☆ Last Star

_________________________________

Having only slept for four hours, I woke up tiredly and got ready to leave. I had been on the phone with Sunggyu until five in the morning. He repeatedly assured me that I was brave and strong, and I didn’t have to be scared. Calmly, as if making sure I could face the problem head-on was priority, he said there was nothing I should be afraid of because I wasn’t the same person that had gotten hurt anymore. I was all the events that happened after that and all the relationships that mattered now. Today, I would be unshakable.

I went to the bathroom, and brushed my teeth. Then I washed my face, put on lotion, and added some mascara to my lashes, hoping that could avert the attention away from my dark circles. With a little bit of water, I ran my fingers through my hair, and fixed the front. It would suffice. When I was done in the bathroom, I went back to my room to get changed.

Last night, I had already chosen what to wear, so I didn’t have to rack my brain about it and waste time. It was a pair of high-waisted dark denim shorts, a white T-shirt and a brown flannel. I paired it up with white sneakers and a black backpack. Checking the time, I realized with shock that it was already 10:15. I quickly grabbed my keys, my wallet, and my phone, and stuffed them in my bag. Then I almost flew down the stairs, and rushed out the door.

My lungs were horribly aching when I reached Yeungnam University Hospital Station. I got there in ten, though it would usually take me at least twenty minutes from my house. Sweat had gathered across my body from all that running, so I put my long hair in a braid. I also went to the convenience store and bought myself a cold latte.

I got the subway to Daegok, then changed into a bus towards Daegu’s National Science Museum. There I whiled my time away by listening to music and messaging JB. He sent me pictures of cat-Daegu, and I decided to set them as my background picture. After thirty-eight minutes, I finally arrived, and got off.

We said to meet at twelve, and there were still sixteen minutes left until the long hand faced north, but Woohyun was already there, waiting at the entrance. He had his arms crossed in front of his chest, and was looking at his phone. I was too far away to read his expression, but his stance seemed relaxed. He wore his hair up. There wasn’t any specific point of time that I could recall having seen him in chino pants or olive colors, but today he dared both, and I had to admit it suited him well.

I took a deep breath, and moved my feet towards him. Any other day I would have hesitated, asked Sunggyu for advice. But this was something I had to do by myself. And I was going to do it by myself. I had to stop relying on people for strength.

Woohyun lifted his head, and when he saw me approaching him, he broke into a smile. Uncrossing his arms, he put his phone away. A yawn suddenly escaped my lips, and he started laughing, buckling over in amusement.

I said, “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. Are you tired?”

“A tiny bit.”

He left it at that, and started walking towards the glass doors. I followed him, but my heart did this stupid thing where for a moment it felt like I was excited. So I reminded myself that this wasn’t a date, and we weren’t the same people from before.

“Should we check when the next show is?” asked Woohyun, joining the queue at the information desk. “Or should we just buy the tickets now and then walk around?”

“The latter.”

We stayed in silence while we were waiting for the line to diminish in size. The couple in front of us was talking about a maglev train that uses magnetic force to levitate the train in the air, and it aroused my interest. As I turned to Woohyun to ask whether we could go there later, his phone started ringing. He apologized, and checked the caller ID.

“It’s my mom,” he said, looking up at me. “She’s probably wondering whether I have arrived safely.”

“It’s okay, you can get the call.”

“No, I’ll just text her.”

The couple in front of us bought their tickets, so it was finally our turn. The next show was at one, so we had an hour to look around. We paid separately, and the woman at the information desk gave us our tickets. 

When we stepped aside, he told me, “She’s saying hi.”

I had met his mother a few times, before and after we got into a relationship. She was always kind to me, and seemed to have welcomed me into her family. Recalling her face, I asked, “Is she well?”

“Yeah, she’s well,” said Woohyun, putting his phone in his back pocket. “We’re living at my grandparents’ currently.”

“How about Boohyun and your father? Are they well, too?”

“They are in Seoul. My parents got divorced. But they still talk sometimes, so I guess things are kinda okay between them.”

I didn’t know how to react, but I think there’s never really a right answer to such matters. So I just nodded at him, and we mutually agreed to postpone this conversation to a later time.

☆

At first, we went to Permanent Exhibition Hall 1, where you learn about the environment and its relation to humans. There were several monitor screens that offer a futuristic perspective on how to improve nature for the benefit of humankind, for instance projects involving algae fuel or solar energy. However, I didn’t stop long enough to read the texts explaining the ideas. I solely stared on the pictures and illustrations for a few seconds before heading to the next presentation. But Woohyun was different. He genuinely seemed interested in the museum, whereas my head was somewhere else. Frankly speaking, it was a pity I couldn’t align my enthusiasm to his.

I walked away on my own because I needed time to think. In front of me was a globe that was surrounded by a handrail with several black remotes attached to it. Some children were playing around with the green and red buttons, watching how the globe changed depending on their input. I stared at them absentmindedly, and wondered to myself.

The reason I had asked Woohyun out to the museum wasn’t because I wanted to rekindle our romance or watch the stars in the planetarium. I had not even once considered that Woohyun and I could get back together. There was no such feelings left between us. Even if we sorted out what had happened in the past, we were two different people now. Three years were too long. We lost to that time, and none of it could be brought back so easily.

Woohyun knew this wasn’t a date. The chances were slim for him to think that all of this wasn’t actually a premise to find out the truth. I wasn’t sure how much he knew of my intentions, but he had at least some of it figured out. It was only a matter of time until he noticed.

“Should we grab something to eat?” asked Woohyun, walking towards me. “We’ve got half an hour left.”

“Is there a cafeteria here?”

“Yeah, on the first floor.”

Without further discussion, we took the elevator to the first floor, and went to the cafeteria. I got myself a cappuccino while Woohyun ordered a sandwich for us to share. He told me about his military service, how much his mother was crying when they had to say goodbye, and the emotional stress during those twenty-one months.

“When did you enlist?”

“Summer, 2016.”

Which was a year and a half after our “break up”.

“I think, if I had to point out one time that was the hardest for me,” he said, picking up crumbs from the plate. “I’d definitely pick those twenty-one months as a recruit. The loneliness was too real.”

It was finally time for the planetarium, so I quickly finished my drink, and followed Woohyun past the Children’s Hall and the 4D Theater. At the entrance of the dome, we showed them our tickets, and they let us in. It was slightly dark inside, but we could still see couples with their excited children sitting at the front. Woohyun walked to the back seats, and sat down in the middle. I joined him there. More and more people pooled in. I placed my backpack on my lap, pulling out my phone from the side pockets to check the time. It was 1:04PM. Sunggyu had texted me half an hour ago, and was asking whether I was alright. Putting my phone away, I turned to Woohyun.

He had properly leaned back into the seat, supporting his elbows on the armrests. His hands were casually intertwined and placed on his stomach. When he noticed I was looking at him, he moved his leg, and pushed my knee. A smile crept up on his face.

The lights slowly dimmed when they closed the doors. Leaning my head against the seat, I looked up at the dome screen. Although I didn’t really come for the stars, my heart couldn’t deny the excitement rushing into my blood. Having three housemates - with two of them always coming up with crazy nights - prevented me from sitting at the windowsill and gazing up at the stars. I had distanced myself from the only lights in the sky that gave me hope. So it came as no real surprise when my toes crinkled and my cheeks started hurting from all that grinning.

A female voice gave a little introduction to the show. She talked about Galileo Galilei who was the first to use the telescope to observe celestial objects in the night sky. The dome screen displayed a galaxy, and slowly moved across the surface. I held my breath because it was so mesmerizing and grande. Showing Polaris, the announcer went on saying that the study of stars had began before technology could even provide suitable devices. Aristotle and Hipparchus were mentioned as philosophers who had pondered about the celestial objects in the sky in relation to earth. 

A constellation that resembled the letter H with its lower legs almost spread into a line appeared on the screen. I had seen it before, but I couldn’t remember which of the twelve zodiac signs it belonged to.

“Hey, it’s your constellation,” whispered Woohyun, as if he had noticed my confusion.

“Ah, it’s Virgo.”

When he leaned closer to me, I could smell the gel in his hair. Pointing at the brightest star, he said, “There is Spica.”

“How do you know so much?” I asked, looking at him. Back in high school, we only knew the basics of astronomy. Like the aesthetics of stargazing and how to find Polaris. We weren’t interested in the brightest star of our constellations.

“At university, I chose astronomy as one of my classes.”

“Didn’t you study Science Education?”

“I changed to Physics and Astronomy. But I dropped out because of the army.”

The announcer told us to sit back and relax because they were going to take us on a journey through the universe. With a soothing melody playing in the background, I watched as the screen changed to the Milky Way. But I wasn’t very present anymore. My head was filled with questions concerning Woohyun and this one year after he had broken off our contact and before his military service. If I was sincerely aiming to get what I wanted, I would have to ask him about that period of time.

☆

After the planetarium, we left the museum, and were now standing at the entrance, aimlessly, as if none of us knew what to do, so I checked my phone to see the time. It was quarter past two.

“I came here with the car,” said Woohyun, relieving us from the oppressive silence. “I’ll drive you home.”

Without so much of a conversation, we walked to the parking lot, and got into his car. I fastened my seat belt, and looked around myself. For some reason, it felt like I was sneakily prying into his life, searching for clues to make me understand the mystery that was Woohyun. His car was very neat and clean. The seats were a beige leather, and reminded me of chino pants. Not his chino pants. Just generally chino pants. 

Woohyun turned the key in the ignition, and the radio started playing “Let It Go” by James Bay. He adjusted the rearview mirror a little, and said, “Oh, this one is good.”

We hit the expressway 451 towards Buk District. Occasionally, we would talk about old memories and old classmates. I found out a few things during the hour that it took to get home. For example, Woohyun had met up with Myungsoo a few days ago since he came back from the army. They watched a movie together, and there Myungsoo told him he wasn’t with Bomi anymore. Apparently, they had broken up years ago. Woohyun also said he had attempted to get in touch with Soyou, but she never replied. He assumed she had gotten a new number since she was kind of famous now.

“Are you still in touch with Sunggyu?” he asked, glancing at me.

“Yeah, we’re living together,” I replied. “With two other people.”

“What about Sungjong?”

“I haven’t talked to him for a year.”

“And Howon?”

I scoffed, but I didn’t mean for it to sound so sarcastic. I quickly said, “Sorry, I just didn’t expect that.”

“It’s okay.”

For the rest of the drive, we stayed in silence, and listened to the radio. The closer we got to my house, the more anxious I felt. My heart was beating against my chest. I swallowed hard, hoping that could diminish my anxiety. But we were already on my street, and familiar houses passed by us in an almost blur. Woohyun switched on the blinker, and lightly stepped on the brakes.

“Can you continue driving?”

As soon as the words escaped my lips, I regretfully looked down on my lap. A sudden embarrassment filled my body, and heat rushed to my ears. Like a persistent fly, I stayed in the passenger seat. I didn’t dare to look at him, in fear of the expression on his face.

Woohyun switched off the indicator, and drove past my house, further down the street. Quietly, he hummed to the song in the radio. As if he wasn’t annoyed at my sudden decision. As if he knew there were still things I needed to say. We reached a cul-de-sac, so Woohyun went into reverse, then left the neighborhood.

“If you are free for the rest of the day,” he said, “we could go to Apsan Park.”

“Am I not taking too much of your time?” I asked, finally looking at him. My tone was a bit playful, but in truth I was very scared.

Woohyun looked at me for a second, then turned his attention back to the street. “Nah, I’m bored anyways.”

“Let’s go to Apsan Park then.”

☆

We reached Apsan Park after an hour of driving. There was a lot of traffic on the highway, so we couldn't make it earlier. I left my bag in the car, only taking my phone with me. Woohyun was already outside, looking at the map, and when I joined him, he pointed at a spot slightly away from the main road. “I found this place when I came here alone,” he said. “When it gets dark, you can sometimes see fireflies.”

“Should we go there?”

His eyes lit up, and he nodded vehemently. My heart squeezed a little. Side by side, we walked up the mountain, staying on the road. The trees around us rustled to the strong wind. Only the gaps between the leaves allowed sunlight to filter through. Unique patterns were thus forming on the ground. At some point, Woohyun tripped over what seemed like nothing, and I burst out laughing. I asked him whether he was alright, but I couldn’t stop giggling. He had a smile on his face. When I composed myself, he said, “Glad to know I amuse you.”

After half an hour of hiking, we reached the spot where we had to leave the main road in order to get to where Woohyun’s secret place was. It was at a clearing inside the forest. Carefully, I followed Woohyun down the woods, stepping on uneven ground. He occasionally looked back to see whether I was still behind him. At some point, he also offered me his hand, but I said I was good.

“We’re almost there.”

The frequency of trees decreased the further we walked, hinting the clearing was near. I took off my flannel, and tied it around my waist. Beads of sweat gathered around my neck and forehead. My hands were quite sticky, so I rubbed them against my shorts. While I was at it, I pulled out my phone, and took a photo of the scenery. It wasn’t exceptionally beautiful, but I liked the colors of the sky, and how it complimented the green of the trees.

When Woohyun slowed down, I knew we were there. He turned to me, and stepped back, spreading his arm, as if saying: this is it, this is my secret. His eyes were bright and full of wonder. He resembled an excited child that is proudly showing his parents what he has done. The clearing itself wasn’t anything special. It was fairly small, and overgrown with moss. The surrounding trees were tall, and let little light filter through. Due to that, it seemed like there was only shade. The abundance of plants made the clearing appear almost cramped. But what really caught my attention were the huge tree roots that penetrated the ground. They were at least waist-high. Woohyun climbed on top of one, and balanced his way towards the tree trunk. I walked over, and looked up at him.

“It’s cool, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, this is pretty cool,” I mused, watching him squat down. “If I were a firefly, I’d choose this place too.”

He chuckled a little, but didn’t say anything. Then, patting the spot in front of him, he said, “Come up here.”

For a moment, those lost years that we were apart didn’t exist, and I was in high school, and he was unbroken, and we were in love, and there was nothing that made me think twice. Nothing that fueled my doubts. When he gazed at me, and held out his hand, I momentarily forgot everything bad that had happened between us, and cruelly allowed myself to experience the sweetness of his touch once again.

On top, Woohyun moved me so I would lean against the tree trunk. Then he sat cross-legged in front of me. Playing with the laces of his sneakers, he said, “We came here before, remember? After graduation. But it was so cold.”

I shuddered at the thought. “It was freezing.”

“I think Apsan Park is prettier in summer. Mostly because of the fireflies.”

“When do they appear?”

“At sunset.” Woohyun checked the time on his phone. “Well, they are already here, but you can only see their glowing lights when it’s dark. So in one and a half hour?”

The sound of cicadas emerged from the background, filling the silence that followed. As a breeze blew across my face, the earthy scent of the forest poured into my nose. I casually removed the braid from my hair, and let the waves cascade down my shoulders. Seeing how long they had gotten, I mentally reminded myself to get a hair cut.

“Tell me about your housemates,” said Woohyun, supporting his elbows on his knees. “You said you are living with Sunggyu and two other people. Tell me about them.”

I was a bit surprised by his request, how he had taken a sudden interest in my life, but I answered nonetheless. “One of them is Mijoo. You might remember her. My friend from university. I also worked with her at Liebling. The beauty shop.” He placed his head on his palm, and nodded. “The other is JB. Well, his real name is Jaebum, but we call him JB. He recently bought a cat for the apartment.”

“Weren’t you the dog type?”

“I don’t think I ever chose a type.”

“What’s the cat’s name?”

“Daegu.”

Woohyun snickered, uncrossing his legs and dangling them on either side of the tree root. “Who thought of that?”

“Sunggyu.”

“So typical,” he said lightheartedly. “Remember when we used to call him grandpa because he was always so lazy and sat down whenever he had the chance? Is he still like that?”

I thought about the question for a second, and the image of Sunggyu slumping across the whole couch appeared before my eyes. “Well, he does like lazying around a lot. But he’s hardworking as well, and serious when it matters. His lazy attitude seems to be more for show.”

“Wanna know something funny about me and him?”

In a second, he had my full attention. There was a slight tilt at the corner of his lips, and his eyes were wide and playful. The mole above his brow was exceptionally visible today, as if it were his third eye, as if it were judging me.

“I always thought he liked you. And, if you were given the time and chances, you would like him back,” said Woohyun, lowering his gaze to my hands. “But here comes the funny thing. At the end of first year, when you were dating Howon, Sunggyu pulled me aside, patted my back, and said he was rooting for me. No one really remembers, but we used to be quite close back in the days. Besides you, he was the closest classmate I had.

“But then I met Kibum and the others, and a lot of bad things happened between Sunggyu and me, and I couldn’t overcome my jealousy because I was so immature and narrow-minded. In the end, he was such a good person, but I messed up our friendship because of my insecurities. So if there was one thing I could change, it would be my trust. I should’ve trusted him more.”

“You should tell him that,” I suggested. “He loves compliments.”

Woohyun laughed a little, shaking his head. “What about you? What is this one thing you’d like to change about your past?”

Ideas gathered in my head, most of them concerning relationships. I could think of thousand more, but they all had one common ground. “I wished I had more courage,” I said honestly. “When a friend betrayed me, I wished I had the courage to confront her. Or when my parents argued, I wished I had the bravery to stop them. Instead of running away from my fears, I wished I could have faced them straight on.”

Woohyun didn’t say anything. He only looked at me, as if that was all he could do. The setting sun peeked out from the gaps of the trees, creating warm rays across the clearing. In the sky, you could see different shades of purple and orange merging together like paint on canvas. He followed my gaze, and looked at the far distance. I turned to him. He put his index finger up, and said, “Wait, I think you can see them now.”

Jumping off, Woohyun picked up a branch from the ground. Then he carefully swung it across the tall grass in one swift movement. When he did that, little beaming lights emerged as a result. They flickered to a pattern, swirling around the clearing in their glowing skirt. As if hypnotized, I watched the fireflies dance to the sounds of a late summer evening. If there really was something that was almost as beautiful as the stars, it would be this.

“They emit this light because air rushes into their abdomen,” explained Woohyun, gazing up at me. “It’s a chemical reaction. So imagine if we had that light-emitting compound in our body. We would be glowing.”

“And the closest we could ever be to becoming a star.”

☆

When we hit the road back, my eyelids felt heavy, and I immediately nodded off. The four hours of sleep I had weren’t enough, so it was only a matter of time before I crashed. All I remembered from that one hour in the car was that I had a very short dream. It was about a marathon and JB being the organizer. People I barely knew were participating, and I wore the number 91. But when the starting pistol sounded, I jolted awake.

Dazed, I looked out the window, and saw the sky was already dark. It had begun to drizzle. Rain drops obscured my view of the surrounding. I squinted my eyes, straining myself to make out the shapes in the darkness. There was a very familiar two-story house on the right. Looking further down the street, I spotted the sign in the distance. Horror and shock dawned upon me when I finally realized we were actually parked in front of my house.

It was awfully quiet in the car. There was no sound coming from the engine. We must have been here for quite a while, considering how he had turned off the ignition. My heartbeat rose exponentially at the thought, and I slowly looked over to the driver’s seat. Woohyun was casually sitting there, his phone in his hands, and had one of his brows raised at me. I rubbed my eyes, and asked, “How long was I knocked out?”

“The whole time,” he said, laughter in his voice.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“I tried. But you wouldn’t budge.”

My cheeks warmed at his comment, and I looked away. Through the windows of my house, I noticed the kitchen light was on. My mom was probably watching TV and making her infamous Kimchee. I could almost imagine her hardworking hands thoroughly mixing the ingredients together and the strong smell of garlic and chili filling the house. If I went in, she would be there. She would hold and embrace me; she would give me strength. But I just couldn’t bring myself to get off the car. That was the whole deal. If I did, I would not have gotten what I wanted. If I did, everything would have been for nothing. 

“Anyways, thanks for today,” said Woohyun, his sudden voice bringing me back to the car. “It was fun. Honestly, I didn’t think we would actually click so much, but I guess we still do. It’s almost like we never parted ways, right?”

“Why did you disappear then?”

The question shot out of me like the starting pistol in a marathon. There was no turning back now.

“What?”

“Why did you disappear?” I repeated, louder this time.

Woohyun let out a long sigh, stretching the silence between us. He then said, “You don’t intend to see me again after this, huh.”

Anger started welling up inside of me, and I couldn’t help it. A part of me knew this was one-sided, and I was being unfair towards Woohyun, but another part of me  — the part that had gotten hurt the most — couldn’t just let it go. I finally turned and looked at him, and when I saw the neutral expression on his face, I burst out, “Today, all you were saying was you suffered the most in the army, and if you could change anything, you’d change the way you treated Sunggyu. But where am I in all of this? Was I mistaken when all along I thought I was a big part in your life just as you were in mine?”

“Of course not!”

“Then why did you disappear?” I asked again. For too long, I had been dragging out this question, and now it was time to lay it all out.

“A lot of happened at that time,” he said, running a hand through his hair.

“Like?”

“My parents’ divorce.”

I hesitated for a second. Family issues were a separate thing, and didn’t necessarily have anything to do with our relationship. But I had already decided to go all in, so I did that.

“I understand that problems in the family can mess you up,” I offered. “But it’s not like my parents were perfect, and didn’t argue. There wasn’t anything you could’ve done, and I still laid it bare to you. Because knowing you were there was enough for me.”

He shook his head. “It’s not that easy. And it wasn’t just the divorce either. I failed my course. I turned out to be pretty bad in something I loved—”

“How was it not easy?” I interrupted. “I feel like you are making a small thing into a bigger problem.”

“How is my parents’ divorce a small thing?” he shot back.

“I’m not saying that. I’m talking about your trust. You could’ve told me about it. We could’ve figured out something together.”

“And here’s where we are different, Anjell. You might think everything will be okay when you trust someone with your problems, but I think it’s just a waste of your breath. Why should I bother someone with my if it doesn’t even concern them?”

We both looked at each other, throwing hot daggers between our eyes. Like children that find their rival in their best friend, we stubbornly refused to be the first one to give in. Except we weren’t best friends anymore. And we weren’t rivals. I’d like to say we weren’t kids either, but our immature behavior said otherwise. Hotheadedly putting blame on each other and getting all worked up, we weren’t any different from three years ago.

“Okay, assuming you didn’t want to bother me with your problems,” I tried again, choosing to solve the conflict rather than getting emotions out of him, “because I couldn’t have helped you, and it would have been, according to you, a waste of my breath. Then what was the whole point of our relationship? What was the point in your promises?”

Silently, Woohyun looked up to the car’s ceiling, sweeping his tongue across his lower lip. Rain drops started hitting the front window pane with so much infuriation. Like the clouds were angry. My throat tightened, and I swallowed hard. The lump was still there. And that stinging feeling in my eyes, too. A few seconds passed by, at a painfully slow pace, and when he turned back to me…

“There was no point,” he said, a crack in his voice. “That’s why you and me didn’t work out.”

His words echoed in my head, droning into my brain with an enormous force. Once they were registered, they translated into emotions and thoughts and chemical reactions. They travelled to my chest and cruelly squeezed my heart as if they needed its last drop. But still, even that wasn’t enough. Because I also felt them in my fingertips and feet and shoulder blades and eyes. The pain was everywhere. Like a horrible, horrible sense of loss. Like the first big heartbreak.

I pressed my lips together, breathing through my nose to compose myself. There was still a lot to say. I couldn’t just break so easily. Not now.

“You know, Woohyun,” I began, like it was the hardest thing to do, “I really loved you. At the beginning, I thought I didn’t. Because I wasn’t really sure about my feelings. And it seemed to me as if I only liked you because you liked me. I thought it was only natural to fall for your best friend. Everyone else was saying that, too. But in the end I really did love you.”

“Please don’t do this.”

His eyes looked so sad suddenly, as if just like me he had been holding back. I scraped what was left of my courage, and continued, “And even though I’m not perfect, and I made you suffer, and I get very insecure and scared, I still gave it my best. I still made the efforts even though I was so lonely. Even though I hated — I really hated the distance. And I convinced myself to trust you. And I refused to let go. I refused to hate you.”

“Don’t do this to me,” he pleaded.

But no one stopped when I was begging. No one listened when I was crying. And I wouldn’t do that for someone I used to love either. Our promise to not hurt each other had long reached its expiry date. We could never be the same again.

“So how could you say there was no point?” 

There were a few occasions where I had seen Woohyun tear up or show a sad face, but he would never cry. Maybe he did that behind closed doors, when he was alone. But he would never do that in front of me. This was the first time. After all these years, he now showed me the visual representation of his vulnerability. And it broke my heart.

He was furiously rubbing his eyes — a useless attempt to stop the tears from spilling over — but you could clearly see his lips were quivering. The sobs escaped him one after another. He was shaking. It pained me so much to see him like that, knowing it was me who hurt him. We both had suffered enough. But we kept on doing it. Again and again.

“Why are you crying?” I asked, half angry and half swallowing back my own tears. I couldn’t see his face because he was covering it with his hands. But his body had at least stopped trembling.

Woohyun shook his head, and breathed out weakly. I waited for him to speak, the way I always had to wait for something. Moments went by in silence. Only the regular beat of the rain sounded in the car. I had lost my sense of time, but it didn’t really matter anymore. At last, he finally put his hands down, and looked at me. 

“I lied when I said the army was the hardest for me. It was only so hard because I was always alone and had so much time to think about us.” His voice was scratchy and thick with tears. He pinched his nose, and sniffled a little. Biting his lower lip, he went on, “When I first changed my number, though — that was the hardest. Your face constantly appeared before my eyes. When I got a new text. Or when I just stared at my phone. It was like, however much I tried to run away from my past, the image of you would always outrun me. And that was kind of a given, wasn’t it? I was trying to forget something that hasn’t ended yet.

“But I couldn’t say that to you. It was so hard for me because I had to come in terms with the thought of hurting and losing someone I loved so much, and if I said that, it would sound like I was asking for forgiveness. And I don’t have the right to do that.”

A long sigh escaped my lips. I looked down wearily, and said, “So what now? What do you suggest we should do?”

“Come up with a closure that is satisfying for both of us. Be honest, and tell each other what we really want from this.”

“Can I start then?”

“Go ahead.”

I closed my eyes, and took deep breaths. The image of high school Woohyun after the cultural festival flashed before me. We were sitting in the empty hallway in front of our classroom, and he was rubbing the remaining make-up off his face. I was watching him. We were talking about something, making trivial promises. And none of that mattered anymore. A memory of the past looked ridiculously pale against the present. But that was the reality of growing up.

Eyes shut, I said, “Thank you. I think this must be one of the things I haven't said enough in the years we have known each other — so, thank you. For being with me. For loving me before I even knew how to love myself. There were so many occasions where you made me feel so happy, and you always tried to hold me up, always gave your best, so I’d like to think that in the end it was just too much for you. And you couldn’t do it anymore. And you gave up.

“But I’m not gonna lie. When you disappeared out of nowhere, I was hurt and disappointed. It felt like you were betraying me. Like everything was a lie, and you were sick of playing pretend. So I have to admit I felt a bit better when you said the separation hurt you too. I thought at least your feelings were kind of real.”

“Oh, they were real,” said Woohyun, and I opened my eyes to look at him. “You were my first love. I can’t exactly remember when I started to maximize my pain in favor of yours, but one day it all just happened. And it made sense. And you were all I ever thought about.”

I smiled a little, but the tears were still there. Even though we were being honest, and there was no malice coming from our lips, pain still found its way into our hearts. We were so fragile. When did we become so fragile?

“After tonight, I want to look back and remember you as someone that made me more happy than sad. I want to be able to hear your name and wonder how you’ve been. But most importantly, I want to remember you as my best friend. Someone I happened to love dearly. Because I don’t want to forget the memories of when we were in love.”

“How do you think we can achieve that?”

“I think after you’ve said what you wanted to say we’ll know.”

Woohyun nodded, then turned around and gazed at the street. His eyelashes glistened under the moonlight, making it appear as if remaining tears had clung onto them. Without looking at me, he said, “I’m sorry for all the times I’ve hurt you or made you cry. Trust me when I say that no boyfriend feels good about making their girlfriend sad. And I never did. I always thought I was such an when I upset you. I thought I didn’t deserve to have you if all I did was make you feel all these bad things.

“I’m sorry for disappearing as well. And for messing you up. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when it was hard for you. Or that I didn’t give you the chance to find me when my life was hard. I’m sorry we didn’t work out. But I really wanted us to make it. I thought, if it was you and me, we could do it. We could grow up together. We could watch each other become adults.”

“Instead, we had a time skip,” I remarked.

He chuckled a little bit, and looked at me. “We did. Because our relationship grew from a place of insecurities. We fed on each others’ fears, and that wasn’t fair for both of us. But you can’t really help it.”

“What do you want to do from now on?” I asked when I saw he had finished speaking. “How do both of us become happy?”

“My wish is something for the future, and doesn’t really concern what happens after tonight.”

“Go on then. I’m curious.”

“I want us to talk,” said Woohyun, with a slight tilt in his voice. “I want us to go back to how we used to be before the feelings and the relationship. But I understand that it’s not possible right now.”

“I think we would need a lot of time to go back. Months. Maybe years. I can’t even promise that it’d be the same.”

“It doesn’t have to be the same. And I can wait.”

“Right now, I think we have to accept that we were young back then,” I offered. “And naive. And we didn’t know who we were or who we were aspiring to be. But we tried our best in the relationship and made the best mistakes.”

As I said that, I noticed a warm expression slowly forming on his face, as if those words were all he had needed to hear for the past three years. He looked at me with so much calmness and familiarity, it brought new tears to my eyes. Opening his arms, he motioned for me to come closer. I smiled weakly, and leaned in. He hugged me, enclosing my body with his. I could feel his hands caressing the back of my head, his fingers in my hair. He was so warm. When I eventually pulled away, he pressed his lips against my temple and let go.

The rain had stopped, so I grabbed my backpack and got off the car. Woohyun leaned forward in his seat, and waved. Before I could shut the door, he opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something. I hesitated.

“By the way, Anjell,” he smirked, pointing at his eyes, “your makeup is smudged.”

“Farewell, Woohyun,” I huffed, and slammed the door close. Inside the car, I could see him holding his stomach and buckling over in amusement. I shook my head disapprovingly, but my lips were curled up into a smile. Once he composed himself, he sneakily winked at me, and drove off into the night.

And that wasn’t the last time I would see him.

☆