I scribbled on my notes. I have studied composing lately. I never thought I have talent in this. I guess Minjun really did influence me, by a lot.

Flashbacks..

I was in our practice room at that time, alone, when he suddenly pops out from nowhere. Lately he’s been visiting me a lot. I don’t know why he’s doing that though.  Maybe he pitied me with that incident well, it can be reasonable answer.

Since that ever happened, even my members always make fun of me. How stupid I am to have a totally sweet girlfriend and dream relationship that everyone envied of and I screw all of that. Just for a 5minutes fun.

Well, in my defense it’s not exactly 5 minutes fun, sometimes it last longer but never longer than a night affair. All in all, they got a point and seeing how much true it is I just keep silent and it all in. It was all my fault; was a fact that I can’t run away from.  

“Yah, wae..keu olgeoul?” he asked me with that sheepish grin.

I just shrugged my shoulders. I don’t think others can comfort me from this. All negative feeling just waved in at the same time, leaving me breathless, lifeless and seriously useless.

Maybe my slumped shoulders told him enough to be understanding because I can feel his warm hug next. He just sits there, embracing me in a complete silent. It wasn’t awkward though.

Honestly, I love his company the most. He’s not there to lecture me, mock me or to put all the blame on me though I know I deserved each and every thing that most of my friends have had to give me.

But he is different. Maybe he is the type of man that suits Ailee the most. The one that I am 100% sure will be able to take a good care of her, never hurt her or let her cry, and the most important thing to protect her from this world harshness.

He is the perfect guy. Not me, a wandering guy that don’t even know what he wants in his life.

I was dragged back into reality out of my thought when he grabs my wrist and bring me to ……..

I realized I have no idea where he’s dragging me to.

“Yah, where are we going?” I tried to protest but I just got a smile as an answer. Then he said..

“I already know you have nothing to do in couple hours coming, so I think I want to introduce you into something” with a big grin on his face. And by big, I really do mean big, that ears to ear kind of grin and I absolutely positive that I can see all of his 32 teeth arranged neatly along his gums.

Since I have no other legit reason to escape, I just gave in and thought, maybe this “thing” he’s gonna introduce me to is something that can help me. And the next thing I know I am praying hard that this thing would help me and pray that this thing is not some kind of relationship counseling or a shrink. I don’t need another stupid thing to be added into my members’ mock list on me.

I can breathe in a relieve breath as we stopped in front of a private studio. But I can’t help but wonder what exactly will he introduces to me. So I kept silent and let he dragged me into the building until we stop in a medium size of room with a piano at the centre of the room.

I gave him a questioning look and he just smile warmly. He let go of my hands, walks towards the black, vintage piano I saw just now and he sit at the bench. Ignoring me, he starts the keys.

It starts as slow, soothing melody; melody that tells you whoever person come with this melody is actually falling in love. The melody shouts out “love is in the air”, and it was beautiful feeling. Then, after a few moments of silence his long fingers start again.

And this time everyone, my tears just flow down as I feel the sad feeling the melody try to convey, make me wonder what has happened to the person that falls in love just now? Why did his heart break? Why this saddening and depressing melody?

And, without giving me time to heal my heart from those heartbreaking music he started to play another song. One that tells us how he regret everything, he wants to rebel and shout to world how is this fair? His regret and anger completely shows through this piece.

And to think that he was able to convey different type of emotions through melody solely without any lyrics written to tells us the exact story really touch my heart.

He finished his third song and turns to me with a genuine smile. He is really like a big brother. No wonder why his group members are so close to him and love him. And his dongsaengs are lucky to have a hyung like him.

“So, what do you think?” he asked me an ambygous question.

“What do I think on what? Your compositions?” I asked him back to be safe as I don’t want to give him a reckless answer.

I walked to him and he flashes me his signature smile.

“No pabo. I am asking you about this..piano and composing,” he asked me and runs his fingers along the piano.

“Oh, I don’t know. I’m not as good as you or Seungho with this, and I never give composing a thought before.” I answered as a matter of fact.

He smiles again and said, “Well, there is always a first time for everything, don’t you think so? Just give it a try, and you’ll be surprised with what it holds for you.”

Without giving much thought, with his encouragements I started to random key on the piano. And amusingly, it actually sounds decent. Not as good as his pieces he played for me just now, but it not . It is decent for a beginner like me I guess cause I can see he amused by the sound I played.

“So, if I decided to jump in your little world, would you help me go through it?” I asked him, just to be sure that he will not abandoned me halfway. And he, being the nice person he is, promised me to walk me through this path he introduced me to.

“This is a good remedy when you have anything that you feel and thought of but you can’t risk other person to know exactly your thoughts and feelings. So you can convey it in this form. Something you can share with the world, but you would not be judged by it.

Well, this is absolutely something that can help me pass through this bitter phase of my life. I nodded and he smiles.

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Well yeorobeun, that is how I come to composing world. Enough with the flashback and now, currently I am working on my piece. Definitely not the first, but several that I produce earlier is not decent enough so I just shoved it under my bed, inside my own Pandora box.  

Now I’m in the middle of scribbling lyric for melody I just made. I have been thinking, pray would be the best title for this piece. I work hard on this and I can’t wait to show this to Minjun, wonder what he will think about my piece. If he reviews this as good I might show this to my other member and who knows, this might be inserted in our upcoming album. 

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After several months struggling with the melody and lyric, I thought I come up with a decent piece.

Pray by Jung Byunghee

When you passed by me, I was so happy but I had to hide my heart
For a long time, you endured by yourself, your pale and gaunt face hurts my heart

I’m so sorry that things became like this, I can’t see or touch you
We’re not in the same place and the only thing I can do for you is…

To turn your steps away so you won’t think of me again, so you can go somewhere else where our memories aren’t there
I’ll pray that a person who loves you will appear so all of the memories that made your heart hurt will get erased

Are you still hurting? Are you still waiting for me?
I couldn’t keep the promise of always being together and I had to leave
So I hope you will forget me now, I hope you won’t hurt anymore
Because I can’t hold you, who I wanted to protect till always

I’m so sorry that things became like this, I can’t see or touch you
We’re not in the same place and the only thing I can do for you is…

To turn your steps away so you won’t think of me again, so you can go somewhere else where our memories aren’t there
I’ll pray that a person who loves you will appear so all of the memories that made your heart hurt will get erased

When I open my eyes, the emptiness always come, your face flickers before me so I can’t sleep
I don’t feel refreshed and even though I try to snap out of it and walk on the street, I only look for you
I know I shouldn’t do this but I keep lingering by your side, frustratingly doing stupid things
It seems like I could reach you but I can’t, this heavy silence blocks my hand, but I wish you will be happy
In a peaceful forest where you can breathe instead of being with a dry desert like me

To turn your steps away so you won’t think of me again, so you can go somewhere else where our memories aren’t there
I’ll pray that a person who loves you will appear so all of the memories that made your heart hurt will get erased

** please listen to this while reading: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZD9XHEdapz4**

You’re asking me why am I giving up on my relationship? Well, at first I don’t and I never think that I would. In fact I was praying that she would stay with me. desperately hoping she would keep me in her heart as I keep her staying in my heart.

But during this one year she’s been missing, not updating her conditions to her friends make me feel guilty as hell. I am the one responsible for this; destroying a sweet bubbly girl life, turning her perfect life into living hell.

Well, if anyone has any little bit of conscience, I am sure he will definitely let go. And that was what I am trying to do. Letting her go, giving her a chance to be happy, because I perfectly know that I am not capable to give her happiness.

I do love her everyone, I seriously do. But if letting her go is what will make her happy, then let it be even though I would be deeply hurt in the process. Well, let’s think that this is my punishment for being a jerk towards her.

She however, will always be the queen that stays in my heart.