☆ Twenty-Fifth Star

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We left Seoul the same night. Nothing kept us from staying. It wasn’t snowing heavily, and Sunggyu had to bring the car back because Jieun told him over the phone it needed a check-up. This time I was sitting in the backseats. I had my eyes closed, and pretended to be sleeping because I didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t want them to think they needed to start conversations with me. Peace was all I really wanted. Peace and complete numbness.

The volume of the radio was turned up, making the music louder than the noises outside. Sunggyu must have been tired, and the loud music was the only thing that could keep him awake. The way it pumped adrenaline into his veins, thumping to the rhythm of the song.

For a second, I opened my eyes, and when I did, I witnessed a little something between Sunggyu and Mijoo. He was reaching his hand over to her, caressing the back of her head soothingly, burying his long fingers into her hair, with so much compassion and respect and warmth. Then he moved down her shoulder, squeezing her arm once, before returning his attention to the wheel. As if nothing had happened. As if love never hit him.

☆

What a lot of people don’t realize after a break-up is, you never get a closure. You think talking about it will somehow answer all your questions and numb all your pain. You think it will make everything easier. Knowing the truth and all. But it’s not true. Nothing can make a break-up easier. Nothing can make a heartbreak hurt less. He could describe you in the utmost details why it didn’t work out, but in the end it doesn't change anything. You’re still left behind with a broken heart and feelings that don’t know where to go.

Woohyun and I never even had a closure. We never even had a break-up. He just disappeared from my life one day. He could as well be dead right now, and I would never find out. It might change a lot, if death were his reason for ignoring me, because that way I could still go to bed, knowing he had loved me on his last day. But right now all I was left with was the Woohyun that died in my heart.

The thing was, one of us grew tired of running and just stopped, and the other didn’t want to wait anymore. It was how things naturally progressed in life. Two runners could start a marathon with the same pace, but at some point one of them would give up and slow down. It was hard to keep up with a person, so real and so alive.

Sunggyu told me later that he knocked on the door of Woohyun’s apartment when I had left, and no one answered him either. But one of the neighbors arrived and told him that the residents of 1004 had moved away. Sunggyu asked whether she knew where they had moved to, but the neighbor just shrugged. No one knew where Woohyun was. He just disappeared.

Sunggyu also told me I could ask his grandparents or one of his close friends, but it really wasn’t worth it anymore. If he had wanted me to know where he was, he would have told me. I wasn’t going to be the obsessive and clingy ex girlfriend.

Ex girlfriend.

We never officially broke up but his sudden disappearance was basically a passive aggressive way of breaking up with me. He could have just told me he didn’t love me anymore. He didn't have to be so cruel and leave me hanging like this.

My parents found out about it when Mijoo came over one afternoon, and we were talking about Sunggyu and Jackson. I asked her which one it was, but she just seemed confused and asked what I meant with that, whether I wanted to know who was hotter because that title would go to Jackson. Then I asked her whether she had told him yet, that she liked him and all. And she asked why should she have done so. And I said, “You don’t want to know?” And she said, “I never said I like him.” Then it was my turn to be confused, and I said, “Of course you did. You’ve called dibs on him.” And she: “I didn’t mean that.” And I: “What’s the deal with you?” Because she lied to me, for a joke, and it didn’t make any sense. And then she exploded.

“No, Anjell, what’s the deal with you? I know two months aren’t enough to get over someone, but that doesn’t mean you can go ahead and suddenly set me up with Jackson or Sunggyu. You have no right to stick your nose into my business when you haven’t dealt with your own yet.” Mijoo exhaled exasperatedly, then looked straight at me. She suddenly looked sad when she said, “You’re in denial again.”

“I’m not in denial,” I argued. “I’m just trying to be normal. I’m just trying to live life. I’m not gonna be the mopy ex girlfriend.”

“Be that mopy ex girlfriend! What you’re doing right now is pretending everything is okay, even if it’s not. We all know it’s not. Two months aren’t enough to make everything okay. It still and he still .”

“Please, just let it go,” I said tiredly, in a half whisper.

“No, face it! He is an . He is a ing jerk for abandoning you like this. He could’ve at least said something. Send you a text or write you a letter, or whatever. He owes you this. For taking so much of your time just to do this bull.”

“Stop it, I don’t wanna be angry at him.”

“Why not?”

“Because…” I stopped, then covered my mouth and nose with my hands. My eyes flickered to the side because looking at Mijoo made me want to cry. “If I’m gonna be angry at him,” I said in a muffled voice, “if I’m gonna hold a grudge… then I won’t be able to… get over him.”

I looked down quickly and used my hands this time to shield Mijoo’s view from my eyes. Tears dropped down onto my lap, creating visible spots on my grey leggings. There was a sob somewhere. And I realized it was mine.

“You don’t have to get over him,” whispered Mijoo. I hadn’t even noticed she was sitting next to me now, or that her arms were around my shoulders. “You don’t just get over someone. I don’t think you can ever get over someone. But you also can’t just skip a stage and pretend to be fine. Be angry all you want. Scream at him. Hit your pillow. Cry out. Then allow yourself to be sad. Let your heart break. Wallow in your own pity. Be depressing. Be mopy. Cry yourself to sleep. Eat ice cream with cookies. Watch sappy chick flicks. And when you let everything out, all the pain and sorrow and hurt and resentment, then be the you that overcame a horrible break up. Be a fresh version of yourself.”

“But it’s so hard,” I said. “It hurts so much.”

“I know. I know it hurts. But even women undergoing cosmetic surgery overcome the pain. You can, too.”

I laughed a little. “So when I get over this, I can say I am as strong as those women?”

“You’ll be stronger. And prettier.”

And only later did I find out my mother had been standing behind the door the whole time, listening to everything we said.

☆

The cherry blossom twig gave my whole room a soft touch for no apparent reason besides its color. A color that represented spring for me. It just stood there, the cherry blossom twig, in the little vase I had put it in, and the petals were only moving ever so slightly with the wind. My windows were wide open only for that reason. I wanted to see them move.

Jackson had given me the cherry blossom twig. He said it was an apology for not having come along to Seoul. He said he felt bad for not being there when I needed someone, but I just told him that it was no big deal. He had a girlfriend now, and he needed to take good care of her.

One of the petals fell onto the windowsill when my father entered the room. My doors were open so he didn’t really need to knock. He did it anyways. That was how I knew it was my dad. My mother wouldn’t knock when the doors were open. She would just go in.

“What a pretty.”

“You mean the cherry blossom twig is pretty or do you mean me?” I asked jokingly, turning around.

He had this fatherly smile on his lips. “Of course I mean you.”

I stood up and sat down on my bed, next to him. He put his loving arm around my shoulder, and I leaned in, enjoying the warmth of his body.

“Your mother told me about you and Woohyun,” said my father suddenly. 

I immediately pulled away. “How does she know?” I asked, confused.

“Everyone in the house heard you and Mijoo talking about it.”

“Oh.”

“It’s okay,” said my father. “You don’t have to tell us everything if you think it’s awkward to tell your parents about your love life. But please know that we are here and we listen and we will never turn our backs to you.”

“I know,” I said, with a small smile.

He looked at me. “I’m not actually really good with words. I think your mother is better. But you will survive this, baby. You survived Howon, and I know Woohyun is different. God, I know you loved him. And I know it was very real to you. It really was. But you will overcome this. I survived your grandmother’s death because of you.”

“Dad, please don’t make me cry,” I joked, actually meaning it.

But he didn’t want any of it. He continued being really serious when he said, “And I want to be your strength now.”

“Dad, you’re always my strength,” I responded. “Mom, too. When I think about…”  I stopped. Suddenly it was hard to speak. This stupid lump in my throat was growing again, growing bigger and nastier the more I allowed words to escape my lips. “When I think about both of you… I just… I just don’t want it to affect you guys as well. I don’t want you guys to be sad because I’m sad. But you guys love me and it’s inevitable. Even though I don’t want you guys to hurt because someone broke my heart… It’s just… When I think of you guys, I realize that… it doesn’t hurt as much. I have loving parents, and that gives me hope. Because of you and Mom. And I love you no matter what.”

“Oh, baby.”

I turned around to see my mother standing at the door, crying. She walked over, and embraced me, and said over and over again, “I love you so much, baby. Gosh, I love you so much.”

And I hugged her back, and she kissed my forehead and said my name, and I started crying because everything was too much to handle, and she said it was going to be okay, and those were the last things I believed in, my mother’s words and my father’s warmth were the strength I held onto when nothing else made sense.

☆

At the age of 21, I graduated from university with a degree in English Language and Literature. We all had our graduation ceremony together. Mijoo, Jackson and me. We also rented a karaoke room to celebrate our diploma. Everyone got really drunk and I sang Halo by Beyonce, and Mijoo and Jackson were making out at some point, but no one cared. Jackson had broken up with his girlfriend the day before or so because of his moving. He was going to work in Hong Kong, like his father. The whole family was going to move back. So our little karaoke session was also a farewell party for Jackson.

The afternoon before he had his flight, we sat in my room and talked about our future. Jackson admitted to be kind of scared of what was going to happen in Hong Kong and whether he could still fit in. He also told us that his Cantonese had gotten quite rusty, so Mijoo and I forced him to say something in Cantonese. Something we coincidentally hadn’t thought of asking throughout the three years we had been friends.

He said, “Néih hóu.”

“Are you insulting us in another language?” accused Mijoo.

“Haih ah,” responded Jackson.

Later we talked about what Mijoo and I were going to do after all of this, and I said I didn’t want to stay in Daegu anymore. I wanted to get out and see the world. And Jackson suggested Seoul, and then I remembered that Sunggyu had said something about moving there one day, and it didn’t seem too bad for a start, and Mijoo liked it, too.

So this small idea sprouted into a big plan, and before we realized it, we were already preparing to move to Seoul. My parents supported me throughout that time, and said they were really proud of me. Sunggyu heard the idea once and couldn’t let it go since then. He said he would hate us forever if we didn’t take him with us to Seoul. So that was how we all began to pack our stuff. I was in charge of finding an apartment. Mijoo was responsible for the transportation. She recently passed her driver’s license with me, and received, as a congratulatory gift, a car from her mother. Sunggyu took care of the finances. For one or two months, our parents were going to help pay the bills. But after that we wanted to do everything by ourselves.

In June, we found an apartment in Gangnam that was quite cheap. My parents knew the owner of the apartment complex and they felt more at ease if we stayed there. We would live with another person because it was cheaper if we split the bill in four.

One afternoon, my mother was helping me sort out some stuff. There were three boxes in my room. One for the things I wanted to take with me to Seoul. One for the things that I was going to leave behind. And one for the things I wanted to donate. I was rummaging through my drawers when my mother asked, “Do you still want this?”

I turned around and spotted a silver necklace dangling from her fingers. It was the one Howon had given me on our 100th Day anniversary. I thought I had lost it. I almost forgot it even existed.

“You can put it in the ‘Leave behind’ box,” I said. Then I gave it a second thought, calculated the option that hurt the least, listened intently to my heart, my heart that was silently speaking, and I walked over, took out Woohyun’s dolls and Howon’s watch from the said box, and put them into the donation one. “Let’s make other people happy instead.”

In August, we finished sorting everything out, and moved to Seoul in the middle of the month. The weather was nice and promising during that time. It felt like a fresh new start. Like the beginning of a new chapter. Everything seemed ready and exciting. Just like Mijoo’s wide grin and Sunggyu’s laid-back smile.

My whole body awoke with high expectations.

And I really would be lying if I wasn’t slightly hoping I could see Woohyun again.

☆