Jaejoong

I put on some new clothes while I could still feel the heavy thumbs of my heart. I felt the urge to just run away, but after all, I was hungry though and I knew I should be thankful for being able to get on this holiday.

“Act normal! Keep distance and act normal!” I told myself over and over again, while I was waiting for Yunho to be done. After a while he left the bathroom fully clothed and handsome-looking as ever. I cleared my throat.

“Let’s go, I’m hungry.” I said. He nodded and we left our room without another word. When we left the hotel, the sunlight was lightly shining and the sky was totally blue. It was a wonderful sight and it felt wonderful to walk to the café during that weather. But still it was kinda cool because it was still morning so I buried my hands in my pockets. Soon we arrived at the café and sat down at a table next to a window. We ordered and then an awkward silence appeared. We both hushed and looked out of the window. I was totally relieved when the waiter came and brought us our food. At some point the weather suddenly changed and dark rain clouds crowded the sky.

“Do you have an umbrella with you?” I asked when it started to rain. When I looked up to him it seemed like he was kinda surprised at the fact that I was actually TALKING to him. But after a moment he looked at his food again and answered:

“No.”

Silence again.

“Jae?”

“Yeah?”

“Are we just going to hush forever or are you willing to talk about it?”

I was about to ask ‘talk about what?’ but I knew exactly what he was talking about. But sometimes I just wished to be unknowing.

“Fine. Let’s talk. You start.” I said and continued to eat. I heard him sigh.

“First of all, I’m sorry for upsetting you yesterday. But if you hadn’t run away and I hadn’t gotten drunk, then maybe last night wouldn’t ever have happened.”

I hesitated. My appetite started to fade away.

“Do you...wish that it would’ve never happened?” I asked already preparing myself to get hurt. For a few seconds he didn’t answer and I started to play with my food because I wasn’t planning to eat it anymore. I tried to chase away my nervousness.

“What I was trying to say is that I can’t be fully sorry for making you upset because I would regret it if last night hadn’t happened.”

“What?”

Now he stopped eating, too.

“Look, Jae~ I don’t know what it is, but something changed. I don’t know why or when or what, I just know that it happened. I wouldn’t undo what I did if I could turn back the time.”

I was gobsmacked. What was he talking about? Where did that nonsense come from? How could he suddenly change his mind about us? Was he pitying me? My mind was full of questions. It was a huge chaos. I was too confused to think. I opened my mouth but words didn’t want to leave me.

“I wanted to kiss you this morning because I wasn’t able to hold back and I still aren’t. I can’t control myself when I’m with you now.” he said and it drove the last sanity out of me. I jumped up and hastened away out of the café. When I started to get soaking wet I remembered that it was raining. I had totally forgotten about that. I just stood there kind of perplexed and felt the coldness get through to my body.

“Jaejoong!” I heard Yunho call. I wanted to run away but my feet didn’t move. He reached me and turned me around to face him.

“Jae, please~ Talk to me! Why did you push me away? Was I too harsh? Did I do something wrong?”

“Yunho…that’s…that’s crazy! You’re not in your right state of mind! You’re still…-“

“I’m not drunk anymore. I know quite clear what I want and what I need and…what I feel.” he interrupted me. I looked at him with a mix of confusion and despair and disbelief. He was now soaking wet, too.

“Why are you hushing? Jae?”

“I can’t do it.”

“What?”

“I can’t be with you.”

“Why? Are you…I mean…did your feelings for me change?

Yunho

His hushing drove me crazy. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. His wet-soaked hair was stinging to his face and the waterdrops on his face made it look even more beautiful. I wanted to warm him. I wanted to hug him, to kiss him to lose myself in his lips, but he looked at me as if that was a one-sided wish.

“Yunho…I’m sorry, but you h-hurt me for too often.” His voice trembled a little when he said ‘hurt’.

“I know it’s not your fault. But I just can’t do this anymore. And to be honest I don’t understand how your feelings could suddenly change and I don’t really believe it. I’m sorry…but I don’t want this in my life. I don’t want YOU in my life.” he said. Without waiting for an answer he turned around and walked away. The rainclouds were crying for me but I myself wasn’t even able to. My heart felt like it had stopped beating and I felt dizzy when the walking figure in front of me started to be vanished by the rain and disappeared.