☆ Fourth Star

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The clouds were moving slowly across the sky, and I wondered about nothing really because I had cloistered myself away. I just stared out the windows, watching some bird spreading out its wings to take off but not really watching it. I was disconnected from the world and my surrounding. In the background, I faintly recognised my math teacher's rough voice talking about some variables and stuff Myungsoo had taught me the day before. I caught glimpses of Woohyun's reflection in the window glass where the dark trees were situated. Right now another bird was taking a rest on the top of his head. I chuckled. Secretly watching someone by staring at their reflection in the glass - of course only when it was a bit gloomy outside and the classroom was lit by the ceiling's lamp - was one of the best things to do against boredom. Especially when the target was someone like Woohyun.

I knew things were going to change when Bomi became his girlfriend. Before that, he would always have found an excuse to walk to the windows, to my seat, during break. He would have said things like, “I need a morning refreshment,” or, “I need to heat my ,” - the latter only expressed during the colder seasons – because he had wanted to stay with me, because my seat was placed in the farthest corner of the room, secluded from the rest. He would have pretended to remain by my side because of his unusual needs, but they were just lies. He would have lied for me, for my sake. Sometimes he just knew me better than I knew myself.

And now that he was dating a classmate, things changed. He stopped walking to my seat to have his morning refreshment or in order to heat his . He stopped giving me excuses that I had never needed because now he got a girlfriend to take care of, someone to share his unfunny stories with.

Sunggyu, whose seat was right in front of mine, stared at me the whole time during break, his torso twisted so he could rest his arm on the back of his chair. Time after time, he would open his mouth and close it right after, as if he were hesitant to say his mind. Almost at the end of break, Myungsoo joined him, slipping into the seat next to his, and watched me staring out the windows.

Finally, Sunggyu spoke up, "Did Woohyun and you fight?"

"No,” I said, knitting my eyebrows together. “Why?"

"Because you aren't having your morning discussions."

Then and there, it occurred to me that I wasn't the only one aware of Woohyun's simple acts during every morning and every break to prove his heart to me. Sunggyu apparently knew just how hard Woohyun would always try to make me feel less lonely, and Myungsoo's unfaltering eyes seemed to suggest nothing else. I glanced shortly at Woohyun who was playing with Bomi's locks, a small smile on his lips, his eyes gazing into hers, before turning my attention back to Sunggyu and Myungsoo. I said, "He needs to take care of Bomi. He can't continue being a naive kid."

"But isn't it strange? Him dating her, I mean. I never would have thought he would actually return her feelings," remarked Sunggyu, staring at the new couple with narrowed eyes. "I was quite shocked when he told me this morning."

Why was I the first person whom he told about his new relationship?

"As long as he is happy," Myungsoo concluded, putting his hands on either side of Sunggyu's head to turn him back around, an act to stop him from being caught by the couple for staring, “we should be too.”

I agreed, and I really meant it.

☆

It was during lunch break when I walked out the classroom, intending to go for the restrooms or something, and spotted a small poster hanging on the wall in the hallway. The dark blue colour and the twelve signs in white caught my attention, so I lingered there, reading the text below the Virgo symbol. I didn't manage to read to the end because I felt someone's presence next to me, a scent so familiar that it almost seemed too odd. I remembered having first taken notice of his scent at one of our group meetings at his place. We had been watching TV, and he had been sitting next to me on the floor. And when one of our friends from the back had reached out to grab some chips from the coffee table, he leaned closer to me, allowing the friend to be successful. The mix of mint and his own body odour that was hard for me to describe without sounding stupid stayed in my memories and imprinted itself on my mind.

"What is your zodiac sign?" Woohyun read aloud, standing close to me, his eyes narrowed at the poster. Then he turned around, and smiled, his lips stretched out to display his set of teeth. He said, "Hey, Anjell. Feels like I haven't talked to you since forever."

I scoffed, staring at him from the corners of my eyes. "We've just talked yesterday."

"I miss our morning arguments, though," he said, still having this stupid smile on his lips. Behind him, I saw Bomi approaching us in an inhuman speed, her legs carrying her with ease. She seemed to be having fun, so I found myself chuckling.

"Woohyun, I'm hungry,” was the first thing she said when she stood next to us, a strand of her hair caught in . “Let's go."

When Bomi wasn't inconsistent or moody, she was funny. She would speak her mind, not caring to mince her words, not caring about other people's opinion, and she would express herself and not be hesitant with her emotions. She would laugh loudly without holding a hand before her agape mouth, and she would make funny expressions to ease the atmosphere. That Bomi was the kind of Bomi I wanted to be towards Howon.

"Go ahead first, and find a place for us," suggested Woohyun, patting her head like a father. He then must have noticed the strand of hair in because he chuckled slightly and gently pulled it out with his finger.

"You won't accompany me?" asked Bomi, playfully pouting her lips.

"Yeah, Woohyun, you won't accompany her?" I said. “Don't let your girlfriend wait for you.”

He searched my eyes for a millisecond, and whatever he was hoping to find, he wasn't successful. So he returned my lack of response with his signature smile and left with her, not once looking back. I traced their disappearing figures with my eyes, witnessing Bomi linking her arm under his. He slipped away from her grasp to intertwine their fingers and then he kissed the back of her hand. When they disappeared around the corner, I noticed two guys exiting the classroom and they jumped in slight surprise for almost running into me. For reasons beyond my understanding, tears nearly threatened to emerge from my eyes when they smiled. And Sunggyu's words found a strange way to enter my heart.

He lied, and said, "I don't like kimchi. Anjell, do you like kimchi?"

☆

My eyes are a plain brown. Not exceptionally light, not wonderfully dark. I have a plain nose, maybe one that is slightly tilted upwards around the tip. My hair reached my chest, and it was neither too thick nor too thin. Personality-wise, I was quiet, someone who kept herself shut from her surrounding. I was more the observer, the listener, and I enjoyed time alone. I wasn't the outgoing type of girl like Eunji, nor the expressive one like Bomi. I wasn't even mature and wise like Chorong. Needless to say, I was far from being a boys magnet like Soyou. And yet, despite all my shortcomings, someone had once liked me for who I was and for who I wasn't.

Lee Howon might not have loved me, and he might not have understood me that well, not in the kind of way every girl wanted to be understood, but he still carried on dating me until the end. He stayed until there wasn't a place to stay anymore. He remained until there wasn't any time to remain anymore. And because he endured me for so long, I regretted not having talked to him like I was supposed to, as his girlfriend. We had been on so many fun dates, but we always ended up doing couple things, instead of talking properly. To avoid awkwardness, we kissed each other. To prevent embarrassment, we pretended to fall asleep. Retrospectively, I regretted having slept next to him on the same bed. Although we were boyfriend and girlfriend, I still felt like betraying my parents for letting a boy get so close to me. We never did anything indecent, but this didn't help my consciousness from feeling guilty.

If we had talked more, I wondered, maybe things would have worked out. Maybe we could have led a long-distance relationship, or maybe we could have remained as friends. Whatever people liked to say about him, to me Howon was a good guy. He might have seem like a bad influence, but he was always too good to me. He was the caring type. He was the gentle one. He was the one who made me laugh at his mistakes and also the one who made cry because of him leaving me. I was too ignorant and naïve, so I wasted our time.

"Are you still thinking about my question?” asked Myungsoo, scratching the back of his head the way he always did when he felt embarrassed. “Anjell, you don't need to answer it if you feel burdened."

I shook my head, smiling. "No, no. It's okay. I was just thinking of how to answer it properly."

When Sunggyu, Myungsoo and me had found a place around the school yard to sit down and eat our lunch, the latter apparently spotted someone whose hair reminded him a bit of my ex boyfriend, which led him to ask me the question of how I had started dating Lee Howon.

"I guess he just asked me out one day,” I answered, nodding. “He has been seeing me around the building, and then one day he just pulled me to the side and asked me out.”

"And what was Woohyun's reaction?" asked Sunggyu, randomly scooping rice onto his spoon while paying all his attention to me. He was the only person I knew who would prefer using a spoon over chopsticks.

"He was mad because he heard the rumours of Howon being a smoker." I laughed, remembering Woohyun's angry face and his scolding. Thinking back, maybe it wasn't just anger, but something else too.

"All of us thought he was bad influence," Sunggyu reminded us.

"Not me though," retorted Myungsoo defensively. "I always saw him at the after school classes, and he really seemed to have put his heart into it. People said he was forced to join them, but I think he really wanted to improve his marks."

We lapsed into silence, each one of us wondering about the Lee Howon in our memories. As complex as he was, it was also immensely difficult to find out who the real him was, where his true heart lied. I had dated him, sure, but dating someone doesn't immediately suggest you know this person down to the core. You date someone because you want to know this person, because you want to break down their walls and find their vulnerable side. And once you do, you decide whether you want to love them for what they are and for what they are not. Unfortunately, I never reached that segment in our relationship, and I never had the chance to love him.

☆

At night, my room looked a lot safer to me with its closed windows and drawn curtains and the dim light from the lamp on my night stand. It was comfortable. I was in my comfort zone. It was like the walls protected me, like they captured me in this safe cube, which no one could break down. Without the bright sun, I felt less exposed to the cruel world, less judged by society.

I was lying on my bed, listening to a random song, when my phone suddenly starting vibrating under my pillow. I pulled it out and glanced at the name across the screen, my heart rate suddenly increasing in speed. I pressed the answer button, and hoarsely said, "Hello?"

"Anjell," Woohyun whispered, his voice sounding softer through the phone. "I'm at the park down the neighbourhood. I brought the telescope along."

"What are you doing there alone? It's 11pm."

"Join me then,” he said.

I had two options: go and see the stars or stay and regret.

I had only one option. See the stars.

Before I could change my mind or find reasons to decline his offer, I told him to wait for me as I prepared myself for the journey. I swung my legs out the bed and walked to my closet, looking for comfortable leggings and a dark sweater. When I finally found them, I quickly threw them on, stuffing my keys and my phone into the pockets. A prickling feeling deep in my belly threatened to reach my heart, and I recognised it as excitement. I couldn't wait any longer.

When I exited my room and walked towards the staircase, which was almost around my corner, I noticed a figure in the dark standing across of me, a few meters of distance away. It was my mother. Her hair was tightly pulled back around the nape of her neck, her eyes narrowed at me. I didn't know why she was standing in the corridor when she was supposed to be in her bed, and I didn't know how to explain myself. So I just retracted back into my room, pretending to be a dream of hers.

Inside, I called Woohyun to tell him about my unsuccessful attempt at sneaking out. He picked up at the first ring.

"Woohyun, I'm sorry, but my parents won't allow me."

It took him a few seconds to respond, with a sigh escaping his lips. "It's alright."

But it was never really truly alright for Woohyun, and I never really knew how to deal with it, so I just asked, "Can you see them?"

"I won't look through that telescope without you,” he answered gently.

Warmth embraced my heart, and I felt myself relaxing, the guilt and regret in my gut disappearing. The wind was blowing softly against the speakers of Woohyun's phone as I listened to his breathing.

"Isn't it cold? Go home. We can see the stars another day," I told him.

Although it was you who wanted to stop being stargazing partners.

And he said, "Okay, see you tomorrow."

☆