☆ Twelfth Star

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Plato was a Greek philosopher and mathematician, a student of Socrates who was one of the founders of the Western philosophy. The concept of platonic love originated from one of his works, Symposium, and describes the ideal kind of love to be the act of “redirecting the lover’s focus from the beloved to the divine or philosophy.” It basically says that your lover should inspire you to seek higher knowledge and spiritual things. But I am not familiar with Western philosophers so I can’t say for sure that I have understood it correctly.

In contemporary use, the word platonic contains the feeling of loving each other without actually being ually attracted. In other words it is like friendship between two people. So what Sunggyu had implied was that I might have liked Woohyun all along, but have mistaken my feelings for him for affection based on friendly matters. According to Sunggyu, I might have been attracted to Woohyun all along, and I was just too dense to realise that.

But was this true? Was I really too dense to realise my feelings for him? How do you distinguish love and friendship anyways?

I had no idea, and I doubted anyone could tell me the answer.

On the other hand, knowing the answer wasn’t currently the most important goal in my life. I had worse problems. My mother and my dad were still fighting, refusing to talk to one another without malicious intent. They had recently started openly showing me their unhealthy relationship. And it was awful to be the one in between the both of them, to be the neutral party in the argument. There was too much pressure on both sides.

Then there was still this thing regarding the entrance exams. Myungsoo had just recently drawn my attention back to studying, and I honestly needed to focus on school more, had little time to worry about my standing towards Woohyun.

On the other handㅡ

When I was sitting there, at my desk next to the windows, the early conversations of my classmates faintly audible in the background, my gaze cast on the trees on our school yard, and I saw him approaching me from his reflection on the window glass, I had to admit that my intention to focus on anything else other than Woohyun right now was impossible. When he was there, it was difficult to worry about school and my parents. He was just so real in front of me, and he was Woohyun, and I had him back as my friend. But not in the way I wanted him to.

He stood in front of my seat, a smile plastered on his lips. I turned around from the windows, wanting to see his face not through the reflection on the glass, and noticed how long his hair would be if he didn’t style it. His thick fringe fell softly to the side, almost covering his right eye. He looked natural, a bright expression on his face, as if he had just woken up from a great dream. He said, "Hey Anjell, I invited some friends over to study at my place. Since it’s Friday, you know. And my mom will be at her friend’s place. You coming too?"

I searched his eyes for a moment, trying to find something that could give away how much he was enduring right now, but found nothing. He was clean of lies and pain, and it seemed odd. Something was off, but Woohyun didn’t give me any basis to prove my assumption. So either he had improved his acting, or I just wasn’t that good at detecting his lies after all.

“Studying,” I said, “as in watching movies and letting the school books catch dust  in the corner of the room while eating snacks instead?" 

"You know me too well,” he remarked, chuckling and for a moment I thought I felt a pang of nostalgia striking my heart.

I smiled a little. ”Okay, I'll come over.”

Because if he could pretend everything was fine, then I could do that too. I didn’t want his efforts to be going to waste after all.

☆

I arrived at Woohyun’s place as the last person because my house was nearest to his, and he said we should pile in by no later than 6pm. That was the “deadline”. So I arrived a few seconds before 6 to be greeted by Sunggyu opening the door for me. He smiled and stepped aside, telling me to come in. I dropped my shoes by the entrance, hooking the umbrella I had brought with me - because the weather forecast said it was going to rain tonight - into the coat rack, and walked into the living room. Bomi and Chorong were already setting pillows onto the couch, and I saw a mischievous Sungyeol emerging from the staircase to the second floor, making his way to the TV with a DVD in his hand. Woohyun was in the kitchen, opening drawers and closing them after taking the snacks out. He noticed me and smiled, waving. I smiled back.

“I’m going to the toilet,” said Sunggyu, his hand on the knob of the door to the bathroom. “Myungsoo couldn’t make it because his little cousins are in town. And we are done with the preparations, so just sit down somewhere and save me a seat on the couch.”

To my left was the bathroom into which Sunggyu had disappeared. My right was occupied by an L shaped book shelf. In the middle of the living room was the lime  green couch, matching the colour of the carpet, and in front of it was a small glass coffee table. The LED TV was almost the same width as the couch, and the staircase leading to the second floor was right above the room of Woohyun’s parents. The dining table was placed on the left side right in front of the kitchen, which was separated from the rest by a kitchen counter and a permanent space divider. I greeted the rest and sat down next to Sungyeol on the couch. Bomi and Chorong chose to sprawl across the floor, each one of them with a pillow to settle into comfort. Sunggyu joined us later, his attention fixed on his phone, as I observed him a little. His red T-shirt hung loosely around his body and his distressed jeans offered me a view of his skin. He noticed me staring, his eyebrows raised in question. I just shook my head in amusement.

Woohyun appeared and placed the snacks onto the coffee table. His blue plaid shirt was ed, and you were able to see the white V-necked T-shirt underneath. For some reason he had his hair styled to the side although it hadn’t been like this before at school. I wondered why he cared to look good at a movie night, but decided not to think about it.

"Hey Woohyun,” said Sungyeol with a smug smile before my stargazing partner could squeeze into the seat between Sunggyu and me, “fancy things I've found in the drawer next to your bed.”

"Why were you in my room?” asked Woohyun agitatedly, lifting his knee to kick the tall guy.

“I had to get the DVD, forgotten? And your brother said it was probably in your drawer.”

Woohyun looked disturbed, not amused at all, when he said, “That bastard…”

Then the bell to the house suddenly rang, and we all looked surprised, not having expected anyone else to come. His father was at work, and he wouldn’t usually come home before 11. And if he did, he would have his keys with him, I suppose. His mother was at a friend’s place so it couldn’t be her either. Boohyun, his brother, was upstairs, excluding himself from the possibility. The rest of us continued wondering about the person disturbing our movie night when Woohyun walked to the door and opened it without looking through the peephole. I was somehow expecting Myungsoo because it felt weird to hang out without him, but a female voice spoke up, and everyone held their breath. The voice wasn’t familiar.

"I'm sorry for disturbing like this,” she said. Her voice was feminine and soft, and I tried to catch a glimpse of her face, but Woohyun’s back was obscuring my view. “But since you never called, I thought, ‘Why not come and surprise him?’”

Her giggle sounded charming, and I realised she must be a beautiful girl when I spotted the love-struck expression on Sungyeol’s face. He was leaning back in his seat, almost losing balance, so he could look at her. There was a satisfied smile on his lips.

Woohyun didn’t respond to the girl, so she said after his short silence, “It's raining. You can't possibly send me out there, can you?”

In the end, her words managed to touch his consciousness because he nodded and stepped aside, letting her enter. And my assumption was right. She was a beautiful girl. She had fair skin, long hair dyed in a faded red, and a slim body. Her legs were lean, just like her arms. She was wearing a pink, tight sweatshirt paired with a high-waisted leather skirt over black leggings. When she smiled, she looked charming. Almost as charming as Sunggyu.

"Hi, I'm Krystal,” she introduced herself, politely bowing at us. "I'm sorry for bothering you guys."

Sungyeol shook his head. “Not at all. You are free to join us. We are delighted to have you here.”

Chorong then told her that we were about to watch My Sassy Girl with Jun Jihyun and Cha Taehyun. Krystal nodded, turning around to Woohyun to ask him where he was going to sit for the movie. He pointed at the seat between Sunggyu and me, and with a slight nod she walked towards the couch and patiently waited for us to skid to the side, leaving space for her to sit. I did just that, parting from Sunggyu, and she plopped down next to me, causing me to feel flustered. Her hair smelled like vanilla, and I briefly wondered just how many guys felt attracted to her.

Sungyeol immediately initiated a conversation with her as soon as she had found a comfortable position to stay in. He leaned over to talk to her, and it felt weird to be sitting in between them. I was about to ask whether he wanted to switch seats with me, but I was distracted by Woohyun giving each of us a canned drink. He turned around, and noticed that there wasn’t any room for him left on the couch because the couch was too small for five people. It was already a little cramped for four. With one eyebrow arched up, he stared at me, then at Krystal. Sighing, he decided to sit on the floor instead, his back leaning against my legs. Krystal had her eyes fixed on him the whole time before she suddenly slid down from her seat, and joined Woohyun on the floor. When he gave her a questioning look, she said, “So you don’t feel too lonely.”

When the movie finally started, the small talks in the room eventually ceased, allowing Cha Taehyun to talk about a time capsule he and Jun Jihyun had buried in the ground. Krystal would always lean towards Woohyun whenever something funny happened in the movie, and she would sometimes even place a hand on his arm, as if to support her uncontrollable body during a laughing fit. In the general sense, it seemed like she had one or two things for him. And I probably wasn’t the only one who noticed.

In the middle of the scene in which the male lead accepts the girl’s request of wearing her high heels so she can wear his sneakers, Woohyun paused the movie and excused himself for the bathroom. He stood up and almost lost his balance because Sungyeol had hooked his legs around his knee to pull him forward, but he managed to support his weight by placing a hand on the back rest of the couch, right next to my head. He cursed at Sungyeol before walking to the bathroom, disappearing behind the door.

Sungyeol followed Woohyun with his eyes, then turned to Krystal, and asked, "Where did you meet Woohyun?”

“We met at the karaoke,” she answered, her expression bright.

I held my breath, thinking about the possibility of her revealing Woohyun's part-time job to the others, thus exposing his secret. Considering the fact that she had met him at his workplace, I concluded that she knew about it. And there was a reason why he couldn't let anyone know about his part-time job at the karaoke. It was illegal, after all. And if less people knew about it, the chances of him getting caught would be slimmer, too. 

"He was in the room next to mine,” she explained, her eyes twinkling with a certain spark. “And I had goosebumps all over my body when he began singing. His voice is so amazing.”

Silently, I let out a sigh of relief.

"Say," she started again, looking at Sungyeol but directing her words to all of us, “is Woohyun seeing someone right now?"

At that moment, I felt like everyone was staring at me, but not really staring at me. They intentionally looked somewhere else, not daring to hint at me, but all of them were thinking the same. That I was the one she was asking for. And for some reason it caused the whole atmosphere between us to feel thicker.

“Well,” said Sungyeol, pressing his lips into a firm line, “let’s say he is not really available as of how the current things are.”

"Oh, so he has already set his eyes on someone?" 

I think back then everyone had wanted to tell her that Woohyun was available, that she could always have a chance with him if she just waited a bit longer, that he was only confused about a few things. Everyone, me included, wanted to tell her that she should hold on to him, that she could possibly mend his heart. Because she seemed like a nice girl, and no one wanted to crush her hopes.

Krystal noticed the tension in the room, and laughed a little before she said, “It’s okay. Really.” 

But her voice sounded more eager than disappointed.

☆

Somewhere in the middle of the movie, Woohyun ordered pizza, and when the credits were rolling at the end, the pizzas arrived, and we all cleaned up the coffee table, throwing the empty cans into a plastic bag. Sungyeol helped Woohyun bringing the order in, and when they placed the boxes onto the coffee table, Sunggyu opened them, and took one slice out. He asked which pizza Krystal would like to have, but she waited until Woohyun helped himself, then chose the same one.

We all ate the pizzas together and Sungyeol told us funny stories to entertain the atmosphere. I randomly noticed how Krystal would look at Woohyun when she was laughing, and how she would secretly glance his way, as if to observe his little moves. It was safe to say that she liked him. But it was impossible to be sure about Woohyun.

An hour later, after we had filled our stomach with enough greasy food, Sunggyu’s father arrived to pick everyone up. They kindly asked me if I needed a lift, but I politely declined. I didn't want to burden them, and my house was only a few blocks way. Krystal, to my surprise, rejected their offer as well. I didn’t really know where she lived, but it was strange for her to insist on staying. Or maybe she didn't feel comfortable around Woohyun's friends, though to me she never seemed like the kind of person to feel intimidated by strangers. 

"My sister is going to pick me up in half an hour,” she told us when Sunggyu’s father drove his car away and we stood there at the entrance, waiting for nothing really. She was looking at Woohyun, but he had his gaze fixed on the door.

I realised that she wanted to be alone with him, so I said, “I’ll be going home now.”

I was about to take my umbrella, unhook it from the coat rack, but Woohyun somehow stopped me by grabbing my wrist, his gaze unreadable. I felt Krystal watching us, and it was so uncomfortable because I knew that she might be misunderstanding something here. I knew she was going to believe that I was the reason why Woohyun wasn’t available anymore, and she was going to hate me for not telling the truth, for not outing myself. I really wanted to leave and just go home. But Woohyun had this strong grip around my wrist, and I couldn’t just pull away.

We ended up sitting on the couch, us girls on each of Woohyun’s sides. We stayed like this for long time, and Krystal would occasionally lead a conversation with him, and I would just listen or look around the living room. Boohyun somehow walked in from the staircase to the second floor, and seemed surprised to see us. He just nodded, poured himself something to drink and disappeared again.

After a while, someone rang the bell, and it was Krystal’s sister. We walked to the door together, and Woohyun opened it to let her in. Krystal smiled at both of us, thanking my stargazing partner for letting her stay, then hugged him. At first he refused to hug her back, let alone initiate such an intimate gesture, but in the end he gave in and patted her head affectionately. As I was watching them, I couldn’t  help but think how she hopelessly fell in love with the wrong person. Just like Woohyun who fell for the wrong girl.

When they left, I looked at Woohyun who seemed distant all of sudden. He was not closing the door, and it was slightly raining outside, a few drops splashing onto our socks. His gaze was fixed on nothing in particular, and it somehow scared me.

He asked, “Should I walk you home, or are you leaving on your own?”

Oh, was all I thought to myself.

Oh.

I should have been surprised by his cold attitude, but I wasn’t really. It was more like enlightenment. Like a puzzle in my head had finally solved itself in front of me. As if I had just needed one clue to piece the things together. And now I was a bit smarter than before.

Woohyun, in truth, was only acting nice to me. He was only pretending to be fine in front of the others, just putting this mask on at school or when the others were around. He was just faking everything, and when it was only the two of us, when we were away from public’s eyes, he would show me his true colours, his true feelings, and they most probably bordered on anger and resentment.

It was too good to be true. Everything went according to my preference, to my liking, and it was too good to be true.

He abandoned me the moment I had rejected his confession, and he promised me he wouldn't feel any hatred for his friend, but he did. He told me he wouldn’t. But he did. He hated me, and now I knew the reason why. He stopped caring because he finally realised, finally saw it. And it made him angry.

But it was my fault so I couldn't blame him.

☆

References:

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