☆ Seventeenth Star

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In December, we received the results for our entrance exams. Depending on which university you were aiming for, the outcome was either satisfying or disappointing. My scores belonged to the former group, so did Woohyun’s. It seemed like both of us had successfully managed to reach the minimum scores for our universities, meaning it was highly possible that we were going to be accepted.

In February, we all graduated from high school. It felt surreal to be one step away from becoming adults, but I noticed subtle excitement pulsing under my skin, nevertheless. It was okay, for now. To grow up, that is. It didn’t seem too bad. But that was only the case because we were just at the beginning, and it would only get harder from now on.

I caught a small and almost unnoticeable glimpse of how “harder” would look like during graduation when I spotted Sunggyu standing near the entrance of the school building, far away enough to not cause any attention. He was standing there all by himself, all alone, absentmindedly looking at his phone, and it crossed my mind to go there and ask him what was the matter. It also crossed my mind that I still hadn’t replied to his text from the planetarium yet, and how strange it was that he had never asked me about it. That and the fact that something was wrong about him didn’t seem to have any connections, though. Both just randomly crossed my mind while I was watching him, wondering why he furrowed his brows so harshly.

My mom approached me then, and the idea of asking Sunggyu about his problems faded into the back of my mind. She was holding a bouquet of flowers, and congratulated me for successfully graduating high school. I looked behind her, and was surprised to find out that I didn’t feel disappointed because of my father’s absence. I understood he had work to do, and he did send me a text after all.

When she left, not before pushing the bouquet of flowers into my hands, because she had something else to do, I glanced back at Sunggyu, but he wasn’t there anymore. I worried that something was really wrong about him, and I feared that I would never get the chance to ask him, when Woohyun appeared, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. That was when I remembered that I had promised him to spend the afternoon on our graduation day together since we couldn’t meet up during his birthday last weekend. He turned eighteen on the 8th of February, but I had been too busy helping my mom out and he had been too busy working at his part-time job that in the end we hadn’t managed to celebrate his birthday together.

Woohyun quickly brought me to his family so I could greet them. I was surprised to see his father there. He was usually never present at such occasions. Under the pressure of looking good in front of his parents, I formally introduced myself to him, a bit too nervously, even shaking his hand. But he smiled a little, so I was relieved. Woohyun told them that we were going out on a date today, which earned us an embarrassing whistle from his older brother.

We bid goodbye with his parents and his brother, then took subway Line 1 to a place he didn’t want to tell me about. In my hand was still the graduation bouquet, and it suddenly reminded me of Sunggyu standing near the entrance of the school building, a gloomy atmosphere surrounding him. I wondered whether he was having problems at home, different problems than mine, or whether he was just in a bad mood. It was a pity that I couldn’t ask him, that I had missed the chance, but there was nothing I could do about it now.

“Tell me if you’re tired,” said Woohyun, holding my free hand. “Then we can take a break.”

“Why? Are we going somewhere far?”

“It’s a secret.”

We exited at Banwoldang, and entered the Metro Centre, which was an underground shopping mall. During the confusion of people entering and storming out of the train, we had lost each other for a small moment, but Woohyun naturally found my hand back, and squeezed it, as if to tell me that he would not let go anymore. He was, again, wearing a watch around his wrist, an unusual habit that he had developed over time. We stopped at a cafe and sat down somewhere away from the entrance. I pointed at his wrist.

“You’ve started wearing a watch.”

He looked down on the table where he had placed his intertwined hands, and nodded. “Yeah, since it’s all about time now.”

“What do you mean? We have plenty of time to spend together.” Only after hearing myself speak those words did I realise what I was implying. My words had slight connotations of wanting to spend my life with him. They suggested something along the lines of infinity, and I kind of disliked that.

“Not really,” he said, glancing to his side. The glass window offered a full view of the people strolling around the underground shopping centre. He seemed to be watching them, but maybe he wasn’t really. Without looking back at me, he carried on, “We should enjoy the moments while we can. Someday we won’t have this anymore, you know. And then we can only look back at our memories, but the essence of what the memories used to be will be lost.”

I stared at him for a long while. The Woohyun in front of me was so different. He seemed more mature, a lot more serious. There was a mist of wisdom and knowledge swirling around him, as if someone wise had visited and taught him all the lessons of life over the few days we hadn’t seen each other. He was suddenly not joking around anymore, not just playing, carelessly living his life. Suddenly he seemed to be growing up.

But then again there was something wrong about it. It was normal for me to not believe in the idea of eternity, but for Woohyun, someone as romantic and dreamy as him, to not believe in forevers was odd. And I wondered why.

“Was that weird?” he asked suddenly, looking at me. “What I said, I mean. Did it put you off?”

“No, no, why would it?”

“I don’t know. I was surprised myself when I suddenly said that.”

I shook my head. “It’s okay. It’s good if you talk about serious things once in a while. We can’t always pretend to live life carelessly, observing the world without worries.”

“Yeah,” he said, a smile on his lips, “but just so you don’t misunderstand, I only said we should enjoy our time together because we never know when you’ll get sick of me and the possibility of me getting sick of you is pretty slim.”

At that, I just rolled my eyes, almost impressed by his ability to go back to being childish with a finger’s snap.

☆

Woohyun brought me to Apsan Park, and I suddenly felt stupid for not having known about this place before. It was beautiful and cold, and at some point in time I left my mom’s bouquet of flowers somewhere on the ground, unable to withstand the icy weather any longer, my hands seeking warmth in the pockets of my coat. Woohyun suggested to give me his pullover, but I rejected his kind offer. Only my hands were annoyingly sensitive towards the cold. The rest of my body was feeling okay.

We were thinking of taking the cable car to reach the top of the mountain, but an elderly woman advised us to not go up there. She said it was even colder at the peak of Apsan, and looking at my trembling lips she told Woohyun to take care of his girlfriend instead, and ranted on about kids nowadays only wanting to impress people.

When the woman was out of earshot, Woohyun leaned in and asked, “Did I just get scolded by a stranger?”

“I think you did,” I answered, laughing a little.

We decided to stay at the base of the mountain and spend our time wandering around the temples. But after some while I really couldn’t endure the cold anymore, and when I told Woohyun, he grabbed my hands and rubbed them between his two palms, warmly breathing into them. I stared at his face the whole time when the wind suddenly brushed his fringe to the side, and I noticed the mole above his left eyebrow. It had always been there, and I could swear I had seen it before back in middle school, but one day it just disappeared from my memories, given how his hair would always hide the mole.

He saw me staring at him, and asked, “What’s wrong?”

“I like your mole there,” I told him, pointing at his eyebrow.

“I have a lot of moles on my body.”

I pulled my hands away from his grasp, and looked away. “Like I want to know.”

Out of his concern for me and my sensibility regarding the weather, we took the subway back to the city. Inside the train he asked me something surprising, something I hadn’t expected in that moment, although I had thought about it before.

“Do you want to sleep over at my place?”

The reality of being someone’s girlfriend hit me then.

Hard. Like a slap across my face.

I was Woohyun’s girlfriend.

I was the person he was most intimate with.

I was Woohyun’s girlfriend.

After realising that I wasn’t dating him anymore because of pity or the fear of him abandoning me, I threw away the idea of romantic friends. The truth was, we were more lovers than we were friends. But that wasn’t entirely a bad thing. Depending on the perspective, it could end well or it could end badly. And I was a supporter of the former group.

The truth was also, I knew that it was going to happen one day. That Woohyun would demand more from me once I had successfully reached his expectations. I knew we weren’t kids anymore, that we were both becoming adults. It was one of the typical things in life that would happen to people.

Another truth was, I had thought about it before. What it would feel like to give Woohyun all of me. I had thought about it, had tried picturing it, and it didn’t end well. I was so embarrassed just at the thought of us together that in the end it made me realise my heart wasn’t ready yet for such intimacy.

I was certain Woohyun would understand that.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” he said, “I am not hinting at that or something. I just…” He looked conflicted for a moment, as if he were afraid I would create a wrong image of him. “I’m just wondering what you would look like in the morning before you wash your face. And whether you drool in your sleep or snore in your dreams. Whether you sleepwalk or talk with your eyes closed. There are just so many things around you that I’m curious about.”

I didn’t know what to say.

So Woohyun continued, “I really am not expecting that from you, really. I wouldn’t ask for something so important. Trust me, Anjell. My intentions are pure, I swear.”

If he phrased it like that, it wouldn't sound too bad. The whole sleepover idea, that is. But on the other hand you could never predict such events. He might promise me now that he wouldn’t touch me, but if we were to lie on the same bed, side by side, and were to feel the warmth of each others’ bodies, I wouldn’t be so sure about his words anymore. Even if that thinking might suggest that I didn’t fully trust him yet. Or myself.

“I would have to lie to my mom again,” I said at last.

“Oh, true. That would not be…”

“Are your parents okay with that?”

Woohyun thought about my question for a while, then answered, “Yeah, I think so. We would have to sleep in the living room though because my mom doesn’t trust me a bit.”

I remembered that his parents’ bedroom was on the first floor, only a door away from the living room, and considering the floor plan, the fact that his mother could barge into the place whenever she wanted to, I highly doubted Woohyun would start something.

Then I also remembered my situation back home. With my parents still fighting. With them giving each other the cold shoulder and only saying the necessary things. And I realised Woohyun’s idea sounded so much better when including my problems at home into the decision making. It implied freedom and lightheartedness, things I couldn’t find at home. So, given all of this, I kind of agreed.

☆

The sleepover never happened, though. My mother had been in a bad mood that day and said she needed me at home, so I obeyed her, because a moody mom was the worst kind of mom. And then we only had a short break until university started, in which both Woohyun and I had to prepare for our respective majors.

Time, in the true sense of the word, wasn’t necessarily in our favour.

But we texted each other a lot. And we talked on the phone. Before going to bed, Woohyun would call and tell me stories about his classmates, like how that one guy decided to not study for a test, resulting in him getting scolded by the teacher, or how he really got along with his seat neighbour who shared his views and his opinions of the world. He said Mir - that was his name - had the humour of a shy milk hiding behind a tree, which was in Woohyun’s opinion a ridiculously hilarious joke, and that he might have found someone who could brighten up his dull days at university, when I wasn’t there.

It was nice to listen to Woohyun’s stories, but at the same time his stories reminded me of my own introversion, of how I was unable to make friends in any of my classes. Woohyun was outgoing; he could break the ice anytime and everywhere he went. He knew how to make people feel comfortable, how not to let the atmosphere become awkward. To him, everything came easily. He would make friends without much efforts, without even trying hard. But I was his complete opposite. I didn’t know how to approach people, and now that Woohyun and I were attending different universities, and I couldn’t really rely on his help anymore, it became even more difficult for me. Maybe impossible.

From March until mid-April, Woohyun and I didn’t meet up once. He was busy doing group projects for his major, and I had to spend my time on writing essays, so it wasn’t an exaggeration in the least to say that limited social contact ruined me somehow. I only really interacted with my parents - that quite infrequently - and with Woohyun on the phone. I didn't kept in touch with Sunggyu or Myungsoo or Bomi, Chorong and Eunji, considering how weird it must be to suddenly contact them. And Sungjong was preoccupied with his girlfriend, so I didn’t even bother initiating the move.

After Woohyun called me one Saturday evening, telling me about his Mir friend, who had shamelessly danced in front of the class, it dawned upon me that you can miss someone even if you have just listened to their voice, and they are actually only a few kilometres away from you.

I certainly missed Woohyun. And I wondered if he did.

☆

My mother and I decided to spend some quality time with each other after I had finished my essay for English Literature. I think, she somehow noticed how lonely I was - given how I would always come back from uni to retreat into my room and study or type away on my laptop, only leaving for the bathroom or for dinner - although she definitely wouldn’t be able to associate this empty feeling with Woohyun. My mom and I hardly ever went shopping together, but today she insisted she had always wanted to walk into pretty stores with me and leave without actually buying something, and believing it would be better to savour her good mood moments while we were at it, I decided to go along with her plan. Even if it felt unnatural and slightly awkward.

We entered the Metro Centre, the underground shopping mall to which Woohyun had taken me at graduation, and bought sweet waffles to satisfy our slight appetite. My mom spotted a store in which they sold cheap shoes then, and while pointing at it she said to me, “Let’s go there.”

Following her inside, I decided to join the bandwagon and take a quick look at all the shoes displayed to us on shelves. I wasn’t really into shopping or clothes, but girls in general are into these stuff to some extent. I was, of course, not an exception. 

My mother picked up ballerinas shoes, and showed them to me. “How do you find these?” she asked.

They were in a faded pink, the tip of the shoes covered in a shiny black. I gave her a thumbs up, and said, “Try them on.”

And when she happily sat down on a chair, slipping off her shoes with a smile on her face, as if nothing in this world could take away her happiness now, I believed for a moment that everything here was natural and perfect, that we were all fine. For a millisecond there, while watching her try on the ballerina shoes, I forgot that my family was secretly breaking apart, that I had unknowingly been given a deadline, after which I would have to come up with plans to deal with the aftermath. And in that millisecond, too small to notice, I believed it was okay to tell her about Woohyun, so I did. Impulsively, with an amount of bravery I didn’t know exist in me.

“Do you remember Woohyun?” I began. “He was one of the guys who used to come over to our house.”

My mother looked up at me, and I almost forgot how to breathe. “The one with the pretty nose?”

“Um, I’m not talking about Myungsoo.”

“I know who Myungsoo is,” she said, standing up to walk to the mirror at the other end of the shop. I followed her. “And I think I know who Woohyun is.” Turning her torso slightly, while having her eyes fixed on the mirror image of her shoes, she asked, “What about him?”

“We are dating.”

I expected some kind of reaction from her, maybe surprise or anger, but my mother just nodded nonchalantly, without looking at me, and said, “Bring him over when he’s free. We need to properly introduce each other.”

So that was that.

Later that day, I spotted Sungjong sitting at the fountain in the underground shopping mall, so I approached him while my mom went back to buy the ballerina shoes she had previously laid her eyes upon. After much struggle, I had managed to convince her that it is okay to buy something you like and to pamper yourself once in a while. My mother wasn’t someone who would carelessly spend her money.

Sungjong greeted me with a hug, then went back to staring at his phone. I felt a bit left out, as if I were invisible to him, and I honestly didn’t know how to let him notice I was uncomfortable with the way he wasn’t paying attention, when he suddenly looked up, and asked, “You’re dating a Nam Woohyun, right?”

“Yes,” I said, surprised by the sudden question and by the indefinite article before his name.

“And he has a sharp nose and a small face, right?” he added, looking at his phone, then back to me.

“Yeah, why?”

“Is he studying at Keimyung?”

“Yes, Sungjong, but why are you asking me all these?”

He finally stopped and stared at me, his expression undefinable. With a nod, he gave me his phone. “This is him, right?”

I accepted the device in my hand, then looked at the screen displaying me this popular app called Instagram. There was a photo of Woohyun. He had his eyes closed, his head placed on top of his arm, which was stretched out onto the desk. The photo seemed to have been taken in his classroom. And there was a girl in the photo. She was sitting next to him, probably holding up the camera herself, and her eyes were closed, imitating Woohyun who seemed to be sleeping. Her tinted lips were protruded, and she was slightly puffing her cheeks. I glanced at the caption under the photo, which read: poor us, followed by the hashtags: #namu #hyun #keimyunguniversity #tired #bff.

“Do you know her?” I asked Sungjong, unable to come up with a better question.

“No, but some of my friends follow her, so I stalked her a little, and saw that photo.” He seemed a bit awkward when he added, “There are more of him.”

I clicked on her username, and scrolled through her photos, unsure of what to expect and for what to prepare myself. There was one picture with a group of people, and Woohyun was one of the guys smiling into the camera, the girl right next to him. It had been taken in the classroom, I suppose, and those classmates were probably the friends he had told me about, Mir being one of them.

The next one I found was just of Woohyun and his science project, his eyes turning into those crescent moons I loved and a dimple digging into his cheek. There was no caption, but what caught my eyes was the question in the comment section.

Someone asked her, “Your boyfriend?”

And the girl did not reply to that.

I gave Sungjong his phone back before I could get even more curious about her, and smiled when he threw me this worried look. In a sense, I was pretending to be okay, as if taking things lightly, as if the photos hadn’t affected me a bit, and they really shouldn’t have. Woohyun hadn't done anything wrong; he wasn’t cheating, nor had he lied. And I wasn’t even angry or hurt or disappointed. Maybe slightly confused as to why the girl made it seem like he was her boyfriend. But what just really bothered me was the fact that I, as his girlfriend, hadn’t noticed how tired he must have been over the past month, because of group projects or his part-time job, and the fact that Woohyun wouldn’t let me know about it, wouldn’t even bother telling me about his fatigue and his lack of sleep. I knew he was trying to keep me from worrying too much, but it just really bothered me to be the last one to know. As if that were a secret only his girlfriend couldn’t find out about.

Or maybe, without me being aware of it, there might be something else. Something I didn’t want to acknowledge, a certain emotion I was trying to shut out from revealing itself…