CHAPTER FIVE
Realigning The Lost Stars.Changmin's Pain.
THAT SAME NIGHT
CHANGMIN'S POV.
I sat at the ledge of the rooftop, swinging my legs freely as I stared at the night sky. "Amazing... the amount of courage you get when you're no longer afraid of death.
Gazing at the night sky for possibly the last time, I attempted to search for the Cassiopeia constellation, to look at the five interconnected stars once more... only to see that the magnificent constellation wasn't complete, one of which was hidden behind the veil of clouds. "God dammit. Even if I'm about to die, I still can't see the complete constellation for the last time. Stupid stupid stupid." I cursed out loud as a lone tear traveled down my cheek.
Closing my eyes, I allowed myself to reminisce the memories that I've been trying to repress for the past few months, the very ones that haunt me in my sleep, the ones that viciously rip my very soul apart; leaving a broken shell in its wake. "For the last time.. the very last time, I'll remember it all." I whispered, my words carried away by the wind.
It started off slow; the scene of meeting them for the very first time... the debut stage.. our first win.. the rising popularity, the embarrassing stage costumes of Balloons, the struggles in Japan, squeezing in one bed together, Bora Bora, the lame gags we come up with, the prestigious win of the Daesang award... the annoying skinship that I secretly love, JaeJoong hyung's random epic comments, the 'Eun Kyang Kyang' laughter that I haven't heard in awhile, the bickering sessions with a particular duck-, the infamous one-touches, late night snack sessions with Yoochun hyung... the plan, the fights, the shouts, the cursing.. the last performance together... the look in their eyes as we parted our ways for good.
"God, it hurts. It hurts so so much." I breathe out, tears flowing freely down my cheeks. "I miss you guys... so much that it's driving me crazy." clenching my fists as I squeeze my eyes shut, as though by doing so the pain would disappear.
"Changmin-ah, what are you doing out here?" a familiar gentle voice floated into my ears.
Startled, I opened my eyes only to see JaeJoong hyung sitting on my left, right beside me. Great, now I'm seeing things. It's official, I'm going mental. Going against better judgement, I decided to indulge myself with the hallucinations. "Jae hyung, are you really here?"
Laughing out loud before using the back of his hands to cover his mouth, the angelic figure answered, "Who else do you think you are talking to? Yah, my precious baby, you really shouldn't be sitting here. It's too dangerous."
"I completely agree with JaeJoong hyung you know." a second voice chided.
Turning to my right, I saw another familiar face that I thought I'll never see again, "Jun-chan." I breathe out painfully.
The sitting figure on my right shot me a glare, "Yah! Stop calling me Jun-chan! It's Hyung! HYUNG! Stupid disrespectful brat." Scowling, Junsu turned his back against me.
"Junsu hyung.. I've missed you.. so much." I said in a broken voice.
That seems to have pleased the scowling dolphin for he immediately faced me again while beaming his famous angelic smile, "Awww, I've missed you too Minnie!"
"Yah Yah Yah, what about me." a third voice interrupted.
Whipping my head to the sound of the husky voice, more tears fell from my eyes. "Yoochun hyung..."
Sporting a cheeky grin, the broad-shoulder male replied, "Annyeong Changmin-ah. What are you thinking of, sitting here by the ledge. It's dangerous you know, tsk tsk tsk. Don't you have better things to do than sit here and fall to your death, say... having a midnight snack with me?"
"But you're no longer here with me Yoochun hyung." I answered sadly.
"Nonsense! I'm always here if you need me. It's you who refuse to give me a call, I'm hurt you know." retorted Yoochun, faking a pout.
"Yah, what are all of you doing here without me. It's late, we should be sleeping now, not sitting on some ledge on a rooftop!" said Yunho as he tried to squeeze between JaeJoong and Yoochun.
"Aish Yunho hyung, sit beside Junsu instead! There's plenty of space there!" Yoochun said with a mock irritated tone.
"No, I wanna sit with my BooJae!" Yunho childishly replied while hugging the chuckling JaeJoong.
I squeeze my eyes shut as the emotions surge within me, the feeling of raw hurt and nostalgia so overwhelming that it almost felt tangible. By the time my vision returned, the laughing figments of my imagination were long gone and I was left painfully alone once more. The very realization of being abandoned again served as the final key to trigger the dam of emotions to burst open, mercilessly crushing what was left of my shattered heart, "WHY?! WHY VISIT TO ONLY LEAVE ME AGAIN?! WAE!!!"
The searing pain coursing within my veins burned, torching my insides on fire, it hurts so bad that it literally felt that my body was being ripped into pieces. "God, save me. I'll do anything... please, make the pain go away."
"Min, don't do this." Great, round two of hallucinations. This time it's Yoona.
"Yeah Changmin-ah, don't do anything silly. Just come down and we'll talk things through neh?"
I stiffen as I heard the voice of my best friend, "Is this real?"
Looking back, I saw Yoona and Kyuhyun at a safe distance away, their arms stretched forward with their palms faced out; a gesture meant to both assure and reach out to me. My eyes narrowed involuntarily as they tentatively took a step forward, "Stay back."
Unyielding, Kyuhyun took another step forward, "Come on Minnie, don't do this. Talk to me yeah? It's dangero--"
"I said stay back.", both Kyuhyun and I flinching from the bitterness and iciness of my voice.
Keeping my eyes on Kyuhyun, I said in the most menacing voice that I had, "One more step and I'll jump."
Kyuhyun's eyes widen, "Alright alright! I'm not going forward anymore! Don't jump!"
Minutes ticked by and we remained unmoving, staring at each other as the harsh winter wind blew. I felt myself shiver, the winter wind felt colder than usual, probably because we were exposed to it at a higher altitude.
Kyuhyun tried once more, "Minnie, it's cold isn't it. Why don't you get down there and we'll head to a cafe to get a nice cup of hot chocolate or coffee. We'll talk all night and everything will be alright once more yeah?"
"Everything will be alright once more?" I snickered. "Things will never be alright, in fact, it has never been alright since DBSK fell apart. All these while, I tried to pretend everything was fine but it wasn't... it really wasn't..."
I shook my head sadly as I confessed everything that I've been bottling up, "I thought things would be okay again, I sincerely did. I thought that if I don't let myself recall the memories it won't hurt anymore, but I was wrong... so wrong. Everywhere I go, I can still see and hear them... When I practice in front of the mirror in the studio, I see Jae hyung scrunching his face as he tries to master the dance. When I'm alone in the recording booth, sometimes I hear Junsu humming along to a random tune. And... and when I'm in the new dorm... it's either I'm being suffocated by the deafening silence or I hear Yoochun hyung playing the piano. Either that or I hear Jae hyung trying to shoo Yunho hyung out of the kitchen..."
Taking a deep breath, I tried to even my breathing and to stop my tears but to no avail. "Do you know what hurts the most?" I questioned softly.
"It hurts... it hurts the most when it feels like they are still here when they left long ago, when they abandoned us so cold-heartedly. Do you guys know how alone I feel right now? I thought... I've always held on to the hope that we would be one again but..."
A bitter chuckle escaped my lips as my mind registered my thoughts. "How do we be together again when we're not even talking... especially when they had formed a new sub-unit JYJ. I mean, my logical mind understands why they have to do this, but my heart..."
I paused momentarily as I inhaled a deep breath, my fist pounding on my chest, "My heart feels pain. Have they really thrown away our shared memories? And to see them so happy... it was almost the times we spent together meant nothing to them. What's worse is that, they can be considered successful despite whatever sh*t SM threw at them but I don't even know how Yunho hyung and I are going to survive this comeback. I heard you know, the doubts that echo within the staff. It's killing me... the burden of five now on the shoulders of two. I know I have to step up to carry more weight but... it's so tiring... especially when Yunho hyung himself seems so lost and broken now, the strong charismatic leader no more. Do you guys even know the number of times I had to bring home after he passed out drunk at some random bar? I feel so tired and alone that I don't want to do this anymore. Call me selfish but--"
"But you're not alone Changmin oppa." I paused as I heard a soft voice interrupt my monologue, surprised by both the sudden interruption and affectionate term that I haven't heard in years.
With a small smile donned on her face, Yoona continued speaking, "You're not alone Min-ah. Look at us, Kyuhyun oppa and I are here now aren't we? Besides, there's another two frantic Kyu Line members that's currently flipping Seoul upside down in search of you, there's four people by your side already no? And what about your family? Yunho oppa? Do you really bear to do this to him? This will kill him and you know it Min. Think about this; how will they survive, how... how will Kyuhyun oppa and I live... how will we be able to live our lives after seeing a dear friend jump to his death right in front of our eyes. Don't do this to us oppa... don't jump, please."
My eyes watering upon her earnest plea and I can't help but to feel my tattered heart breaking even more as I registered the sight of Yoona suppressing her tears together with a teary-eyed Kyuhyun, my death wish seeping away as the seconds ticked by.
Undeterred by my previous warnings, Yoona courageously took a few steps slowly until she stood no more than a feet away. Offering her right hand, she reached out to me once more, "Come on Min, take my hand and let's get off this ledge neh? It's cold."
Hesitantly, my shaking left hand interlaced with hers before I hopped off the ledge back to safety. The moment both my legs touched the ground, I hugged her; clinging to her as though my life depends on it, sobbing as I cried out, "Yoong-ah, yoong... it hurts. It hurts so bad."
Patting my back gently, I heard her soothing voice comforting me, "Arra Min-ah, arra. Everything will be alright now neh? You're never alone, lean on us when things get tough, lean on me."
A sudden warmth erupted deep within my chilly soul upon hearing her words, crying even harder as I felt another pair of arms wrapping itself securely around the both of us, "You're going to be okay Changmin-ah, just let it out, let it all out."
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
NO ONE'S POV.
The three friends continued to huddle on the rooptop with the crying Changmin safely tucked in between the embrace of two of his dearest friends until the sudden ringing of the phone caused the maknae of Super Junior to pull away reluctantly.
"Yeoboseyo? Ah, Minho-ya. Neh.. neh.. yeah we found him.. He's alive... Rooftop of DBSK's old dorm... It was Yoona's idea. Uh huh.. uh huh... I don't think he's okay at the moment but I think he's gonna be okay from now on. Yeah... okay, I'll hang up now, see you at the dorm then, bye."
Gazing at the hugging duo, Kyuhyun's chest tighten painfully upon witnessing the broken state of his best friend, sharing the latter's pain and sorrow. Remember that you're never alone Changmin-ah, we're always here. I promise.
Unknown to the trio, as the cold winter wind blew, the dark clouds in the night sky started to float away; exposing the last star of the magnificent Cassiopeia constellation. With the complete formation of the constellation shining brightly against the dark sky, it was almost as though as the stars were saying, "Everything is going to be alright from now on.. and that the five beautiful lost stars will be aligned together once more in due time..."
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Annyeonghaseyo Yoroboon!
HAPPY 2014!! I wish you guys the best, health and happiness in the new year!! :D
The first kpop-related thing I saw was the Yoona & Seung Gi dating news. (okay, I'm kidding, the first thing I saw was actually Yoochun; I had to check out his guest appearance thingy for the SBS drama awards thingy, this is Yoochun we are talking about. And, KYAAAHH, HE WAS SO ADORABLE & CUTE &..) *Ahem* Right, dating news, so erm.. yeah my very first reaction was: MY CHANGYOON SHIP HAS SUNK. OTL
HEOL,CHANGYOON ANDWAE T.T
Well, I was kinda pondering on what to write next & the whole sunken ship thing seem like a sign
to make CM sad, so add that with JJ's Sunny Day.. there you have it. It was such a long chap that I had to cut it in two, & now I have a killer headache :(
Regardless of my sunken ship *SOBS*, I'm glad that Yoona has found such a nice guy!^^ Thou I still prefer CM *coughs* Mehrong.
Shoutouts! Thank you Cutiechoi, lovedeeryona, GhyHwang, chirslwf, ikitaka & 1380MC for subscribing. :)
Also, thanks to chillyautumn, hananii19, 1380MC for commenting as well. ^^
And...OH MY HOLY SHINKI. DID SOMEONE ACTUALLY UPVOTED MY STORY?!!!! *GASPS*
KUMAWOYO 1380MC!!! /BOWS/ BEST NEW YEAR GIFT EVER!!*TEARS OF JOY* Thank you thank you thank you.
A great way to start the year, really. :)♥
xoxo, againhello.
08/12/17: Yes, it’s a legitimate chapter update. Trust me, I’m as surprised as you are. Enjoy!! :))
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