Chapter Four

“Wish?” Junhyung raised his eye brows, looking at Yoseob who was still playing with his fingers. Was something wrong? Why did Yoseob look like he was guilty? Plus, as far as he knew, Yoseob was his hallucination. How a hallucination could have a wish? Could his brain create this too? What was this? A test?

 Junhyung mind kept thinking but he did not stop what he supposed to do. He took the toothbrush hanged on the wall beside the mirror. “So, what is your wish?” Junhyung asked, not looking at Yoseob as he was putting some toothpaste on the tooth brush before he shoved it into his mouth.

Yoseob kept looking down, shaking his head, making his soft silky hair slightly moved.“I... I can’t remember,” he said in a guilty tone, afraid if Junhyung would be mad at him again. He knew he should told Junhyung this important matter since he first came last night but he thought Junhyung could not see him at first as the older guy kept ignoring him although he noticed some eye contacts. When he finally knew that Junhyung was able to see him, that older guy was not in a good mood because of the words from Doojoon. Yoseob thought he could tell Junhyung this morning but then the rapper just won’t wake up until Kikwang came.

Junhyung quickly turned to Yoseob, frowning as he was confused, not saying a word as he did not want to stop brushing his teeth. That was weird. Did his brain have problem with creating a wish for Yoseob? Junhyung kept silent and turned back to the mirror as he quickly finished washing up himself. Still, his brain was still thinking about Yoseob. That was weird, for a hallucination to have a wish. But it could be the hard work of his brain. Still, why would his brain create a hallucination with a wish that he could not remember? Junhyung decided to ask what-he-thought his hallucination before he became truly insane because of all those weird thoughts.

“Yoseobie,” Junhyung called while he kept looking at the mirror in front of him. “What are you actually? A hallucination?” Junhyung turned to Yoseob, looking puzzled.

Yoseob shook his head. “No, hyung. I’m a soul,”

“A soul?” Junhyung frowned. “You mean a ghost?”

Yoseob nodded softly, hesitated. All this time, Junhyung did not know that he was a ghost. Would Junhyung be scared of him? But, Junhyung was not afraid of ghost. Would the older boy be angry because he did not tell the truth? That sounded more logical. Junhyung did not like people lie to him.

Junhyung wiped his face with the towel while his head was still wondering. Yoseob was a ghost? Was that even a logic explanation for what had happened? Junhyung never believed in ghost and that was one of the reasons he thought that Yoseob was his hallucination. Junhyung seriously frowned, kept wondering.

Yoseob felt relieved that Junhyung did not look angry although he did look confused. Well, anyone would be confused if they were in Junhyung’s situation. But, just to check that he was not mad. “You are not mad, aren’t you?” Yoseob innocently asked, looking at Junhyung who was walking out off the bathroom.

Junhyung turned to Yoseob and smiled casually. “No, Seobie,” He ruffled the boy smooth silky hair. “Why would I be mad?” Junhyung actually felt much better now he knew that Yoseob was not a hallucination. His sceptical that ghost did not exist instantly disappeared. That meant Yoseob that was standing in front of him now, was Yoseob, a real one.

Yoseob instantly smiled, happy knowing that Junhyung was not angry with him. He also happy to hear Junhyung finally used his pet name. “Because Junnie hyung always angry when something bad happens,” he replied using the pet name. He missed calling Junhyung using that name.

Junhyung who was walking to the drawer stopped his steps listening to Yoseob’s words. They made him remembered what his attitude was like that night, the very chilly night when they all lost Yoseob.

Five years ago, 12 o’clock in the midnight, Junhyung was truly tired after spending a full 25 hours in his studio, weakly walked into Beast dorm. The light at the entrance automatically switched on and Junhyung ignored it. He was too tired to look around but he knew the kitchen and the living room were empty. He could not remember the other members schedule but he could guess that not all of them were in the house.

Then, he noticed how the house looked like. The living room was filled with trail of clothes on the sofa, coffee table and floor. Some sports and cars magazines, comics, glasses and cups were lying around the coffee table and floors. The kitchen was a total mess as the dishes filled the sinks and table top counter.

Junhyung sighed, trying to tolerate the situation. He could not stand mess and dirt so, he pulled up his sleeves and started picking up the lying clothes at the living room. The anger slowly filled him as he was tired and the number of clothes seemed like it would not end. Finally, the living room was free from dirty lying clothes.

Then, someone else entered the house. It was Hyunseung and Kikwang who had just back from a schedule.

“Yo!” Hyunseung greeted when he saw Junhyung.

Junhyung just replied with his tired looking eyes. “Could you help me clean all these?” Junhyung asked, hoping for a good reply.

“Sorry, I’m tired. I have a schedule early in the morning. Have to rest,” Hyunseung replied simply as he casually walked to his shared room with Doojoon.

“Me too,” Kikwang added as he went to his room which was also Junhyung’s.

Junhyung sighed, feeling betrayed. He too, was tired and had to go to meet Tiger hyung, a professional and respected composer in the next morning but he was too tired to argue.

Then, Junhyung heard a door opened and closed, footsteps approaching the living room. He ignored them, picking up the glasses and cups in the living room.

“Yah! Where are all the clothes here?” Doojoon who had just came out of his room asked in a high tone, sounded mad.

“I put them all in the washing machine,” Junhyung tiredly answered as he brought all the glasses he could all to the sink.

“What? I want to wear them for tomorrow schedule,” Doojoon replied madly as he quickly went to the washing machine. He was fuming to know that the machine had started to spin and the clothes had wet. “! Why don’t you ask me first before you wash the clothes?” Doojoon turned to Junhyung, looking at him furiously.

Junhyung frowned, feeling incredibly mad. “How should I know? You never told me!” he replied, half-shouted.

Doojoon stepped closer to Junhyung, holding his fist. “Do you know how important my schedule tomorrow? ! Now, what should I wear IDIOT?” Doojoon was technically screaming for the last part.

Junhyung was also holding himself from doing any physical fight. “I’m not an idiot and you are not the only one who has schedule, you stupid jerk!”

Doojoon was about to say a word but stopped when he noticed that Yoseob who was wearing a snow white earmuff and cardigan was there, looking at them with his sad looking eyes. It seemed like the boy was getting ready to go out.

“Hyung,” Yoseob sadly spoke. “Don’t fight,”

Junhyung did not need to turn around the recognized the owner of the voice. “Shut up, Yoseob! You don’t know anything,”

Doojoon decided to keep quiet. He did not like to show his bad side to Yoseob especially when the boy was too sensitive. He could hurt him without even knowing.

“But, hyung,” Yoseob softly tapped Junhyung’s shoulder.

Unexpectedly, Junhyung pushed that little boy aside, making him fell while his earmuff dropped out from his head and landed on the wooden floor. “Can’t you just shut up? Stop meddling in other business,”

“Hyung,” Yoseob kept trying to calm Junhyung down as he kept looking at the taller boy eyes, trying to tell everything with his moist eyes as he was still on the floor.

“Stop it, crybaby! I’m too tired to be your fake mummy. Couldn’t you just get out of my life?” Junhyung knew he had hurt the innocent sensitive guy. However, Junhyung was too angry to feel guilty for what he had done.

“Junhyung!” Doojoon shouted, not agreed with what he had done.

Yoseob teary eyes looked at Junhyung for the last time before he picked up his earmuff, stood up and rushed out of the house.

Junhyung just kept standing, watching when Doojoon quickly chased Yoseob. Then, he realized that he owed the sensitive boy an apology but he quickly shook the thought off, thinking that he could do that in the next morning when he was in a better mood. Far from his knowledge, that would be the last time he saw the naive boy and he would not have another chance to apologize for what he had done.

“Hyung,” a soft voice killed Junhyung thought of his past. He then turned to the adorable boy who was calling for him.

“Hyung, hurry up. Kikwang is waiting,” Yoseob whined as he tried to remind Junhyung that he had taken quite a long time.

“Okay, I’ll be ready after I change my clothes,” Junhyung replied, smiling to the younger boy. Yoseob was here, the real Yoseob. Maybe he could use this chance to redeem himself, if that even possible. He had always wanted the next day where he could apologize to Yoseob and made him laugh instead of cry.

Yoseob replied him with a smile, a sweet and adorable one. A smile that he had killed 5 years ago. A smile that he had been longing for years. A smile that no one else can imitate. A smile from a guy named, Yang Yoseob.

Junhyung slightly smile, replying as he picked a white shirt, wore it and covered it with a black coat to face the cold weather. Then, he casually walked out of the room, to the living room, noticed that Kikwang was still sitting on the sofa as he expected. “I’m ready,” Junhyung said unemotionally.

Yoseob was standing beside Junhyung, excited to visit his own grave which he never had the chance to visit.

Kikwang gave him a nod, stood up from his seat and walked towards Junhyung. “Let’s go. I’m going with the manager hyung and he is waiting down there. Want to join us?” Kikwang asked, explaining. He could guess the answer but since he was wrong before, he could be wrong again and he was actually hoped that his guess would be wrong.

“No, I will drive,” Junhyung answered as his hand searched for Yoseob’s hand and instantly held it, bringing them to his coat pocket. He did not want the boy to go to Kikwang side again. He wanted Yoseob to be with him.

Yoseob turned to Junhyung, looking at the taller boy confusedly. Was something wrong with Junhyung? However, Junhyung did not look sad or angry, he was looking at Kikwang with his usual expression which people would call an unemotional expression. Yoseob replied the hold and smiled. Maybe, Junnie hyung just wanted some skinship as the older boy loved it although he never said it out loud. Junhyung was the type who showed everything by action instead of words and Yoseob liked him because of that.

“Alright,” Kikwang answered as he walked to the door. Then, he stopped, turned his head to Junhyung who was still standing at the place, looking at him with an expression that Kikwang could not read. Kikwang looked at Junhyung confusedly. “Not going?” he asked, wondering if Junhyung changed his mind again.

“I will be there, don’t worry,” Junhyung replied. “You go first and we will meet there,” Junhyung continued.

Kikwang nodded, understood and walked out of the house. He suddenly felt a little bit sad, knowing that there was possibility that Junhyung would not be there. But, at least he showed some interest to visit Yoseob’s grave. Kikwang weakly smiled, feeling a little bit relieved, knowing that Junhyung still had the chance to be his old self.

Junhyung turned to Yoseob, smiled slightly. “Let’s go,” He kept Yoseob hand in his pocket, still holding it. Yoseob’s hand was neither warm nor cold. Junhyung could not explain Yoseob’s hand with temperatures or words. But, he knew he loved those hands, the hands that always reached for him.

Yoseob joyfully nodded, happy, liking the response from Junhyung. There was no more ignoring or scolding, it was just Junhyung and his caring action.

Junhyung was driving slowly, searching for a place to park. While doing so, he could see the black vehicle parked in front of the memorial park. He knew it was the Cube Entertainment’s van. There was no sign of others people than Kikwang and his manager. Junhyung did not sure if other Beast members even visit Yoseob. Well, he had no right to complain since he himself never visit the boy’s grave.

Junhyung drived his car right behind the van and got off from his car, locked it after Yoseob was also out of the car. Casually, he climbed the stairs of the memorial park, searching for Kikwang since he did not know where Yoseob’s grave was. He did not even come to the funeral years ago. Junhyung smirked, thinking how a big jerk he could be. Then, he saw the shorter man, standing in front of a tombstone with another man, looked like he was talking to the stone.

Junhyung made his way to Kikwang, noticed that Yoseob was following him.

“We are all fine, Yoseob. Don’t worry and have a good time up there,”

Junhyung could listen to the words as he was now closed enough to Kikwang. He intentionally inertly coughed, to gain the younger boy attention.

Kikwang noticed a strange cough and quickly turned to the source. He slightly smiled when he saw Junhyung, gladded to see him finally came here. “You’re here,”

Junhyung nodded. “Yeah,” he simply answered as his sight turned to the light grey tombstone in front of Kikwang. Yang Yoseob, 5 January 1990 – 19 December 2013 was written on it. There were a lot of flowers, teddy bears, plush toys around it. It showed how Yoseob was still loved even after 5 years of his death.

“So many gifts,” Junhyung could hear Yoseob exclaimed, sounded touched and happy. You deserve it, Yoseobie. Junhyung thought.

Kikwang stepped backward, giving Junhyung a space. “Hyung, any words for Yoseobie?”

Junhyung cleared his throat as it was his first time to stand in front of Yoseob’s tombstone. However, it was awkward for him to say something to Yoseob’s grave while he was right here, standing beside him.

“I will go if you need a private moment,” Kikwang volunteered, noticing how Junhyung hesitated.

Junhyung shook his head. It was not because of Kikwang. It was Yoseob that caused him to waver. He was not sure if it was fear for rejection or it was his high ego. Still, there was one question that always lingered in his head all these years.

“I will wait in the van,” the manager hyung volunteered, understood and walked out of the situation casually.

Kikwang also turned away, wanted to follow his manager but...

“Kikwang,” Junhyung called in a low voice.

“Yes, hyung,” Kikwang instantly replied, turning his sight to Junhyung. Somewhere deep in him, a scent of happiness sparked when Junhyung called his name. Junhyung had rarely used the name because they barely even had a proper conversation for years.

“Do you think Yoseob will forgive me?” Junhyung asked, looking down. It was actually meant for Yoseob. He could not bring himself to ask Yoseob directly so he used this approach. He knew Yoseob heard him loud and clear. He did not even anticipate in Kikwang’s answer.

However, Yoseob remained in silent which was unusual.

Junhyung bit his lower lip, frustrated that Yoseob did not reply him. He knew Yoseob was standing beside him but he was afraid of what will the boy looked like. Yoseob was someone who could not hide his feeling well. Every emotion would be showed well using his facial expression and body language. Junhyung was afraid if Yoseob was looking at him with those eyes, unforgiving eyes, filled with pain and hatred.

“I’m sure he forgives you, hyung. Yoseobie had a very kind warm heart,” Kikwang explained, turned his body to face Junhyung properly as he tried to smile.

Yoseob was looking at Junhyung blankly as he could not understand what the conversation was about. What did Junhyung mean by forgiving him? Junhyung never did a wrong thing.

Junhyung smirked insanely. “You’re wrong. That idiot never forgive me,” Junhyung held his fist, trying to control his tears. He decided to take Yoseob silent as an answer of no. No, that boy never forgave him.

Kikwang was shocked, Junhyung never showed this side to him, not even once. He usually tried to endure the pain alone and it had been years since he did that. That’s right. Junhyung had suffered for years now. It was about the right time for him to stop. He should stop remembering Yoseob and punished himself. He should just move on because he also deserved forgiveness and happiness.

Yoseob shook his head, not agreeing with Junhyung words. Why should he forgive him if the older boy never did a wrong thing? However, before Yoseob could speak out...

“Stop it, hyung. Forget Yoseobie. You have to move on. We all have moved on,” Kikwang sounded as he was begging. He was begging so Junhyung would not suffer anymore.

Unexpectedly, Junhyung cried. “How can I forget him? I’m the one who kill him!” Junhyung was half-screamed, looking at Kikwang with his teary eyes.

Kikwang was shocked, with the scream and tears but that would not stop him from convincing Junhyung. “No, it’s not y...”

Kikwang fell on his back as he was hit by Junhyung, unexpectedly. He could not finish his sentence.

“Shut up! I kill Yoseob!” Junhyung insisted, still holding his fist.

Kikwang looked up at Junhyung with a trail of blood at the corner of his lip and showed Junhyung his sullenly moist teary eyes.

Junhyung was stunned as he saw Kikwang expression. For Junhyung, it was alike with the last look Yoseob gave to him before the accident and he hated that look. Those similar painful teary eyes showed how much they had been hurt and that was why Junhyung hated them. He hated them because he was the reason those eyes were hurt and suffered. Yes, he was the reason.  

“I wish it’s you that die. Yoseob deserve to live. He would never let us hurt like you did,” Kikwang said those words in a fast pace as he cried, frustrated for a reason that he did not know. He quickly stood up, rushed to his van who used to be Beast’s. Only Kikwang knew that those words were actually meant for him and only he knew the reason.

“Kiki!” Yoseob voice was finally heard but he did not chase that boy, wanted to stay with Junhyung. He looked at Junhyung sadly with his silent tears. Everything was happening too fast for him to response. He did not know what he should do now. He could not understand much. He did not what had happened after his death and it made him felt frustrated, feeling like he was leave behind. But, it hurt him more to see the older boy cried and it hurt him more when Junhyung hurt others because it meant he was truly in pain that he could not control his action.

“Hyung,” Yoseob then turned to Junhyung, calling the name to sooth the older boy.

Junhyung turned so his back was facing Yoseob, not wanting to look at the younger boy. “Shut up, Yoseob,” he quickly replied as the tears in his eyes kept flowing.

Yoseob kept silent but he stepped forward, until he was standing very close to Junhyung back. He stretched his arm, wanted to hold the older boy.

“Leave me,” Yoseob instantly froze when he heard those words, killing his intention to give Junhyung a back hug.

“Why don’t you leave me alone?” Junhyung continued with his sullenly trembling voice. “Leave me...” if you could not forgive me. Let me atone for what I have done with the pain of missing you, misery of longing for you, ache of yearning for you. Just leave me so I would suffer for hurting you and cause your death. Just, leave me alone.

Junhyung was crying so bad that he could not said those words out loud. His eyes were blurry because of the continuous tears, his nose was blocked and his lips could not stop quivering.

It was a very painful and heartbreaking scene for Yoseob. Yoseob too, was crying as he straightened back his arms to his side, making a slow hesitated step backward. If leaving Junhyung would sooth him then he would leave him. If leaving Junhyung would make the older boy stopped crying, then Yoseob would gladly leave him. He was selfish to come to Junhyung just because of his unknown wish.

Yoseob smiled in his tears. “Bye bye, Junnie hyung,” he whispered as he silently walked away, leaving Junhyung crying alone in front of the grey tombstone.

Author’s note:

Is it too complicated?
I hope it’s understandable.

I’m sorry if this is too long.
I just want to compile all these in one chapter so that I can add new characters in the next chapter.

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