i stand at the ledge of the dorm's rooftop under the pouring rain with an umbrella at one hand, and a cup of recently boiled water on the other. Its one of those days again, when i would be waken up by the sound of rain hitting glass. whenever this delightful day happens, i would immediately grab a jacket and boil a cup of water. I use to get my secret stash of blades under my matress when this day comes, but now . . i've found an alternative. an alternative where no one can really know what i've done to myself. i've done this a couple of times really. and i think i can say that i already got used to the daily routine. well . . daily if it rains for the whole week. and if it does, i'd find myself doing it every single day. i did get use to the routine, but i never got use to the pain. the pain always manages to break something inside of me. something that isnt even physical. but whatever breaks, i just let it get broken. whatever breaks, its not important. its useless. because i'm useless

After the night we spent together, Hoya avoids every possible contact with me. may it be talking, or simply physical contact. whenever i'm left alone with him, he leaves. everytime i try to say something, he walks away and pretends as if i dont even exist. and whenever i do get a chance to talk to him, he just nods or shakes his head. did i do something wrong? was i a burden that night? shouldnt i just shut my mouth and didnt complain about the heat? if i knew this would happen, i wouldnt have done all the things i did that night. everything's just a big mess right now. i really cant figure out what's the right thing to do. 

i threw the white umbrella that i hold in my hand in the ground, rolled my sleeves up and slowly poured the mug filled with recently boiled water over my right arm. i wince. the hot water against skin feels like sharp blades cutting across fragile cloth. i only poured the water on a spot on my arm and soon, that specific spot turned red and painful.

once i emptied my cup, i rolled my sleeves down again, grabbed the umbrella, and pretend as if nothing happened.

and indeed.

nothing happened.

---------------------

Sunggyu-hyung always comes up in the rooftop everytime it rains with his favorite mug and his white umbrella. its been raining everyday for the past 2 weeks and he's been there every morning for 2 weeks. he would wake up earlier than everyone else and when he comes back, breakfast's almost done. We only look at him suspiciously with his damp hair and wet clothes. when he sees us looking at him, he'd just smiles at us. but he smiles like he's very happy? but then .. when you look closely at his smile, you'd see a small hint of pain in it. but no matter what, at least he's smiling. he really must love the rain. 

when he comes back from the rooftop, he immidiately goes to the bathroom to change but pauses for a while to smile at us whenever he catches us looking at him. the boys would talk about what he does up there whenever he's not in sight.

"maybe he's just sipping coffee there. he does bring his mug there all the time." said sungjong while popping a frok-full of eggs into his mouth. 
"yeah . . i mean, what else is there to do in that rooftop under the pouring rain? nothing!" Sungyeol stated. 

everyone does the same thing too like Sunggyu-hyung when it rains. They talk about the same things, say the same things, and do the same things. its like de ja vu. 

after a few jokes here and there about what he does up in the rooftop, Sunggyu-hyung finally comes out of the bathroom. he held in his hand his morning clothes and towel. he's already dressed in his outdoor clothes and is hurying to his room. 

"you know what?" asked myungso "he seems jumpy recently too"
"hm? what do you mean?" asked dongwoo.
"like he's afraid of getting caught doing something."said myungsoo 
"afraid of getting caught doing what?" asked sungjong
"well thats just it, we dont know." answered myungsoo while flipping the morning paper
."wanna find out hyung?" asked sungjong while nudging woohyun, however woohyun didnt answer and just continued shifting his breakfast with his fork.but even if woohyun-hyung pretends that he doesnt care about what's happening, its clearly written in his face that he's wondering too. i mean, c'mon? who wouldnt? who wouldnt be curious about a person who disappears so early in the morning when its mercilessly pouring?

after a while, Sunggyu-hyung finally came out of his shared room and sat down to eat breakfast. he grabbed some toast and spread some cream cheese and strawberry jam in it. he eats his breakfast silently while all of us become paranoid with thoughts about what he does up in the rooftop. for some reason, i always find myself starring at his arms. but his bare arms are always blocked by the long sleeves he wears. for some reason, i can feel that he's hiding something under his clothes.

i grabbed a glass of strawberry milk and gulped it in one go. i stood up from the table and left. 
i can feel the stare that sunggyu-hyung gives me whenever i'd leave him behind. 
' i'm sorry hyung ' i whispered. 

i left the kitchen and pretended as if nothing happened.

and indeed

nothing happened.   

-------------------------

my arms feel stuffy with the long sleeves i wear. i sweat a lot recently too. if only i dont need to hide my burnt arms, then i swear i would walk around the dorm with my top-half . 

Because of the incident i caused at our comback, we were forced to re-schedule it. and no matter how hard the company tries to cover up what i did, the media still managed to cover everything that happened. our group was at every tabloid, at every front page, at every top story, and at every headline in all of korea and propably the whole world too. it also trended as the no.1 topic in a social media site.

the boys got the courage to open their social networking accounts 5 days after the incident but it took me weeks before i chose to open mine. the boys always looked mad during the first days they opened their accounts. woohyun even looked like he was about to throw his phone. but after a few days, their anger faded little by little and they now smile whenever they read what's on their walls.I read the posts that are on my wall and found that both haters and fans posted in it. some are hatefull and some our encouraging too.

but what shocked me the most is that a video of me fainting infront of woohyun, and dongwoo-carrying me out of the scene- showed up in the internet.
dongwoo told me we were alone when that happened, but i guess he didnt see a certain group's stylist video-taping everything. woolim saw the video but decided to let it stay. They say it gives me an excuse to mess up on stage. but since they know more about this publicity business, i just let them do what they need to do even if i just want to tear it down. 

the boys and i, (but its mostly me) has been in countless talkshows. 
when the other members are there, we only talk about the new song. and whenever the topic of me-despite being sick, still performed on stage surfaces, we all stir away from it. saying that "we're not really comfortable with you talking about what happened with our gyu-hyung." it worked on our first tries with some woogyu-fan service too with woohyun constantly staying by my side and wiping off my sweat. whispering to the fans "my love's sick", but soon, the tv stations thought of a clever idea of inviting only me into their shows. i thought woolim would decline, but it ended up them saying 'yes' to every invitation. i was panicking when i found out that they said yes to EVERY-SINGLE-ONE.

the talk show hosts practically grilled me. and yeah, i was toast.

"sunggyu-ssi, is it true that you were sick when you had your comeback?" the mc asked.
"y-yes . . its true." i answered.
"aigoo, why are you stuttering? omo so cute!" she said.
i smiled, i can see how she's trying to make me feel comfortable with such a topic."just nervous." i answered. 
"oh . . why?" she asked while straightening her revealing short dress.
"its not really a comfortable topic." i said.
she slowly nodded. "it says here you told no one that you were sick, why?"
i shifted my sitting position, nervous if mere honesty can get me out of this one. i looked to my left and found hoya intently watching on how i'd respond. he just gave me a nod of approval that he knows i'll do great. 

hoya has been with me in every one-on-one interview i've been in. the two of us would always be awkward inside the van, but as this one-on-one thing drag longer, i found him patting my back and saying "you've done good hyung, dont worry. let the edditing team show the people the greatness in you." he said.
i would only smile back at him without saying another word.

"sunggyu-ssi?" the mc said, snapping me back to reality.
"oh . . sorry." i answered.
"so" she said."whats the reason?"
"because i dont want to be a burden." I stated with a visible bitter smile. the mc just looked at me with such . . admirance. "afterall the things we've been through practicing our new song, i dont want to stop our progress. i dont want to halt everything they've worked so hard for. i dont want to stop them from moving foreward. i want them to be , , better than they already are." i said, however, we all know this isnt the whole truth right? yeah, all those things i said are true, but i didnt really say the whole truth. i cant risk myself being seen crying on live television. besides, if they knew the whole truth, not only are the boys going to laugh at me, the whole world will too. and the evident lack of self esteem that i have will be feasted upon by the media too. so i rather not tell the whole truth and be destroyed too. 

i ended my answer with a flawless faked smile that i've been practicing recently infront of the mirror ever since this one-on-one sessions started. i looked at the mc and found her in the brink of tears while truthfully smiling at me. she patted my thigh "well you sure are a good leader. selfless too, but i guess . . too selfless." she said. she then grabbed a hanky that has been cleverly concealed behind the couch pillows and wiped her tears. "next time, tell them when you're not well ok? i'm sure they'll understand." she adviced while patting my thigh. i only smiled and nodded. i was a little relieved and amused. was the thing that i said . . so emotional? i dont really think anyone would buy the truth. i guess woolim know better.

the show ended with the mc saying that its been the end of the show and that she'll want to see her viewers next week too. well, she said all this with her uncontrollably crying.

"sunngyu-ssi!! i hate you!! you made me cry!!" she jokingly said after the show ended and is readying to go home.
"oh i'm sorry" i answered while standing up, readying myself to bow infront of her. i was about to do so when she suddenly ingulf me into a tight hug.
"next time . . " she said. "tell them you're not well. you've suffered a lot with the bashes you've recieved from your fans just for your members."
"no really, its fine." i said.
"the producer even wanted to make you cry infornt of  korea and so he decided to talk about the bashes that you got in your sms. its a good thing you said that it was for your members or else we could've ended up telling the people that you're weak and conceited" she informed.
"oh . . " was the only thing i can say. 

the tight hug was broken when hoya tapped the mc's shoulder signalling that its time for me to go. 
"i'm sorry but my gyu-hyung's busy." he said. the mc then let go of the tight hug, patted my shoulders and left. 

hoya and i are at the van now ready to go to wherever we need to go. after the interview with the crying mc this morning, we went to various places too. and now i'm extremely tired. i look at my watch to find that its already 10pm. i'm hungry now too. i swear i'd give anything for a vanilla ice cream right now. 

"hoya lets eat"i said while lightly punching his arms with my eyes closed. 
"oh yeah, its late. what do you want hyung?" he asked.
"i want vanilla ice cream" i said. "vanilla ice cream like we use to have it " i added.
he chuckled and smiled "whatever you say hyung."

we were still on the road when i told him i wanted to eat, and so, we couldnt just stop and eat. i slept through the entire trip back to seoul with the promise of hoya waking me up-when we find the blue heaven ice cream shop- in mind. my dream's never changing, recently, its about breaking glass and its shards flying to sungyeol causing him to get injured. its the 3rd time i woke up becuase of this repeating dream. i really need sugar now. fast. or i might really lose it.

"hyung we're here." hoya said. i looked outside the window to find our favorite ice cream shop still standing in the same street and at the same spot. this certain ice cream shop's the only kind in the world. hoya and i would buy ice cream here and walk to a park and talk when we were just trainees. the ahjuma who sells ice cream here knows the two of us personally and she was there, front row, on our first world tour chanting along with the fans. she gave us my favorite vanilla ice cream too when she was there.

i immidiately ran out of the van and opened the doors to my favorite ice cream shop. even when its already midnight, the shop's still open.
the ahjuma's very prophetic. i asked her why she's still open at this time of night once. she said her 'magical' ice cream draws people when its late at night. i asked her why and she said. "because people only let the truth flow when its night, when no one can see their sorrow."  

i was greeted with the same smile and the same smell of vanilla once i opened the door. 
"sunggyu-ssi" she called out. "its been awhile" she said. 
"oh!! hoya's here too!!" she cheered. i looked over my shoulder to find hoya waving at the ahjuma with his smile flashed on. 
"we want the usual~!!!" i yelled while running towards the counter. however, once i reached the counter, i received a hard smack on the head.
"dont run around the store sunggyu-ssi. do i need to remind you again what happens to boys who run around my store?" she asked with a creepy smile.
"n-no" i said
"good." she said. she turned her back and came back with two vanilla popsicle sticks. hoya then payed for everything, bid our farewells, and left.
we walked and walked while we talk about the old days and stopped to sit down on a bench once we reached the park. we finished our ice creams there. and just like we usually do, we see if any of us recieved a golden star in our sticks. and just like all the time, hoya got one and i didnt.

"so unfair" i mumbled.
"not really hyung, its just luck." he answered.
"but its always like this all the time!!" i yelled. i crossed my arms out of frustration and pouted.
hoya chuckled, but soon, his happy chuckling faded. i looked at him to find him with a serious look in his face.
"hyung . . " he called out.
"yes?" i answered.
"theres . . something you must know" he said.

the midnight air blows winds that are so strong that it makes trees sway and create rustling noises that are both calming and annoying.
the rustling of the leaves mask out the silence that stands between me and hoya.
and soon, it also masked out the truth and made it only for his and my ears.

we left the park prentending that we said and did nothing.

and indeed

nothing happened.

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