Capsule 2: Happiness is not for real

The pursuit of happiness may become the source of unhappiness

- Paulo Coelho

[Flash back 7 years ago]

“Who is that little girl in the picture, hyeong-nim?”

“My niece. She is so cute, is she?”

“She looks so stubborn”

“Of course, she is the same thing with her omma. I’ll pick her up to stay with me soon”

“She doesn’t live with her parents, does she?”

“Yes, she lives with her omma, but…Did you hear about my noona’s scandal?”

“Eh? I’m not kind of catching up with scandal”

“She ran away with a low class guy.”

“…”

“Uri ahbeoji is so mad at her; he put an end to father-daughter ships. But just 4 months ago, my bro-in-law became bankrupt on his small business. It’s his family’s business passed to generation after generation, so he couldn’t stand the lost that why he committed suicide.”

“…”

“But noona said it was ahbeoji’s responsibility. She is so stubborn and full of hatred to ahbeoji, she vowed she will never stepped back here. I can’t imagine how the mother and little girl struggle since then”

“I’m so sorry to hear that, hyeong-nim”

“I’m also, Yonghwa. I’m so sorry that I cannot do anything. I should go there and convince noona again and again until she let me help for the sake of her daughter. The girl is innocent; she has nothing to do with this ridiculous war between lineages”

“Have you ever visited them?”

“Yes, I have, several times when my bro-in-law was there. But since the incidence, noona doesn’t want to see my face either. I’m missing my Juhyun so badly.”

“Your noona, will she be happy ever again?”

“Why ask?”

“Nothing…just I’m curious”

“Sometimes people were too busy chasing after happiness, before they ended up realize that they were left with full of unhappiness in their arms”

“….”

“But they just can’t help doing that to themselves, because if they stay still the happiness never comes to them though. Or at worst, they are in deep misery that why they need to struggle out and run away as far as they could. Perhaps we could say – happiness is such delusive”

Happiness is such delusive‼

[Present]

Seonhwa mental hospital at Yangpyeong county, Gyeonggi province, South Korea

Yonghwa came back again days after that day.

This time he asked to meet the specific patient named Seo Juhyun by himself, so a nurse walked him to the park.

When he was there, he told the nurse that he would introduce himself to the girl on his own, and the nurse could leave them alone because it was what he thought it should be since he would be the girl’s guardian soon. He was so sure about that because he won’t accept the other ways around.

Yonghwa looked straight to the girl sitting on a bench with a book opened in her hands. He was impressed that she could read. Oh well, she perfectly recover to remind himself again. And truth be told, she totally looks like a sane person to him.

Yonghwa walked closer to her while the nurse was still take a look from afar just in case something unpleasant happen.

“Can I sit here?” Yonghwa asked the girl.

The slime figure looked up from her book to meet the appealing big eyes of him. She gradually spread her smile before gave him a little nod. Then Yonghwa sat on another end of the bench.

He was apparently aware not to get too close to her, it would make her uncomfortable. (Just what he thought though)

“Last time I met you, but I didn’t have a chance to say a word. I am Jung Yonghwa. Nice to meet you” He said in business tone and reached out his hand just like when he had meeting with his clients or business partners.

She blinked several times while looked at his hand for a few minute, and then she put a smile on her face again and let out only her forefinger to meet his hand “I’m a small grain of sand” said, the girl.

Yonghwa was confused the way she greeted him and what she introduced herself.

…Alright she is different, yes she is a psycho. The small voice in his head said.

But that was no big deal for him.

“I’m a small grain of sand named SeoJuHyun” continued, Juhyun with a wide smile and reached her forefinger to him furthermore.

Yonghwa looked at her forefinger that reminded him of the E.T movie he once ever watched. Well…seemed like someone came from another star, he thought and then decided to play along.

He let out his forefinger as well and reached to meet hers.

Now 33 year-old the great Jung Yonghwa happened to perform the E.T greeting. And the cause of this childish act was giggling happily.

“Do you come back to answer my question?” Juhyun asked and pulled her hand back to previous position, done greeting “The one I ask you, how the world outside looks like”

In fact, Yonghwa already slipped that question of his mind because his busy schedule didn’t have mercy on him and he still had no idea what he should say at this moment.

“But I already got it. I’ll let you know” She grabbed a handful of her shirt on her left chest again while said “The world outside is like what this inside need it to be” she said and smile to herself.

Every time she smiled, it seemed to Yonghwa as if she never get tired of smiling.

Seemed like she never be bothered by sadness, or she just didn’t let sadness take away her precious smile.

Or perhaps the smile… is the best thing she had.

“So only I will know how the world outside is. Just like you, sir. Only you will know how the world outside from THIS is” She pointed her forefinger to his left chest while said ‘this’ which meant his inside, or particularly, his heart.

 She smiled to him again and took back her hand.

“Is that so?” was only thing Yonghwa could keep the conversation run, besides this he was so bewildered with her acts and her words.

She nodded several times like a little kid.

Then something came to his mind “And you know what, I will become your guardian…I means your relative from now on”

“Relative?” Juhyun raised her eyebrows “My relative? You? Jiinjja? Chongmal?” asked, surprisingly Juhyun.

Yonghwa nodded “I knew Junhyung hyeong, your samchoen. I heard a little about you back then, and you can call me samchon also, I guess”

“Or I can call you ahjjushi” Juhyun giggled, and then she felt sorry “Mianhaeyoh I just think you look so serious, I want to make you laugh” justified, Juhyun.

But it was her who laughed out loud while Yonghwa felt…like, not a word could tell. It’s not usual to have a young girl trolled on him.

“Okay! Sir, you are samchoen as you said so. What’s your name again, sir?”

“JungYongHwa and stop call me sir…Just samchoen”

“Deal..Yonghwa samchoen” She said with a bright smile.

“So you willingly stay with me”

“In case you willingly let me stay with you”

Seems like half way settled then.

“Alright, now my attorney is working on the lawsuit to get me the right to foster you from your harabeoji” He said while observed her face on this sentimental topic about her harabeoji

It seemed like her face get paler a bit and her eyes had no longer glistering while she let her sight fixed on invisible something in the air.

“I guess it won’t hard to win the case, except harabeoji intents to shut me inside this place for the rest of my life” She said with the small voice.

Shut her inside this place for the rest of her life….huh?

[Flash back 6 years ago]

“Harabeoji hates me so much, right samchoen?” asked, a 14 year-old Juhyun.

“No way Juhyun-ah. Good girl, listen to samchoen okay? Harabeoji is just so tired from his work and he is not familiar to have a little girl in this house. That is why harabeoji can’t talk to you properly”

“Harabeoji is so pitiful, samchoen”

“Why that, Juhyun-ah?”

“Harabeoju seemed like omma”

“Eh?”

“Harabeoji seemed like omma – full of hatred until it turned into tears”

“…”

“Shed again and again, never run dried…more and more endlessly until it became red…red on everywhere, and then omma sank in that red tears.”

“Juhyun! Stop it! Don’t think about it again!”

“But samchoen…I can hear omma’s voice”

……………

“Samchoen, I hear omma’s voice again. She said something in my ear” Juhyun said in panic from the door flame of her samchoen’s room in the middle of the night.

“No, no Juhyun. Your omma wasn’t here with us anymore”

“But samchoen, I really can hear omma. She is crying now. Please samchoem help omma, palli”

“Come on, good girl. Samchoen will read you to sleep, okay?”

…………..

“Samchoen, see it’s not hurt. Is this weird?” Juhyun asked while showed her bleeding wrist from the cut.

“…Juhyun‼ NO‼ DON’T DO THIS TO YOURSELF‼” shouted, her samchoen while he rushed to grab a clean towel to cover the cut. “ANYBODY THERE? HELP‼ GET MY CAR READY TO HOSPITAL‼” he shouted to his maids or the chauffer- whoever.

“It’s okay samchoen. I’m not hurt. I’m just curious if it hurt omma so badly when she did this and it didn’t. Not that much”

“DON’T EVER DO THIS AGAIN! I’M TELLING YOU‼ SEO JUHYUN‼ DON’T HURT YOURSELF‼” shouted, the man while carried Juhyun to his car that readily waited at the front door.

“I didn’t hurt myself, samchoen. It’s weird, I kept seeing umma and hearing umma cry and it won’t stop if I don’t do anything, something like this.” Juhyun said when her samchoen got her inside the car at the back seat heading to the hospital.

“Ottoke Juhyun-ah? What should I do to you?” The man cried while held a girl in his lap tight.

“Sometimes I thought that omma hated me also. Maybe she hated everything. Omma screams and break everything in front of her. When I tried to stop her, omma hit me so hard. I was scared. Doesn’t omma love me, samchoen? If she loves me why did she hurt me? Why did she leave me?” The tears escaped the pretty eyes by thinking of what happened before.

“Your omma loves you Juhyun-ah. And always loves you. But at that moment she wasn’t herself, she was someone else. Someone who had nothing left to love, so she broke down everything and she didn’t recognize you as her baby girl. So at the end when she got back to herself, your omma felt sorry to you that why she decided to left you and asked me to take care of you, got it huh?”

“Samchoen, I want to be happy. I want to be full of happiness” said, Juhyun in confessed tone.

“….” The man got nothing to say.

“..But happiness is not for real, right, samchoen?”

..Happiness is not for real…?

.

.

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[Present]

“..I didn’t expect you to remember me, I met you the first time at Junhyung’s funeral 4 years ago but we didn’t talk” Yonghwa tried to keep the smooth conversations while walked with her side by side around the park (enough space between them).And Juhyun had a tree branch in her hand to draw the line while they walked. It seemed her had fun with that.

“I didn’t remember you but I did remember the funeral, it was beautiful”

“It was, physically”…but emotionally it was so painful to her, he knew.

“You know what, samchoen, I remembered only the beautiful things, besides that I slipped them away just like most of the world outside” She smiled “Perhaps just like you also” She and then giggled.

He looked at her amazed “Okay I’m not beautiful, I’m sure” Yonghwa accepted in the matter of fact.

“But now you are. I remember you came here last time that means you are beautiful enough”

“Oh really? I’m not glad though” He said seriously.

“You don’t want to be beautiful? Or you just want to be handsome?” She asked curiously.

“Whatever” He shrugged, didn’t want to take it seriously. “Now tell me about you more” He asked, tried to get information about her as much as he could. It might be something from business circle he got used to know what other people were up to.

“Okay” Juhyun nodded “About me…I already cleared up things inside this” She pointed her forefinger to her head. This time, inside this meant inside her head. Yonghwa noted that.

“You clear up things inside you head?”

 “Yepe! I thought about it and found out that inside this was too full, so I deleted something”

“..How could you do that?” Yonghwa asked with no point. He just still had no idea how to deal with her, so he could only flow with what her were up to.

“I don’t know. Those painful things inside just hurt me, so I didn’t want to keep them. I told myself to let them go and I was left with enough things. That is how I think I deal with it”

“Wow! Maybe you should teach me on that” Yonghwa said with praised tone just as he thought it would make her proud.

“No, you can’t learn” Juhyun said with serious face. It didn’t seem like she felt proud though.

“Why can’t I? Or you just don’t want to teach me. Fine, I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to.”

“Not because I don’t want to but because it’s not a stuff to learn from anyone. Besides how much you learn doesn’t guarantee it will work on you. You have to deal with it on yourself; it’s your inside after all.” The way she said as if she was lecturing something important in classroom.

Yonghwa smiled by that act “Okay, I see. You got your point”

“But if you want I can be by your side when you’re brave enough to deal with your inside, I promise” She said while looked straight into his eyes.

Be by your side…

When you’re brave enough…

Those are two parts that stuck on his mind. He thought perhaps it mattered to her, when she was that brave she might need someone by her side. But it didn’t happen like that.

He felt sorry to her and somehow felt uneasy to himself.

She said she could be by his side when he was brave enough…she promised

Something bothered him now.

He was not sure he wanted her or anyone else be by his side when the time came, or perhaps not sure he could be brave enough.. BUT besides that WHY…Why he had to think about it like it mattered to him.

Perhaps it happened to him also.

What was happened though – Life happened.

“Thank you” was only word Yonghwa could say.

Juhyun smiled “People don’t understand what they do when they make promises, but I do”

“You do understand?” Yonghwa asked, he was getting eased a bit.

“Yepe! I understand because I mean it”

“You mean it?”

“Yepe! I mean everything I say”

“Like when you said you are a grain of sand, huh?” Yonghwa chuckled after like that. This was such an amazing thing happened, usually he won’t tease someone he barely knew. Somehow he felt relaxed around her.

“See! You are so likable and colorful when you make fun. You should always be like this” She said cheerfully.

“Wow I don’t know that. So what was I before?” He asked jokingly but was not surprised. There were few things he expected he would hear.

“You are so serious and so blue”

That was it! He knew he was serious often but what’s about blue “Blue? You mean I’m depressed or what?”

“Just blue, it’s your color”

“Blue is my color, who says that?”

“I say”

And then they both kept talking and walking along the field. Sometimes the silence cut in between the conversation. Sometimes she laughed with her jokes and Yonghwa started to make jokes much more and laugh along together. Her laughter was so contagious, her smile, and her blight side as well.

“Yonghwa samchoen”  Juhyun called and paused when Yonghwa walked further.

Yonghwa turned back to see her, waited for her to speak something. It seemed she got to something in her mind which he never knew what would come out from that. He looked at her when the soft wind blew and spread her long hair in the beautiful way, then she would tuck her hair behind her ear. This was something new, something he adored.

“…Will you…will you ever leave me like Junhyung samchoen?” asked, Juhyun with a small voice while turned her gaze to the big field “…Because I know it happened all the time at the outside, people come and gone. But…but here I am, never have someone come for awhile”

Yonghwa felt as if the sudden sadness appeared above her head, and he couldn’t find the right word to say because he was aware that he could leave her the way her samchoen left her. But if she meant would he ever leave her just that, he could say – he won’t.

He also, he meant what he said; he knew what he did when he made promises or gave his words.

But….who knew what he meant when he came without words. Somehow he didn’t even know either.

You should know upfront – JungYonghwa’s words were trustworthy but without his words, you won’t figure out how this man functioned.

“And I’m scared…I’m aware that maybe the outside doesn’t suit me anymore” Juhyun said with unsecured tone.

Suddenly Yonghwa felt something wasn’t right, he needed to fix it up for her. “Who cares whether the outside suit you or not? When you can suit to anyplace, you can be everywhere if you want”

“I can suit to anyplace, can I?” Juhyun turned her gaze to meet the man in front of her.

“Yes, you can. Just like the trees, they know how to adapt and suit to anyplace so they can be most of everywhere and they are necessary to fill in garden, on road sides, in park, on mountain, even in dessert” He said in the matter of fact and because trees just came to him first thing.

“I am a grain of sand though” Juhyun argued and kept her head down.

Yonghwa was about to say something but then she looked up and said…

“You are right, I will act as trees”

You will act as trees?