☆ Twentieth Star

_________________________________

Woohyun was going to move away this summer. It wasn’t necessarily final yet. He basically just said he was considering to move to Seoul with his parents because he couldn’t leave his mother on her own, especially since she was a house wife and his father constantly spent his time at work and she would become a lonely woman. But considering something that had already been decided only suggested that a tiny bit of doubt was slowly growing into a change of mind. So I figured Woohyun was going to leave.

I didn’t mind much. My rational self told me that it was a good thing. He would be able to stay with his mother, someone he loved so dearly, and we could always call each other and there wasn’t much of a difference from now. We both hardly had time to meet even weekly, so I supposed I wouldn’t mind. I supposed it was going to be fine. Missing him wouldn’t hurt so much.

But I was wrong.

On a weekend in which I didn’t have to work, I got to see my father. He heard about me not working that Saturday so he asked his boss whether he could take a day off to spend some quality time with his daughter. His boss was a really nice person. She owned this large real estate company in downtown Daegu and employed around 300 people all over South Korea, my father included. Being the busy woman, she wasn’t married yet nor had she any kids as far as I was concerned. And I doubted she really needed to marry anyone or have children. She owned a huge business, was successful. Why should she settle down when everything was going so well?

My father and I were sitting in the living room, on the couch, watching a drama with Lee Seung Gi in it, his favourite actor, when the topic of Woohyun emerged.

“You said he was going to move to Seoul, huh?”

I mentioned Woohyun’s leaving earlier this morning, but we didn’t manage to discuss it any further.

“Yeah. This summer.”

“What about uni?”

I responded quickly because I had asked the same question before and knew the answer already. “He said he will transfer.”

“Is it already decided? That he is going to leave?”

“Probably.”

“He didn’t even waver?” asked my father mockingly, in a joking manner.

“He did. He would have been up and gone long ago if not for me. I am the only reason stopping him from being honest to himself.”

“What do you mean?”

I sighed. It was a complicated topic. “He wants to leave. I’m sure of it. He loves his mother. Leaving her sounds too out of character, if you get what I’m saying. Woohyun is so filial to her. But he doesn’t want to leave me either. That’s certain, too. Still, I think he gets that family should be on the top of the priority list. He just thinks I would get offended when he chooses his mother.”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“Not really. He hasn’t said anything specific yet. He just mentioned it shortly, that he was considering to leave with his parents, and I told him it was a good idea.”

My father made a face. “Ouch, I wouldn’t have said that, if I were you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Look, he could’ve said that so casually to see your reaction. Maybe to test whether you love him enough to stop him from leaving.”

I laughed. “I don’t think so, Dad. This topic is too serious to make a joke out of it.”

“Well,” began my father, shrugging his shoulder, “boys can be really complex sometimes. They can play mind games, too.”

“Not Woohyun, though.”

“Then what about you? What are you gonna do?”

“What about me?”

“Do you want to move to Seoul?” rephrased my father. “If you want to move away to stay close to him, you have my permission. Only your mother might have something more to say about it.”

I shook my head. “No, I will finish my studies here in Daegu. What happens after that will be decided later.”

“You’re becoming so mature, Anjell.”

“For real now.”

☆

The last time I had the chance to spend time with Woohyun before he moved away was on my 18th birthday. He said he had prepared something nice for me because we didn’t manage to do something great on his birthday and he believed at least I should have a memorable time. I was curious, of course. He made it sound so intriguing. He made me ponder for a long time. He would text me every ten minutes or so (while at work) and ask whether I was excited for his surprise, and I would reply with an angry emoji, telling him to stop teasing me, that he was cruel to act like that. But he would just send a smiley back.

My mother baked me a cake on my birthday. When I woke up that morning, she sent me to the convenience store to buy some milk. I didn’t think it was suspicious at all because she usually sent me running for her random errands, but then I came back and there was a vanilla cake on top of the kitchen counter, my name written with melted chocolate, a candle stuck in the middle, and I realised my mom baked me a cake. 

She used to do that all the time when I was little. I would come back from school, all happy and giddy because it was my special day, and expect some great surprise in the form of a delicious cake, maybe some presents on the side as well, and I would feel all warm in my heart, like hot coffee is brewing inside my chest. But when I grew older, she stopped doing that. I was getting too old for that.

“Is Woohyun coming over today?” asked my mom after I thanked her for the cake.

“Oh, no, we’re celebrating my birthday at his place.”

“Make sure to take the cake.”

At 4pm I received Jieun’s message. Mijoo’s followed right after. As well as Baby Soul’s. They all wished me a happy birthday. Then I received another text from an unknown number. It read: Happy Birthday, Anjell. Hope you’re celebrating it properly.

I was about to reply and ask who was texting me when I received another message from the same number: 

Oh sorry it’s me Sunggyu. I have a new number.

Almost dropping my phone because of this surprise, I texted back with:

Hey, haven’t talked to you in awhile. Thanks, thanks. How are you?

Sunggyu replied:

Not too bad. You?

My heart burst with warmth at the thought of us reconciling our friendship.

I’m good. We need to catch up at some point.

Definitely. That’s why I asked Jieun to give me your number. She told me about you.

Did she?

She acted all suspicious and told me that one of her coworkers knew me.

And then?

I thought she was joking at first. Until Mijoo came over and they were suddenly talking about a person named Anjell. That’s when I knew it was you.

Seconds later, he added:

I only know one person called Anjell.

I felt this sudden comfort around me, like guardian angels protecting me with their white-feathered wings. Sunggyu had always been one of the people I had wanted to keep in touch with. I always thought it would have been great to be able to keep this friend in my life. Myungsoo as well. 

☆

Woohyun came to pick me up at 6:30pm. He was wearing a blue shirt, paired with black shorts and white shoes. I noticed he had just showered by the way his fringe softly fell over his brows. The ends of his lips curled up as he looked at me. I almost expected him to be holding a rose behind his back, a thought that didn’t seem too far-fetched, when he held his arms out, empty-handed, and embraced me. And I didn’t need any more than that.

We held hands on our way to the train station, in the train, on our walk to his grandparents’ house and even when we were greeted by Nurungie. My hand moulded into his perfectly, his warmth emitting love, speaking of safety. He led me to his room, and that was when his inner Romeo shone and my guesses turned out to be correct.

There were white candles placed across the floor and on his nightstand, any excessive light dimmed to the minimum. Rose petals formed a weirdly shaped heart on the carpet. His whole childhood room smelled a little too flowery and sweet, but it was Woohyun and it was cheesy and I had goosebumps on my arms but I was still grinning.

“Oh god.”

“That’s not even the best part yet.”

He took my hand again and walked me over to his bed. Telling me to sit down, he grabbed his phone and let a soft piano piece play in the background. Then, he excused himself and left the room. I took the chance to look around some more, and noticed how empty it was compared to weeks before. The pictures on the drawer were gone and Woohyun had took down the posters on the wall. For a second, I panicked.

Woohyun is gone. He is going to leave for real. He is leaving me behind. We aren't going to be together anymore.

But then he came through the door with a cake and sang happy birthday, and tears started coming. Just like that.

Woohyun noticed that of course and stopped mid-sentence in the song. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I quickly wiped the stupid tears away. “Carry on what you were doing.”

He sat down next to me, placing the plate with the cake on top of his lap. “Happy Birthday, Anjell.” 

Then he kissed me on my lips. Quick and short. But just as sweet.

“Thank you,” I said, looking down at the cake. It was heart-shaped and probably chocolate, judging on the color. Then I remembered. “Oh, !”

“What? What’s wrong? You haven’t even tried it yet. It’s not that bad. I tried it. It’s actually good.”

“No, it’s my mom. She baked me a vanilla cake today and I forgot to bring it.”

He laughed. “Oh. Well, you can eat it later. Try mine first!”

“There’s not a ring or an equivalent cheesy thing hidden inside, right?” I asked as Woohyun gave me a plastic knife that he had been holding under the plate. “Right?”

His response: a roll of his eyes.

“Whatever," I said. "My answer is no anyways.”

He faked a hurt look. “Really? If I asked you right now to marry me, you would say no?”

I considered it for a moment. Imagining Woohyun with me in the future. As husband and wife. With children. It was a ridiculous thought. However warm it weirdly made me feel. “If you asked me now, I would definitely say no. Ask me in the future.”

“I will.”

That wasn't a real promise, I knew that, but it sure did feel like a promise of some kind.

“I talked to my parents about moving and stuff,” began Woohyun, watching me as I shoved a small piece of cake into my mouth. There really wasn’t any surprise hidden inside the deliciousness. Which was weird for someone like him. Not to include a cheesy note or something. Or maybe he was purposely making me anticipate the wrong surprises. “My mom wants me to stay. That’s what she said. She says she doesn’t want me to ‘follow her around’. Her exact words. But I’m sure I saw a sliver of disappointment in her eyes when I said I’m gonna stay with you then.”

“Your mom loves you a lot. She’d be lonely without you.”

“Do you want me to go?”

I put a piece of cake into Woohyun’s mouth. “That’s the wrong question.” He watched me intently, as if watching my expression carefully enough could detect the lie. “I don’t want you to go. Should you go though? Hell, yeah.”

“But then we won’t be seeing each other as often anymore. I don’t even know when I would be able to visit you. I’d be really busy over there. Beginning a new life and all.”

“No one said you should begin a new life there,” I said, half joking, half meaning it. “But I’m sure you’ll find the time and way for me.”

“Hell, yeah, I would!”

“So don’t worry about me.”

“I always worry about you. After my mom, you’re the woman I worry about the most.”

“Okay.”

“Enough with the sad talk. On to the best part!” said Woohyun, recovering. “Or second-best. Depending on how you see it and how far you let me." 

“I thought the awful taste of the cake was the surprise,” I joked.

“Hey, it wasn’t that bad,” he protested, and I laughed. “Just close your eyes, goddamnit.”

I did. For a few seconds too long that I wondered whether Woohyun was pulling my leg or something. But then I felt his hand opening mine and placing something heavy onto my palm. I opened my eyes.

It was a telescope. 

No, more like telescope glasses.

Like two small telescopes sitting on your eyes. Without you needing to hold it.

“Woohyun,” I breathed out.

“So we can stargaze together. Even when we’re apart. And because you’re the lazier one between us.”

“Shut up!” I fake-punched him in the arm, then took a closer look at the glasses. They seemed antique. Steampunk-ish. A black frame where it would comfortably sit on the nose bridge and golden telescopes for the eyes. “It must have cost a million,” I mumbled.

“Let’s not discuss that. Just enjoy the moment.”

“Okay, but just know that from this day on I’m saving money for your car.”

He kissed me in mid-laughter. But before he could pull away, because he only intended it to be a peck, I stopped him, pressing my lips back to his. He mumbled something. And then he was suddenly all hands. Just like that. Like, with a snap of a finger. He gently took the telescope glasses from my lap and also the plate of unfinished cake and put it on the floor. With slow hand movements, he pulled down my cardigan from my shoulders and kissed me there, squeezing my arm. I exhaled. The soft hair over his forehead tickled my exposed skin. As a reaction, I grabbed his arm. There was a pressure below. Woohyun took off my cardigan without me really registering the process, then laid me down on his bed. I looked into his eyes. He was staring at my lips.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded, pulling him down to me. He pressed his mouth onto mine, and moulded them together, as if my lips were sore shoulders that needed a massage. His hand travelled down my body and lifted my top slightly around my waist. His palm was very warm and felt just right on my skin. Slowly, with a precision I associated with handcrafts, he pushed his hand further into my top before taking it off completely.

“Should I stop?”

I shook my head, albeit with a little hesitation. Then, remembering something really important, I mumbled, “I don’t take pills.”

“Don’t worry about that. It’s not my first time.”

“Oh.”

“I mean,” he said, avoiding my gaze. “I mean, look, this…”

I interrupted him. “It’s okay. I expected that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Is it your first time?”

“Yeah.”

“You can trust me.”

“I do.”

He nodded, then kissed me again.

And it was so scary. It was beyond any words. This was real. Woohyun was real, and these feelings were real. The desire was real.

We were real.

And here we were. He and I, here we were. In his childhood bedroom. On top of cartoon beddings. Me in a colored bra and black jeans. Him in full clothes. Here we were, young and foolish, figuring out who we were and who we wanted to be. Figuring out which role the other person was going to play in our lives, in the future. Figuring out the what-ifs, the right nows and the will-bes. Here we were, Woohyun and Anjell, a real boy and a real girl, with raw feelings, unpolished, making promises to each other.

Only ㅡ the promises we made back then don’t belong to me anymore. They hold no validity, no truth or reality to me now. They are the what-ifs. They belong to our eighteen-year-old selves. To the past that we didn’t bury together. We didn’t do a lot of stuff together. After he left. 

But if you replay the past long enough, if you let the loop continue without pausing and stopping, without looking in front, then it might as well seem like the promises still belong to you. 

☆

I met Sunggyu a few days later. We were sitting at a cafe in the mall I worked, sipping our drinks and sharing a piece of cake (as a belated birthday gift). When I first saw him entering the cafe, I was surprised. He had a middle parting now. One that slightly leaned towards the right side. Okay, maybe it wasn’t a middle parting per se, but it looked different on him. The hairstyle. That fluffy fringe. It looked extremely mature and suited him quite nicely. You were able to see his straight brows, and I always found them to be quite charming on his face.

“You look prettier,” he said to me when we both sat down.

“Are you flirting with me?” I joked.

“And you’re wittier,” added Sunggyu with a smile. “Must be Woohyun’s influence.” Then, as if a ghost had past his face, he asked, “You’re still together, right? Or else I just made it really awkward between us.”

I laughed. “We’re still together.”

“Good. I think it’s showing.” He leaned back in his seat and watched me. “Took you guys a long time to find out what you’ve two held for each other.”

“If he were here, he would say he knew it from the very beginning. And then blame me for being the oblivious one.”

“Can’t disagree with that boy. I’m pretty sure you didn't even know that Myungsoo had a thing for Bomi.”

I gaped. “What!?”

“Yeah, they’re dating now.”

“What!?”

“And Soyou, you won’t believe it, she’s signed with a label now.”

“As what?”

“Modeling, I think. Didn’t ask, really.”

I shook my head, amused. “How did you find out? Are you still in touch with Myungsoo?”

“I still have his number and stuff, but we don’t text each other,” explained Sunggyu. “I just happened to come across his girlfriend one day when I brought the house keys to my sister. And Bomi asked me about you and Woohyun, so I asked her about her life after high school and then she told me everything.” He broke a piece off the cake with his fork. “No idea how she knows that thing about Soyou though.”

“Crazy what happens after high school,” I remarked.

“Oh, and Mr. Jang married last month.”

“To the Korean-American woman?”

“Yeah. So what’s new in your life?”

I considered his question, wondering what was something Sunggyu didn’t know about me yet. “I work at Liebling.”

“I know that already. My sister is the manager.”

“And Woohyun is moving to Seoul.”

There was a pause in our conversation, as if someone had just pressed the stop button. Sunggyu observed me carefully, searching my eyes. “Wow… That’s a turn of events.”

“It’s okay. We’ll be keeping in touch.”

“I hope so. I would hate to see you guys breaking apart.”

I smiled slightly. And Sunggyu was gazing at me with such compassion, with such kindness and bravery and modesty, that...

That the truth just started pouring out of me: “I don’t really want him to go.”

“Of course.”

“I’m not confident enough that this relationship can work out the distance between us. When he’s with me, I’m certain. But when he’s not with me, I start to doubt this all is going to work.”

“If you want it strong enough,” said Sunggyu, leaning forward, “I’m sure, you can make it happen.”

I continued, “I don’t want to regret him. I don’t even need his love when he later decides he's sick of me. I just need to know that he’ll still be my friend.” Tears  started pricking my eyes and I knew it was going to scare Sunggyu, to see me crying, so I pinched the skin between my thumb and index finger. “Sorry to bother you with this,” I said, chuckling now. “We haven’t seen each other for so long and all I talk about are my insecurities.”

There was just something about Sunggyu that broke down the walls around me. Or maybe I had been holding back so much for so long that I just needed the first trustworthy person coming my way in order to break down. Maybe Sunggyu’s kind eyes reminded me a bit of my father, and I loved my parents. Both of them. Even if they were divorcing.

Or maybe…

Maybe I was still that manipulative girl from back then, just somewhere hidden beneath the layers of disguise and lies, and she’s restless she’s going mad she’s crazy because she knows she can’t manipulate Woohyun she knows she can’t force him to stay with her she knows it’s not okay even if she herself won’t be okay so she finds the next person ready to fall into her trap and she pretends she doesn’t want to bother this person with her fears and insecurities but in reality she just wants someone to listen and pat her head and understand

she just wants a constant in her life.

Screw changes!

I looked back at Sunggyu, hoping he didn’t see through me, ready to apologize for my embarrassing behavior, when he took both my hands, gazing at me with those kind eyes of his. “I’ll tell you something that my mother said to Jieun when she had her first horrible break-up and to me when I got rejected by my favorite university.

“An apple might fall off a tree, or it might not. It might rain money, or it might not. Your significant other might break up with you, or they might not. Your favorite university might reject you, or they might not. In an alternate universe, all apples are falling off the trees and it’s raining money everyday. But your alternate self wishes apples don’t fall from trees and it’s not raining money. They wish their significant other is breaking up with them so they don’t have to do it themselves. Maybe your alternate self doesn’t even want to go to uni. But they are stuck in their universe and its decisions, and you are stuck in yours. They are your what-ifs, and you are theirs. That’s all there is to it. We are our decisions and the decisions of the people we allow in our lives.”