♦It's not the goodbye that hurts, it's the flashbacks that follow♦

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After she talked with her mother Jessica tried to get some rest but she couldn't. So many things were going through her mind that couldn't let her sleep. She felt so miserable and so horrible that she just sa on her place and quietl cried, hiding her red eyes behind her dark sunglasses ignoring everything around her. Memories were passing through her mind of those couple of months in Chicago. Donghae being the first person she met there, moving in her new apartment, meeting Yuri, Henry and the SHINee boys... Yuri. A good and pretty girl who had so many plans for her future and she always shared them with Jessica. She never failed to make her laugh and make her day. She was her next door neighbour and she welcomed her to warmly. They spent so many nights talking, watching movies and just enjoying each others company. By what she saw last night, Yuri was interested in Minho and she spent the whole evening with him so Jessica knew that something will going on between them and she was happy for her. She won't be around to see her friend happy and to be her support like Yuri was to her. She was her first and only girl friend there, a girl with a pure heart who always gave the best advices and Jessica felt horrible for leaving ike that, without saying a simple goodbye. Not just Yuri, but Henry and the SHINee boys too who welcomed her to warmly on their practice when she first came. She was nervous meeting them but from the start, they were so friendly to her and treated her like she was their friend for years. Jessica knew that Henry will be by Donghae's side along with the five singers. So many fun memories came to her. Movie nights with the guys, all the laughs and jokes they said. She couldn't help but to smile to those fun times. They were so good to her, yet she failed them as a friend. She did something she never wanted to do. Remembering all those times she spent with all of them Jessica started to cry even harder.

She was scared, sad, worried and miserable just like she was before she came to Chicago. In one word a mess. She was hating herself so much for leaving without saying why. For hurting someone she never wanted to hurt, for failing and letting people in her life so quickly, for making them trust her, love her. Most of all she hated herself because she fell for him. Something she shouldn't do. She finally fell asleep exhausted from all the crying.

The voice of the pilot announcing that they will be landing in 10 minutes woke her up. It was a sunny day and there wasn't a cloud in the sky giving her the perfect view of her hometown. She stared out the little window feeling numb from all the crying. Her eyes were burning and hurting her and he felt exhausted. She slept for 2 hours tops but she still felt horrible. She texted her mom that she'll come in 40 minutes. Her parents house was half an hour away from the airport. 

After the plane landed she took her suitcase and other bags and called a cab so he can drive her home. As she was driving on the streets of San Francisco, she felt peace for a little while. She missed her hometown and all the memories she had there. The last time she was home was when she left her daughter at her parents house in tears and fear. It was the beggining of February and one of the worst days in Jessica's life. The image of her little girl peacefully sleeping as she was leaving the house was something that was always on her mind at night when she felt homesick. She then left for Seoul and then to Chicago. Now it was August, a warm and sunny day and she's still feeling the same. Ashley was her bright spot and besides her family, the only thing that can make her feel better.

When the cab left her in front of her family house she payed the driver and took her stuff. She noticed right on the entrance how her mother was taking good care of her flowers. The garden was full of colors, proudly showing their beauty. Jessica smiled seeing them, remembering how empty and cold the garden was when she was leaving. She knocked on the door feeling butterflies in her stomach and with tears in her eyes.

"Sooyeon!" Krystal screamed and tightly hugged her older sister who was now crying again. Two sisters were meeting each other finally after 6 long months. Jessica often called Krystal to tell her everything about Donghae and she knew Jessica didn't told him anything about her life in Canada or Ashley. She knew how much her sister was suffering for leaving him like this and how scared she was since Kris is back. Anyhow, it was wonderful to finally hug her again after so long. 

"You're so pretty Soojung-ah." Jessica said passing through her sister's  brown hair after they broke their hug. At that time their parents came after hearing Krystal screaming. They hugged their oldest daughter who couldn't stop crying. 

"Darling don't cry, you're home now." her father said washing her tears with his thumb. Jessica smiled and nodded in response. He took her things and put the in her old bedroom. 

"Mom, where's Ashley?" Jessica asked as she came in the house. 

"She's in the living room playing. She's been asking about you the whole morning and she's really excited to see you." the woman replied. The three of them came to the living room to see the baby girl playing with her toys. She didn't notice them until Jessica called her.

"Ashley baby, mommy is here." Jessica said softly. Two big black eyes looked at the blonde and little lips formed a smile. Ashley forgot about her toys completly and slowly got up from the white fluffy carpet to walk to her mother. She was still learning so she carefully took step by step to meet her mother.

"Mommy!" she said reaching her two little hands, asking for her mother to hold her. Jessica picked the little girl up and spin her around like she always did and then hugged her. She felt peacefull after 6 months of not being able to hug her daughter. She missed her so much and besides her parents and sister, Ashley made her forget all the trouble she has now. Those big eyes full of pureness and that wonderful laughter erased every pain in her for a second. 

The little girl was playing with her mother's blonde lock as she was showering her with kisses all over her face making her laugh. Jessica's parents and sister were obsvering them aside, feeling so happy that Jessica was finally with her baby girl. They knew how much she suffered for being away from her. There's nothing more painful then to leave your child like that, but she had to, for Ashley's good.

"Jessica are you hungry?" her mother asked.

"Not really mom." she replied with her eyes still on Ashley. 

"You look tired and you need something to eat, just a little bit. I made pancakes and there's a few left. Please eat a little." the woman tried to convice her. Jessica really didn't have time to eat anything since her mother called her early in the morning and she wasn't in the mood to eat on the plane. She looked paler than usual so her mother worried. She listened to her mother and finally went to eat something. She didn't want to leave Ashely alone so she never left her from her arms. 

Her little girl was sitting in her high chair next to her mother who forced herself to eat. Her mother noticed how exhausted she was and got worried.

"Honey are you okay?" she asked.

"I'm trying to be okay..." she said in a soft voice of hers, trying not to cry.

"We know that it's been hard for you and now since Kris is back you have to be strong for yourself and Ashley." Krystal continued in a worried tone. 

"Did he came here?" Jessica instantly asked.

"No. We called you so you can take Ashley back to Seoul, Chicago or someplace else since this is the first place he'll look." her mother explained. 

Ever since Jessica filled for divorce Kris wanted to take Ashley with him, but knowing that his surrounded by dangerous people and that he was also dangerous she refused and since then nothing is going well for her. Kris left for China a few months ago and now he's back to get Ashley. Jessica knew her mother was right, but she couldn't go back to Chicago after she left without a single explanation. Seoul was the only place she could run since Kris doesn't know about her trip there. 

"We'll leave tomorrow night for Seoul. I'll call Tiffany and let her know." she said.

Tiffany is Jessica's childhood friend. The two of them lived one house next to the other and their families know each other very well. They were her big support when her mother died and helped her father and brother and sister in every way possible. Tiffany left for Seoul to open her nail salon and that buisness is going very well for her since she opened two stores there. 

After she ate, Jessica decided to rest a bit since she was exhausted. Ashley wanted to go with her so Jessica took her to sleep with her.

"Mommy, can you sing me a song?" the little girl said as they were climbing up the stairs.

"Of course princess, which song do you want mommy to sing to you?" she asked.

"Heaven." the little girl replied resting her little head on Jessica's shoulder. It was a song she often sang to put Ashley asleep and it was also her favorite song which she often sang with Tiffany way before Ashley was born.

They went to Jessica's old bedroom. Entering, she noticed how nothing changed. Pictures of her and Tiffany were on the wall when they were little, pictures of Krystal as a little baby and Jessica holding her. Everything was the same, filled with memories of a happy life she had before. It brought her bittersweet memories. 

"Sing to me please mommy." a little sweet voice said. Jessica kissed the girl's curly hair and started to sing a known song walking around the room slowly.

(Listen:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8SHLBptnRo)

Singing, Jessica tightly hugged her baby girl not wanting to let her go ever again. Nothing could take her away from Jessica, not even Kris, no one. She was finally with her little angel and that was something she cherished a lot. Singing the lyrics she could easily find Donghae in them. She needed him now more than ever. She needed him to tell her that everything will be okay, that she's strong, but he was her past now because she ruined everything. She remember those wonderful nights she had with him simply lying in his arms, forgetting about every problem she had, every pain. A scenario of him being a perfect father to Ashley often came to her mind because she wanted that more than ever. Everything she ever  wanted with him was now only a hopeless dream.

Ashley fell asleep quickly and Jessica put her on her big bed and layed next to her, crying in silent. She hugged her little girl and fell asleep in tears, heartbroken and scared, something she didn't want to do ever again.

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HAAAAAAAAAAY GUYS, I'M BACK!!!!! Gosh I missed you! I hope you missed me and I promise to make it up to you for not being around. I really cleared my mind during my vacation and I'm ready for all the challenges the autumn will bring to me! So I hope you guys like this chapter. Please surprise me with nice comments and please subscribe and upvote. I noticed a few new subscribers which made me happy, so...hi! I hope you like my story and that you will support it till the end. 

One more thing, since this is a Donghae story and most of my subscribers like Donghae/Haesica and I noticed a few Exotics I'll leave this here http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/787525/just-keep-swimming-donghae-drama-romance-superjunior-you-exo-chanyeol 

This is currently my favorite story and it needs more love because it's awesome! I really enjoy reading it. Please check out this great story and the authors themselves who have great other stories! Please give some love to them! Thank you <3