Kyuhyun’s mind was racing. He couldn’t exactly think straight after hanging up with Siwon. He still had so many questions after he realized that he had barely learned anything about Daerim’s condition. But there was no time for thinking now.

He had to move.

A numbness washed over his body as he stumbled down the hall. Although he knew it was going to cause a lot of confusion and worry, he figured he didn’t have time to explain to his manager and the others in the studio why he had to leave so suddenly. So, bracing his steps by palming the wall, he continued walking until he reached the elevator.

Kyuhyun’s breathing increased as he made his way to his car. He patted his pockets, forgetting where he had placed his keys, until he realized that they were still in his bag back in the studio.

Slamming his fist on the hood in frustration, he ran his hands through his hair as he looked around him for options. He didn’t want to waste time by going all the way back into the studio, so he realized that he would have to try public transportation. The subway was way too risky, as was the bus. So after jogging across the small parking lot, he stood at the corner and hailed a taxi.

The moment he gave the instructions to the driver, Kyuhyun sat rigid in his seat. His legs bounced and his bottom lip was reddened from his unrelenting biting. His knuckles turned almost bone white as he gripped his pants legs, trying his hardest to not snap at the driver’s cautious driving.

With every red light and every moment they were stopped in traffic, Kyuhyun could feel his nerves growing more and more frayed. It took all his might to not unleash his frustrations and explode in the back seat.

“Uh... ahjussi, please, is there any way that we can get there faster? My daughter is in the hospital and I need to get there as soon as possible,” he said, leaning forward some as they drove down the highway.

“I’m sorry, but there’s so much traffic today, it really doesn’t matter which way I take, we’re going to run into a delay. Maybe you should call your wife and tell her that it may take you awhile,” the cab driver offered apologetically.

Kyuhyun palmed his face, unable to find the patience or the need to set the driver straight about his household. Throwing his back against the seat, he tried his hardest not to let his frustration manifest into tears, which he was dangerously close to.

Forty-five, long, excruciating minutes later, the taxi stopped in front of St. Mary’s emergency room entrance.

Although he knew he was being rude, Kyuhyun quickly handed the driver the fare, not even waiting for change.

Walking inside the front doors, he glanced around, desperately trying to locate his husband among the mass of families moving around the room.

Whipping out his phone, he quickly hit the button that would dial Siwon instantly and waited as he still tried to peer over heads, hoping to find him on his own.

“Hello?” asked Siwon hoarsely.

“Wonnie?! I’m here, where are you? I don’t see you,” said Kyuhyun, his voice wavering with adrenaline as he walked deeper into the waiting room.

“Uh, I’m beyond the double doors. Don’t worry, I’ll come to you,” said Siwon standing from his seat beside Daerim’s bed.

When he walked in the emergency waiting room he spotted Kyuhyun looking around, trying to find him.

“Kyu, over here,” he called moving towards him.

When Kyuhyun spotted Siwon he rushed over, and threw his arms around Siwon’s neck, embracing him tightly, not caring what anyone thought.

“Kyu? Baby are you okay?” asked Siwon with worry in his voice. He could feel Kyuhyun vibrating in his arms.

“I came as fast as I could. I tried to get here sooner, but there was so much traffic and I left my keys in the studio so I took a taxi and he drove so slowly and all I wanted was to be here. To see you and Daerim-ah!” said Kyuhyun, unleashing all of the tension he had bottled up as he grasped onto Siwon’s shirt desperately.

“But you’re here now, everything’s alright, you’re here,” said Siwon trying his best to coax Kyuhyun into a state of calm, as he rested his hand on the back of Kyuhyun’s head.

He could feel his shirt dampening under Kyuhyun’s face as he gently swayed them from side to side.

Kyuhyun could feel his body begin to slightly relax at Siwon’s touch. He felt safer knowing he was in the arms of someone who finally understood his feelings, but it wasn’t enough.

He needed to see his daughter.

Finally lifting his head off of Siwon’s shoulder, he squinted, the harsh florescent lights of the waiting room momentarily blinding him. His head was pounding, signaling a massive headache that he knew was approaching, but he forced himself to move beyond it. Daerim needed him.

“Wonnie where is she? What happened? I need to see her,” he said, trying to not make all of his thoughts come out as one.

“Baby, I need you to listen to me first, I should explain what happened before you see her,” said Siwon pulling Kyuhyun over to the corner.

“N-n-no,” said Kyuhyun shaking his head as he looked down and then in Siwon’s eyes. “I need to see my baby, please. I know that you said she’s okay, but I just need to see for myself. I can’t wait any longer.”

“Okay Kyu, okay,” Siwon nodded as his hand brushed away tears from Kyuhyun’s reddened cheeks.

He took Kyuhyun’s hand and led him back through the double doors that led to their daughter.

Kyuhyun braced himself as he felt Siwon’s grip on his hand tighten. They approached a bed at the far end of the room, but all Kyuhyun could see was a nurse hovering over it. As they moved closer and closer, the nurse finally leaned up and there he saw her.

Daerim was lying on the stiff hospital bed, in just a diaper. She was asleep, her head cocked to the side, but with an oxygen mask attached to her small face. Her left arm was extended out, fixed to a splint so that an IV could be attached. Several other tubes and cords ran off of her and attached to machines that where situated next to her bed.

Upon seeing her in that state, Kyuhyun’s hands flew up to his mouth and he quickly turned away.

Siwon put his hands on Kyuhyun’s waist, holding him still as Kyuhyun took a minute to process the sight he had just seen. Standing at his side, Siwon held him firmly, leaning his head down on Kyuhyun’s shoulder.

Finding his composure, Kyuhyun slowly turned around, Siwon releasing him with a heavy heart, as he watched him approach the bed.

“Aegi-yah,” he breathed as he reached down to her soft dark hair. “I’m here, don’t worry. Both your appas are right here with you baby.”

He watched as she lay there peacefully, noticing that she was still slightly warm, though not as warm as before.

When he leaned back up, he looked over at Siwon.

“What happened Wonnie? Why is she here?” said Kyuhyun.

Siwon fought to figure out what to say first. He had listened to everything the doctors had told him, but his own thoughts had partially skewed his understanding of what happened. Still he realized he was going to have to tell Kyuhyun something.

“Everything happened so fast Kyu…I don’t know how or where to start,” said Siwon, his demeanor still very miserable.

Kyuhyun nodded in understanding even though he felt himself tearing up again.

“Just start from the beginning Wonnie . What happened first?”

“After you left, I went over to check on her and she was still really warm. But I could see her shivering. I remembered what you said, but I thought the fan blowing on her was too much, so I decided to turn it off,” started Siwon.

Kyuhyun closed his eyes as he ran his hands over his face.

“I’m sorry Kyu—I’m really sorry baby—said Siwon bringing his hands up to his face.

Kyuhyun shook his head as he pulled Siwon into another hug.

“Don’t Wonnie, please. I’m not blaming you, I just need to know how she ended up here,” he said urging Siwon to continue.

Siwon buried his face in Kyuhyun’s neck, too ashamed to look at him again.

“The doctors said that because her fever was so high, she started having a seizure.” He finally breathed.

“A what?!” asked Kyuhyun in disbelief, pulling away.

He held Siwon’s face with both hands, making him look back up at him.

“So what does that mean? What does that even look like? She’s so small. Was she shaking? Did she hurt herself?” asked Kyuhyun, almost at a loss for words.

“They said that it’s common for infants to experience this, and that because we haven’t seen this occur before and the fact that she has a fever now, there’s probably a connection there,” said Siwon.

Kyuhyun exhaled uneasily. Although he was glad to know that the doctors knew what was happening and that Daerim was fine now, he was a bit shaken by the word ‘seizure’.

“I can’t believe this. Our poor baby. I can’t believe I left her. I know she must have been completely terrified,” said Kyuhyun shaking his head as he brought his hand up to his mouth.

“I was terrified. I had no idea what was happening. I woke up and it was like she was being shocked…there was nothing I could do to stop it. She just looked up at me, like she was asking me to help her and I just…couldn’t. I felt so helpless,” said Siwon collapsing back down in the chair behind him.

“Wonnie,” said Kyuhyun dropping to his knees in front of him.

Kyuhyun had never seen Siwon like this before. He was completely dejected and almost frail. He couldn’t even hold his head up to look at him or even Daerim. His body was tense and his cheeks were almost ruddy from having rubbed his face so much. And his eyes. When Kyuhyun had seen them, they were vacant, as if devoid of any hope.

“Look at me,” said Kyuhyun running his hand over Siwon’s dark hair.

Siwon kept his face in his hands.

“Wonnie look at me,” pleaded Kyuhyun taking hold of Siwon’s wrists.

Reluctantly, Siwon pulled his hands away from his face and looked at Kyuhyun.

“This is not your fault, okay?”

Siwon was quiet.

“I know that you're scared, but you have to remember, you did nothing wrong. You had no way of knowing that she would have had a seizure, so you can’t blame yourself for it.”

“But I’m her father Kyu,” he said weakly. “If I can’t protect her from being scared or feeling pain, what purpose do I have?”

Kyuhyun’s heart felt like it was breaking at these words.

“No, please don’t say that,” he sad taking Siwon’s hands and interlocking them with his. “All of this sadness you're feeling right now, it’s coming out because of the unyielding love you have for her. That’s your purpose, to love her.

Siwon shook his head. “I’m just so disappointed in myself babe. I panicked. I completely panicked. It even scared Daerim-ah. I had no idea how to react, and I don’t like that. What if it had been something more serious?”

“But you did exactly the right thing, you brought her here.  You knew that she needed help and you got it for her,” said Kyuhyun with a small smile. “I’m proud of you for using that judgment, and you should be too.”

Just then, they were interrupted by the sounds of footsteps approaching. As they turned and looked up, they saw the young doctor that was tending to Daerim.

“Ah, hello Siwon-ssi, I’d like to speak with you about your daughter’s lab work results,” he said motioning to the clip board in his hands. He then looked at Kyuhyun. “Are you…a family member?”

“I’m also her father,” said Kyuhyun as they both rose.

“Oh…well, great, uh,” said the doctor now fumbling with the paperwork in his hands.

Kyuhyun sighed impatiently, “When can we take our baby home?”

“If her fever continues to come down and she doesn’t have any more seizures or other symptoms, she should be discharged in the morning—

“I’m sorry—morning?!” asked Kyuhyun frowning. “You want to keep her over night?!”

Siwon put both his hands on Kyuhyun’s shoulders to try and calm him.

“Yes, with her fever still being present, it isn’t safe to run the risk of discharging her and then you all having to readmit her hours later. If she’s here and she has another episode, then we can treat her as soon as possible,” reasoned the doctor.

Kyuhyun sighed, completely frustrated. He wanted to be able to hold his baby and rock her to sleep tonight, not have her wake up in the middle of the night in a foreign place with strangers.

“He has a valid point Kyu, we’ll just stay here tonight and it’ll give us peace of mind to know she’s surrounded by good hands,” said Siwon as Kyuhyun turned to face him.

“Only one parent is permitted to stay,” interjected the doctor.

“Excuse me?” asked Kyuhyun whipping around to face the doctor again.

“I apologize, but it’s procedure,” said the doctor taking a step back.

“But she’s our daughter. Both of us have a right to be here with her!” said Kyuhyun beginning to get angry. “How do you expect one of us to just leave her?”

“Kyu, Kyu, it’s fine. I’ll go,” said Siwon pulling on Kyuhyun’s arm.

“Wh…Wonnie, no. We both have to be here,” said Kyuhyun sadly.

Siwon sighed, “Baby I can’t stay here any longer. I want to be here for Daerim, but the stress and the anxiety I’m feeling right now…I can’t take it anymore. I think it’s best if I go home for a few hours.

“Are you sure?” asked Kyuhyun. “I don’t want you to be alone right now, but I can’t…I can’t leave her here alone—

“And I don’t want you to,” said Siwon shaking his head. “She’ll need to see that you’re close by when she wakes up. It’ll make her happy again.”

Again, Kyuhyun didn’t know how to respond to these words. But he did know that what Siwon needed most now was time.

“Is there anything else we need to know doctor?” asked Siwon glancing over at the man.

“No, as of right now, like I’ve said, our biggest concern is bringing down her fever, but since it’s already began to drop since she was admitted, we’ll just watch her for the next few hours to make sure it continues to come down.”

“Okay, thank you,” said Siwon with a nod.

The doctor returned it and then walked away.

“I don’t like him,” mumbled Kyuhyun glancing over his shoulder at the doctor.

“Kyu,” said Siwon breaking into the first glimpse of a smile Kyuhyun had seen on him. “He’s just following protocol.”

“I don’t care. How can they split families during a crisis like this? It’s ridiculous,” pouted Kyuhyun as Siwon pulled him close again, resting his head on his shoulder for strength.

Kyuhyun was quiet for a moment as he indulged Siwon in his need to just be held.

“Wonnie…”

“Mmmm?” he heard Siwon mumble.

“Please promise me that you’ll go home and you’ll rest. We’ve all been through a lot today, but you especially, and I need you to take care of yourself, since I can’t be there to do it.”

“What should I do?” he asked softly.

“Sleep for a bit, take a warm bath, eat a good meal, and then I’ll call you to say goodnight, and by then, Daerim-ah will be awake, and you’ll be able to hear her sweet laugh again, okay?”

Siwon sighed. That did sound nice, but he wasn’t sure if he could do it.

“What ever you do, don’t go home to sit and wallow. You have to break this habit of always blaming yourself for things you can’t control. You have the right to be sad but not to be angry, okay?”

Siwon hugged Kyuhyun a little tighter in acknowledgement.

“Remember, that I love you and that Daerim loves you. Tomorrow, we’ll all go home together, and we’ll move on. Eventually this wound will heal and it’ll just be a distant memory,” said Kyuhyun softly in Siwon’s ear.

Breaking apart so that he could look into Siwon’s eyes one last time, Kyuhyun leaned forward and gave him a chaste kiss.

“Don’t forget what I said, okay?” said Kyuhyun as their foreheads touched.

Siwon gently nodded and then pulled away to step towards Daerim.

She was still sleeping soundly on the bed, her little chest moving up and down with each breath she took.

“Goodnight my sweet girl,” he said leaning over to give her head a gentle kiss. “Appa loves you, so, so much. Please feel better soon.”

Kyuhyun placed his hand on Siwon’s back as he stood up again.

“I’ll call you the moment I hear anything,” said Kyuhyun.

Siwon nodded with a faint toothless grin.

Kyuhyun his cheek which Siwon held against his face with his own hand for a few moments before breaking away.

“Have a good night Wonnie, I love you,” he said as Siwon backed away.

“I love you too baby Kyu,” he said before turning around and leaving the buzz of the E.R.

                                    ~~~

When Siwon got home, the apartment was dark and seemed almost foreign to him. Everything seemed so different after the events of the afternoon.

As the sound of the lock clicked behind him, he threw his back against the door, closing his eyes as he looked up towards the ceiling.

Without another moment’s hesitation, he crumbled, falling to his knees as he let out thick, unrestrained sobs for the first time that day; finally able to rid himself completely of all the pain and anger he felt within.