CHAPTER NINETEEN
Realigning The Lost Stars.Battle Royale.
MARCH 2013
YOONA'S POV.
The sky was nothing but a dull greyish hue, the late afternoon sun tucked safely behind a thick veil of storm clouds as heavy raindrops fell steadily from the Heavens in an almost hypnotic rhythm, weaving an air of melancholy in its wake. Knees drawn to my chest, I sat unmoving on the black leather couch, resting the side of my head against my knees as I watched the various water droplets race down the glass windows, wishing that I could be as carefree as them... wishing that I could remove the terrible guilt that was suffocating me... to rewind time, to take back the words that I had said... to stop my best friend from leaving.
"Yoona..."
I heard the shuffling sound of wary footsteps clad in house slippers, felt the dip of the couch as my leader wrap her skinny arms around me while nuzzling her cheek against my hair affectionately, "Aigoo, my poor baby."
Still, I didn't move, not even bothering to question when had the others came back home. As far as I was concerned, the only occupants in the dorm were supposed to be; Sooyoung, Tiffany, Yuri, Kyuhyun and... Changmin.
"Jagiyah~ I bought your favourite choco mint ice cream, aren't you gonna eat it before the others take it from you?" singsonged Sunny in her ageyo voice as she stared up at me with her trademark puppy eyes from where she rested against my feet.
I barely even blinked at Sunny's words, trapped within the bubble of guilt and sorrow that I had built, missing the faltered smile on Sunny's face at my unresponsiveness.
"Yah Yuri, it isn't working! Ottoke?!" whispered Jessica frantically to Yuri.
I knew that I should say something, to do something to ease their worries but at this very moment, all I wanted was to retreat selfishly within myself, half-surprised that I have yet to shed a single tear in the past few hours, except for that first outburst earlier on before the girls came home.
FIVE HOURS AGO.
It all started when Sooyoung took it upon herself to make March a better month for me by organizing a simple lunch session for us four; the three well-known SM shikshins along with SJ’s maknae, at the Soshi dorm.
To say that I was feeling incredibly vexed for the past month was an utter understatement. Things have been... tensed since that dinner night. Yunho felt more withdrawn, often staring into nothingness, the light in his twinkling almond eyes dimming a little as compared to before. Changmin, on the other hand, have been studiously avoiding me throughout the past four months. Ignoring my calls and responding my lengthy texts with curt answers aside, this was the first time in ages that the infamous three musketeers haven't got together to celebrate the birthdays of the two February babies. And as much as Changmin's cold shoulder treatment hurt, I could understand where the DBSK maknae was coming from. The DongBangShinKi member was never one to like surprises to be sprung on him and to say that the lanky idol doesn't react well to shocks was to be putting things lightly.
To have kept something of this scale from him... it was no wonder that my best friend was mad, for sometimes, hiding the truth was as bad as a betrayal, no?
It never rains but pours they say, and boy, how true that statement was.
Jiyong and I… have been rocky as of late; another addition to my pile of frustrations. Gone were the days where sweet nothings and cheesy ‘I miss you more’ were exchanged, it was as if the spark had started to fade and I guess, this is what it meant to have entered the post-honeymoon phase.
In summary, the Big Bang leader couldn’t understand why I was, and I quote, ‘obsessed over the whole DBSK issue’, claiming that all we ever talked about during our rare meet ups (a result of our increasingly busy idol schedule at the beginnings of 2013) were AADBSK; All About DongBangShinKi. Needless to say, Jiyong’s words and deliberate puns had riled me up, especially so when the famous Kwon leader insinuated that I was to be blamed for the recent spat. Anger and frustration aside, what stung the most was that Jiyong mentioned his gnawing fear of this might be the start of us drifting apart, alluding my distant behavior by stating that I was hiding something behind his back. I had winced inwardly at the latter’s words, knowing that there was a certain amount of truth in that particular statement which I couldn’t refute… out of which, a lot of it had to do with a certain confession from an utterly drunk Choi Seunghyun-ssi drunk-dialing a few weeks back, screaming along the lines of “attempting closure” and “not going to do anything” in his drunken stupor.
One would think that it would be wise to have complete honesty in a relationship, having learnt the lesson on ‘All secrets would come to light ultimately’ based on recent experience… but how could I possibly find it in me to confess about Seunghyun’s confession, knowing that it would cause a strain in their brotherhood regardless if Top had proclaimed that he was almost positive that his feelings would wane in time? How could I do it to them when I had witnessed firsthand what it was like for brothers to go for the other’s throat?
With an exhausted sigh, I brought my fingers to my throbbing temples, feeling a prescient of a migraine. Between the stress at work, friendship woes and Top's slip of a confession, the fight between Jiyong and I proved to be stretching me thinner than I would have thought possible. Was I that bad of a girlfriend as Jiyong made me out to be? Wasn't being a listening ear part of the job description of a boyfriend? Why couldn't Jiyong see that trust and the appreciation of his advices were the driving forces behind my constant DBSK talks? Shouldn't I be able to count on him to be my rock? For him to be my beacon of light when all seem lost?
One step forward, two steps back. It wasn't as if I was harping on the DBSK issue deliberately... I just... How do I forego the chance of them mending their relationships, no matter how minute the odds are? Fates had decreed for their paths to cross once more that November night for a reason, so why couldn't I, one of the few who are in frequent contact with both sides, attempt to help? Fine, I'll admit that I hadn't had the slightest clue how to help, considering how the dinner had played out... But sometimes, on a rare occasion, even a badly fractured bone had to be broken once more before the doctors could realign the broken bones properly in order to set the cast for the healing bones, and as abstract as the analogy is, why should this incident be an exception? Things couldn't get any worse for them lot, so how was it wrong of me to wish that they could finally find the peace with the other? God knows that all of them deserve it after everything that had transpired. How am I to let go of the chance now that it had finally presented itself? Even if the five hadn't seem keen in taking the chance up...
“You know, it’s best to keep yourself hydrated if you have a headache.”
With a startled start, I snapped my head up at the familiar deep voice, unbelieving that the idol was speaking to me again for the latter had been camping in the kitchen upon his arrival under the pretense of helping Sooyoung and Kyuhyun with the cooking. By coincidence, Tiffany and Yuri were in the dorm as well, although, the duo gave our lunch invite a pass, opting to stay in Tiffany’s room for some girly gossip time while I sat alone on the long black couch in the living room as my thoughts went amok.
Cautiously, I reached for the tall glass of water from Changmin, taking a tentative sip as I eyed my companion, unsure what to expect from the DBSK maknae. Plopping down onto the couch unceremoniously, the idol fidgeted from the tangible awkwardness, his eyes never quite meeting mine. With exquisite tenderness, Changmin brought a hand to my forearm, brushing his thumb over the spot where a nasty bruise used to lie and I fought the urge to shudder as a tingling shiver spot down my spine.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered forlornly before raising his head hesitantly to meet my questioning gaze.
Swallowing an imaginary ball of saliva, I weaved every ounce of sincerity I had into the words that I’ve been meaning to say to Changmin personally for the past four months, “I’m sorry too.”
Eyes unblinking, we held the other’s gaze steadily, expressing the unspoken words with every flicker of emotion within our eyes; an ability that only grew stronger as time passed. This was how it had been, and always will be between the two of us.
I wasn’t daft, I knew that we had plenty to talk about after that November night. Elephants to clear, things to explain… but was it really irrational of me to fear the impending conversation? To be afraid of ruining the moment with a potential fight from our overdue conversation? To drive my best friend away now that he had finally made an appearance before me after an excruciating close to four months wait?
And so, I chose to take the cowardly way out, opting to shelf the talk away for another time as I nudged my companion with the sole of my foot, “A tad early to be drinking beer, don’t you think.”
I knew from the moment Changmin pursed his lips slightly that he was aware of my intentions. Withholding my breath, I made a silent plea, pleading for him to let this matter go just this once, thankful when the latter indulged my wishes after a couple of calculated nerve-wrecking silence with a deliberate careless shrug and a know-it-all trademark smirk, “Well, I’m sure that it’s night time somewhere in this world.”
Half smiling, I returned the smirk with an eye-roll and a swift retort on my own, “Whatever. Just don’t go blaming me for not stopping you when the fans complain how chubby and ahjussi you look from your alcohol intake.”
The half-smile stretching into a full grin upon Changmin’s obnoxious snort, “Please, I’m Shim Changmin. I don’t get fat.”
I missed this, the playful banter. It was all too easy falling back into pace with the DongBangShinKi maknae, as natural as riding a bike after a period of hiatus… almost as if the past four months’ worth of one-sided conversation was merely a figment of imagination instead of reality.
Resting in comfortable silence, we sat side by side, Changmin sipping on his second can of beer while I nursed my headache; the throbbing sensation escalating into a pounding in my bed as the minutes ticked by, and I contemplated on the wondrous idea of sleeping the day away after we were done with lunch.
“So, how have things been with Jiyong?”
I jolted back into reality at Changmin’s words, not having realized that I had spaced out. For the slightest moment, I hesitated, wondering if I should be honest for my burden was mine to bear alone.
The brief hesitation was what Changmin needed for he immediately had a frown marring his handsome features. Sensing that the idol was about to speak up, and would no doubt have the truth spilling out of me within a matter of minutes, I knew I had to do something to divert his attention fast.
“Look at those two! They are perfect for each other, don’t you think?”
Distracted, Changmin turned to where I was pointing at in confusion before letting out a light hearted chuckle at the sight of the Super Junior maknae being man-handled by the So Nyu Shi Dae shikshin.
“I told you! Too much salt, but did you listen? Nooo- ouch! Stop hitting me woman! Sheesh! And you wonder why no one wants to date y—Oow! Stop it!”
“They are so married.” Chuckled Changmin, sipping his beer as he continued watching the squabbling duo in amusement.
A light bulb lit up in my mind at Changmin’s words, smiling deviously as I recalled a particular piece of news that I had come across earlier this year.
“Speaking of being married…”
I watched my unsuspecting victim turn around with an eyebrow raised, his lips never leaving his can of beer.
“I think Victoria unnie will make a good wifey for you.” Only to have myself showered with alcohol as Changmin splayed his drink out upon my words.
Choking, the DBSK maknae thumped his chest hard repeatedly before wheezing out a strangled “Wha--?”
Reaching out for the tissue box, I wiped my face dry before gracing my companion with a teasing grin, “Aww, you don’t need to be shy Minnie~ I know everything.”
And when Changmin stared at me in confusion, my teasing smile only grew wider.
“Eyyyy. Don’t be like this~ I saw the news, the dating scandal! It all makes sense now actually, come to think of it.”
I huffed in exasperation at Changmin’s dazed look, wondering when had my best friend become so slow in his thinking. “The talk we had that September night in 2012 at SM? When I was basically bugging you to death about the girl you liked after Kyu accidentally let it slip that you adored someone in the company?”
Pausing for a moment when I saw understanding dawned onto the idol’s face, “Aha! You remember it now don’t you! Big gorgeous eyes with the prettiest smile that could light up the whole room… you were talking about unnie, weren’t you?! And you told me that it wasn’t her when I was guessing this mysterious lady of yours. Liar liar, pants on fire. Tsk tsk Changmin, and here I was thinking we were the best of friends.”
Changmin merely blinked once, his pair of orbs swirling with some unfathomed emotions at my mischievous grin before breaking the eye contact to stare ahead. His elbows resting on those muscular thigh of his as he sipped on his beer silently.
Misinterpreting Changmin’s stiff stance, I was relentless, determined to get my best friend to admit his feelings for the Fx leader. “As your number one girl best friend, I, Im Yoona, hereby officially give you my biggest blessing! Chuk-ha-hae! I totally approve of Victoria unnie by the way! You guys are purrrrr-fect together! Hehehe.”
Noticing that Changmin was dutifully ignoring me, I scooted closer. Nudging the idol repeatedly with my elbows, I ignored the incessant pounding in my head which seem to have been aggravated by the giddy excitement coursing through my system.
“Aww. Come on Min, don’t be like this. Share the juicy details with me!”
Pouting a little at Changmin’s continued silence, I made the decision to use another approach to get the desired reaction that I had been aiming for.
“Changmin and Victoria, sitting on a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.”
“Stop it.”
Giggling, I ignored the warning tone of Changmin’s command.
“Changmin and Victoria~”
“I mean it, quit it.”
“Sitting on a tree~”
“Im Yoona.”
“K-I-S-S-I-N—”
“I TOLD YOU TO STOP IT, DIDN’T I?!”
The bubbling laughter died off instantly as I froze in my seat, never having being on the receiving end of Changmin’s outburst once throughout the long years of our friendship. Even Sooyoung and Kyuhyun had ceased in whatever they were doing in the kitchen to gape at us in a mixture of shock and disbelief.
Swallowing nervously, I took in the sight of Changmin, his eyes shut tightly as he drew in long controlled breaths to ease his ragged breathing, only to flinch a little at the intensity of emotions in Changmin’s stare when the latter cracked his eyes open.
“It was you, dammit.” Whispered Changmin quietly after a couple of seconds of tense silence.
Alternating my glances between the duo whom were attempting to creep closer to listen in to our conversation and the singer who was looking at me with the tenderest expression that I had ever witnessed, I let out a barely audible squeak, “Bwoh?”
Exhaling a defeated sigh, Changmin ran his fingers through his black hair, “It was you, Yoona. I was talking about you that September night.”
And at my perplexed expression, the TVXQ member continued his confession. “I don’t have the slightest feelings for Victoria, Yoong. Qian is just a friend, nothing more. The girl that Kyu was talking about was you all along. You are the one that I’ve been in love with all these while, Im Yoona.”
I chuckled nervously under Changmin’s unblinking gaze, “Ha..Hah..hahaha. Wow, that was a good one Minnie, I nearly fell for it. Sensei Changmin indeed huh-”
“I’m not joking around Yoona.”
“But you and unnie match so well! This is a mistake. This has to be a mistake” My voice taking on a hysterical tone out of desperation.
“A mistake?” echoed Changmin disbelievingly.
“Y-yeah! You… erm, you must have confused your brotherly feelings for me for something else. Yes, that must be it! Yep, you’ll realized it soon enough! And after you get past this confusion, you’ll realize that Victoria unnie is who you wanted all along… yeah, I’m positive that’s the case! No worries, I won’t take this to heart and we’ll have a good laugh over this when we reminiscent the past in the fut---”
“I am not confused so don’t you dare tell me who I want. I know my own heart best and right now, you’re the one in possession of it. So listen to me loud and clear Im Yoona, I like you, just you, and I most certainly don’t want anyone else.”
My mind was in utter chaos, incapable of comprehending the current situation as the pounding in my head grew into sharp painful jabs, no doubt from the influx of bewilderment brought forth by the sudden turn of events.
Exhaling a shaky breath, I attempted to reason in the calmest possible voice, “B-But, I already have a boyfriend, Min!”
This just wasn’t possible! Illogical even! Changmin… Shim Changmin, in love, with me?! It just… it just can’t be done! There must be some form of misunderstanding somewhere, I’m sure of it!
“Well, it’s not as though he has been making you happy recently, hasn’t he?”
“That is none of your business, Shim Changmin!” I admonished firmly. Between the rising pressure within my head and mind boggling confession, Changmin had struck a raw spot by bringing up Jiyong.
“Alright kids, let’s just take a chill pill... Kyu, go fetch the watermelons we cut up earlier.” placated Sooyoung soothingly as she headed over to the couch cautiously.
“None of my business?!” exclaimed Changmin as he rose from the couch to tower over me.
Mirroring Changmin, I sprung from where I sat to jab a manicured nail into the latter’s hard chest, “Yes, it’s none of your business because you aren’t part of this relationship! You have no say!”
“Oh sureee, when it’s about my romantic issues, you get pull out the best friend card, but when we talk about yours, noooooo, this best friend of yours apparently had no right to meddle or have a say on how you were treated. How fair you are, Im Yoona.” Sneered Changmin sarcastically, crossing his arms over his chest as he glared me challengingly, as if daring me to dispute his words.
“Hey… what’s the ruckus about?” asked Tiffany warily from the hallway, in tow with Yuri, sensing the hostile atmosphere.
Ignoring my sisters and the sight of a gaping Kyuhyun holding onto a plate full of sliced watermelons, I glared at the lanky figure before me, “You know that it isn’t true, Shim Changmin!”
“True? What isn’t true is the fact that I am to be considered one of your closest friend!” rebutted Changmin.
“What the hell are you talking about now?!” Half-shrieking, I was a hair breadth away from pulling my hair and stomping my feet. The frustrations, the fight, the killer headache… I want it to all go away.
“What I’m talking about right now is the fact that you have been hiding so many important things from me!” irate flashing in those pair of mismatched eyes now that all composure had been thrown out of the window.
“I didn’t mean to! I was planning to tell you anyways!” I exclaimed defensively, knowing that Changmin was right but pride and frustration overrode the bubbling guilt.
“When?!” shouted Changmin.
“I don’t know! When the timing was right, maybe!”
“Right timing?! Does that mean that if you never did find the ‘right’ timing, you would have taken this secret to the grave, huh?!”
Exasperated, I threw my arms up as I paced away from my fuming counterpart, “URGH! Stop being so dramatic, Min! It would have been impossible to take it to my grave!”
“I am not being dramatic! I’m just so incredibly mad! Do you know how it’s like to find out these kind of thing from others and not from your trusted friend?! And I was supposed to be the close friend! First Jiyong and now the whole Jae and Junsu sh*t! Have you even once considered things from my freaking perspective then?! Did you even think things through?!! !”
Beyond frustrated, I felt my last patience snap at Changmin’s words. The comment insinuating that I had no thinking ability had struck a nerve, reminding me of the similar hateful comments by my antis, of the words that Jiyong spoke a few days back.
“Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!” screaming like a banshee at my best friend as I felt the tears burn my eyes, “Like you said, you’re supposed to be the close friend! Just the close friend. And I’ll have you know that I can think for myself! I know how to tell right from wrong! I know what’s good for me and what’s not! I’m not some stupid mindless tool, okay?!! I know perfectly well who and what makes me happy! Jiyong makes me happy, not you!! And certainly not anyone else who harbors secret feelings for me! Which is why Kwon Jiyong is my boyfriend while you’re nothing, nothing but a friend! You hear me?! Unlike what you lot think, I can actually think for my bloody self! Everyone should just back off and leave me the hell alone!!”
Panting, I glared defiantly at Changmin whom was surprisingly looking very much like a lost little pup, only to soften my stance and stare back to the latter in confusion when the DBSK member whispered a soft, “Nothing?”
“Wha-? Oh crap. Sh*t, that wasn’t what I meant, Min. God, I’m sor--”
“Wow. Thanks for clearing up the air, Im Yoona.”
“No! I--” the words dying in my throat when Changmin glared back piercingly. What have I done?
“Changmin, I--”
“Don’t bother, I’m just a friend right, Im Yoona-ssi.”
Gaping, I could only watch helplessly as the idol strode across the hall to the door, and with one last hurt filled glare, Changmin left with the slamming of the front door.
“Oh God, what have I done?” I whispered in horror as I staggered back to the couch.
Only to have my heart wrenched in an odd sensation, as if an invisible hand had made its way into my chest and had a firm vise-like grip around the beating organ, when only the stinging silence left in the wake of Changmin’s departure answered my whispers. Gasping, hot tears spilt down my cheeks and it didn’t take long for me to start brawling my eyes as I murmured my apologies to someone who wasn’t here anymore. I’m sorry Changmin-ah… Please come back… Come back.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"He'll come back, it's going to be okay." soothed Sooyoung as she gently cradled my head in her lap, bathing me in her love with every brush of my hair.
A small whimper escaped as I bunched my fists, my mind conjuring the image of the stormy combination of hurt and anger in Changmin's eyes with such clarity, the sound of Changmin slamming the door with such force still rang loud and clear in my ears.
"Sshh. He-He'll come back. He always comes back for you." reiterated Sooyoung and I would have believed her words if it wasn't for the little catch in her voice, mirroring that one doubt that has been swimming in my head.
No he wouldn’t, not this time. I screwed up so bad and I don’t have the slightest idea as to how to fix it.
Little bouts of gasps escaped my lips just as I started tearing up again, burrowing my head further into Sooyoung's lap as I choked on the truth of my thoughts; Changmin isn't coming back... my best friend had left me for good. And I couldn't decide what was worse; being forsaken by someone so dear to me or the fact that I was the one who had practically sent him away myself.
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Annyeong Yoroboon!
My best friend has a theory; my updates have a direct relation with Yoochun's activities.
HAHAHAHA. Come to think of it, it's rather true... Heh. XD
Right, so the update took longer than I thought it would... three words, my beloved readers; Busy Busy Busy.
To think that I aimed to finish this by August when I first started it, yikes. I doubt that it's actually possible considering we're already left with about two more weeks to Aug... :( so right now, all I hope for is to reach by 'goal' chapter by the time Aug comes knocking, which is approx 3-4 more chaps... can it be done? eeeek.
Next up, sending my thanks to the recent subscribers; Scarletroze, zaldaher, mitoyoong, YoongBaby, ChodingYoong07, redmarshmellow, yoonyultaesic09, Kpoplforever88, wicked01, HiAndGoodbye & miley552 and also to the lovely commenters! ^^
Not forgetting migore_lela, GhyHwang, michiusa, HiAndGoodybe & miley552 for the upvotes! :D ♥
Okay, just a couple more of things to say;
1. As much as I hate making Yoong suffer, it has to be done. :(
I just promise that it'll be worth it in the end. So, get ready for a roller coaster ride for the following chaps. I did mention once that I'm someone who likes a whole lot of rain/storm before the sun comes out again right? Hehehe.
2. Those searching for answers about Yoong's accident (the prologue), I assure you the answers will be revealed in due time. It's not far now, since we're in the 2013 timeframe. Just a lil more alright? :)
3. Yep, it's time to rock that Gyoon ship /evil grins/
That's about it! And I'm off to watch Yoochun in Happy Camp! ^^
(Now you see where my bestie derives her theory from.)
See you guys real soon,
xoxo, againhello.
08/12/17: Yes, it’s a legitimate chapter update. Trust me, I’m as surprised as you are. Enjoy!! :))
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