Ryeowook’s POV

People can only do so much as to save you. In the end saving yourself has to be your choice.

“So what are we going to do?”

Henry asked nervously looking around. Ever since the doctor left, the room had been gloomy. The members must still be thinking of the treatments. Well… I made my mind up. I knew what I wanted and I was sure of it.

“Surgery sounds too risky.” Donghae muttered worriedly. “Should we just let you stick to chemo, Wookie? Do you want to do radiation along with chemo?”

“If we do chemo and radiation, you’ll get a chance to live longer right, hyung?” Henry patted my hands. “Right hyung?”

“Rght, Henry ah.” I nodded. “But I don’t want to do that.”

 “What do you mean, Wookie?” Kyuhyun asked. “Do you just want to stick to chemo?”

“But Wook, chemo alone is not going to help you-”

I took a deep breath. “I want to do the surgery.”

The members froze.  I know it must sound crazy especially because I was the one who declined the offer for surgery in the first place and now I wanted it. I know it sounded stupid. Especially because I declined the surgery when I had more chances to live.

“Why?” Kangin shook his head. “I don’t understand, Ryeowook. Why would you want to do the surgery now?”

“Wookie, what you trying to do?” Kyuhyun sounded hurt.

“Should we… Should we call and ask Leeteuk hyung?” Zhou Mi looked at me like I had lost my mind. “Leeteuk should know what to do.”

“No, please don’t.” I begged. “I’d like to tell Leeteuk hyung about my condition when I meet him. I don’t want to do it over the phone.”

“But Wookie, he’d know what to do.” Heechul admitted. “Even though we’re almost the same age, I don’t think like him. Leeteuk is our leader. He knows what to do. He thinks differently.”

“But hyung…. I’m the one suffering.”

“Shouldn’t I be the one making the decision for my own body?”

The members didn’t say anything else, too stunt by my reply. I tried to sound as soft as possible knowing that my members must be mad at my decision. Well… Half of them looked mad. The other half just looked clueless and confused. Sungmin, next to me, took my hand in his and patted my cheeks softly. He looked at me with so much love and concern in his eyes. This was one of the reason why exactly I wanted to do the surgery.

“Why do you want to do the surgery, Wookie?”

“I know I should have done the surgery ages ago, hyung. I regret it now.” I sighed, my lips trembling. “But regrets can only bring me so far.”

“But… I’m tired, hyung.” I closed my eyes. “It hurts. Everything just hurts. I want to heal.”

“Wookie, you can heal with chemo and radiation.” Kangin urged. “You can, you heard what the doctor said.”

“But remember what Heechul hyung said.” I pointed out. “The side effects will be the one killing me in the end.”

“Hyung, it hurts. I don’t want to have to feel weak all the time again. And when I start losing my hair and going deaf, what will I become? I know that with radiation and chemo, I will get to live longer. But what’s the point when I’m going to spend the rest of the next twenty years bedridden?”

Sungmin stood up and hugged me tight all of a sudden. “Oh, Wookie.”

“I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this.”

I leaned against my hyung, hiding myself in his warm embrace.  Sungmin hadn’t cried and I was proud of him. He was being so strong for me. I wished I could stay like that forever. Sungmin made me feel protected with his strong arms around me. I knew if he could, he would want to take care of me forever. He’d be one of those motherly hyungs and baby me all day and night.

“You’re right when you say that it’s your decision.” Sungmin whispered. “I don’t want you to continue hurting, Wookie.”

“I want the best for you.”

Sungmin finally let me go and I looked at the other members whose eyes were glistering. It was hard and I could feel a lump in my throat from the looks on their faces. But… I had to do this. I had enough and I was done being selfish. Rather than being selfish, I wanted to become