but he turned his face away and so I kissed the skin below his ear instead.

"You are so cruel." I whispered.

And he moves away from me.

This is ing bad.

I feel like crying.

What am I going to do?

I'm tired of this addiction. But I couldn't fall out of love.

---xoxo---
this chapter.. i hard time updating because i hate writing this part...
should i just transfer the whole fic under 'm' category? i mean it bothers me how... how i always end up having scenes like these written in most of the chapters, some of you guys might find it disturbing too... i can't help it,..