☆ Eleventh Star

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Being a daughter is hard. Being a parent maybe harder.

I don’t know what it’s like to have children, or to be a responsible parent, and I’m most probably still too young to think about it, but I can go as far as to say that the relationship between parent and child is definitely an unsteady one. I think I can confidently speak for everyone when I say that family matters are difficult and problematic. They are complex. You feel like you have some kind of responsibility or obligation, a particular degree of commitment in both cases -  as a parent and as the child. Parents give you so much, and in return you want to give them the same amount back. And children take it for granted that their parents will love each other for a certain eternity, but that’s not always true and most of all difficult to maintain.

When I was seventeen years old, I truly believed my parents didn’t love each other anymore. There was nothing in this world that could have proven me otherwise. I was almost certain that they were only staying together for my sake so I could smoothly enter university and work hard for my degree. It wasn’t even a far-fetched thought considering how parents always try to give you all the best they can. They are selfless to some extent, until they reach their limit. That’s when a family breaks apart.

My parents were selfless in front of me until I went to bed, and they were able to fully display their inner demons. They would pretend everything was fine, that we were a happy family, until sleep took me away, and they could become each others’ enemy. Sometimes their selfish side would even come out in front of me and they would let me notice how unhealthy their relationship was. Those times were definitely the hardest for me.

I didn’t know why they were fighting, and I would honestly feel too nosy if I asked them, if I meddled into their business. Sure, their business was somehow also my business, but I felt wrong to be so curious. The possibility of them telling me the reason for their fight actually solving the tension was slim. As slim as the chances  of Woohyun’s confession sorting out the untold problems between us. Telling me things wouldn’t do any good. It never did.

Speaking of Woohyun, I felt sad at the thought that he wasn’t there anymore. Back then, when I had a hard time, I would be able to send him a message, and he would send me something back. A way to cheer me up. But as for how the current things were, I didn’t have the right to speak to him, let alone ask for his help and assurance. I couldn’t just use him whenever I felt like it. That would not be fair.

I didn't want to bother Myungsoo or Sunggyu either. They must be sleeping already. And at the thought of calling Sungjong, I felt this reluctance in me. Maybe I wasn’t really into the mood of talking to him.

In the end, I was left by myself, and I never felt lonelier.

I opened the drawer in my night table, trying to find something that could distract me from the loud noises and the occasional insults. My eyes had already adjusted to the darkness so I managed to see what was inside. A few pencils, a notebook, hair bands, medicines and - Howon’s watch.

The sound of my heart pounding against my chest resonated in my ear as I grabbed his watch and lied back down onto the bed. The strap was a leather black, and it felt rough on my fingertips. I held it in front of me, running my thumb across the glass surface of the clock. It used to belong to Howon. He always used to wear it around his wrist because he didn’t like not knowing the time. When we were in Pohang once, at the beach, with his siblings, he gave me his watch because he was afraid he could ruin it when he was in the water. After that day, I somehow ended up forgetting to return his watch, and he also never asked me about it.

Reminiscing the past between Howon and me, I suddenly wondered just what he had liked about. He never told me why he wanted to date me, so I didn’t really know, couldn’t fathom the reason for our relationship. There must have been something about me that had captivated him. Something Woohyun was able to see, but I myself couldn’t find. I wasn’t popular, nor was I pretty. I might be skinny because I had high metabolism, but my legs were quite short and my calves bulky. The double curve on the upper lip didn’t exist on mine. And I had dry hair. There was no basis to prove that I was the prettiest in the class, according to Woohyun.

Even if they liked me not because of my looks, what would be there to like about my personality? I was quiet, hardly talked as much as Woohyun, wasn’t as easygoing as he was, wasn’t confident like Sunggyu, or as friendly as Myungsoo. There was nothing likeable about me. I didn’t even have a good heart, so why would they have any interest in me? Why would they fall in love with the person I was?

If I ever had the chance to meet Howon again, and I could return his watch, I would like to ask him. Woohyun too. I really wanted to know. 

☆

School had been slightly difficult for me since Woohyun’s confession. Besides occasionally studying for the entrance exams, I had to get used to him avoiding me, get accustomed to my new school life. I had to accept the fact that he saw in me nothing more than another classmate, that his eyes wouldn’t light up anymore upon seeing me, that I was just a random girl sitting at the windows in his classroom. I had to watch him getting closer to Bomi and his other friends from the neighbouring class. It felt like he was distancing himself from all of us. Like he wasn’t our Woohyun anymore. And I had to accept it.

At some point I started avoiding him too. I spared him all the trouble by resisting the urge to glance his way so he didn’t have to pretend to be looking somewhere else when he saw me looking at him. I stopped trying to approach him, didn’t greet him in the morning anymore, and it felt stupid and sad at the same time, but it was the only thing I could do. Hurting him any more was out of the question, and I felt like it would cause him even more damage if I insisted on approaching him when he didn’t want me to.

It was lunch break when I randomly decided to leave the classroom for a more calm and peaceful place. All the loud noises of my classmates sounded like nightmares to me, and I couldn’t bear the atmosphere anymore, so I just stood up, taking my lunch box and my bottle of water with me, and went out, ignoring the questioning looks from Myungsoo and Sunggyu. I just hoped they wouldn’t follow me. I just honestly wanted to be alone.

The hallway was filled with even more students who were happily chatting with each other. I spotted one of Woohyun’s other friends, Kibum, who seemed to be on his way to our classroom. There was an ache somewhere in my heart, but I ignored it, and passed him quickly. I descended the stairs, walked to the main doors of the school building, and stepped out. The fresh air greeted me with hospitality. I sighed out in relief. It felt better to be outside. The suffocating lump in my throat was slowly disappearing.

Sitting down on a bench that I had found somewhere near the old cherry blossom tree, I placed my lunch box on my lap and opened it, setting my bottle of water right next to me. It was calm and peaceful, having the cold wind rush through my hair, tickling the nape of my neck. It felt refreshing to be outside, even if it was slightly cold, and I was sensitive to such a weather. But it felt better. It was like healing. And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it, didn’t I?

I realised I was lying to myself the whole time, trying to persuade myself into thinking being alone was not so painful, when someone approached me and said, “What are you doing?”

I realised how dishonest I was when Woohyun stood in front of me, the shadow of his head hovering over my lap, and the ache in my heart appeared again. I realised how much I needed him, even if I had said I could get used to his change of behaviour, when he chucked his hands into the pockets of his blazer, and knelt down in front of me. It was silent for a while, and I didn’t dare to look into his eyes. I tried to pretend that I was nonchalant about his appearance, but it was so difficult. Every inch in me was yelling how much they missed Woohyun. But it was so difficult.

"It's okay,” he said, his voice blending softly into the noise of the wind. There was a tone of disappointment audible in his words, but only if you listened close enough. I dared to observe him slightly. He had his gaze cast on my lunch box, his lips stiff. His hair looked freshly washed, and I slightly smelled his shampoo mixed with the scent of autumn. He repeated, "I said it's okay.”

I didn’t know how to respond, or what he wanted me to say, so I continued looking at him, realising how much I had missed the proximity of us. He glanced up, and caught my eyes. We stayed like this for a while longer until I couldn’t bear the pain in my heart anymore.

Woohyun pulled his hands out from the pockets of his blazer and placed them both on each side of my lap. He was still looking at me, but I couldn’t look back. He said, ”Let’s go in.”

I still didn’t know how to react, and he almost seemed impatient, slightly angry that I was still not looking at him, still not speaking up, but he was Woohyun and he wouldn’t give up on me. With me, he was always patient. Tried to be. For me, he would deal with the rest of the world. Even if I was a hateful person. Even if I hated myself.

"It's okay, Anjell,” he repeated, standing up, eyes still fixed on me. “Let's forget it. Let's pretend I never confessed. Let's pretend nothing like that ever happened between us. We can go back.”

I finally dared to return his gaze, and when I looked up, I saw him smiling at me. Woohyun was smiling, and the ache in my heart was suddenly replaced with something else. A sweet kind of pain. A numbness that felt good.

He seemed relieved, so he let out a calm chuckle. He said, ”I’ve thought about it, and I realised our friendship had given me much more happiness than any kind of love could ever give.”

☆

Woohyun was a good liar, and I only realised to what extent his habit was developed when we were back in the classroom, sitting in front of each other, our lunch boxes nicely positioned on my desk. I only found out about his lie when I saw him choking back his tears, when I saw the glistening of his eyes, and noticed how he was trying hard not to blink once. I only understood how much Woohyun carried on his shoulder when the pain was written all over his face, and I saw it. I didn’t know whether he wanted me to see it, but I saw it. It didn’t really matter anyways because Woohyun had lied to me, and he wasn’t fine, and he couldn’t forget or pretend everything was okay. We couldn’t go back because that was a lie toㅡ 

At first I thought he had lied to protect himself, to cover his embarrassment of being rejected by me. I thought of his lie as a way to not lose his face in front of the others because he was ashamed of having fallen in love with someone like me, who was too much of a coward. But Woohyun wasn’t selfish. Not always, at least. In a way, he was like a parent to me. He acted all selfless until he couldn’t anymore. Until he broke.

So if he hadn’t lied to protect himself, and he probably didn’t because he wasn’t such a guy, the only plausible explanation would have been that he did everything for me. He lied for my sake because he knew I was hurting. He knew I would feel lonely without him, and he knew I only had him to rely on. He took everything he had said to me, his truthful feelings, back so I would feel better. He endured because I was the only one he couldn’t hurt.

But because he was so selfless in our relationship, it was easier for me to take advantage of him.

☆

"Tell me, what’s bothering you?”

I looked at Sunggyu, wondering why he had asked that all of a sudden, posing that question as if he had read the troubled expression on my face so easily. He was always polite and friendly, and when he asked something, it wasn’t because he was nosy or too curious. And I wondered just why he was always so nice to me. Just what I had done to deserve his kindness.

It was currently self-study period, and I had teamed up with Sunggyu again because we were quite compatible regarding school work and he was my seat neighbour. We were both immersed in a passage in our history book when he suddenly asked me that question.

What is bothering me?

"I heard you and Woohyun made up,” he added, not looking up from the page. “Isn’t that good?"

"It is,” I answered. “And nothing’s bothering me.”

Sunggyu glanced at me from the corners of his eyes, shaking his head a little. "I have this sudden feeling that you aren't trusting me.”

I smiled sheepishly in return, realising how easy it was to do that in front of Sunggyu and how difficult it was for me to show Woohyun the same kind of expression.

"Anjell, you should know that I've never held a grudge against you for calling me Grandpa, like the others.” He said that so seriously, I had to chuckle a little. ”I just want to help you and Woohyun."

“Then tell me how to make him happy.”

Sunggyu stopped to look at me. "You can easily make him happy. Just start dating, and he'll be really hapㅡ"

"Besides that,” I interjected quickly. I just couldn't do it. 

"Honestly, there's nothing else you can do for him. Either you accept his confession, or you have to keep on dealing with the pretending Woohyun."

"That's impossible."

He stared at me in silence for a long while. Then he finally said, ”I’m wondering what's holding you back. Are you scared? Are you insecure? Just what is it?”

His words hit me, but I wasn’t any cleverer than he was.

"Or maybe it's hard to see him as a potential lover because you are too used to him being your friend." His serious expression disappeared as he laughed softly, his eyes turning into crescent moons. He added, ”Or maybe you have been mistaking love for platonic affection all this time. You know what they say. Friendship and love aren't so easy to distinguish after all."

☆