☆ Thirteenth Star

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There was this one time in my primary school when I had hid myself behind the doors of that store room near the men's toilet, hugging my knees close to my chest, as I silently sobbed to myself, waiting for someone to find me. Classmates, friends, teachers - all of them were looking for me, searching the whole school  for my traces and hoping nothing serious had happened to me, hoping I hadn't run away. After half an hour of sitting on that cold floor, the door opened, and my favourite teacher walked in, relieved to have finally found me. Although I don't  really remember what had caused me to hide myself from the others, I can still recall the words from that guy who used to like me in primary school. He said I was a manipulative, whiny girl who only wanted to attract attention by acting all pitiful and helpless. In retrospect, think he was right.

It wasn't something I could control though. It wasn't even something I would notice. It would just happen without me having a slight hunch until someone confronted me about it. I think it was some kind of protective mechanism that, whenever I feared to be left alone, would control me into acting pitiful and stupid. But as I got older, and my parents stopped caring about my behaviour, my ways decreased in intensity. I accepted my life as it was, and Woohyun had given me enough attention since middle school anyways. So I didn’t really need to act weak, I suppose.

But because he had confessed to me a while ago and outrightly ignored my presence after the rejection, I started acting pitiful again. I started eating lunch outside, subconsciously knowing he would follow me, even though I was sensitive to the cold. And as always I got what I wanted. I made Woohyun give in to me, sacrifice his happiness for me. And now that he noticed, he was probably disgusted. Disgusted to have fallen in love with a manipulative, selfish girl.

The thing was, I hated myself too. I hated my fear of being alone, hated myself for acting cool to prevent people from noticing my pitiful behaviour. I was a liar; I lied to others, to Woohyun, even to myself. I was such a pathetic person, I would never understand what Woohyun had seen in me, what Howon had liked about me. I was so hateful, so disgusting.

After having realised my true colours, I had decided to apologise to Woohyun. It was the only thing I could do for manipulating him, for using me. I couldn't even imagine the hurt he must have felt after realising the truth. He must have hated me a lot and maybe himself too. 

That was why I was standing at the staircase leading down to the first floor, gaze cast on the ground, my throat feeling dry for no reason. The other students were in their respective classrooms, enjoying lunch break the way students enjoy free time. We were alone in the hallway. Woohyun and I. He cleared his throat to gain my attention, but I didn't dare to look up. I just continued staring at my shoes where I noticed dust of chalk resting on top. He cleared his throat again, shuffling with his feet. I noticed he was watching me, and he didn’t think of talking first. But I couldn’t blame him since it was me who had wanted to speak to him in the first place. I couldn't really expect him to open his mouth just because it always used to be him filling the silence.

Growing weary of becoming such a hateful person, I finally looked up, and saw a quite annoyed Woohyun impatiently tapping his feet. I cleared my throat, unable to keep eye contact, and said, “I know you hate me right now. And don't worry, I hate myself too. I can't even properly look at myself in the mirror. It sickens me somehow.” He didn’t soften his gaze, and I was tired of waiting for anything to happen, so I continued, “You probably think I'm disgusting right now. And yeah, you’re probably right about that. I am a disgusting person.” 

I looked at him, and his expression was still the same. Jaw clenched, hardened face, and lips pressed tightly together. It was like he truly didn't care about me anymore. Like, he agreed on everything I had said, wouldn’t even think about saying otherwise. Though that really shouldn't surprise me that much.

I went on, “You know, Woohyun, what you're expecting from me, I don't think it's something I can give to you. You're expecting too much. I don't know what to do. You want to stop being just friends. You want me to take a step forward. But I don't know what will happen if we suddenly start dating. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared we will realise we aren't suitable for each other after all, and our friendship will scatter into pieces. I'm scared we won't be able to go back, can you understand me?” 

After saying that, I realised how the current situation couldn't be turned back either. As much as I wanted to, it was impossible.

Woohyun suddenly looked at me with softened eyes, the shadow of a conflict flickering in his expression. I wondered just what he was thinking right now, and why he wouldn't react to my words, why he wouldn’t saying anything. He really showed no sign of actually wanting to speak up, presumably because he was waiting for me to finish first, so I decided to say something. 

“I don't know how you distinguish between friendship and love. The only time I actually had something close to a romantic relationship was with Howon, but we've started off with being lovers. There was no initial friendship between us. Feeling attracted to him was a natural progress. It was all natural. Not much to think about. It just happened.” I stopped to watch him moisten his lips, then how he ended up nibbling at the bottom one. I stared at his mouth, and said, “But with you... I just don't know. It's like I'm being confronted with a blank wall. I don't know the answer to this. Because if you were to ask me whether what I'm feeling towards you is similar to what I have felt towards Howon, then the answer would be no. It's not the same. It's different.”

“How so?” he asked, finally joining the conversation.

I gazed into his eyes. “It's just... With Howon, I knew it would be normal to kiss him, to hug him. I knew it was normal, and I shouldn't feel uncomfortable. But with you... I feel like it's wrong. Like, it's strange to hold hands. I don't know.” Disappointment crept onto his face, and I suddenly felt bad for telling him the truth. But then I remembered something I had been considering ever since Woohyun had confessed to me. I added, “Still, my answer would always be yes, if you asked me whom of you I would save from drowning. And it's not because you can't swim and Howon can or something like this. You both can actually swim. I would choose you because I feel like it's the right choice. Because you are more important to me.”

I felt this big lump in my throat, and I just wanted to go back to my comfortable bed and snuggle close into my sheets, because confronting Woohyun was harder than I had previously thought, and it was really wearing me out. My anxieties and my fears, they were so difficult to fight against, but for him I decided to be strong.

I said, “Please stop expecting so much from me. I just don't know what to do, Woohyun. It's so difficult. I'm sorry. But it's too much for me.”

“Are you done?” he asked, no emotion in his voice.

“I guess I am.”

Quietly, I embraced myself for his rejection, preparing myself for the hard blow to come. There was a ninety-nine percent possibility that he would tell me not to talk to him ever again, and the remaining one percent was my hope for turning things back to pre-confession.

But instead of rejecting me, instead of yelling at me to never show up in front of his face again, he grabbed my wrist, pulling me away from the staircase and into an empty classroom, his gaze fixed on the hallway. Inside, he slowly slid the door close, holding my arm so naturally, as if we hadn’t fought for the past few weeks. He looked serious, the way his brows were furrowed in concentration. I cleared my throat to fill the awkward silence between us, but Woohyun wouldn’t let go of my wrist. I carefully tried to wiggle myself out from his grip, but he wouldn’t budge, so I gave up. He pulled me to a random desk, and pushed me down onto the seat, an unreadable expression on his face. I was about to ask why we were in an unfamiliar classroom, but he beat me to it.

“People were coming,” he said.

I looked around, and noticed how strange it was that there were no students in this classroom, even though it was just lunch break, but before I could utter my confusion, I saw how Woohyun knelt down in front of me, and took my hand, embracing mine with his palm. I still couldn’t read the expression on his face.

“Does it feel strange?” He was referring to the hands.

“It does,” I answered truthfully, flicking my eyes from side to side, refusing to meet his gaze.

“Okay, listen, Anjell,” he began, ignoring the fact that we were still holding hands and that it felt strange to me, “I guess it's my fault for suddenly blurting out my feelings that day. I never intended to confess so soon, to be honest. I wanted to wait until I saw signs of you liking me back.” He chuckled. “So it's partly my fault for getting rejected.”

I subconsciously shook my head, not knowing why I was doing this. He looked at me and asked, “Does it still feel strange?”

“Yeah,” I said.

He continued, “You know, Anjell, I don't know what the future holds either. I don't know how long I will keep on seeing you in this way. I don't know when I will stop liking you, or if it will ever happen. That's why it's in the future, you know. Because we don't know what will happen. We can't even predict. It's solely based on our subjective assumptions.” He looked at our intertwined hands. “Does is still feel strange to you?”

I nodded, and he went on, “I think we are too used to each other. No, actually, it's just you. You are too used to seeing me as a friend. That's why you find it absurd to consider any romantic feelings. You disregard them as soon as they appear in a confusing shape. But you know what? I think you are just insecure.”

I raised an eyebrow, urging him to keep on with his explanation. 

“We are holding hands, and you constantly say it makes you feel weird. I think it's because you can't come to an agreement with me actually liking you. You think it's not real. Like, it's just a phase in my life, and I will abandon you as soon as I realise you're not the one for me after all. But… Anjell, I consider this as a huge insult to my feelings.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Does it still feel strange to hold my hand?” 

I wanted to answer, but he wasn't really expecting a response.

“I understand it's your insecurity that is doubting my feelings for you. I know you don't feel good enough to be liked by someone like me. Which makes me wonder where these thoughts come from in the first place...” he trailed off, tilting his head slightly. “But back to the topic, I feel insulted when you doubt my feelings or my words. I feel offended. It's like they mean nothing to you. Like, someone else could say them, and it would still mean the same to you. That's what makes me feel angry.” 

But he wasn't really angry.

He said, “Long story short, it's impossible to go back. We can't return to the people we used to be. Actions can't be undone. I don't hate you. I don't find you disgusting. You are still beautiful to me. Prettier than Bomi, but not more attractive than Soyou.” He couldn't suppress the smile on his lips. Though, he managed to turn serious the moment he spoke up again, “I know the future is uncertain. I'm scared, too. But I don't want to bother too much about the future. I want to live in the right now. I want to hold your hand if I feel like it. I don't want to think about my actions and the following consequences. I just want to do the things that suddenly come up in my mind. I want to tell you how much I love the way you furrow your eyebrows from your seat next to the windows. I want to tell you how much I think about your face and your little things. And yeah, I spend an awful amount of time thinking about how your lips would taste like.”

At this, I felt the heat creeping onto my cheeks, but I didn't know how to respond to such bold words, and it didn't seem like I had to think about it because he started smiling at me sadly.

“I don't know what more you need from me to finally understand my feelings. I don't know how to get rid of your insecurity because honestly I don't even know where it comes from.” He lowered his eyes to our hands, a sigh escaping his lips. “And I don't want to act rashly when it comes to you. I know, it's contradictory to what I have said a few moments ago. But when it's you... When it's you, Anjell, I feel like...”

He didn't proceed with finishing his sentence, just continued staring at our intertwined hands. They were slowly getting sweaty, and I wanted to break away from this intimate gesture, but seeing him longingly gaze at my lap, I decided not to.

“Tell me what to do,” he said, his voice small.

I silently shrugged my shoulders. “I don't know, Woohyun. I don't even know what I should do.”

“Does it disgust you so much to see me as a potential lover?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“You don't feel anything for me?”

“I do,” I answered. “You are really important to me.”

“Does it still feel strange to hold my hand?”

“No.”

He looked at me, his eyes suddenly wide open. “I just remembered Sunggyu's words.” As confusion settled onto my face, and I returned his gaze, Woohyun let go of my hand, and stood up. He asked, “Our friendship is really important to you, right?”

“Yeah,” I answered, “but what does Sunggyu have to do with that?”

A genuine smile spread across his lips as he grabbed my hand again and pulled me up, his eyes not leaving mine. He said, “Romantic friendship.”

“What?”

“Let's be romantic friends,” he suggested, still smiling at me. And maybe just this was enough for me to smile back. He seemed happy, a state of emotion I hadn't seen him in for ages. “If you don't feel comfortable being called my girlfriend, then let's be romantic friends. That way you don't have to bother being called a mix of the word girl and the word friend. Because that way we will have the attention and the stress on friends instead. Not on girl or boy.”

“What?” I repeated, not quite following him.

He laughed, wrinkles deepening at the corners of his eyes. “We are friends who are just romantically involved.”

“Isn't that the same as boyfriend and girlfriend?”

“No,” retorted Woohyun quickly, “I already used those words for Soyou and Bomi and the other girls I've dated. And the feelings I have for you are from a whole different universe.”

And then he looked at me so sincerely, I felt myself getting lost in the different colours of his eyes. He was Nam Woohyun, the only person who saw me in a different universe. And as of how the current things are in the present, I am still holding onto that thought.

☆

Being in a romantic friendship with Woohyun was a huge deal. Not that the whole school cared. They didn't even know us. But the people in our class were secretly or not so secretly watching every of our moves. They almost wondered aloud why the stargazing couple suddenly started coming to school together, why there wasn't any tension anymore, why we were suddenly romantically involved. Sunggyu smirked at me the moment I had entered the classroom with Woohyun trailing behind. He gave me that knowing look before returning his attention back to the ongoing conversation he had with Myungsoo. Bomi seemed slightly shocked, and I put all my bet on the gossips regarding us actually dating, but she composed herself quickly.

I wasn't so sure myself how I should feel about the whole situation. But Woohyun was happy, and that was probably enough for me. It did seem strange for all the tension from before to completely vanish the instant we had agreed on being romantic friends, but it wasn't like I was upset about it. It had never disgusted me to see Woohyun as a lover, and I think he was right when he said that I was too used to seeing him as my stargazing partner. The line between friendship and love was just too thin.

Right after the bell rang, signalling the start of break, I hurried to the restroom to check my hair because I had tried braiding it before school, only to realise I had PE first thing in the morning. Woohyun stopped me though, asking where I was going. I said that I had a need for the toilet, so he smiled and let me go. Entering the restroom for the ladies, I walked to the mirror above the sinks, greeting Chorong who was standing next to it. Someone flushed, and Bomi emerged from one of the cabins. She smiled a little, and I smiled back, suddenly remembering how she had once liked Woohyun and how they had broken up because of, well, I suppose, me. I briefly wondered whether she hated me for being in a romantic friendship with Woohyun. It seemed like the closest possibility.

Bomi stood next to me, and washed her hands. Hesitation was wavering in her eyes as she looked at me through the mirror. “Um, I don’t mean to sound rude or offend you, but…”

“But?” I asked, smiling as if to assure her that it was okay to continue. I stopped fixing my hair and focused on Bomi instead.

“But,” she began, nervously biting her lower lip, “do you really like Woohyun?” Before I could even react or think about her words, she added, “I mean, Anjell, really, I have nothing against you. I like you a lot. And we are friends. But the news of you guys dating seems a bit out of the blue, don't you think?”

I was looking at her, and she seemed rather honest with her words. She didn’t look like she was holding a grudge against me for being involved with Woohyun, and her eyes were neither reflecting jealousy nor envy or the like. If anything, Bomi seemed more scared than angry. Like, I would completely misunderstand her motives of asking me.

“It's okay, Bomi,” I said, smiling again. I even smiled at Chorong who didn’t have anything to do with it. “And to answer your question, I do. I like Woohyun.”

That wasn't entirely a lie.

She heaved a sigh of relief, and nodded. “Good. I was just a bit paranoid, I guess. Sorry for misunderstanding you.” She dried off her hands with paper napkins, and chucked a little. “I just don't like seeing Woohyun in that depressive state, you know?”

I knew.

They went back first, and I waited a few moments before heading to the classroom myself. On my way, I pondered about the question Bomi had asked me in the restroom, wondered why I felt like I had lied to her, to Woohyun and even to myself. I wondered why there was this voice at the back of my head, telling me I was committing a crime. I wondered just why her question was bothering me so much, more than it probably should.

When I entered the classroom, I still had these thoughts pestering my mind, and it was awful. I spotted Woohyun at his seat between Bomi and Sungyeol. He was talking with the latter, laughing at their guy jokes that no girl really understands. I walked to him just as he was turning around. There was a smile plastered on his lips. He reached for my hand, when I stood in front of him, and said that he had waited for me. Sungyeol somehow teased us for expressing our love to each other so openly, but I wasn't really listening. While I ran my fingers through Woohyun’s hair, I remembered the thoughts from before, and wondered whether I was only dating him out of pity because he seemed desperate for my affection, or because I was scared of being abandoned by him so I agreed to our romantic friendship. I wondered whether everything was just a lie, and nothing was out of love, and whether I was just a really cruel person.

I didn't know.

☆