Flashbacks

I’m on Music Bank program that day. I am getting ready in waiting room when Minjun oppa suddenly pop out. He walks in and sits beside me. My hair stylist felt that he needs some time alone, so she walks out of the room.

“Ailee, I have reviews your album’s concept. Don’t tell me that you’re going to act like your title song just to get him back, please.” He pleads me.

I glare at him.

“What if I say I do?” I ask him in a stern voice.

“Yah, i-jassik. You are just fine being yourself. Why must you change for him?” he asks me.

“Because I being myself simply not good enough for him. What else do you expect me to answer when you ask me that?” I almost explode answering him.

“Ailee-yah, you yourselves are a great person. Those who can’t see you for who you are, they the one to lose. You, on the other hand have nothing to regret!” he starts to raise his volume a little bit.

“Oh, really? If that’s the case why am I the one hurting? Why?” I leashed out my anger on him. I regret the second I do that, but I contain myself. I shouldn’t back down from this.

His words seem true. But why am I in pain. If that’s so true, then he should be in pain instead of me, right?

“Ailee, when you love yourselves and confident being you, then others will love and appreciate you more..”

He didn’t manage to finish his sentence when I cut him off.

“Oh, so now it’s my fault? That I don’t love myself enough to receive love from others? It is my fault that I can’t make him satisfied with just me, being me? Now who the hypocrite one? You are saying one thing and talk about something opposite next. Its irony don’t you think; one person having completely opposite opinion on the same matter in a split second?”

He was taken aback with my words. He keeps silence for a while, my chest heaving with anger. Usually he’s my place of solace. What has happen to him?

“You don’t have to stoop this low just to get someone whom not worth it. You being like this hurt me more than I think I would. I am not trying to imply anything to your pure mind, but, please, think about this.”

He said silently.

“Great, now I’m pathetic low-life. Anything you want to add to the list Kim MinJun-ssi?”

I ask him. I’m not realizes since when but now we’re both standing, facing each other. I guess my anger consumes me so much that I ignore hurts look I saw in his eyes when he heard my last sentence.

Well, there’s nothing much that I can do, he unleashed the monster in me. Don’t put the blame on me!

“I think I am being here would bring more harm than good. Please, think about this again.” He says, squeezing my shoulder gently and walks out the door with slumped shoulder.

His back looks hurts and lonely as he walks away from me.

I almost cry. I hold myself thinking I need to perform later. I am taking deep breaths as I try to control myself.

“Ailee!”

That familiar voice, it cuts me to pieces. I turn to see “him” walking towards me with a big smile on his face, really big smile.

He hugs me, tight. I almost can’t breathe, almost melt into his embrace but then I come to my sense.

“Oppa.. I.. cant.. breathe..” I told him

He let me go, rub back of his head an grins.

“Hehe, mian. I just miss you so much” he says playfully.

“Well, before you dreams of anything else, I want to make this clear.” I said.

“Mwo, what you want to clear?” He asks me with a confuse face.

He’s cute I thought.

“Ailee, jongshin chal-hae-ra!” I whisper to myself.

“I want you to know that us, this, completely business. No other meaning.” I finished my sentence and I am proud with myself I manage to say that confidently. No stuttering.

Well, I deliberately ask my agency to involve him in my music video for my title song. This way I can show him how I have mature, and he should regret because he’s been a jerk to me all this while. I want him to regret letting me go. That was my ultimate intention.

Yes, I deliberately choose a song matching with our situation, pick him as my love of interest and I want him to regret and beg me to come back to him. Just like in my song.

That how wicked I became after all he’s done to me.

Wicked? Yes, I am pathetic. Everything Minjun Oppa said just now was so true. That’s why I almost explode. He sees right through me.  

I shrugged my head. I look at the man in front of me. He looks confused and lost. He must thought I want to get back together nicely just like the old me would’ve done, that’s why I ask for him for this.

This is our first meeting after that incident. We never met before this, he was so busy to meet me when we signed contract for this. He just agrees without many thoughts.

Supposedly we met last week to film official MV for this song, however something came up. I don’t really care. So, today’s performance all will be spontaneous. We never practice before. Considering what has happened to us, I think we’ll be able to pull off a nice performance; even without practice. We just have to be true to our feeling.

*******************************************************************************************

True to my prediction, everything went smoothly.

That late night I can’t sleep. So, I grab my outer coat and take a walk at the park nearby my house. It’s late so not many people around. I take a good look at surrounding, afraid there will be bad person around.

Involve in a scandal is the last thing I want to do.

My heart rest assured when I saw couple policemen doing their night patrol. At least I’ll be safe.

I strolls around the park in complete silent and the cold breeze brush my face.

I sat at the swing when I tired walking.

Suddenly, the scenes in the waiting room with Minjun oppa flashes in front of my closed eyes.

As if watching drama on replay, each and every word we exchange ringing to my ears.

There, I grab words I missed just now. And I start to think, deeply.

I tried my best to decipher everything. I manage to understand some of his words and some I don’t.

Well, it’s regretful that we didn’t manage to talk heart to heart since I came back from US. The only time we spent together only for work, completely for work. We can’t afford to use the precious time for other things since both of us are so busy. So we agreed to talk when everything has been settled.

But, suddenly he barges in my waiting room and attacks me, tonight.

Not fair, cause I totally defenseless at that time.

Did I steep that low?

Did Byunghee oppa not worth it?

What exactly have I done?

Wait, I’m doing this hurts him more than he think he would? Did he just confess to me? Did he like me? Did he love me?

I grab my phone from my pocket. Should I call him? No, not yet. He needs time to cool himself down.

After several days, I couldn’t contain my curiosity anymore, so I texted him, late at night. I hope he finished his schedule already. I wait, nervously. I played with my fingers to lessen my anxiety.

I almost jump at my phone buzzing; indicating I received a message. After I confirm it is okay to call him, I made that call. And fortunately, he didn’t let me wait for long.

He seems like don’t want to discuss what happen in waiting room yet, so I decide to let that aside, for now. We talks from heart to heart. We have a long talk. It seems endless, he still cares for me. But I need to confirm other thing. I know it, I have feeling about that, but I need to hear that from his lips. So I decide to ask him in a subtle way.   

“Oppa, don’t you ever see me as a grown up woman? A lady? Little girl, is that I’ll ever be in your life?”

Was the question I manage to mutter to him, but he dismissed me. He thinks I am too tired. He thinks I am speaking nonsense. He told me to sleep early. And that how our conversation ended.

And since that day, he avoids me like a plaque.

Magically, it hurts me, more than I think I would.