☆ Third Star

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"Let's go stargazing today."

When Woohyun talked about stars, his eyes would always lit up, like a child's upon receiving sweets. A huge grin would be carved into his lips, a grin that pushed his cheekbones upward, creating small wrinkles by the corners of his eyes. He would look at me, or at nothing in particular, and he would look determined and full of passion. He would raise his eyebrows in a curious manner, and he would not doubt himself in the least. When Woohyun talked about the stars, he would be himself, and he wouldn't cower away and find comfort in another of his masks.

We were in our classroom, before the first ring, when he suggested to me something impossible. I pulled my pencil case out, and said, “Woohyun, you know I can't. Not today.”

He knelt down in front of me and placed his crossed arms on the cold surface of my desk. "But I feel like stargazing with you."

"Then you should have brought the telescope with you last time instead of bringing a can of beer," I pointed out, remembering the scene with a slight tinge of disappointment and anger. That night, he was definitely a different guy, someone who wasn't the Woohyun that liked talking about stars with that naïve excitement.

"Oh, come on. You are still angry because of that? I promised you I wouldn't drink anymore, didn't I."

I softened at the guilt appearing on his face, and decided not to dwell on that disappointed feeling of seeing him being his cowardly self. It was extreme to call him a coward, I understood that much, but for me it was just really weak to use alcohol as a way to forget oneself, to forget one's problems or worries. I wouldn't go all the way and say I knew Woohyun very well, down to his inner core and his deepest emotions, but I was sure he was stronger than that. Stronger than someone who would drown himself in alcohol.

He furrowed his eyebrows slightly, as if wondering what I was thinking about. Then he smoothed the crease in his forehead, and returned to his usual playful self. "Do you really need to meet up with Myungsoo? Can't you just skip or dump him?"

I glared at him. "Of course, I need to. Unless you can teach me math."

"I can teach you push-ups." He grinned, held his arm up and flexed his bicep with effort. I scoffed, and slapped his hand away, immediately catching Bomi watching us from the corners of my eyes. Quickly retracting my hands, I stared at my lap, unable to figure out why I felt guilty.

I said, "Go ahead and watch the stars with someone else. I need to understand math."

I felt his eyes on me, and just as I looked up, he turned away, leaving me to my desk in the corner of the classroom. Woohyun seemed to be intending to walk to some of our classmates, who were gathered around his seat, but before he could reach them, Bomi appeared, and said something to him. Her hand landed on his arm, her fingers curled around it, and he played along, straining his muscles just as he had done so in front of me.

☆

I was never good at math, not in middle school, not in primary school, and Myungsoo unsurprisingly was, so I asked him to help me revise the topic, in order to successfully study at home, and he agreed with much delight, because that was just the kind of guy he was. He would help people in need, offering him their hand, without wanting something in return, without expecting a hand stretched out for him. He would do you favours, but he would never ask for them. Some people said he was too kind and too easy to use, but I don't think anyone can ever be too kind or too nice, and being too kind doesn't equal being easy to use. I don't even understand why people think you can take kind people for granted. Why people think it's natural to take advantage of someone when they are being good to you.

Now that most of the students had already left for home or their club activities, the classroom in which we were staying was quiet. It was a relaxing kind of silence, which enabled me to concentrate my brain on the math problem in front of me. The window next to my seat was halfway open because at some point in our after-class tutoring session my head had felt too hot, my cheeks warm, from the complexity of the problems. Myungsoo reentered the classroom after having done his business at the restroom, and sat down in front of me, his uniform buttoned up, his sleeves rolled up around his elbows.

"Alright, look at this," he said, immediately returning to his teacher alter ego in the blink of an eye, and pointed at the variable x on my notebook, circling his finger around it. "Where can you insert this to simplify the term?” He didn't look up to me, and I tried squinting my eyes at the spot where his finger laid, as if that could help me find the answer. Not even a moment later, he gasped suddenly. “Ah, wait,” he said, now scratching behind his ear. “I actually just told you."

I laughed a little, not only because of his clumsy mistake of telling me the solution, but also because I wouldn't have known he told me the answer if he hadn't said so himself. I grinned. "Thank you, Myungsoo."

"I'm not really helpful, huh.” He shook his head, covering his face with his hands. “You were supposed to light upon the solution yourself. And I just gave you the shortcut."

"No, you are helpful. Without you, I couldn't have possibly solved this." He shifted his hands down, revealing his embarrassed face, and I smiled at him. "Thank you for wasting your time for me."

He nodded gratefully, and we both lapsed into silence. I resumed working on the math problem, fitting the variable x into the term to simplify it. Myungsoo's steady breathing calmed my heart rate, and I found it easier to concentrate. He breathed in this quiet manner, so quiet you wouldn't even know whether he truly exhaled and inhaled or not. I looked up from my notebook, curious to know what Myungsoo was doing, eager to catch his natural movements when he thought no one was watching, but only found him casually staring out the windows. Upon closer look, it seemed as if he were in deep thoughts, his eyes fixed on nothing in particular. He had the same expression as me when I looked out the windows to watch the clouds moving slowly.

"Say, is Woohyun okay?"

I looked at him, surprised by his sudden question. Following his gaze towards the setting sun, I said, "I didn't know you were so close with him."

"Although we aren't really close friends,” he answered, “he is still my classmate. And if my classmate is sad, of course I will be too."

Myungsoo was easy to understand; he wasn't complex. He wore his heart on his sleeves because honesty was his virtue. He was someone I admired, someone who cared for people, strangers. It didn't really matter to him whether he was close with the other person, or whether they even liked him. He would equally care for each of them, nonetheless. He took his time to understand people, and I admired him. I admired him because he was someone I wanted to but couldn't be.

"He will be okay,” I told him. “He is strong.”

Myungsoo nodded slowly and we lapsed into another round of silence. I stared at his profile for a long while, finding the distinct line across his jaw remarkable. I was about to focus back on my notebook, on the math problem, a problem that was so much easier to solve than Woohyun, so much easier because there was only one solution, when he asked, "Did you know about Soyou?" It took me a few seconds to nod, and when I did, he said, "And did you tell him?"

"I didn't,” I answered truthfully. “You may think that I am a bad person for not telling him, but I just couldn't. I don't think he would have listened to me, anyways."

"You aren't a bad person, Anjell. I guess people decide to keep silent about things when telling them is worse than choosing to be quiet. Even if it hurts them."

I let his words sink into my mind as I stared out the window, watching the clouds move. For some reason, Myungsoo always had a knack for making others feel less guilty, less bad about concealing the truth. He was so easy to admire.

"I sound like an idiot for being so philosophical," he mumbled then, earning himself a light chuckle from me. After a short pause, in which he turned all serious, he said, "You know..."

☆

The night sky was adorned with a few stars here and there, the breezing summer wind leaving goosebumps on my skin. Just a few minutes ago, I was still in my room, repeating Myungsoo's helpful notes, trying to wrap my head around the mysteries of math. I was tired, not in the mood to continue studying, although I knew I had to, so when the opportunity to keep some distance from algebra offered itself in the shape of a phone call, I took it. Now, with my arms tightly wrapped around my own body, slightly shielding the cold breeze, I was staring at his profile, which was titled upwards. There was again this sparkle in his eyes. And for a moment I wondered whether I looked like that too, when I gazed at the stars.

"It's beautiful,” he said to me. “Anjell, look."

I lifted my head, just as he had done so, and took in the view above me. Although Seoul's night sky was hardly that much clustered with stars, and you were almost unable to see them in the city, the beauty of those tiny bright lights, despite not many of them floating there in the darkness, wasn't any less captivating.

I noticed him staring at me as he said, "I should have brought the telescope with me."

“Yeah, probably,” I returned, looking at him. A small breeze of wind brushed against my arms, and I rubbed them with my hands, trying to warm myself up. Autumn was around the corner. "Now that we've stargazed,” I told him, “you should go home. It's late... and cold."

Woohyun nodded, more to himself, a firm line across his lips. Then he said, without looking at me, “I actually came for something else." He turned his torso a little so that he faced me, and I noticed how the sparkle in his eyes had died down. He said, “I can't be your stargazing partner anymore."

It hit me with the intensity of having your chest stabbed with a dull knife. I found myself nodding to him, mindlessly, and when I didn't say anything in return, he continued.

"Bomi asked me out today," said Woohyun, avoiding my eyes. I suddenly remembered Myungsoo's words from our after-class tutoring session when he told me that he had spotted my stargazing partner near the restrooms just as Myungsoo had gone for a comfort break. He claimed to have asked Woohyun why he was still in the school building, and supposedly my stargazing partner's answer was, “I'm waiting for someone.” Now it occurred to me that the person in question was Bomi.

Woohyun took a small breath, and added, "I said yes."

"But that's great," I answered, naturally feeling happy for him. My efforts to subtly set them up weren't for vain then. Just like Sunggyu, I felt like everything would be fine if someone could just mend his heart. If Bomi was able to do that, I would gladly accept such an outcome.

"That's why I can't stargaze with you anymore."

"It's okay. Stargazing alone is fun, too.”

He smiled a little, not enough to convince me. "Thank you for being such a considerate and understanding friend."

I smiled back, not knowing whether I was indeed meaning it. "But of course."

Woohyun was so complex, I figured out years later when it was maybe too late. He would call me in the middle of the night, so we could stargaze. He would ignore my words, and insist on going forward to his liking. He would smile, and not really mean it, and he was a contradiction. He would try to bring everything that was unfinished to a conclusion, but that was just a lie. Woohyun was just so much harder to understand and to solve than a math problem.

And my mistake as a 17-year-old, I ignorantly trusted people with Woohyun's happiness. So on this night under the almost starry sky I had let someone tear his heart open, ripping the hole even wider and making him more vulnerable to my faults.

☆