sixteen

It hurts. It damn hurts I'm going to cry.

I reached for the pillow and dragged it next to my chin as I bury my head on it and bite my teeth in to hinder my cries for every time Jongin slams himself inside me. He captured my hands that was gripping the pillow and ties it one-hand.

He drives harder. He goes deeper and I feel higher.

God, such a rough that ing hurts makes me go crazier. I'm already addicted to him. I'm addicted to his voice, addicted to his touch, I'm totally dead.

When his hand released mine and went to the curve of my hips, fingers digging, that's when I clasp unto the sheets and his other hand came from behind resting on my cheek as he places a finger on my mouth choking my moans for the pleasure and pain.

He pounds faster.

Intentionally making it hurt. And I'm willing to accept every bit of pain. I want it to hurt. I want him to hurt me this way. It hurts so badly it might bleed but I desperately need it I wish it'll leave bruises.

"Turn around..." he said sounding breathless.

I did.

I died the moment our eyes met. He looks at me coldly under those hooded eyes but he seems more pained than I am. As if I'm the one causing him pain, his s became unforgiving. He is cold and very warm. He is ruthless and gentle at the same time. He is the right kind of wrong. He is hateful and I... I know I'm dead.

Jongin tried to kiss me but I turned my head away. I swear I heard him laugh shortly as he just gave a light kiss on the soft spot near my earlobe. A tear fell from the corner of my eye betrayed me from pushing away my emotions that I don't have a plan on recognizing.

But it's there.

Not having my head recognize it doesn't mean my heart hasn't felt it.

He maybe the worst kind of guy you need to hook up with but he is the falling-in-love-with type. Despite giving all the warnings, and taking all the precautions, apparently my heart still wasn't able to get the memo of never to fall in love with Jongin.

Because I did fall in love with this man.

And it scares me to death.

So I need to run away. Now. Fast. And Far away.

To a place where he won't be able to reach me.

I shifted sidewards more to detach myself from him, my back facing him. Cold air rushed through my skin from being away from his touch.

"You are so cruel..." he whispered as he sits up and leaned his back against the headboard.

I am cruel. I am cold. And I'm in the verge of crying.

" without feelings surely is easy for you... but it's really tiring if it's with you Kyungsoo-ah.."

I pulled the blanket close to my chest as I sense him got off the bed and hear the clothes being picked up. I didn't turn to see him walk away.

And when I think he's next the doorway, he says, "Bye... Kyungsoo..."

I closed my eyes and finally sob quietly when I no longer hear his steps in my apartment.

The next morning, despite being sleep deprived, I woke up earlier than I used to. Feeling extremely exhausted and spent and all kinds of sticky, with all my muscles sore, especially down my , I was basically wobbling while walking towards the bathroom.

The moment I look into the mirror, I almost utter obscenities.

Well .

I know I was ed hard but my look right now screams how I was thoroughly ed.

My hair swept in all directions, messily ed by fingers, my lips swollen from corner to corner, dreadfully assaulted by kisses, my neck appears to be bitten by an insatiable vampire who stopped going deeper just as when it's about to finally bleed, my wrists still have the traces of being gripped tightly and my chest is literally covered with hickeys down to my abdomen, and further down... .

I step to the shower and obsessively rub the soap all over my skin trying hard to get off his traces from my body, to take away his smell on my skin. But I know it's impossible when some of him are still inside me. Literally and Figuratively.

After I dressed up, I went down to drink a glass of water and checked my phone to see few unread messages from some people in our department, well most from Donghae-sunbaenim. And some messages from Chanyeol.

I smiled as I opened the conversation thread:

Are you home yet?

You can't get drunk when you're leaving tomorrow.

What time is your flight?

Good morning!

So I was thinking I'd give you a ride to the airport. Decent thing to do being your friend.

"Here." Chanyeol handed me a cup of coffee before sitting across the table as we both let some time pass by in the airport's cafe. Still few hours before my flight.

"Thanks. You know, you really need not to do this. You should be on your office today..." I say before I lift my cup and take a sip from it.

Chanyeol leaned forward, his suit constricting around his designer suit. "I do what I want. Stop thinking I'm doing this for you. I just wanted to save yourself from missing me so much."

"Oh whatever."

"You going to miss me. You could beg me to go with you. I might consider."

"Over my dead body."

Chanyeol just laughed and at the same time my phone rings.

I answered and was taken by the exaggerated cries from the other line. Chanyeol appeared to be curious by my reaction. I mouthed Junmyeon's name so he'll get a clue.

I sighed. " Junmyeon, it's not like I'm dying. You're crying too much like I kind of died or something, seriously it cre----"

"Kyungsoo-yahhhhh~" Junmyeon just cried harder.

"Oh , stop that."

"How could you! How dare you! You were leaving?! How come you haven't said a word, damn it! How..."

Oh god... Junmyeon is at it again. His cry-baby tendencies are seriously turning into sickness or some kind of a bad habit. And so I did the most logical thing to do, I stayed quiet for minutes until he's finally getting over it and willing to listen to me.

"Will you listen to me now, love?"

I know Junmyeon is weak against endearing words and so I expected him to be taken aback when I called him love.

And he was.

I explained to him my needing to be away to be with my mom. I shared to him about my mom and he told me he feels bad that we're talking about something like this over the phone, he asked if he wasn't good enough that I couldn't confide things to him. And I feel bad that I told this things to him thru phone... Junmyeon is a dear friend of mine. He deserved better. I should have given him more... I should have opened up to him more. 

"Junmyeon-ah, komawo... and I really like you. When I come back, I'll definitely go see you first."

I can hear him smile over the phone. I dared to look up to Chanyeol and saw his relief too.

When the call ended, Chanyeol let out a sigh and asks, "You didn't tell him?"

"Yeah..."

"Wow... you're... cold..."

My jaw hanged open from shock and I let out a dry laugh, "Man, coming from you? Of all the people..."

He frowned, "Did you tell Kim Jongin?"

"Of course. I needed to pass him the RL in the first place."

"You know that's not what I'm talking about."

"Chanyeol-ah, I love Jongin."

He sighed. "I... know."

I wanted Chanyeol to be the first person to know about this. I even wanted to tell him this before I get to hear it from myself for the first time.

"I'm in love with him. That's why I told him only the things I need him to know. It is better this way. I can't leak a liquid gas into the ignited spark. I can't let us be anymore connected than we were. If I tell him about my mom, what will he feel? What will I want him to feel? I can't expect him to tell me the things I long for him to say. It's too much. I can't allow him to be with me. It will be the end of me. I won't be able to take it. He has always been too much for me. I love him so much it scares the out of me. I'm becoming the person I never thought I could be. I'm thinking things I never thought I could wish for. I'm having emotions I never thought I could show. He... Jongin unravels me. I have loved but never love like this before. That's why this stays with me. Only with me."

"Kyungsoo, you need to have some love for yourself. You are very adorable and attractive. There is no reason not to love you. And that man Jongin, I can see the way he looks at you, he loves you."

I shake my head and with a light smile I answer, "No. He has this twisted itch to own me and that I can't figure out why. We began with a simple attraction which led to dangerous addiction... All of those were acts of claiming me. Because he wanted me to know that I was his. And I am. It's supposed to be perfect that way, until I fell in love."

"You should really take a good look inside his eyes..."

"Are you really Chanyeol?!" I joked. "Since when have you turned into someone talking about emotions and other drama s?"

"Forget it."

And with that we shifted our conversation to much lighter ones. Until it's already time to leave.

It took me a moment to catch her gaze, she was calm and sitting still while looking far past the window beside her bed. When she realized that it wasn't the nurse or the doctor who entered the room, she slowly turned her head and looked at me. part but not a voice came out, she looked aged for years but she glows young and she's paler, weaker, thinner but she managed to smile the moment she recognizes me.

It's painful looking at her like this but I'm really glad she gave me the opportunity to see her this time, I walk towards my mom and soon warm tears fell from the corner of her eyes. I gently sit beside her, she slowly gathered me around her trembling hands and I returned her embrace. I wanted to hug her tighter but I'm afraid I might break her.

"I missed you, umma."

"Mianhe, Soo-yah."

Hours turned into days;

I miss him for every minutes that passed.

As days gathered into weeks;

I looked at myself in the mirror and felt confusingly lonely as the faint marks he left visibly before were now completely vanished.

And eventually weeks came into month...

I still think of Jongin every now and then but the thought of missing him turned into an ordinary part of my days.

"Did you have someone you like?" My mom asked of nowhere as we were casually spending Sunday afternoon in her room.

Her condition has improved since I stayed here but the doctors said her infected cells are beyond repair. Both of us accepted it yet I'm relieved that my mom hasn't lost the fight. She is a very strong woman.

She would talk to me in low whispers and even joked and some times, she would just ask questions like this out of the blue.

"No..."

"Lie. You are a very pretty man Kyungsoo, you got my looks, I'm sure you had a girlfriend or two."

"I hadn't have a girlfriend or two. I didn't have someone I like. I do have someone I love."

I flushed. My mom's eyes widened, and her lips slowly curled up to smile. Amazement, adoration, sadness, and excitement flashed in her face.

I know all the things she wanted to ask but she knows I'm aware how hard it is for her to speak so I feed her with the things she's curious about---

"It's not what you think mom... that person is way too good for me. It's not like I don't have the courage to tell him what I feel, I chose not to. It should be like that. And he is too much for me I don't think I can handle that man."

" 'that man'?" she asked, without any hint of gross or disgust, just pure curiosity.

"Yes. He's a... man."

"I see... but that isn't the issue..."

"Ne... it was never an issue. It's simply because the two of us won't work."

My mom nodded and she placed a hand on top of my linked hands. "Kyungsoo-ah, you are a very good child... I know how amazing you are and how you deserved to be loved well. If you think that he's the person who can give you happiness, please give him a chance by being true to him--- be true to yourself. You are almost intimidating and by that it's had to figure you out. Let it go. Say what you want to say. Be brave Soo-ah..."

"I... but it's no use mom, we ended already... if there is even a thing we ended..."

"If it's still there, then nothing has ended. You know it. Promise me, next time the two of you meet again, tell him exactly what you feel."

"I will."

And then I smiled.

Because I agree completely. Because it's exactly want I want to do.

When I see Jongin, I will tell him I love him.

And man, do I can't wait to.

---xoxo---

np: beast - drive

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