Baekhyun wishes the rest of the night would hurry up and end already. He’s not usually this anxious for a performance to be over—he loves the stage, loves being on it – but after that raucous intermission he’s more than ready to put his own selfish love of entertaining aside in favor of getting Kai as far away from this place as he can get. Their distraction in the hallway notwithstanding, his boyfriend is moodier than ever when the curtain goes back up. He hangs out now on stage left, instead of stage right where his mother is most often to be found, and while he still watches most of the numbers, he is less visibly enthralled by them, even when it’s Baekhyun’s turn to dance.

Even Suho knows something is wrong when he and Baekhyun exit the wings together. “What’s eating at Kai?” he asks.

Baekhyun gulps down a swallow of water heavily and doesn’t respond. Instead he walks over to where Kai stands glumly and pokes him in the ribs. At least that gets a response.

“Finally you smile,” Baekhyun admits, applying a few more fingers in areas he knows are a bit ticklish.

Kai squirms. “Ah-ha stop! Baekhyun stop it!” he whispers as loudly as he can, unable to repress the toothy grin he’s been hiding most of the night.

“You want me to stop?” Baekhun teases. “Then cheer up. You’re making Suho depressed, and that’s a feat if even he cares enough to mope over you.”

“He doesn’t look like he’s moping over me,” Kai says, when Baekhyun finally relinquishes his tickling. They both look and confirm that indeed, Suho is more in his own little world, hands on hips observing the stage.

“Yeah? Well maybe he has hidden depths we’re just not aware of.”

“Okay. I’ll take your word for you.”

“You should take my word for a lot of things. Like smiling!  You’re super cute when you smile, did you know that?” Baekhyun slides behind Kai’s back and steals a quick hug.

“Maybe?” He grins and crushes Baekhyun’s arms to the front of his body.

“Maybe? Oh, so you do know?”

“Well, yeah. I mean what else are mirrors for, if not for perfecting my killer smiles?”

Baekhyun snorts into Kai’s shoulder, shaking his head in a way that lets his boyfriend know how much he disapproves, but not really. At least he succeeded in lightening the air though, and that’s all he cares about. The sooner they can leave, the sooner he can get Kai away from this auditorium and out into a different environment so maybe he can persuade Kai to get everything off his chest… He doesn’t even care so much about the answers anymore. Baekhyun just doesn’t want Kai to hurt, and being stuck in this building for a few more hours isn’t helping either of them. At least he’s got his attention though.

Arms still crushed around his middle, Kai slides his hands back and forth atop Baekhyun’s, using just his fingertips to caress the intersections of his digits. Baekhyun shivers involuntarily and tries to collapse his hands into fists.

Kai chuckles. “Who’s the ticklish one now, huh?”

“It’s not ticklish, it’s just…”

“Relax your hands, Baek.” He gently loosens Baekhyun’s grip and interlaces his own fingers through them, clutching at them delicately. He holds their linked left hands up to the light, rotates his hand around so their palms touch. Baekhyun tries to once more entwine their fingers, but Kai forces them up again so that the pads of their fingertips touch, staring at their pressed palms with no lack of wonderment.

“Your hands are beautiful, Baek. Did you know that?”

“What?”

“I don’t know why. They just are.”

He shifts his hands so that it blocks the light between Baekhyun’s spread fingers and hums in appreciation, ten fingers working like a kaleidoscope in the shadow of the blue backstage lighting. Baekhyun feels his mouth going dry from the touch. In profile Kai reminds him of a kid handling a precious new toy. Kai clamps down and squeezes Baekhyun’s hand, returning them to his chest in a motion that causes Baekhyun to hug Kai even closer. His heels leave the ground a little before Kai releases him for good and swivels around to face him.

“Your next number.”

“Huh?” Baekhyun can’t remember where he is supposed to go next.

“It’s coming up soon, right? You should hurry up and get ready for it.”

“Ahh, right. I’ll be back then.”

His dressing room is empty when he gets to it. Closing the door he reaches for his next costume change but he halts when he sees his own hand outstretched. He’s never even thought about his hands before now. How could his hands be considered beautiful? He doesn’t wear any rings; his nails are kept clipped in a regular manner and he doesn’t even bother painting them with that clear polish that Tao’s always suggesting he try. His hands are just normal, aren’t they? A little long, a little bony, but otherwise not particularly special. He makes a note to ask Kai one day just what about his hands could be so fascinating. Maybe his boyfriend just has a hands though. With some guys you just don’t know what they’ll like until it turns them on.

Finally the night is over. Baekhyun stands on the stage with his fellow members for the final bows, holding hands with Tao on his left and Minseok on his right. Both dancers' hands are clammy with sweat but they cling on through the final procession until Minseok steps forward with Luhan for their principal recognition bow. The lights come up in the audience and as his eyes adjust he notes that the auditorium is nearly full: some college students with a majority of guests in the middle-age professional class range. Baekhyun tries and fails to see if his friends came out this night. Chanyeol promised to show either today or tomorrow, but since he hasn't heard anything from the guy all day, he can't be sure if there's anyone in the audience he really cares about. All the more reason to get done and get off. The curtain closes for the last time and Baekhyun finally drops his smile in favor of looking whipped. A few of the dancers drop to the floor in exhaustion.

“Sleep! I need sleep!” Tao whines pitifully. He doesn't even stop to chat before disappearing into the wings making a beeline for his dressing room. Baekhyun starts to follow but finds his way is barred by a body on the ground. At first glance it's just Suho laying down to rest, and he nearly steps over him until he catches sight of the man's face. 

“Suho? Suho, what's wrong?”

The soloist doesn't answer, but his expression is pained. He groans and tries to sit up but he doesn't make it far before collapsing back onto the ground. He pulls his right knee up planting his foot flat, and that's when Baekhyun notices the other foot, the ankle Suho complained about hours earlier. He hadn't noticed it before because Suho's pant legs must've covered it up. The pant leg had ridden up though, caught against the fibers of the floor, and the ankle - a very visible, swollen ankle - lay bared for all the world to see.

“Damnit, Suho. What have you done to yourself?” Baekhyun curses. His words bring over a crowd of dancers and some of the directors. 

“It's not bad,” Suho wheezes. 

“What do you mean 'It's not bad!'? It looks horrible! How are you even walking on that?”

“Well I'm not walking on it right now, am I?” he retorts. He sighs though, an air of finality coursing through him, like he knows the game is up and it's just as bad as Baekhyun claims. “Crap. How am I going to dance tomorrow?” He whines.

Mrs. Kim hovers over them now. “You're not dancing on that at all tomorrow,” she says staunchly. “Someone, help. Let's get him up off the floor. Dressing room, now.”

Baekhyun offers to be one of the supports that hold Suho up, and with a few of the others they manage to half walk half carry Suho to his room. He sinks into a chair and Baekhyun pulls up a stool for Suho to prop his foot on. Mrs. Kim gingerly examines the ankle while Suho winces at the touch. She sighs loudly, and Baekhyun can tell she's angry at the dancer for lying about his injury and making it worse. She'll yell at Suho later, he guarantees. After they've decided what's to be done. There is still another performance tomorrow night, and with a soloist down and no real understudy, this is going to be a problem. Suho doesn't just have his own numbers to perform. Like Baekhyun, his part is vital in a number of ensemble and group routines. No doubt there will have to be some hard decisions made tonight, but in the meantime Mrs. Kim is all business. 

“Baekhyun, roll that towel up and put it under his foot. Ms. Jung, find us some ice, please. Krystal, the bandages wraps. They should be in the first room at the end of the hallway in the first aid kit we brought from the studio. Alright, now everyone who isn't staff can leave, but don't go far. I'll be out in just a moment.”

Baekhyun closes the door behind them and realizes belatedly that Kai was standing in the doorway the whole time. He gives himself a fright when he bumps into him just outside the door.

“How... bad is the ankle?” Kai asks, worried.

“Not good at all. He's definitely not dancing tomorrow. Idiot.” Baekhyun sighs. He feels mildly irritated at himself for not noticing Suho's state. Then again, nobody noticed it, and with all his dressing roommates abandoning him for other rooms, Suho probably had the whole of his room to hide the injury. Suho always did like the tough guy act. Now he's suffering for it.

“Is it a sprain?”

“Looks like it, probably. Who knows how long he's been dancing with a twisted ankle. Now he's just gone and made it worse.” Baekhyun moves aside as Ms. Jung runs by with a bag full of ice, closely followed by Krystal with the bandages to make a compress. He and Kai stand shoulder to shoulder against the wall outside Suho's room, not speaking. Probably he should go and get changed out of these clothes, but for some reason Baekhyun is loathe to leave this spot on the hall, like it's his job to wait around and say something comforting to Suho when he has the chance, even if it's to chide him about his state. Nobody else was standing around waiting except for Kai.

Mrs. Kim comes out five minutes later, mind torn as she notices the two waiting outside. For once Kai doesn't look that pissed off to see her, and she merely nods to the two of them before crooking her head in an angle that says follow me. Baekhyun stares longingly at the closed door behind her, but he follows her anyway. Back on the stage she calls a meeting to order with all the choreographers and top members in the company. Minseok and Luhan creep out on the stage, looking just as exhausted and apprehensive as Baekhyun feels. His heart sinks when Mrs. Kim starts to speak.

“Well, it was a good night tonight, and I thank all of you for that. I wish had time to say something more congratulatory, but as you know we have a problem. Suho definitely won't be dancing tomorrow, or in the very near future. That leaves us with a big hole for tomorrow night, and not a whole lot of time to fill it. Any suggestions?” she asks the staff.

Baekhyun doesn't know why they've all been asked to assemble. The choreographers begin a large roundabout discussion of what roles are now endangered, and how such a hole will affect the performances for each set of the show. A few suggest cutting some numbers entirely, but with the exception of Suho's actual solo, Mrs. Kim shoots down the suggestion. “No, we just need to fill in the gap and/or put other people in that position if we must.”

The company dancers perk up at this. Luhan is the first to confusedly object. “But there is no understudy!” 

“How and when are we supposed to revise these numbers?” complains another girl, one of the female soloists. 

“Right now and tomorrow, to answer part of your questions,” says Mrs. Kim with a firm tone. She looks around the company, daring anyone to object. “As for the understudy: yes, you're correct we don't have any one person, however, we do have a few people who could be asked to fill in for certain roles. Minseok, congratulations. You now have two roles in the first half. I think–” she looks over to confirm with one of the instructors  ”–that you can pick up all the extra measures in the first set that belonged to Suho.”

“Yes, instead of exiting, he will just remain on stage for that time,” the instructor confirms.

Minseok nods sadly, his professionalism barely masking his actual dread demeanor. 

Mrs. Kim and the choreographers dole out a few other parts accordingly, until every principal and soloist including Baekhyun find themselves with an extra workload and slotted work times to learn the parts. Nobody will be sleeping well tonight, he thinks – if they sleep at all. Mrs. Kim dismisses half the dancers who depart to various corners of the stage to begin the revisions. Baekhyun stands up, Kai still at his heels, and yawns heavily. He's already anticipating a few more sleepless hours.  He can't help but count up in his head all of Suho's parts when he realizes that there are still a few vital roles left unassigned, and not a single company member remains available to dance them. Kai rubs at his shoulders while Baekhyun frowns, wondering if and when those roles were to be addressed. Then he feels the presence of his boyfriend's mother bearing down on them. 

“Kai,” she says hesitantly.

Kai wheels around and looks at her terrified. Baekhyun's heart stills. No please don't ask him, he begs.

“Kai...” she repeats, even more softly.

Her son’s eyes widen in sudden understanding. “What... mom... no...”

“Kai, we've got very little choice here. You've been around the studio often enough, you know kind of what the parts are-”

“Mom, I can't.” His eyebrows furrow, some of his initial terror giving way to hint at the same kind of furor he felt earlier in the evening. Incredulously, he pleads with his mother through body language, clenching his hands and pressing his teeth close down on the opposing jaw.

“Of course you can!”

“No... I can't! You can't just spring this upon me!” 

Baekhyun takes a hold of his arm, but Kai barely even notices the pressure he applies.

“Kai, it's not that big of a deal. You can do it. Two small parts max.”

“Mom, I can't! I couldn't even if I wanted to! Yes, I've been around the studio. Yes, I kind of know what to expect, but have you even considered that I'm not fit to dance right now? I haven't been dancing!” He swings his arm in exasperation, still not aware that by moving like that, he's tugging Baekhyun along too. Baekhyun lets go.  ”I don't work out. I'm not fit. My body physically won't work like that.”

Mrs. Kim blanches, painfully. “Kai, I...”

“You just lost one dancer to injury. You want to push me the same way? I tried dancing a week ago. It hurt. I'm not built for this right now, and as a dancer yourself you ought to understand this more than most.”

“I... I thought you had been trying to do small things again. Haven't... haven't you been practicing with Baekhyun?” She looks over at the dancer in question, and he gives her a pitiful shake of the head. Baekhyun sees the spark of hope truly die in her in that moment. Now he understands why she was always so happy when Baekhyun stayed after hours to rehearse extra. She knew he stayed behind with Kai, but she never expected that Kai never danced. He was his tutor, his mentor, his teacher and support. He knew how to make Baekhyun better, how to challenge him, how to get the best out of his boyfriend's abilities by his mere presence. Baekhyun never asked that Kai dance with him, not after the first day. Not after the second day when he noted wordlessly that Kai was happy enough to watch than to actually participate. And maybe Baekhyun thought too that when he wasn't with him, Kai was trying things out on his own, embarrassed perhaps by his own flagging abilities, but he never actually saw him dancing, and he never asked.

Kai literally fumes before his eyes now, uncaring of the spectacle they're creating, of the eyes all across the room that have stopped to stare. Baekhyun thinks he'll break down completely when he suddenly gets an idea.

“Yixing,” he whispers. Mrs. Kim looks at him questioningly, as if she didn't quite hear what he said. “Yixing,” he says again louder.  

“What?”

“He's been around the studio. He's been sitting in watching rehearsals sometimes, hasn't he?” Ms. Jung interrupts to say she'd seen him moments ago around the stage door. 

Kai breathes a little more steadily now, something that doesn't escape his mother's notice. “Find him,” she says, unable to meet Kai's bold, judging gaze. “Tell him we have an emergency and if he can help, that would be great.” 

The crowd disperses and Kai considers that to be his dismissal. Once again though, he doesn't go very far and Baekhyun finds him in the corner of the wings sitting down with his head between his knees on a stack of tumbling mats. Baekhyun sits beside him and places a hand on his knee. They don't speak for a few moments, nor does Baekhyun receive a word of acknowledgment from Kai. The choreographer is waiting though, so Baekhyun can't sit around all night. He pushes lightly on Kai's knee as he stands up and takes one step to leave when Kai grabs at his hand. He turns around. 

“Thank you,” Kai murmurs. 

“Huh?”

“Thank you. For thinking of Yixing when you did.”

“No... problem?” 

Kai sniffs, though the sound is more of amusement than one of loss. He lets go of Baekhyun hand and scoots backwards on the mats until he can swing his legs up on them completely. Then he leans back, knees up and cups his hands behind his head. 

“What are you doing?” asks Baekhyun.

“Me? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm going to nap though until you come back and wake me up.”

“Alright...” Baekhyun runs a hand across Kai's scalp, tugging gently at the hairs. He's otherwise at a loss for what to do for Kai right now. So much for getting out of this place early.

“Don't leave and forget about me,” Kai whispers sleepily, his eyes closed.

“I won't.”

Kai doesn't stir again until he feels the mats shift from someone's added weight. How long has he been out? Twenty minutes? Thirty minutes? An hour? Truthfully he'd prefer if he didn't have to keep track of the time. He'd gladly lose hours of consciousness if just to be finished with this day. He doesn't know what possessed him to stick around this place all evening. Well actually he does know, and he wouldn't do anything differently if he could, because spending time with Baekhyun is always worth it.

“Baekhyun?” He flutters his eyes open, praying it really is his boyfriend and not someone else. He doesn't want to face anyone else tonight.

“Speaking.” Comes the softly teasing voice. “Wake up, Kai. It's late.”

Kai moans and tries to remember how to move his body. His back is stiff from the awkard position he's been napping in, and he'd rolled over onto his right arm, now completely numb. He grimaces as the tingling feeling seeps back into the sleeping arm and breathes reassured when he feels Baekhyun pulling him upright. He swings his legs lethargically to the floor and looks up at Baekhyun's smiling, tired face.

“Can we go home now?”

Baekhyun clears his throat. “Sure, Kai. Let’s get you home.”

Ten minutes later he follows Baekhyun and Tao onto their bus. They carry minimal bags since most of their things can be left overnight in their dressing rooms. Kai heads to a seat halfway back and Baekhyun follows him, leaving Tao to find his own seat. He wonders if this will make things awkward between the two roommates, but at this point he hardly cares. All he knows is that he doesn’t want to let Baekhyun out of his sight, something his boyfriend realizes soon enough when Kai doesn’t pull the rope to signal for his stop. He gets off when Baekhyun does, purposefully ignoring Baekhyun’s awkward fidgeting and Tao’s blank, curious glances. His sleepy-tired act really isn’t a feint, though he thinks it’s helping him because Baekhyun doesn’t bother to question why Kai is following him home. 

Baekhyun’s apartment is tiny. Kai nearly trips over all the shoes in the doorway, a belt lies over the side of the couch and this morning’s (or lunch’s) dishes haven’t been cleared away from the table, but Kai thinks it’s homey. Tao walks straight to his room leaving the two by themselves.

“Are you hungry?” Baekhyun asks, as Kai plummets into his couch, curling up in the nearest blanket.

“No.”

“Thirsty?”

“No.”

He hears Baekhyun open and close the fridge anyway and get himself something to drink.

“Cuddly?” Baekhyun asks a moment later.

Kai smiles halfway under his blanket. “Now you’re talking.” He sits up just enough to make room for Baekhyun to join him, and then pulls the blanket back over them both. “Can’t I just sleep here?” he whines.

Baekhyun chuckles softly, belying the nervousness that even Kai can feel despite his sleepy state. “Well it’s obvious you aren’t going anywhere else tonight. You want me to kick you to the curb? I think that’s the only way I could physically get you out now.”

“You’d be mean,” Kai moans.

“I’d also probably find you still on the curb come morning, wouldn’t I?”

Kai mumbles and leans the side of his head onto Baekhyun’s shoulder. The silence is comfortable and Kai revels in it, as much as a person can revel when he’s too tired to even think straight. Baekhyun would have to shift though. His elbow finds Kai’s ribs and the squawk Kai makes is just loud enough to his own ears that it wakes him up a bit. A wall clock hangs above Baekhyun and Tao’s TV and he squints at it to discern the time.

“Don’t bother,” Baekhyun says. “It ran out of batteries a few weeks ago and we haven’t replaced it. It’s perpetually 6:07 am. How depressing is that?”

“So it’s not yet 6:00 am? That’s good to know.”

“Yep. It’s only 3:00 am. Much better,” Baekhyun scoffs.

“Am I keeping you awake?”

“No. I’m almost too tired to sleep.” It's probably a lie, but Kai loves him for it. 

“Tomorrow’s still a long day for you.”

“I’d much rather spend time with you right now. I wish we could’ve left that place so much sooner though. I'm starting to wish it was me who sprained an ankle. Suho's getting off too easy.” He sighs heavily.

“Here is a lot better,” Kai agrees. Baekhyun slides one arm around to get a better hold on Kai's body, and Kai agrees even more. They sit in silence and Kai wishes he could fall asleep, but now that he has Baekhyun again he just can't make himself do it. “I've been there before,” he says finally.

“What? Where? That auditorium?”

“Yes. When I was fifteen. It was one of the last places I performed at before—” Is he really going to do this now? When they're both so exhausted? 

“Before…” Baekhyun aids him on. 

Kai swallows heavily, figuring now is as good time as any. “Before my body… ” he falters again. Three in the morning? Maybe it's best to do this when he hasn't the energy to fight it. “Before it literally started falling apart.”

“What do you mean?” And here it starts. 

Kai pulls an arm up to ruffle his hair in frustration. Talking about this, using words, is always hard for him. Either people just don’t understand what you’re trying to say because you’re not a medical person and you can’t explain it well, or otherwise they just don’t know the terminology you had to memorize yourself. Even worse though, Kai feels, are the looks of sympathy. And most of the time it’s not even that, it’s just curiosity as you explain yourself. Nothing more, nothing less. At least when he moved away he didn’t need to explain to anyone why this was so hard for him. Fix the problem, treat the problem, and you don’t have to tell anyone that once upon a time you were a dancer with a future. And now you’re just a person, a body whose body is patched up temporarily, waiting for the next meltdown as you go about your business finding another purpose in life.

He’s already gotten to that point too, so why it’s bothering him now, why his stomach churns now after all this time, he doesn’t know. Because it’s Baekhyun? A dancer like Kai used to be, someone who will know full well what it means to be put out physically from your dream. A person who’s guaranteed to feel for him. It’s not that Kai doesn’t want Baekhyun’s pity. He knows he won’t get that dreaded pity either, because Baekhyun just isn't like that. He'd chosen well in his long term crush, and that comforts him right now, because he knows this could be a whole lot worse. It's still hard though. Instead of the pity he knows he’ll get something closer to Baekhyun’s arms around him and probably a kiss on the forehead and some more cuddling. And he won’t deny he wants those things too, but not because of... this.

He wants Baekhyun to really get him, but even that's intimidating. Because he’s scared that the more people who know his secrets, the more people get close to him, the more he’ll rethink his resolve to not to return to dance. He’s happy like this. Can’t he just remain happy like this? There's no way he'll be able to say this in words. 

“Do you have a piece of paper?” Kai asks, startling Baekhyun from his careful, loving inspection of Kai’s face.

“Paper? Yes… Pen too?”

“No, better make it a pencil. I can't draw worth crap.” 

“Okay...”

Baekhyun stands up and returns quickly with some scrap notebook paper. He hands it to Kai who sits up. He pushes the blanket away from his lap, leans forward to drag the coffee table closer to him, and stares at the paper. Then he puts his pencil down and begins to draw: a circle for the head, some squiggles, curves, lines for the arms and legs, and just to top it off a few hairs on his head. The blank smiley he adds last. 

“This is me,” Kai says. “If you were to look at an X-ray, this is what I look like.”

4,618 words

La la la...oh hey! Look what news I just dropped on all of you guys. :)

FYI, this is been my plan from chap 1 even though I didn't know exactly what physical ailment I would go with. It just turned out to be harder to write this than I thought because you see, Plan A was to research some mild to serious spinal deformity that I didn't know too much about. What I ended up going with was this Plan B stick-figure drawing, which while fairly describing Kai's internal bone structure, it is also a self-portrait of myself (just with more hair). So you may jump to all your wildest conclusions that this story and Kai's angst has some resemblance to my life, though I like to think I'm less dramatic than he is about things, and I'm also older (and a bit wiser). But yeah, all of y'all thought that Kai was just taking his sweet time telling this story, but it's really been me all along because I wasn't sure how much I wanted to reveal. It's emotional, y'know. :)

Good news for everyone, the ball is dropped. We can move on with our lives now. Hooray! But don't think I'm anywhere near done with the fic. This is the turning point for Kai. And I'm just as anxious to see how he and Baekhyun cope from here on out!

P.S. if you're looking at that drawing and thinking 'wtf is Rosie trying to show here', it'll all be explained in actual words next chap.

<3 Rosie