☆ Nineteenth Star

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“Who is Hyomin?”

Internally I counted all the times I had been let down minus all the times I felt lonely and abandoned just to arrive to a null. My heart was beating at an inhuman speed. My chest felt like it was going to burst open and splash blood all over Woohyun. The image of a little girl with pigtail hair obscured my vision, blotting everything before me. Something pricked in my eyes, and I had to close them, just to remove that uncomfortable feeling.

It was awful.

“I’ve never heard of that name before.”

Constrainedly, I buried my head into Woohyun’s chest, attempting to come off as naturally as I could possibly do. “She was just an old friend.”

“Really? I never heard you talking about her… Hey, you alright? Anjell? You okay?” He gently tried to push my head away from his chest, but I was stubborn.

“I’m good. Just tired,” I mumbled into his sweater.

“You sure?”

“Uh-huh.”

“What’s with your voice? Anjell, you sure you’re alright?”

“I am. Stop asking me.”

He said nothing after that.

We lay on my bed in silence for the longest time, and I could’ve fallen asleep if not for my human needs. My face was literally pressed against his chest, and the lack of oxygen almost killed me, so I lifted my head and took a deep breath. At the same I looked at Woohyun and he was staring off into space, deep in thoughts, his lips pursed, eyes focused but not really focused. I worried that he might have taken my defensive attitude regarding Hyomin as an insult, so I softly called his name, ready to apologise. But he just turned to me, and nudged his head, as if to lazily acknowledge me.

“Are you angry now?” I asked, that question taking me back to Howon for various reasons.

“Huh? No. No, I’m not.”

“Then what are you thinking about?”

“Honestly?”

I nodded.

“You are Virgo, aren’t you? I’m Aquarius. And you know what they say about these two star signs? They are the worst possible match. I recently read an article about that. How I am someone who is intense and needs adventure and you’re someone who needs order and stability. They say I am more feeling-oriented, and you’re more rational or something. That we are not compatible. And that really killed my mood. I mean, what am I supposed to say to that? After all, the stars hold all the truth of my world in them.

“But then I thought about it. I really thought about it. And I came to this conclusion: why am I letting a ball of plasma dictate my whole life? Why am I allowing pretentious people decide who I should date and whom I am not compatible with? Who are they to tell me how to live my life or what’s best for me? Because when I thought about it, really thought about it, I kind of wondered whether I am really good enough for you or not. If not even the stars are agreeing with our relationship, who is gonna stand up for us? Whom can we trust?” He took a small breath. “I don’t want to live like this, you know. I don’t want to question our relationship. I don’t ever want to end up questioning myself. Or you. I want to be sure of it all.”

Woohyun took my hand and played with my fingers.

“The past few weeks I’ve been missing you so much, Anjell. I couldn’t tell you over the phone because I didn’t want to sound desperate. But in a relationship it’s not about whether you embarrass yourself or whether you look good in front of your significant other. I don’t believe in that. I believe in being honest because you never know when it’s over.”

I gently placed my free hand on his cheek. He leaned into the touch. “Don’t worry so much about stuff like that," I said. "We’re still ourselves and the stars are still above us. Nothing has changed. Even this single thought you had, it’s not gonna change anything in this world. Whatever we do in our lives, it doesn’t matter to the world.”

He looked into my eyes, then leaned in and cupped my cheeks. His face was only inches away from mine, his fringe leaving a tingling feeling on my forehead. I took a deep breath. He leaned closer and kissed my lips. He stayed there for a while, just his lips on mine, and I automatically closed my eyes. Then he slowly pulled back, and went in again - this time my lower lip. His body moved along, rising from his position, and with his gentle strength he turned me over so that I was lying on my back. I could softly feel his warm tongue peeking into my mouth. Instantly my heartbeat rose ten times higher when he moved his hand to my hip, circling his thumb around the exposed skin. He pushed my top further up, using his fingertips to caress the sides of my body. I was going insane. With every touch I felt myself losing control of the world around me. With every kiss and every I felt my head hitting the ceiling. It was a scary, yet amazing feeling.

Woohyun pulled back suddenly and said, “If you’re enjoying this too much, I’ll stop.”

“Why?” I breathed out.

“Because your mom might come back anytime.”

I groaned. “You shouldn’t have teased me then.”

“Foolish girl, you know I love teasing you.”

☆ 

The weekend after Woohyun’s visit, I went to work at the beauty shop again. Mijoo was there too, but she seemed to be in a bad mood. A rare case, usually. She hardly talked to me, didn’t joke around, only did her job at best. At some point I looked at Jieun and nudged my head towards Mijoo, asking my manager why my classmate was acting so strange. The former only shrugged her shoulders.

During lunch time, I sat together with Jieun in the staff room. Baby Soul had her day off and Mijoo disappeared as soon as the store closed.

“How are your studies?” asked my manager as a matter of fact.

“They are alright. I’m keeping up. It’s not too bad.”

“And your boyfriend?”

“He is busy. Has lots of projects to do.”

Jieun peeled a banana painfully slowly, as if with precision. “How many times do you see him in a week?”

“Sometimes once. Sometimes every other week.”

“He’s so busy?”

“We do talk every day on the phone, though,” I explained.

“You must miss him a lot then.”

“Yeah, some days, yeah.”

“When I started dating this guy in high school and we went off to different colleges, it was awful. It was nearly heartbreaking. If you watched us as an outsider.”

I stared at the still unpeeled banana in Jieun’s hand. “Because you guys loved each other so much?”

She gave me a sarcastic laugh. “No. Rather because we both pretended to be single at our respective universities. Jun and I loved each other, for sure. But when you’re surrounded by a bunch of new people, you start eyeing that cute guy in your class or that y teacher in the hallway. You start to find the old boring and begin to be curious in the new. That’s quite a normal human behaviour.”

“Did you guys fight a lot?”

“No, not at all.” Jieun finally took a bite of her banana. “We got along really well when we met. There was no cheating involved in our relationship. We might have flirted with other people, might have liked the attention we got from the opposite , but we never cheated on our partners. And whenever we saw each other, it felt like falling in love with the same person all over again.”

“Are you still dating him?”

“Of course not. I’m twenty-seven now.”

“What happened?” I wondered aloud. “If I may ask.”

Jieun shrugged nonchalantly. “He changed, I changed. It was only natural.”

I remembered my conversation with Woohyun and decided to ask a person who knew more of the world than we both did. “Do you believe in complete trust? Have you ever trusted someone completely?”

“That’s an interesting question,” said Jieun, humming a simple tone as if to stretch out the silence to ponder about the answer. “I think I had complete trust in God once before.”

“God?”

She nodded. “We’re quite a religious family. Not in this radical way. We believe in a higher power, but we’re not trying to impose our belief on everyone else. We don’t even go to church every Sunday.”

“You said ‘once before’? So you don’t trust Him anymore?”

“I don’t know, to be really honest. Sometimes I do. I mean, I know I can trust him completely, but my judgment can be clouded by superficial things sometimes. And that’s when I fail to rely on him. That’s when I question everything.”

Mijoo entered the staff room without a word. She went to her bag and grabbed her phone before disappearing again. Not even once glancing our way.

“I hope she’s alright,” I remarked, talking about Mijoo.

“Don’t worry about her. She’s sometimes like that. One day she’s all up your face and the next she ignores you completely. Don’t be bothered by it.”

☆ 

Woohyun and I arranged to meet up at his grandparents’ place, where he and his brother had been staying all this while because his parents were busy packing their things and moving furniture around. I rang the bell, excited to see my boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

That word still sounded foreign to me. As if giving Woohyun such a title wouldn’t do him any justice. 

He opened the door and I just stood there, admiring the sight in front of me. His  grey sweatpants hung loosely around his legs, his white T-shirt closely hugging his upper torso. The V-neck cut exposed his chest modestly. I felt my heart squeezing.

“Come in, lovely.” He grinned. “To our luck, my grandparents are not here.”

He led me to his old room. We entered silently, as if not to wake up and scare off his childhood memories away, before he turned around and said, “I need to tell you something, but you better sit down first.”

Confused, I sat down on the lower bunk.

Woohyun paced around his room, opening his mouth, then closing it again. His brows were knitted together in concentration, his hands busy fidgeting. I asked him to calm down and tell me whatever he wanted to tell me, but he wasn’t listening. Before I could grab his hand to make him stop moving, he already halted in his steps. Turning to me, he finally spoke.

“I bumped into Sungjong today.”

The mention of my primary school friend’s name never brought any luck between Woohyun and me. I almost dreaded the outcome of this conversation.

“I was on my way home when I saw him in the subway. He was standing there all alone, and I remembered how we always had this fallout because of him, so I thought I should go and try to be friends with him. I thought maybe if I learned to understand him better, we might be able to solve this matter once and for all. So I walked up to him. He remembered me of course. Who wouldn’t remember someone as handsome as me?” He broke into a smile because I scoffed at him. Then, turning all serious again, he carried on. “Anyways, so we talked a little. He asked me how you were doing, and I told him that you were doing good. And then I kind of remembered our conversation about this Hyomin girl.”

My heart stopped at the mention of her name.

“And I asked him who this Hyomin was because you never told me, and I really wanted to know, so I thought I should just ask Sungjong. And he was shocked that you hadn’t said anything about her to me at all. So he told me to wait and went for a call.”

“Woohyunㅡ”

“Lo and behold, he called the Hyomin girl and asked her to come and meet him at the subway because she lives near here or something and it only takes her around ten minutes maybeㅡ”

“Woohyun,” I repeated.

“ㅡor maybe five, I can’t remember. But yeah she came after a while and introduced herself as your good friend, and I was surprised how nice she was. She literally beamed with friendliness, and we just hung out a bit. But she seemed like a chill girl andㅡ”

“Woohyun, please stop!”

I felt my heart racing, unpleasantly drumming against my chest. Woohyun finally shut up and just looked at me with unreadable eyes. All of my breath was knocked off of me. I felt like suffocating in this room. The walls were drawing in. Sweat gathered in my hands. My cheeks heated up.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked. “Why did you stick your nose into my business when my body language clearly indicated you not to do that?”

He said nothing. Standing there with an indifferent face.

“Why are you so ing curious about her? Why are you so curious about what had happened in my past? Do you want to know every little thing in my life? Do you want to know all the juicy details between Howon and me as well?”

Still no reaction. Only tears pricking my eyes.

“How could you do this to me? How could you act so inconsiderate?”

Finally Woohyun spoke up. “Inconsiderate?” he repeated incredulously. “How is that inconsiderate when I know something’s wrong with my girlfriend but she wouldn’t tell me because she doesn’t trust me or whatever?”

“I don’t feel comfortable talking about it, okay. Just accept it.”

“I can’t,” he said, raising his voice a little. “I can’t just pretend nothing’s the matter and go on with my life. How are we supposed to lead this relationship when there’s clearly something bothering you and I don’t know how to fix it?”

“There are some things you can’t fix. Don’t always try to solve my problems.”

“It’s because you don’t trust me.” Woohyun shook his head slowly. “I don’t know why you can’t tell me, why I’m not trustworthy enough. I would never backstab you. I would never use this information to betray you. Knowing something embarrassing about your past wouldn’t change anything between us. I would still love you.”

“Disrespecting my boundaries wasn't included in your definition of love then.”

He stopped short. “You don’t get it, foolish girl.”

“Stop calling me foolish girl,” I yelled.

“You know, Anjell, sometimes it feels like I only know one half of you. Like you are hiding the other one from me.”

With that he left the room.

I sat there for a while, in silence.

Then the tears came.

☆ 

That same afternoon I walked out into the living room and found Woohyun lying on the couch, facing the ceiling. The TV was on but I doubted he was paying any attention to the screen. I stayed at the door frame for a while, observing him, then went over. I knelt down.

He turned to me and touched my cheek. “Were you crying?” he asked, gently caressing my tear-stricken face. “I’m sorry for making you cry.” His eyes weren’t really focused, but they seemed to be glistening under the dim light above us. “I lied. I didn’t meet Sungjong, and I didn’t meet that Hyomin girl. I just made that story up to see your reaction. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Hyomin was my best friend in primary school.”

Woohyun stopped caressing my cheeks and finally looked at me. He seemed to be searching for something in my eyes. Then, as if everything had turned back to normal between us, he stood up and sat down on the floor next to me.

“I was always shy and quiet, and she kind of brought me out of my shell. We would do everything together. If she was invited to a birthday party, I would tag along because you could only find us as a pair. We would like the same pets, the same teachers and the same guys. Not always. Not with that skateboard senior.”

“So you were talking about her? When I asked you about your best memory?”

I nodded. “She was my everything. I know this sounds stupid, but I was a kid back then and she was the only hold I had in this life. I was so insecure and didn’t know where life was leading me. I had no idea about myself. I needed someone to guide me and she did the best job in fitting the role. She made me feel happy and wanted. She made me feel less lonely. Because I had her, I had the whole class. If she liked you, everyone else would, too. She was that kind of a girl.

“There was that one time during primary school when I hid myself in a store room because of something I can’t remember. They found me after a while and then this guy that used to like me came up and said I was a manipulative girl who needed attention. He was, of course, right. I literally thirsted for love and warmth. And I never got it. I’m not saying my parents never gave it to me, but for some reason I tried searching for it elsewhere. I wanted to be liked by my classmates, but I clearly messed up.

“And Hyomin always supported me. She didn’t say anything about my embarrassing behaviour. She didn’t look at me weirdly or completely stop talking to me. She was always there. But then we had to choose middle schools. And she just wouldn’t tell me where everyone was going. She would just ignore my question or pretend to be busy with something else.

“But I found out somehow. So I applied for the same middle school. Because I wanted to stay with them. I still wanted to be friends even if she acted weirdly to me. I didn’t want to be left alone. Until this day I don’t know how she managed it, but she clearly did. She told everyone to choose another middle school. So I ended up being alone again. Everyone went to the same middle school, and I was by myself. Sungjong later told me to transfer, but it just wasn’t worth it anymore. I was too tired of giving my best in keeping this friendship while the others couldn’t be more bothered.”

I took a deep breath, finally letting go of this thick burden on my shoulder. “How she got my number, I don't know, but she started reaching out to me last year, and I basically ignored all her texts. I know it has been years, and we’re all adults now, but I just can’t seem to face her anymore. Not that I’m still holding a grudge. Or maybe I am. I don’t know. It’s just… She’s a sensitive topic to me. She basically ruined my primary school. I don’t want to put all the blame on her, but maybe I do. I don’t know. It’s just messed up.”

Woohyun had been listening quietly the whole time, occasionally nodding here and there. The wave of emotions hitting me when he looked into my eyes was overwhelming.

“Now I understand why you told me something about Hyomin when I asked about your best memory during primary school.” He put his arm around my shoulder. “You were influenced like that. To put yourself lower than her.”

I slumped into his half-embrace.

“I’m not saying she did this on purpose or it was her fault. I suppose she was just that type of a person. Her confidence just outshone everyone else’s. And you felt intimidated by her presence. So you put your value lower than hers.” His thumb caressed my shoulder. “She was such a big influence in your life. All your past reminded you of was her.

“But I hope you understand that you are really precious. Not only to me. I mean, definitely to me. But you’re precious to your parents, too. And probably to Sungjong and this Mijoo girl. I’m sure you’re precious in Myungsoo’s eyes as well because everyone’s precious in that guy’s eyes. And I don’t care how many people want to put you below them because to me you are so damn precious, and I really hope this is vaguely enough for you.”

Tears emerged in my eyes, but before Woohyun could notice them, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close to me. “Thank you,” I whispered. “Thank you so much.”

Woohyun pulled away to wipe my tears. Then he kissed my eyes and said, “I’m sorry it hurts you. I never wanted to force you to anything, but I needed you to tell me about that part of your life. I know it was selfish. But when I love someone, I want to know everything about them. I want to know their whole being. Not just the good and happy things. I want to see the bad and love them nonetheless. I want to fall in love with their quirks, their flaws and their embarrassment. I want to accept their past and love them in the present. I’m sorry I made you cry.”

I just shook my head. “No, Woohyun. Telling you about it made it easier for me.”

He stared at me for a while, then spoke, choosing his words carefully. “Do you want to know about Soyou? So that we can get all cleaned up from our past?”

“If you want to, please do.”

“You promise after I tell you about Soyou, you won’t go ahead and tell me about Howon?”

I chuckled. “If you don’t want me to, I won’t.”

“I think I know enough of you guys. I don’t need the juicy details.”

“Shut up, and talk,” I said, rolling my eyes in amusement.

“That’s practically a contradiction in itself,” remarked Woohyun all wisely. But then his smile faded, as if he realised he was going to put a broken part of his heart into the outside world for everyone to see, and he said, “Just to clear things up, I never loved her as much as I love you. I mean, in a way she was a temporary solution to my growing feelings for you, but then I ended up liking her somehow. In a messed up way. Like the way you fall in love with the rain when it’s literally drenching you or the way you get addicted to smelling glue although you know they are harmful.”

“You like the smell of glue?” I asked, raising my brow.

“It can get quite addicting sometimes.” 

“Okay, go ahead with your story.”

He nodded. After a small pause he went on. “We started dating and all that crap, and before I knew it, I started caring about her a lot more than just as a replacement. Of course during that time I still liked you. I never stopped liking you. But then I found myself thinking about Soyou suddenly, asking myself what she was doing, whether she was taking a nap, whether she had eaten already. I found myself missing her for no reason. It was really weird.

“Like, I liked her a lot when she was not with me. I liked her more when we weren’t together. Because when we were together, I felt miserable. It just wasn’t healthy or good. For once I only used her to forget about you. And she was always… How should I describe this?” He ran his hand down his face. “She never told me anything. When I asked her what was wrong or what was bothering her, she would just look away and say, ‘Nothing.’ And I hated that so much. Because why couldn’t she just say what was on her mind? Why couldn’t she stop playing those mind games?

“And then there was her ex boyfriend. Only later, through Kibum, did I find out that she had been texting with him back and forth while we were in a relationship. He basically tried getting back together, but she told him that she had a boyfriend. And that was fine by me. Of course I was pissed off that he was texting her, but at least she did make it clear that she was with me. What I just didn’t get was why she wouldn't tell me anything. It was like she was keeping it a secret from me. And I hated that.”

I waited for him to continue.

“I mean, it was like I didn’t know her at all. I couldn’t trust her. She was full of mysteries and I hated that so much. She messed me up so much. Like, I could never tell with her. She could’ve been cheating on me all this while for God’s sake. Who knows. It all just made me feel miserable.”

“I’m sorry she did this to you,” I said, not knowing anything better to say. “And I’m sorry if my behaviour reminded you of her.”

He shook his head. “No, it’s okay. Everyone has trust issues, you know. You have it. I have it too. Everyone does. And that’s okay. We’ll just have to try and fix it together.”

☆