Junsu's P.O.V.


I drove in silence. As soon as we hit the highway Dongwan sink in deeper into his seat and started sobbing. I looked at him, slightly panicked.

"Wannie." I said, looking back at the road. "Wannie, stop."

"It's all my fault." He cried, looking down. I guess he needed to let it out.

"What are you talking about? You haven't done anything." I started again.

"No, I shouldn't have left him all these days. I never had time for him... I..." he cried harder. I listened, not knowing what to say. I knew how much Hyesung missed him, but it really wasn't his fault.

I didn't know what to do. Stuck with two hyungs in mess, one with a fever and another one crying his eyes out... This was everything I didn't expect from my first day of winter break. I just continued driving in silence and eventually Dongwan calmed down, wiped his face and looked through the window. He sighed. I echoed.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

"Yeah." He nodded and paused. "How have you been Junsu?" his question surprised me, but I realized what he meant. He didn't have time for any of us, Hyesung, me... he didn't know what was going on in our lives anymore.

"I've been okay." I shrugged.

"You and Changmin are getting along better." He said. It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

"N-no." I stuttered, not knowing how to respond. There was a change, but I didn't know if it was for better. I didn't want it to be better, hating each other was so much better. At least I knew what I was doing, what I wanted and, most of all, what I felt.

"I saw that hug." Wannie said smirking slightly and glancing at me.

"That didn't mean anything." I said blushing. I didn't want to feel like this.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because there's nothing to talk about." I lied again.

"It didn't look like it." He said, but I didn't reply. Wannie always knew when to stop. The rest of the trip went on in silence.


JunJin's P.O.V.


Yoochun and I haven't spoken on our way home. I didn't want to talk to him and we both knew that he won't speak unless I start first.

It has been like that ever since he was born. He has always been a strange kid, so indoor, so independent. It looked like he didn't need anyone and I didn't complain about it, I preferred not being bothered. He was my dongsaeng and throughout the years it burdened me. Until I grew up.

In high school it finally started to annoy me. Most of my friends were close to their siblings. Even when they fought, even when they annoyed each other there was that silent agreement, a secret everyone knew. They loved each other and would do anything for each other. Yoochun and I were different.

But it was already late. He grew up. We weren't in position where he could look up at me and I would be there for him through his growing up. It was all over. And the bond I suddenly wanted to achieve couldn't be made just like that. Not after all the years of ignoring him, not after all the years of not knowing him. We lived in the same house, but we were total strangers. I was even surprised when I heard he applied for the same college as me. I was surprised he was serious about it. About music, about art in general.

It turned out he was more serious then me.

Roles changed. Or that was what I wanted to think. The truth was that he has always been the mature one, the older one. Deep down I knew it too well, our whole family did. We looked perfect from the outside. Everyone thought our parents got lucky to have such nice boys, smart, responsible and handsome. Luck had nothing to do with it, it was all our dad's work. But although relationships between our parents and us could be described as nearly perfect, relationship between Yoochun and me spoiled the image of perfect family.

We were strangers. And... I envied him.

He never wanted anything, he never needed anything. But he got it all. Appa loved him more then me, I have always been umma's favorite. They thought I didn't know, but I would often hear him say:

"He's your boy, how could you not raise him well? Look at Yoochun, why can't he be more like him? The boy is working so hard and he respects me. Junjin just wants to have fun. Life is no fun. When will he learn it?"

Of course, he talked to me about it, we had a couple of fights, but I knew appa loved me. He just loved Yoochun more. I was never good enough, even though umma defended me and supported me no matter what. I felt the urge to compete with my little dongsaeng and as much as I tried to suppress it, it finally came out.

I glanced at him from my passenger seat. Of course, appa trusted him more with the car. Yoochun sighed softly, keeping his eyes on the road. I glanced away and out of the window, returning to my thoughts.

Eric... Eric was something I didn't want to let Yoochun have. I knew Yoochun wanted him, he couldn't fool me. I truly liked Eric, I wanted him. If I got something from appa it would be stubbornness. Yoochun was the one who'd give up, as much as we were strangers I was still hyung to him. I knew one thing about him, he'd do anything for family. If that meant giving up someone he liked, then be it. I knew that too well and I was taking advantage of it.

Yeah... Junjin is the bad guy again. But this is something that I can have. Something that Yoochun won't beat me in. I was working hard, much harder then him and we were being treated equally. He got it all so easily, almost smiling and I was sweating and crying to receive a little bit of attention. He was always so into himself, never satisfied, ungrateful and I was pretending like everything was okay, always smiling and trying to surround myself with people. I needed friends, I needed people around me. People who would look up at me, people who would love me.

I decided not to say a thing about what Minwoo told me. Let him be. I'm pretty sure Yoochun wasn't aware of it and as long as they didn't actually meet I don't consider that going behind my back. I knew I had to do my best now, do everything to get Eric's attention. I needed to push Yoochun out of the picture.


Hyesung's P.O.V.


A couple of days passed since we got home and I was feeling much better. I didn't have a fever anymore, I got a lot of rest and I could finally get out of the bed. My body was healthy again, but my heart still ached like crazy and didn't give out any signs of getting better.

Wannie was coming over every single day. As he was spending so much time here already, my umma offered him to stay at our place, but he couldn't. It didn't make much difference to him since most of the time I pretended I was asleep.

I still couldn't believe what I saw that day. It felt like a horrible nightmare and I prayed to wake up as soon as possible. But, everything Yunho said fitted in so well. The whole story. He wasn't able to be with Wannie because of JaeJoong? Or maybe even because of me, because Wannie had to take care of me after everything that happened with Minwoo. It all made sense. Waking up never came and I knew I had to accept awful truth. If only I could say it out loud.

Dongwan and Yunho. My Wannie and some other man. Not me. But him. I was truly destined not to have luck in love. Why do I keep falling for wrong guys? Why?

I packed my stuff again. As I looked at the stuff Wannie packed for me I couldn't help but smile. He put everything I needed, everything I couldn't go on a trip without. He even packed some of the books I needed and remembered to put in a toy I always carried with me. Small horse he gave to me. He knew me so well. No one knew me the way Wannie did. And no one ever will.


Changmin's P.O.V.


Christmas.

I was laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about everything. It has been a couple of days since we left college and came home.

It was great to come back to my parents. Umma got so excited, she made a wonderful dinner and baked my favorite cake. Appa even invited both Eric's and Yunho's families.

It was good to be home.

I didn't have much to do. I spent all my time on the internet or at either Eric's or Yunho's places. I was happy I had my hyungs, it has always been like this and just now I realized how much I missed them. How little we saw of each other in the past three months. Something was missing though.

I felt so empty.

I glanced at my cell as it signaled I received a text message.

Merry Christmas DorkMin! I hope you're having a great time with your family and are not looking forward to tomorrow. I'll see you... (god, how I'd love to avoid that)

y Kim Junsu (you'll never have ;P)

That was enough. I smiled as life regained its sense and I finally understood what I was missing.

I miss you Kim Junsu.


Dongwan's P.O.V.


"We're gonna be roomed the same way as in college, do you agree with me?" I asked looking from Hyesung to Junsu. Sungie shrugged as if he didn't really care. What was wrong with him?

"No." Junsu of course objected.

"Well, I didn't ask you." I replied.

"You were talking to both of us." He said.

"What gave you that impression?" I chuckled, then looked at Hyesung again. He looked like he wasn't a part of conversation at all, like he wasn't even there. "Sungie, are you alright?"

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine." He nodded and looked down. "I agree. It's normal, six rooms, so two in each room, we all got used to our roommates back in college and most of us are rooming with our best friends, so it sounds perfect." He said quickly, as if he was concluding some business meeting.

"I'm not used to my roommate and he's certainly not my best friend, so it's not perfect." Party-breaker Junsu.

"Your pairing is the best out of them all." Sungie laughed for the first time in days. I missed that sound. "You still have that camera?" he turned to me. I nodded. He smiled mischievously and glanced at Junsu. "Great."

"Yeah, whatever... I see it's pointless." Junsu gave up finally.

"Oh, it's so nice to see you being obedient for a change." I chuckled again.

"Shut up, hyung." He said. "Why don't I kick Sungie out of your room and come to sleep with you instead? I bet Sungie will get along with Changmin just great."

"No way! I'm not giving my Sungie." I said quickly pulling Hyesung into my arms. He stiffened suddenly, trying to push me away for a brief second, but then relaxed. He thought I didn't notice it. But what the hell is going on?

"Your Sungie? Those are some new moments there." Junsu continued with teasing me.

"Yeah, Dongwan. I'm not yours." Hyesung suddenly said seriously and pushed me away, walking to my bedroom.

"What was that?" Junsu asked getting serious as well. We always joked like that, but this was the first time Hyesung reacted like this.

"I don't know." I said looking at the door Hyesung just closed behind him. "I have to talk to him." I said and Junsu moved out of my way as I knocked on the door and stepped in.


Hyesung's P.O.V.


He walked in and I quickly hid my face, trying to wipe my tears in the process.

"Sungie?" he called, sitting down on the bed. I moved further from him, my back hitting the headboard. "What's wrong?" he asked. I didn't reply. "Are you crying?"

"N-no." I stuttered, but it came out shakily.

"You are." He said moving closer to me. "What's wrong?" he sounded so confused. Of course he was, I never acted like that around him. It was normal for us to be like that and to be teased by Junsu. The difference is that I used to enjoy it, I was hoping all that joking hid the truth behind itself. Now I was sure there was nothing between Wannie and me, nothing more then friendship. Joking like that became so painful.

"Nothing." I replied. Bad, bad liar. "I just..."

"What? Did I do something? Or say something that hurt you?" he asked panicking slightly. "I'm so sorry if it's my fault. Just tell me Sungie." He reached for my arm. I slightly pushed him away. "See? That's not normal. Something's bothering you and you don't want to tell me."

"Nothing's bothering me and you haven't done anything." I repeated.

"You're lying. You never lie to me." He said frowning.

"I... it's really nothing. Don't pay attention to me." I said.

"How can I not? You're my best friend."

"Exactly. I'm your best friend. I... might not be comfortable with all those jokes and you touching me anymore." I blurted out, then covered my mouth with my hand and looked at him.

"I see..." he said, swallowing slightly and looking extremely hurt. He stood up. "Alright Hyesung... I don't know, we grew up together and for the past twenty years we haven't had a problem with sleeping in the same bed. But since you feel that way now I'll just... You can keep my room and I'll sleep in the living room." He said quickly and went out of the room.

Can I find any more ways to ruin my life?