“Hyuuuung, where are you from?”

 My magnae ask me with a big pout as soon as I step my feet into our dorm. I answer his question with a long sigh, inviting another question from him. I intended to cut him off and go straight into my shared room with big Ok-cat. Clearly, he’s not on the same page as me when he tailed me into my room.

“Wae, wae, wae? Wae hyung-nim. What has been bothering you? You sighed a lot lately if you notice.” He asked me out of concern.  I know very well. He worried about me. As the youngest in group, he did worry about all of his hyungs  a lot.

“Nothing, I just dead tired from our never-ending practice and hectic schedule. I don’t even have enough time to rest.” I answer him half-heartedly, lay down on my bed hoping he buys my excuses. Unfortunately he is not.

“Hyung, you know you can be absolutely honest with me right? In fact you can be honest with any of us. I know you have been thinking of something else. Our practices for comeback are so smooth that you have nothing to be worried about. And it’s not like you’re not used to all week lack of sleep before. You have never been this distracted before, hyung. You know I’ve known you for too long to buy your stupid excuses. If you think I am not mature enough for you to share your problems, you can try share with our grandpa. We know he matured enough for you.” He nags me. Again.

 Then he stood up, went to kitchen, take a big gulp of water and return to his so-called bed in the living room, joined his living room-mate, woo-dong. Not long after that I heard soft snores coming from living room. I’m sure its him, fall into deep slumber. Giving up waiting me to open up to him or any group member. I picked up my towel and went to bathroom. I want to freshen up my tired body and get my beauty sleep after that. I shook my head when I saw those two people sleeping in living room without switch off the lamp. How could they sleep in bright light? I asked myself. I shook my head again, knowing I will never get answer to that question if I not asked it to the right person. I laugh at my own stupidity. I get into the bathroom. Turn the faucet and took my refreshing bath. The warm water flow through my hair, fall onto my skin to my leg. I really hope those fallen water wash away my worrisome and all my messy thoughts away.

Since when I’ve been feeling this way? I can’t be like this. She’s someone else’s. Why must I feel this way? They’re my friends. I shouldn’t make this tougher for them.

“Aishhh” I sighed to myself again. I don’t know how many times I have sighed today. I finished my bath and step out of the bathroom, switch off living room lamp and went to kitchen. I boiled some water and make a mug of green tea. I sit on a stool and take a sip of my hot tea.

“Ouch, it’s hot” I half screamed when the hot tea touch my tender lips. I hope my scream didn’t wake anybody up. Suddenly I felt guilty. Curse my clumsiness. I look up when I saw a shadow in front of me. It’s Nichkhun.

He looks at me with a questioning look. I make my why-anything’s wrong-face. He shook his head and took a seat on a stool next to me. He wrapped one of his arm across my shoulder and run his hand upside down. I feel at ease with this simple action. As if he tries to tell me that I can lean on his shoulder whenever I need to.

I lay down my head on his shoulder, trying to put off my burdened thoughts on him, if it’s even possible. I grin stupidly at my not so clever thoughts. He leans his head on mine.

“Wae, hyuung? Anything I can help you with?” he asked me silently, afraid to waken up other sleeping members.

I shook my head. Not fully ready to open up. Not even sure how to open up when I myself don’t know what my problem is. Another denial. Stupid me. I am completely aware what my problem is. Admitting to it is the same as betraying my friends. Do I ready to go that far?

“Hmmpphh” is the only word escaping my pink lips.

Khun turn to me and makes me face his face. “Do you know you have been sighing a lot today?” he asked me. “And you’re not the type to sigh a lot unless you have something you really, really, really worried about. And usually the thing you worried about is a BIG thing. Do you know that?” he asked me, slight worry in his tone; even I know he tried to sound as monotonous as possible in order not to worry me.

I nodded my head. My members know me too well to read my body language perfectly. I guess I can’t hide anything from them. We’ve been living together for too long I guess. I smile at my thoughts. He nudges me with his shoulder, demanding answer to his questions. This is what I afraid of. Admitting to my problem, my feeling. Feeling that shouldn’t be there. I took another sip of my tea and I sigh again.

“Where have you been after practice just now? Did you met Ailee?” he asked me when I keep silence. I look at him with how-do-you-know look. He just smiles and say “I overheard your conversation before you storm out of our practice room, mianhae-yo. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on you.” He answers calmly after read my expression. I nodded my head few times.

“Eung, I met her earlier and I just hurt my heart. She looks so sad when she told me about GO hyung. I really want to beat that guy up for making my Ailee that sad. She deserved every happiness in this world. Why must he treated her like that?” I opened up. Finally, share my thoughts and desire to someone else that is not me.

Khun nodded his head. “Hyung…” Khun called me, hesitated before he continue his question. “Did you ever feels like you really happy when you see her smile, cry madly inside when you see even a slight sadness in her eyes? Have you feel like you really want to hide her so she wouldn’t have to face any harm this world have to give her?”

I nodded with his each question. “Hyung, you shouldn’t feel this way. This will only hurt you. And it will hurt you bad. So bad you will only desire this world to end.” He told me obvious thing.

I nodded. “Ara..hajiman Khunnie, do I have the choice to pick which person I will feel this way? I don’t, do I? I have done my best to keep my feeling on neutral line, but my heart is so, so stubborn. It keeps on crossing the line I drew for me.” I sighed again. Hoping he will understand my difficulty.

He shook his head. I know he started to grip what I told him. It is true. We don’t have the honor to choose who we will fall in love with. There. I admit I am in love with her. My bestfriend’s girlfriend. Damn me.

“Hyung, I don’t know exactly how to help you with this. We already know, feeling is something that so complicated and hard to deal with. I hope with you sharing your thoughts with me will halves your burden. And I really want you to know I am always here whenever you need me. Anything you think you need my help with, just inform me. I’ll try my hardest to help you, ease your burden for you, ok?” He said to me.

I am glad I have such a nice dongsaeng. I even have 5 nice dongsaengs. I know all of them are more than glad to help me ease my burden. But this is not something they could help me with, I think.

“Eung. I know you are all by my side. Come. Lets sleep. We have an early day tomorrow.” I take his hand, gesturing him to follow me and sleep after I finished my tea, put away my mug in the sink and going to my room. He nodded once and he went to his room as well.

I lay on my soft mattress. Hope my movements not wake up the giant on the lower bunk bed. I put my blanket up to my chin and shut my eyes. Hope deep slumber bring me away from reality.