Don't you love it anymore?

Kai asks himself the question for possibly the hundredth time today, staring at his reflection in the mirror of the empty dance studio. He hasn't bothered to turn on all the lights but the afternoon sun illuminates the room sufficiently for his purposes. In his mind he sees a younger version of himself, powerful and flexible, and if he dares to remember, y. He was no fool. He remembers how people used to look at him, both on the stage and off of it, so he knows how heads turned and jaws dropped, his presence blowing away all others. Sehun used to call him a cocky little bastard, and Kai owned that title proudly. Until it was all taken away from him.

Don't you love it anymore?

What a dumb question. Of course he loves it. Dance. The stage. The reverence and admiration of his peers, how he could communicate with a cold audience and turn them into a braying mass of hysteria. Kai was always one for perceived dramatics. His God-given talents, honed and perfected from years of training and dedication, were just his way of reciprocating to the world what his love for the art compelled him to do. But even if you took away his confidence, he'd still love it. Idolized he might have been, yet behind that he was still a boy doing what he loved most, and he had deep respect for the profession and for his seniors and teachers and for all the artists who had paved the way. That part at least hasn't changed. But Kai himself has changed. The person who looks back at him today is not the same dancer of several years ago. 

He hears the music in his head. His right leg slides across the floor, extended to the tips of his toes before it recoils, knee turning inward and a hand shoots out to balance the movement. His long fingers reach out and his head follows as the body contracts, and his arm retracts in a swoosh of air. Both feet press into the ground and with a great breathe he jumps into the air. His fists press down, and his feet ache to leave the floor, but his face searches the ceiling for a swift moment until gravity brings them down. He lands with bent knees, and with the instincts of his youth he launches once more into the air. Both arms shoot straight up beside his head as his body arches, and he takes just enough airtime to flip his feet over on themselves so that the tops of his toes ground into the floor for a split second, before his tops of his feet and shins bear all the weight. His knees crash into the floor in a well controlled dive and the body follows, hunched over and breathless. Kai pants from the sudden exertion, clutching the floor in wondrous exhaustion, and then he feels it. The strain in his back, the suddenly overworked muscles in his thighs, the bang on the caps of his knees that are sure to bruise. Even his palms ache from the collision that several years ago he wouldn't have noticed. He's nineteen and he feels old. Old and foolish for trying such a move on cold, un-warmed muscles, on a body that hasn't felt such a thing in far too long, and maybe should never feel again. 

Don't you love it anymore?

Yes he loves it, but not everything in life remains the same. People grow and mature, and things happen that you wouldn't expect when life takes you on a different path. He's like a boy used to only one love and one pursuit, and a light at the end of a tunnel that he follows shamelessly, until he breaches the opening at the end and finds something very different instead. 

Kai rolls over and rubs the shallow dust off his hands. Tenderly he brushes one knee and massages a shoulder with the other hand, and once again he stares at himself in the mirror. He was right. A different boy looks back at him today, and this one is a little sadder and a little wiser, and missing one huge thing in his life. Only he thinks not everything is technically lost. He has his friends again, and the remnants of his old life, and a plan, and a commitment, and to top it off, a budding relationship with a very new and very special friend: Baekhyun.

Sehun watches everything through the little window. His height allows him to stand in that spot in the hallway with enough shadow to conceal him should Kai happen to look out. His eyes look on sadly at his friend inside, and Baekhyun wonders what he has just witnessed to make him look so hurt in such a sympathetic manner. Sehun startles when he sees the shorter dancer observing him from several doorways away. 

“Is Kai in there?” he asks, and Sehun nods. He walks quickly towards Baekhyun, effectively stalling Baekhyun from coming closer to the window. “Is he...?” 

“He's just stretching.”

Baekhyun mimes his understanding, but doesn't look all that convinced; he’s sure that even Sehun can tell he doesn't buy it. “He said he would watch me dance again today.”

Sehun nods again, lips pouting in thought. All of a sudden he seems to remember that he's talking to his friend's new boyfriend. “So, you and Kai now...”

“Yes.” 

“That's... it's... good. I'm glad for you both.”

“Thank you?”

“No, I mean it. Really. I...” Sehun fumbles the next few words, but Baekhyun waits for him to find his tongue again. “That night after the movies, I didn't mean to sound too harsh about, well, about that... But I'm really glad you went with him. I just wanted to thank you for that. I shouldn't have said anything then, but you... you were a better friend than me that night.”

Baekhyun considers him thoughtfully, liking the boy more and more. Less than a week ago he wanted to smack Sehun for being so inconsiderate. Now he just wants to ask him to elaborate more on why Kai doesn't dance, but he knows Sehun isn't the person he should hear it from. He wouldn't ask him even if Kai remained tight-lipped about it for the rest of his life, though of course he hopes his boyfriend will open up sometime soon. His curiosity may not be eating away at him exactly, but for Kai's sake he hopes the boy will let it all out. If Baekhyun is the person he'll confide in some day, then Baekhyun will feel like he's done his job. 

He doesn't respond to Sehun. Anything he says will just confirm that Kai's best friend had indeed been a heartless jerk, if only for a few seconds, and from his perspective now it seems Sehun feels guilty enough without him adding to it. Besides, this is Kai's best friend. He's known him probably since they were partners in crime in a dancers' daycare. 

“Friends?” He stretches his hand out warmly. Sehun hesitates but then shyly accepts the offer.

“Friends,” he agrees with tight smile. His relief actually beams out of his eyes. 

“So what do you do, Sehun? All I know is that you go to college and that you teach dance most nights at the other studio.”

“Ahh, well I'm an English major.” Baekhyun smiles, taking in the information. “I guess I'll probably get a teaching certificate at some point. I kind of like kids, teaching kids I mean!” 

“That sounds great. Kids need great teachers. Do you think... will you keep teaching dance?”

“Maybe. Right now it helps pay the bills. And, well... Mrs. Kim is like family. I like helping out, even if I didn't want to dance professionally anymore.”

About that, Baekhyun wants to ask, though he figures it might be too personal a question to ask a near stranger. Circumstances aside, maybe Kai and Sehun aren't too different in that regard. He'll wait until he offers before he pries into Sehun's life too much. “Mrs. Kim is nice,” Baekhyun agrees. “Even if she is technically my boss.” He chuckles and Sehun smirks. 

“She's mine too now. Does she know?”

“Know that... Kai and I are...?”

“Yeah.”

“I don't know?” But Baekhyun thinks she does know. They haven't spoken together with so many words, but ever since Monday he's noticed her watching him with slightly more intensity than he remembers before. Her presence was always not very far from the dancers practice rooms, and she attends nearly ever rehearsal. But now her eye doesn't look him over just professionally. It's more calculating, more inquisitive, though not harsh. “I think she might,” Baekhyun confesses. Why wouldn't she, when the rest of the company is still abuzz with the gossip. Suddenly Baekhyun feels mortified that he didn't tell her personally. It's almost a direct betrayal of her trust, though why he feels this way, he doesn't quite understand.

The door behind them opens quietly with a small creak. Kai emerges, noticing the two boys with wide-eyes, like he didn't expect anyone to be in the hall. Sehun turns swiftly towards him.

“There you are! I was just about to go looking for you.” Kai relaxes and stalks over. He hovers a few feet from his boyfriend, strangely awkward in front of Sehun. This marks the first time he and Baekhyun are together together in his friend's presence.

“Hey,” he says to cover up his unease.

“Hey back. I popped over tonight because I was bored at home.”

“Well seeing how you’re such a boring guy, that’s nothing unusual. Did you sit in for some of the rehearsals?”

“Yep. Just watching, doing my thing… tormenting Suho and puffing up Luhan’s ego because, damn that guy’s been pissy this week!” He sighs.

Kai laughs and Baekhyun nods his head seriously in agreement with that statement. “So what are you doing now?” Kai asks.

“Now? Nothing. Just been chatting with your boyfriend here,” says Sehun.

“And?”

“He’s cool. Cool enough.”

Kai finds Baekhyun’s eyes, adding to Sehun’s approval, but in a far more gratifying way according to Baekhyun at least. “Of course I’m cool!” he pouts back, ignoring Sehun now completely.

Sehun smiles knowingly and thunks a heavy hand on Kai's shoulder. “Okay, I'll leave you two alone so you can get on with the mushy stuff.”

Baekhyun chuckles. “You don't have to run away too soon, Sehun. Promise we won't make out right in front of you!”

Kai smiles, emboldened by Baekhyun's comment. “Or won't we?” He takes one step towards Baekhyun and sneaks an arm around his waist and the two stand side by side daring Sehun to balk. Sehun plays at acting disgusted, then relaxes when the two make no further move.

“You wouldn't...”

Kai and Baekhyun both smile innocently for a few more seconds, but Sehun freaks out for real when Baekhyun gets a glint in his eye and starts making kissy noises in Kai's direction. His lips veer dangerously close to Kai's ear when Sehun gags and turns his head.

“Enough! I'm out of here. Text me later when you're not busy, Kai,” and he takes off down the hall.

Kai and Baekhyun both laugh until Sehun is out of sight; then they realize they're still connected. Kai flips Baekhyun until their chests meet and wraps his arms around him in a cushy hug.

“It's been too long,” he mumbles.

“We had dinner last night...” Baekhyun teases.

“That's what I mean. It's been too long.”

“We've only been dating for three days.” 

Kai moans. “But it hasn't been long enough.”

“You're a bit contradictory tonight.”

“And you're the one counting the days.” 

Baekhyun snuggles in closer, without response. He remembers something he's been meaning to ask. “Kai, does your mother know about us?”

Kai breathes slowly, normally. “Yes.”

“You told her already?”

“Not exactly. Remember when I found you in the courtyard? She saw that...”

Baekhyun pulls back in shock. “She saw that?!” He looks mortified.

Kai laughs and pulls him back in. “Yes. It was the first thing she mentioned, so I had to confess. Why, do you wish I hadn't?”

“No, it's not that.” Baekhyun's voice comes out in a mumble from where his face presses down against Kai's chest. “I just feel weird, like I should have said something myself. Or we should have together. Oh. Oh! What did she even say?” He looks up aghast. 

“Relax, Baek. She approves...”

“She does?”

“Yeah, she does.”

“What else did she say...?”

“You're assuming she had something else to say?” When Baekhyun nods he grins back. Since when did Baekhyun know his mother so well? Kai smiles proudly, and a devious expression invades his whole face. “She only said to use the practice rooms in a responsible manner.” He purposefully tugs their linked bodies one step closer to the nearest door. 

“Why did she say that--? oh. Oh! Kai!” Baekhyun practically wails when Kai whisks him into the nearly darkened room that Kai had been in earlier. Kai drags his boyfriend behind him, slams the door shut and with the lights out he still manages to find Baekhyun's lips with his own. The action stifles all protests as Baekhyun's body reacts instinctively, kissing back with hands clutched just below Kai's shoulders. Seconds later he cries out again when Kai suddenly disappears from his side. Baekhyun pants heavily, and focuses his eyes in the dimness. He hears the shuffling sounds of Kai's feet crossing the room, and the slight bump as his boyfriend's body makes contact with a chair. Kai fumbles with something on the desk while Baekhyun's mind reels from the excitement. His hands besides his knees, he presses backwards into the wall to keep his balance and his breath evens out after several measured huffs. He can barely make out his flushed, overly stimulized silhouette in the reflection of the mirror. Then he hears Kai speak.

“What are you doing? Turn on the light already.”

“Huh?” Baekhyun runs his hand along the wall next to the doorway until it makes contact with the switch. The light semi-blinds him for a moment until his eyes adjust.  “What... are you doing?”

Kai's fidgeting with a CD case. “Getting some music out?” He shoots Baekhyun a half-cocked smile. “You're supposed to be practicing. Come on, show me your moves.” Baekhyun glares at him across the room, and Kai continues to smile. “Come on, Baek. I was told explicitly that I still have to be your dance coach, whether we date or not. Mom's orders. So... the sooner we get started, the sooner we can get out of here and get something to eat - “ Kai's stomach groans right on cue “- and I'm hungry.” 

Baekhyun curses. Shirking the preceding moments, he prepares himself for dancer mode.

Friday is D-Day for the company. The members gather mid-afternoon in a strange auditorium hauling costume bags and make-up satchels. Baekhyun arrives fresh faced with his hair tied back in clips, eager to get the day started. Performance days are always long, and it’s the waiting around part that gets boring. He likes to be ready to go and in the wings, preparing for the lights as they turn off before the big moment and the opening number. It’s barely 2:00 pm, however and the show won’t go on for another six impossibly long hours.

That means six hours of downtime, and stage instructions, music and sound checks (of which the dancers need not take part so why bother?), and the inevitable pep talks and threats of torture if anyone messes up. The worst part is that there are two back-to-back nights of this, and two back-to-back afternoons of dead time. At least two hours are spent in mandatory warm-ups and at least an hour getting dressed up with stage hair and makeup, but the rest of the time might as well be social hour.  Baekhyun likes the other members and he likes hanging out with them, but he sees them every day already. Basically the afternoon is a whole lot of time wasted not spent with Kai.

Arriving at the door that marks backstage from the auditorium, Baekyun and Tao check the list on the wall for their dressing room number and hike up a few half flights of stairs. They find the room blazing hot even at this hour from the myriad of lights already on. Dozens of bulbs protrude from the frames surrounding several large mirrors. Tao turns them off immediately before dropping his bags onto the counter and chair. Baekhyun grunts gratefully and drops his things as well.

“Looks like Luhan and Minseok are already here,” Tao says, indicating a row of costumes already hanging from a rack in the corner.

“Good grief,” Baekhyun replies. “Why are they here even earlier than necessary?”

“Luhan’s probably freaking out.”

Baekhyun snorts. “You’re probably right.” He leans forward towards the cool mirror and plays with a few strands of his hair which have come loose from the journey.

A moment later Luhan himself pops his head in. “Anyone seen Minseok?”

“No?” Tao responds. “Isn’t he with you?”

Luhan shakes his head, looking frustrated. “I saw his stuff here but I’ve been exploring this place for ten minutes and haven’t found him.”

“Maybe he got lost?”

“Minseok? Lost? Never. Well, maybe he is. I mean where else can he be? If you guys see him, kidnap him and don’t let him go, okay?” He disappears before they can answer his bizarre request.

Tao frowns at the open door. “Ever notice how some days those two are like inseparable and other days it’s like they’re on two separate planets?”

“Tell me about it,” says Baekhyun, without enthusiasm. His hair is coming undone now the more he picks at it, and priorities really must be kept on a day like this.  With a scowl he gives up for the time being and instead focuses on unpacking his makeup kit, verifying that everything he’ll need in a few hours is in place and ready to throw on. Another knock on the door frame tears him from his concentration and he looks up to see Krystal, their temporary backstage manager for the night. She swings her long brown hair and smiles at the two dancers.

“I’m supposed to tell you that warm-up’s in half an hour, and you better not be late.”

“Got it. Thanks.”

“Excellent. By the way, Tao, there’s some blonde dude waiting downstairs. He says he knows you?”

Tao gulps and reaches for his phone, as if verifying a missed message, and then darts out the door past a still confused Krystal. She silently questions Baekhyun, but he only shrugs and she leaves, none the wiser. The clock inches closer towards warm-up hour, and finally Baekhyun hears the definite shuffling of two people coming down the hallway, talking lightly. Minseok steps in looking quite refreshed.  He bids a short goodbye to his friend and in the corner of his eye through the mirror Baekhyun catches the blonde ponytail of a miniscule female pass out of sight. 

“Hi, Baek.”

Baekhyun smiles pleasantly, pretending he didn’t see that. “Afternoon. Luhan was looking for you. Did you see him anywhere?”

“No?” He looks unconcerned.

“Oh. I guess he’ll make his way back here soon. I’m supposed to kidnap you and not let you go until he returns!” Baekhyun stretches back in his chair and yawns, arms raised above his head.

Minseok chuckles. “Well, you’ve got me. Where’s Tao?”

“Dunno.” He yawns again, this time even sleepier than before. “Aren’t you tired?” he asks Minseok. The whole company had stayed up ridiculously late the night before practicing. It’ll be a wonder if they all drag in on time today.

“I was.” Minseok sorts through his things. “But I found a coffee shop nearby so I’m doing better now.” He looks up as a figure appears in the door looking scandalized. Luhan, holding two coffees in his hand, walks in unsteadily and sets one down.

“You… got coffee already?” he stutters. “B-but I just went out and got you some.”

Minseok apologizes but thanks him anyways, and Luhan sits down with a bummed appearance. “Here Baek, want the other coffee?”

“Sure. Why not. Thanks for thinking of me, Luhan.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Luhan whines lowly, and Baekhyun scoffs.

Krystal rushes by their doorway again. “Five minutes everyone!” Baekhyun grabs his shoes, stands up to put them on, and at the last second throws them back on the ground. Time to check out the stage first, he thinks, and the three of them slowly prod their way out onto the curtained stage for warm-up.

3,464 words

Another long chapter! What, did you think I was actually going to give you some answers this update? :P  Nope, just me... setting things up. So many things... Delving into Kai's thoughts, a little Sebaekai (poor Sehun. If you wanted to know my expression for that scene, it looked basically like Sehun *gagging*). Oh, and the Xiuhan.. heh. It's about time Luhan starts to whine about something that isn't completely about himself.

So here's the bad news: I am flying to New York City this Sunday, and I won't be back until the 21st. That means, close to 2 weeks with no new updates from me! I feel like I'm betraying y'all or something.. *sniffs* The good news is, I'm going to NYC and this story is set in NYC, so I'm considering this a research holiday. Maybe I'll even take pictures and draw in little stick figure Kaibaek "Imagine us kissing... here!" ;)

Lastly, I want to thank my 123 subscribers and 22 upvoters! :O You are all awesome. 

Bye bye!!! I'll miss you guys! See you in a few!

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