fourteen

It's like I'm being suffocated. , this is awkward. I never expected this setting could also happen. Shucks, it's almost as if a hidden camera is placed somewhere,

Jongin must have sensed my hysteria that he did the honor of finalizing the wreckage by telling Chanyeol,

"The floor is yours... but I need to ask you to be gentle at him, after all, he's still worn out from last night's..."

After saying those kind of words that made Chanyeol flinch, Jongin left the two of us awkwardly standing in front of my flat's door.

I figured Chanyeol is too shocked to say something, I breathe in air and that's when he speaks, "What... did he mean?"

I sigh, "I don't know. What you think he meant?"

"Kyungsoo... are you... did Jongin forced you a kiss?"

And this is it. I'm tired of playing the innocent good guy that Chanyeol thinks I am. I'm sick of pretending to be someone I'm not just to protect our friendship when in fact I know it's only as far as he's concerned.  Should I throw it to him that I dreamed about him ing me to death many times since I realized I fell in love with him? And that I can do far more than not-so-chaste things from the kiss he witnessed just now?

"Chanyeol. Did it seem to you that he forced me the kiss?"

He frowned, showing he's getting impatient. Ha! Well he's not the only one. "Please don't answer my question with a question."

"Fine. You want declarative sentences? Here you go, just now, when I thought there's no one else around, I was kissing with Jongin in front of my flat's door. He did not need to force me into doing things with him after all, I was attracted to him."

His face paled and his expression turned gray. Suddenly I remember why I cautiously hide this from him. I don't want him to be guilty that he unconsciously hurts me all this years... "What?"

"I'm into guys, Chanyeol-ah. I'm sorry I kept this to you for such a long time. I just hated to see that horrified face you're making right now but I guess it's inevitable."

"Sorry..." Chanyeol muttered, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You don't have to. I like to invite you in but I guess it's better if you turn me down for now..."

"Sorry... let's talk later okay?" He said without looking at me.

"Yeah, good bye Chanyeol." I mumbled before getting inside of my room.

Of course today is a different story from yesterday. The whole weekend I was cursing myself for thinking like an idiot, for acting like crazy, and for speaking like delirious.

Because crappy ing of damn hell.

Chanyeol doesn't need it to know. And I wasn't supposed to let him know.

That's why I have 49 missed calls, 7 from Jongin and the rest from Chanyeol. 28 unread messages almost all from Chanyeol.

It's in the middle of Monday and yet I'm here laying on the tiled floor of sauna house near my apartment. I can't go to office right now because my mind is still a mess. Apparently, I noticed I can't think rationally whenever Jongin is around.

And Chanyeol might even went there to look for me.

So I'm currently hiding. I need to clear my head.

I need a space away from those two whose talent for turning me upside down excels impressively.

I knew I'm ready when I woke up after generous hours of sleep. I reached for my phone beside me and noticed the increased number of missed calls and unread messages. All from two persons. I went to clear the lists without reading any of it.

'Let's meet at Panda beans and smoothies cafe. 7pm.'

I keyed and sent it to Chanyeol's number.

I gathered my things, fixed my clothes and head out of the sauna house.

I already expected Chanyeol waiting for me in the cafe. He's always on time. He never made anyone wait for him, he's that punctual with everything. I flashed him a soft smile as I sit across him.

I thought it'll really be heavy and I was nervous on my way here but seeing him right now in front of me, I never thought I would actually felt so calm and relieved.

I just chuckled when he replied with a heavy frown because his eyes was a mixture of nervousness, like he has been worried about me for so long, and then he looks at me with gentleness and same relief.

We started the conversation as light as possible. I feel like he's been very careful about the things he asks. He must have sensed it somehow that depending on what he needs to know, I'll tell him something he's not ready to acknowledge.

But he didn't know. That I decided never to tell him that. Even if he asks.

"I'm really sorry that there's a part of you that I didn't realized all this time. Is that why you kind of avoiding me?"

"No I..."

"I felt it Kyungsoo... that you have been avoiding me. All of a sudden I was confused... but now I know..."

. I didn't expect this. This is worse.

"Chanyeol..."

"You don't have to think that I'll treat you differently if I ever knew your preference."

Oh. This ever numb guy.

"Oh."

Then he looks a bit hesitant before he continues, "But... you... didn't... I mean... I might sound arrogant but you didn't like me that way or right?"

Always he says the words that makes me held back the truth...

Before if someone would ask about how I feel about him, or if he ever asks about how I feel for him, I would feel like crying and my throat starts pricking and my heart clenches as I tell every single word of my denial. Funny how now, I was able to talk about it lightly. Maybe there's still some remains of my lie but I'm glad it's no longer heart-breaking.

It's more of a possitive longing.

I no longer ache to be loved back by this man.

Maybe I still love him. But maybe I'm no longer in love with him.

It feels very comforting and I can only nod as I thought, maybe he's right, "Right."

"And about Jongin... why him?"

Image of Jongin's smile flashes in my mind. I suddenly felt warm and I can't help but break a smile.

"I don't know. Truth is, we don't have any commitment at all. We just happened to fool around together before. And I know sajangnim's repulation doesn't appeal you but he's a good man. He is someone I deeply respect. But... if you're wondering about that, I can never imagine getting something real with him. For now, we just like each others' company."

"I see. I can trust that you won't get hurt... because I'll definitely give him a piece if he ever hurt you."

"No... I won't get hurt. I also think that he won't do something that would hurt me."

Again, I lied. Because I know at some point, Jongin is capable of hurting me... just that he won't do it intentionally.

But the fact that he consumes my mind even though I'm with Chanyeol right now must have mean that like the maple leaves of autumn, hearts also change.

"Then it's good."

Suddenly my phone rings. I excused for a while as I checked the caller with an unknown number. Chanyeol gestured me to do so answer it.

"Hello?"

"Soo..." I fliched at the familiar voice and the natural way she calls my name.

I'm hearing her ask me about how do I do right now. I listen as she continues to speak to me about the most casual things as if we do this every single day. And I still hang on to listen as she tells me about the thing she most wanted me to know.

I knew it the moment I first heard her voice after years not being able to do so. Hers sounds the same. It's the voice ever so soft that you could imagine how smoothing it can be if she sings. The words even sounds like melody in her voice but it's the weak note behind her that scares me. She sounded tired and pained. Like she has been sick and she struggles just not to shaken her voice... she fighting not to cry.

I felt stifle and something lumps in my throat and I feel like I'm spinning and I'm still holding my phone next to my ear minutes after it got disconnected and all I hear as the steady dial tone.

"Kyungsoo-ah, Kyungsoo!"

I turned to look at Chanyeol who grabs my arm and looks at me with utmost concern; "What's wrong? Who called? Kyungsoo, you're sweating..."

"Yeol... it's my mom... said she's dying..."

"What?" he answered with a soft whisper.

He sits back, this time, just beside me. He holds my hand on the table to keep them from shaking as I tell him everything.

That my mom called. My mom who cruelly left me and my dad when I was in college. My mom who made my dad a drunkard when she said she's not happy with us anymore and she wanted a new life away from us.

Suddenly she called and told me everything.
That she was diagnosed with an incurable illness just at my peak in college. That she didn't want to burden me and distract me from my studies so she chose to make me hate her instead. That she couldn't tell even my dad about it so she ran away. That she couldn't take how we'll respond if we ever knew the truth... but she asked for forgiveness for feeling selfish right now... that she wanted to see me and hug me for one last time...

"She has a long time friend from New York. When she can't contain it anymore, she said that she spoke to her and that's how my mom's friend took her to New York, hoping she can have better medical treatment there..."

"I see..." he said so softly

"She's there fighting by herself alone Chanyeol-ah... I can't..."

"Hush... it's okay..." he rested his palm on my shoulder, patting it lightly

"I need to see her... I need to feel her... God, I need to be there for her."

"Ne..."

Chanyeol listened attentively as I continue to tell him about my mom, casually my palm with the pad of his thumb, giving light squeeze from time to time to let me know that he's there.

Chanyeol asked if I wanted to stay with him for tonight but I politely declined. I even joked that he shouldn't be so nice to me but he just shrug. When we went out of the cafe, just a few steps I took and he called me again, I turned to see him but was surprised instead when he gave me a light hug.

"It's going to be okay..." he said.

I smiled against his chest, feeling tempted to pull up my hands and return his hug.

But once again, I think about Jongin.

And though it's really comforting under Chanyeol's warm embrace, I pulled away to break it first.

"Thanks"

"Kyungsoo... you know that I'm always here for you right?" He said as he lightly pats my head. Giving me his most sincere it-is-going-to-be-fine smile.

Before I could say anything back, a car buzzes from the sideroad. Both of our attention turned towards the direction of the sound.

Once again, my breath caught and my heart slams against my chest.

Because there stood Jongin at the sideroad, his back leaning against his car.

Immediately, I took one step away from Chanyeol without being aware I actually did. But the act just made Jongin looked more irritated. Despite Chanyeol being calm, I'm a wreck of mixed emotions;

And then I realized above anything else, the world must have enjoyed messing up with me.

---xoxo---
new cover photo >.<~
credits to its creator ^^~ so cute ~
np: love lane by mamamoo