☆ Fifth Star

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There are pleasant surprises and unpleasant ones. Examples for the former are secretly planned birthday parties, abnormal behaviour of little children that are often considered cute, or sudden encounters of two long-time friends who haven't seen each other for ages. Unpleasant surprises are being confronted by someone you aren't too keen in meeting, an unexpected pregnancy and low scores in one's favourite class. The surprise I encountered this morning was something in between.

"Why are you sitting on my seat?"

Woohyun averted his eyes away from the windows and looked at me, his signature smile yet again playing on his lips. There was something strange about walking into the classroom and finding someone else's boyfriend claiming your seat. There was generally something strange about Woohyun and his lack of sincerity when it came to things like that. Under his smile, he always seemed to be hiding something.

He chuckled lightly, and said, "I wanted to know what it's like to be you. What makes you furrow your eyebrows at times. What brings a smile on your face. I wanted to wonder what you think about when you just sit here and look out the windows."

I nodded slowly, my eyes grazing his seat in the middle of the classroom which was placed between Bomi's and Sungyeol's. Bomi wasn't there yet, and it struck me as odd because they would usually come to school together, ever since they had started dating. I looked back at Woohyun.

"Shall we switch seats only for this day?" he asked, smiling.

I can't really remember what had prompted me to agree with his proposal. I guess it was the expression in his eyes that were pleading with me. Or maybe it was the tone of his voice which sounded so desperate. And maybe it didn't really matter because I just gave in and slipped into his seat between Bomi's and Sungyeol's. Although a part of me felt weird doing that.

In the middle of the first lesson, Sungyeol leaned in and asked, "Will you sit here for the rest of the year?"

"No, just for today,” I whispered back, secretly glancing at Bomi who seemed to be in a daze.

"What a pity, though. You don't know how annoying Woohyun and Bomi are when they are together. Strange couple."

I only forced a small smile in return, catching Bomi watching us from my periphery. From the corner of the classroom, I felt Woohyun looking my way as well, but I guess he was just staring at Bomi. And that was when I knew.

☆

His short eyelashes caught the rays of the setting sun as his gaze was lowered to the notebook in front of him. The classroom was empty, only the two of us staying behind. It reminded me of the many times back in middle school in which we had remained after classes to foolishly draw stars.

"Why did you break up with her?" I asked, breaking the silence.

He tensed a bit, his hold around the pencil stiffening. Just as I thought he was going to burst out in anger, he loosened himself and smiled. "What are you talking about, Anjell?"

"Woohyun, you've dated her for one day,” I pointed out. “Why did you go out with her only to break up the next day?"

"Don't ask me," he mumbled, resuming his task of copying my notes for English.

I sighed, and leaned back in my seat, arms crossed in front of me. "So, she broke up? Why?"

"I don't know,” he shrugged.

"Did you even like her?"

He didn't respond and just continued writing in his notebook. I noticed I wasn't going to receive an answer, so I didn't try to probe further into his private life. But something was itching at the back of my head, an itch that I couldn't really reach or satisfy by scratching it. Only when I spotted the firm line across Woohyun's lips, did I realise what the itch was about.

"That's why you called, right? Yesterday, I mean. Because you were lonely."

He said nothing.

"That's why you wanted to meet up,” I mumbled. To be honest, I didn't really feel awful because Woohyun had tried to seek comfort in my presence when no one else was there to provide him with such. It was the very idea of Bomi leaving him after a day that made me feel so awful and disgusted. I trusted her, but she couldn't even hold on for two days.

We remained silent for a while as he went on copying my notes and I tried picturing a lonely Woohyun at the playground down my neighbourhood. I could almost see the dark circles under his eyes and the pale colour of his lips, but at some point it felt too devastating to imagine it, so I looked out the windows to distract myself.

He said, “Look”, before pointing at something on his notebook. When I lowered my gaze to his finger, and saw what was written there, I harshly slapped my hand on the spot to hide the sentence, my cheeks glowing with heat.

I like Nam Woohyun.

"Y-You," I stuttered, unable to retort something clever.

"No need to be ashamed," he said, peeling my hand away from his notebook, revealing the sentence again. I like Nam Woohyun. "I think it was really cute."

"That was years ago..." I muttered, looking away. Back in middle school, when we first became close friends, there was that one time in which I had encountered utter embarrassment in his presence for my stupid and naïve honesty. I was clearly amazed by Woohyun's ability to make me feel included in class, so I admired him a lot. He was able to break down my walls, help me engage myself into conversations with our classmates. He was almost like a miracle, nearly healing my scars. So of course I liked him. So of course I was stupid enough to write it down on the last page of my notebook. So of course he found it when we swapped notebooks to draw stars. And of course he would remember such a thing and remind me of that embarrassment.

"You won't believe the heart thumping feeling I had when I saw your words,” said Woohyun, proudly looking at his notebook.

I scoffed. "You know I only wrote it because you were my first friend in middle school."

"Still, I felt flattered.” He looked out, the smile ceasing on his lips. “Although it was meant in a pure platonic way, your words were probably more sincere than any nonsense my past girlfriends have spouted."

I asked. "What really happened?"

He stared at me in silence, his eyes flickering with pain, as he ran his hands through his hair. "You don't want to know, trust me."

"I do. But if you don't want to tell meㅡ"

"Anjell," he said, "if I tell you, you will definitely think I am pathetic."

"Doesn't matter." Because a pretending Woohyun is even worse.

He sighed, clasping his hands together on the wooden desk separating us. After a few seconds of silence, he decided to speak up. With his deep voice and without looking at me, he said, "I was supposed to meet her yesterday. But she called me and said she couldn't do that anymore."

I waited for him to continue, but he just kept his lips pressed into a thin line. "That's it? Bomi didn't say why?"

He shook his head with a smile. "Pathetic, huh."

"No, not reallyㅡ"

"She was the one who wanted that relationship, right? She suddenly wanted to be my girlfriend."

"Woohyunㅡ"

"They always come and want to date me but in the end they are the ones who'll leave me. Why am I such a failure in relationships? Why can't I be the one leaving them instead?"

"Woohyun," I repeated.

He finally stopped and stared at me, his eyes reflecting sadness. I wasn't sure why he got so upset when he clearly didn't seem to have liked Bomi that much. He didn't even seem to have bothered about their relationship with a sincere heart. Maybe he just didn't like the whole idea of him being left behind, which was kinda selfish since he himself agreed to all those girls.

"You think I'm a liar, right?" he asked, his voice coming out as a whisper. When I tilted my head in response, a furrow between my brows, he explained himself. "I tell you I want to keep some distance with girls, and the next day you find me dating Bomi. I break our promise to stay stargazing partners, but I'm the first one to call."

"I'd call it contradicting."

"And yet, you still continue to be my friend.” Woohyun looked at me, and I looked back, and then his voice almost cracked when he asked, “Why?"

"Because...” I started, knowing how to continue, but being hesitant to reveal the reason. “Because you continued to be my friend. Despite my flaws."

He looked a bit taken aback, then smiled through his eyes. Casting his gaze back down onto his notebook, he shook his head, chuckling, and said, "You don't know how difficult you make this for me."

"Make what difficult?" I asked.

"I'll tell you when the time comes."

I hated his way of avoiding questions, how mysterious he sometimes made himself seem to be. But then he promised me he would go see the stars with me, so I forgave him. I forgave his secrets, but to this day I still find it difficult to forgive myself.

☆