PART NINETEEN: Closed Doors

The days were quick to pass.

When the New Year was done and the decorations were put down, time seemed to have forwarded faster than he had hoped. The first month of the year was running like a horse in the fields. Sungmin did not notice that he was back on his tutoring sessions and court practices a week later.

The tutors and trainers had knocked on his doors and piled him up with books to read. Sunyoung was supervising most of the time but he imposed nothing. Sungmin felt the pressure as his father eyed him in every lesson. He was a fast learner, and he tried his best, but studying shouldn’t be like this. It felt rush and all he wanted was to enjoy the novels given to him.

There were various books on politics and history and Sungmin was even scheduled to study language. The Odyssey had been left inside his drawers for his teachers had deemed language and maths more important. He missed the story and he had not moved on to the last adventure the protagonist was in. He still would want to know if Odysseus had found his way home. Unfortunately, his academe had interfered.

When the etiquette training commenced, Sungmin dismissed the teacher as soon as he entered the room. Sunyoung questioned him and even scolded him but he reasoned well. He did not want people directing him on how to act. It was, as he deemed, ridiculous for the revelation would've been useless if he can't be himself. After hours of begging, thankfully, Sunyoung granted his request.

Aside from his schooling, no fuss came. Sungmin had always half-expected for officers or men of court arriving in their home to protest about what had occurred but there seemed to be none. Kyuhyun did not visit him or any of the Cho's. There was no big news or arising issues and Sungmin supposed that everything was well in the villa. The messenger only brought court news and none of petty household causeries. It was good and silent for the time being.

Unfortunately, the visage of Kyuhyun's back on him, the sad smile the young master had shown when he left kept on returning. They were all haunting him and despite the responsibilities, Sungmin could not void himself of the thoughts.

"This coming Monday," Sunyoung announced over breakfast. Sungmin looked at the man. "I would want you to be with Hyori in court."

His eyes widened in surprise. Being in court would mean that the Lee family would pronounce to everyone that he would be the Lee's heir. Most court officials haven't known him and this would have been a shock to many. Hyori is set to be a high court lady and having another Lee in the throng would be a surprise to them all.

"You will tell them that you have been overseas, studying. It would be nice if you get introduced soon."

Hyori leaned closer, her voice controlled. "Father... do you think Sungmin is ready?”

"I don't think why he wouldn't be."

Sungmin never got to answer. It was as predicted. Hyori was a woman, she couldn't carry on their name, and it would only be Sungmin's responsibilities. This was why he was being trained. This was the reason Sunyoung had been forcing the academe on him. Sungmin gulped his goblet of wine. The responsibilities are starting to surface and he wasn’t even prepared. Soon enough they would ask him to wed and have children for the family name.

He could not even start thinking about being with another. He could still feel Kyuhyun close to him. He could still feel their bodies connected and he could still taste the young master with every breath he takes. Kyuhyun and him made love, they transcended something that the body dictates and it was enough for him to justify everything they have.

What he wanted was a little bit of space and time. Something akin to enjoyment and bliss. He wanted days off as a lord as what he had with Kyuhyun during his birthday. It was short but it was enough. Sungmin would give anything to have it once again.

He couldn't bear the responsibilities. Kyuhyun had been a young lord all his life and he wasn't in favour for most of the duties assigned to him. Sungmin had been only a young lord for a month or so, what more could they expect of him?

"Just avoid petty conversations." Sunyoung shook him out of his thoughts.

Nodding, he excused himself from the dining hall. He did not have a place to argue. They were preparing him anyway for this kind of life. He knew it was ought to happen. As he opened the door to library, something clicked at the back of his head. If Sunyoung was introducing him to the court, does that mean he wouldn't be leaving?

A small smile formed on his face and hope swelled inside his chest. Dashing back to the dining area where his father and sister were still conversing, he spoke:

"Am I staying?” They both turned to him, surprised. "Am I staying here to be a court lord?"

There was a sigh and he couldn't figure if it was good or bad. Sunyoung looked at him. "For the mean time, yes. You would continue your studies here until spring."

"And we'll see."

Sungmon nodded. There was time and it was what he needed for now. Time.

*

Ryeowook could sing. Sungmin had heard his usher humming every now and then and the melody was really beautiful. He hadn't been in any music class but Ryeowook's tune was so good it was hard to miss. Sunyoung had told him that he should learn piano soon.

He had never tried to sing though. He heard melodies and had swayed along with them but he never allowed music to befall his throat. It was something only nobles do.

But wasn't Sungmin a nobleman now?

"You would be on the court tomorrow, mi lord?"

He nodded as his usher fixed his room. "I would be. Hopefully, Kyuhyun would be there. I haven't seen him since the first day of the year." He was hoping to speak to the young lord. The gut feeling inside him was still there but if he could tell Kyuhyun about his conversation with Sunyoung then maybe, they could still find a way.

There was a halt in his usher’s movement and it was enough to tell Sungmin that something was up. Biting his lip, he straightened from his bed and looked at the lad.

“Ryeowook?” He called and the younger smiled at him, a fake one. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, young master.”

Sungmin had done the same thing before. Every time there are causeries around, it would come to the servants’ knowledge first. And sometimes, they would try to hide what they know to their masters. Ryeowook was avoiding his eyes, speeding up his preparations to be able to leave the room.

“Ryeowook.” He called once again, voice firm and with authority. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

There was a spark of hesitation in his eyes and Sungmin felt his chest constrict. He feared for this and even without the proper words he knew that his instincts were correct.

“Please?” He finally asked voice meek. “I want to know.

Ryeowook stopped whatever he was doing and moved towards him. “Master Sungmin... I just heard this over the scullery. It seemed to be a talk in the marketplace but I wasn’t certain so I never opened it up.”

Sungmin did not realise he was clutching his sheets too tight as he waited for his usher to continue. It was getting harder to breathe with every moment passing. He bit his lip to avoid talking, he was unsure of what words he could say as every tick of the clock killed him slowly and painfully.

“Master Cho would be leaving the country.”

No.

“Lady Choi Sooyoung had ordered Master Kyuhyun to leave the country after the disgrace he had done towards her.” Ryeowook explained. “I don’t know what but it seemed that the engagement was withdrawn and there would be no marriage. But since the Choi’s have a higher position in court than the Cho’s, the scullery maid from their villa said that Master Kyuhyun promised to submit to whatever she demanded to make up for his actions.”

Sungmin could hear no more. So Kyuhyun did it. He knew that Sooyoung would not allow this to pass as easy as walking away. No. She was a lady of court and they hold higher esteem than the Cho’s. She would demand something and it seemed she wanted Kyuhyun’s shame. A slap for a slap. Kyuhyun did not lie but he did not tell him the entire truth as well.

It explained the sad stares Kyuhyun had thrown towards him. And with Sungmin staying, there was no way for them to be together. Not at the present.

*

Sungmin was running. 

He did not care if Ryeowook was chasing after him or if the guards of their mansion had alerted his father. He was running away from their place and towards the Cho Villa. 

It was cold, the wind was slapping his face and slicing through his skin. There was but one coat on him but he ignored it. He ignored it all.

Ryeowook told him that he was uncertain when Kyuhyun was scheduled to leave but there had been two cruises that left since New Year. Sungmin couldn’t take the risk, he did not want to take on a wild guess. It better be now to find out.

He had memorised the path and soon enough, he was at the gates of the Villa. There were guards outside and he knew his presence would not be welcomed. Supper time is over so most of the masters are preparing for slumber. Sungmin knew this too well and no audience would be welcomed anymore. Plus, he did not think that Lady Cho would be happy to see him after everything.

Lucky for him, he had spent years sneaking out of the gates whenever Sunny and he would get out late or whenever he would go bask under the moonlight in a pair of trousers. He knew that the back doors were left open for servants and the path towards the maze to the Eastern halls was open.  The maze where Kyuhyun had pulled him for a kiss. It seemed so long ago already, like years had passed since he had met the young master. 

His mind ran through those times. Who knew he would fall for it? Who knew that the simple flirts would turn into something deeper? Something more meaningful? 

The back gates were unguarded and Sungmin pushed the metals to let himself in. It was the servants’ quarters that welcomed him and it hit him that he hadn’t been to the place for weeks now. He smiled as he entered the familiar corridors. He shook his head and pushed his way through the scullery where he had had his first conversation with Kyuhyun. 

His return to the darkened place was building up nostalgia. It was becoming more painful.

“Hello?”

He turned to the familiar voice that echoed as soon as the resting area's door was closed. He sighed in relief.

“Donghae.” he murmured quietly.

The lamp shone on his face and he squinted his eyes. He did not expect to meet the usher, no, he did not expect to meet anyone else. He just wanted to see Kyuhyun and talk to him. He wanted to know the truth from the young master’s mouth, not from anyone else.

“Who’s there?” Donghae voice grew louder and Sungmin made a move forward to show his face. Biting his lips, he forced a smile. Hopefully, it would be enough.

Straightening his stance, he finally spoke: “Donghae, it’s me.” He moved closer and closer and he saw it. He saw the shock in the butler’s eyes. He saw the disappointment, the frustration, and everything in between them as he silently wished that his friend would halt the judging stare.

“Hae...”

“Sungmin?” He clarified as if disbelieving everything. Sungmin nodded. “Oh, god it’s true.”

Donghae did not move though, he did not flinch even when he tried to reach out for him. Sungmin wanted to apologise, he wanted to tell h is friend that he did not mean to lie and keep his life a secret. There was a long pause. It was as if time stopped for them. He opened his mouth, forcing words to come out but naught. He wanted to explain everything but he wasn’t given the chance. The young butler had pulled him close, enveloping him into an embrace.

It was then he felt the numbness of his skin. The coldness of the wind had pierced through and Sungmin almost melted into the touch.

“I am so glad you are safe.” Donghae spoke to his ear. “I heard what Lady Sooyoung had done to you way, way back and I really wanted to see you. Everyone does.”

Sungmin’s eyes widened in realisation.

They care for him. They are worried.

“Min,” Donghae finally pushed back. “You’re... different.”

“I know. Forgive me. It wasn’t my intention to lie or hide it. Some of you must’ve been frustrated about me but...” The butler stopped him with a shake of his head. Donghae was holding a soft smile before speaking something close to ‘its fine. We’re not angry anymore.’ And Sungmin had to stop himself from crying. Sunhee saved him. She related the story to everyone and told them not to feel bad about it. Donghae admitted he had sulked but he knew that there was no point in it. Sungmin was still his friend and he cared for him. He cares for him still and he understood that when word of Lady Sooyoung’s accusation towards Sungmin surfaced quickly.

“Thank you.” He finally said.

Donghae nodded and took his arm to lead him to the corridors. The scullery was still the same. The scent of pot roast and baked bread permeated along its wooden walls and everything was still tucked out clean. Sunny and Yuri hated the mess every time they prepared the meals. They make sure that everything had been fixed before retiring for the night and Sungmin would volunteer to help.

A smile crept upon his face as he reminisced. It was simpler before, everything was calm and fun at the same time. Whenever he would forget what he really was, life has been easy.

“I assume you’re here to visit the young master?” Donghae’s voice echoed softly. He let out a sad sigh but he was still smiling. “It was not just because you were a man. It was because... you like him.”

The courtship that was denied multiple times finally dawned upon the young usher and regret filled Sungmin’s chest. He should’ve told them. He shouldn’t have feared the truth. It was unfair for all of them.

“I’m sorry.” He said and Donghae shook his head.

“No. Don’t apologise. We understand it; all of them are okay with it. Sunkyu still wouldn’t believe it, but trust me; she’ll get over it soon.”

*

He was lead to the Eastern halls. The house was still the same and Sungmin wished he could’ve just stayed there with them. He liked the Eastern house more than the main halls.

Lady Ahra would be giving birth soon, a ray of sunshine would wipe away the cloud that covered the place. Sungmin hoped that everything would be well by then. He didn’t like the lady’s child to be born under a home full of anger and despair. It was unfair for the little one.

“Master Kyuhyun is staying here for the mean time.” Donghae spoke when they finally reached the resting chambers. “Lady Ahra and Siwon are back in the main house, it’s only him in here.” Sungmin’s eyes widened. The Cho’s had secluded Kyuhyun.

 
“His room is the one at the farthest corner. Sungmin...” Donghae cleared his throat. “He is to leave soon.”

Sungmin nodded; his chest suddenly welling in pain as he took the steps closer to the door. Thoughts ran through his head as the eternity-like walk pulled him deeper and deeper. He wanted to scream and run and bang onto Kyuhyun’s room. He wanted to shout at the young master and force him out and pull him into an embrace and never let him go.

At the same time, he feared what Kyuhyun would say. The young master seemed to have planned it all – even him leaving. And Sungmin was frightened how Kyuhyun would relate everything to him. What if he kicks him out? Hurt him to make the separation easier?

He stopped.

The wooden door was inches away from him. He couldn’t raise his hand; he couldn’t give even a soft knock. What should he do? What should he say? The minutes ticked, and his heart continued to pump inside his chest. It was getting painful with every second but Sungmin couldn’t figure of what he should do.

Moments passed. He stood there not knowing what to do; until he heard a shuffle from inside the room. His heart stopped.

The knob turned slowly.

“Kyuhyun?” He murmured and the movement stopped. The door handle returned to its original position but it did not open. “Kyuhyun?” he called once again.

“Sungmin.”

It was him. God, it was Kyuhyun’s voice. He grabbed the knob and tried to push it open. The door was locked.

“Kyuhyun, open the door.” He said quietly. “Talk to me, please.”

“How did you know?”

They weren’t conversing on the opposite sides of a door, were they? He frowned and hit the wood with his palm. “Causeries. Servants love to do that, please, open this and we’ll talk.”

Sungmin hated how his voice was shaking. He did not have to show he was weak. He wanted to be strong, not only for Kyuhyun but for himself as well. It would be unfair if he kept on clinging on his fear. It would be useless.

“Sungmin, please. Just go.”

He expected this. He knew it would happen and he feared it. “No. I’m not leaving until you open this door.”

The heard the wood thumped softly and he tapped his hands onto it. “Please, Kyuhyun. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I cannot see you, Sungmin.” Kyuhyun spoke from behind the door. “If I allow myself to see even a glimpse of you, I might not be able to hold back.”

“You can’t do this!” Sungmin’s voice was louder now. He was getting angry and frustrated with all the mind games. “It would be so petty. You come to me, tell me you love me, give me hopes of running away, make love to me, and then... send me away.” His voice faltered as he ended the statement. Sungmin allowed his form to slump on the floor as he cried for Kyuhyun. He hated the fact that they have to be like this. He thought that everything would be fine.

He started knocking, hitting the wooden door hard as he could.

“You can’t do this to me.” He demanded. “You can’t run away. At least take me with you.”

“I can’t.” was the answer that came out. Sungmin’s chest constricted. Everything was becoming too painful for him and he refuse to understand whatever Kyuhyun is trying to point out.

It was so easy for Kyuhyun to say that they could run away, that they would be together. Kyuhyun had taught him to live and to find something else in life. He told Sungmin that no one could dictate to him whatever he should do. And now, he was acting as if he got no choice. He banged on the door, louder this time and he did not care if there would be disturbing anyone. No, Sungmin would not leave like this.

“Sungmin, don’t make this hard for both of us. It’ll be easier this way.” Kyuhyun spoke once again. His voice was muffled from behind the room and Sungmin hated how much the door was in their way. “I did not want to leave you hanging, it was the reason I brought you to the orchard. I want us to be together even for the last time.”

“Shut up! There would be no last time, Kyuhyun. You can’t do this to me. You told me that no one in this life is in control of how you live but yourself. You told me that risks are better than safety. You told me those and you said that you prefer me more than anything, then why is Sooyoung’s threat stopping you?”

There was no answer, no movement from the opposite room.

The knob moved. He heard the lock click and soon, the door opened. It was just a small gap, half of Kyuhyun’s body was still blocked. Sungmin looked up, waiting for the young master to move, to touch him, to push him away, anything. His eyes were swollen, he had been crying and he did not even notice.

“Sungmin, please.”

Finally, the door was pulled open and Kyuhyun’s dishevelled form faced him. The room was lighted by a fire but even through the shadows, Sungmin saw the master’s dread face. Kyuhyun did not have the confident stance; he was not smirking or anything. His face was exhausted.

"Kyuhyun." He forced himself to stand up and push the door wider. He did not care if he was mad at Kyuhyun earlier, or if he shouted at him. He moved towards the young master and enveloped him in an embrace. Arms around the other's neck, he pushed Kyuhyun's head onto the curve of his shoulder, the young master was sniffing, there were tears in his eyes. It was the first time Sungmin saw him like this and he wondered why.

"You have to tell me." Sungmin said. "Please, Kyuhyun. At least give the truth, even if you insist that we don't have a hold on this."

Kyuhyun pulled back a little and looked at him. His cheek had the dried tear tracks on them but he gave him a smile. Cupping his chin, Kyuhyun forced him to raise his head, angling it for a kiss. It was chaste, beautiful as far as he could remember. Kyuhyun's kisses had always brought out butterflies fluttering in his tummy.

It became fiercer and he clung onto Kyuhyun's nape. He wanted to be with him, closer than ever. Their situation was painful and they both knew how to manage. It did not matter to Sungmin now that Kyuhyun was leaving, he could do something, follow him perhaps, but he wanted to know the reason why.

He wanted Kyuhyun to tell him the truth of what is going on because the young master deprived him of it. He did not want to be left in the dark.

When the kiss ended, Kyuhyun pulled his head back a little that their noses were still touching.

It surprised him that he did not notice the taste of the tobacco earlier in their connected mouths. He closed his eyes and inhaled the scent from Kyuhyun’s mouth.

"Sungmin, I'm sorry." Kyuhyun said. "If I would not leave this place, you would be labelled a persona non grata in the country. The Choi's learned what I did to Sooyoung and they were not pleased. They want me out. It's me... or you."

"Then why can't I come with you?"

The other smiled. "Because I'm not a lord anymore."

Kyuhyun has been disowned. He had caused the fall of his family and his parents would have to disown him. They would not have an heir that's why they took Ahra in, Ahra is the safest escape since she is pregnant and another Cho is to be born. Siwon is a learned man now; they have nothing to fear for him. As for Kyuhyun, he is but nobody.

Sungmin's grip on the master's shoulder tightened. The situation has turned. He was the young master now, and Kyuhyun was not. They allowed him to stay until he leaves for the West. With him gone, the Cho's name is on the clean slate and Ahra and Siwon could reclaim everything for them. Sooyoung's father is high at court and only until Kyuhyun is gone would he accept Siwon inside. Younsaeng would still hold his position until he decided to retire.

"She's gonna ruin you." Sungmin murmured, angry at how Sooyoung was taking this. She was not supposed to be in the picture. It was just supposed to be between them and the Cho's. Her only role was just Kyuhyun’s fiancée and she could not handle the embarrassment that's why she chose to ruin Kyuhyun's life.

"Why you? Why not me?"

"Because you never did anything to her. You lied, yes, but it was my name which tarnished her. The police officers are still talking about how I had slapped her and how low she had gone after being lied upon. She was not taking it so calm."

Sungmin bit his lip, frustrated. "And you kept this, why?" He questioned. The problem was so simple, Kyuhyun had no choice, and Sungmin never had one ever since he was sent to the Cho's.

Kyuhyun pulled him into an embrace. He could not understand his movements. He wouldn’t understand what it is he wants. "I don't want you to think about it. I just want you to move on and forget about me and think that I abandoned you." The voice was almost a whisper. "It would be better that way but I guess... even your voice could make me turn my back from my plans.”

"I still don't understand."

"Sunyoung and Hyori would be part of the court hearings and they are nominated to be members of the higher chambers this spring. There are still negotiations after the war, and they needed more noblemen for power. You are their heir."

Sungmin’s family would be given a position in higher court.

"I don't want to be the heir. Take me with you!"

"Sungmin."

"Please." 

Kyuhyun took his hand and squeezed it hard. It was funny how things have turned and how Sungmin was the one acting bold. Kyuhyun had lost confidence; perhaps the title really was something.

Even if he was not very fond of it, it had been his life. And starting from scratch is something Kyuhyun was not used to. Sungmin would want to be there for him. He wanted Kyuhyun to understand that he would be there for him whatever happens.

There was a smile and a flicker of hope sparked in Sungmin's chest.

Kyuhyun pulled him into an embrace once more, and for the first time since that night, he felt warm. 

*

“Sungmin.”

He dreaded that voice. He did not want Sunyoung anywhere close to them. Not now that he was with Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun pulled away from the embrace and stared at the man standing by the door. Donghae was behind him as well as two more ushers from the Lee Mansion.

“Master Kyuhyun, forgive my intrusion but I must reclaim Sungmin. It is late.”

Sungmin did not move. He did not bother that his arms were clinging onto Kyuhyun’s shoulders and that the young master’s palms were curved around his waist. He did not care even when Sunyoung moved closer.

“No.” He said. “I’m not going anywhere without Kyuhyun.”

“Sungmin, you cannot be with him. Lady Sooyoung’s family would ruin us all.”

He pulled away and looked at his father’s eyes. They knew. They knew all along the bargain and they decided to go along with Kyuhyun’s wish of leaving to reclaim their position in high court. The Cho’s disowned Kyuhyun for the peril he had placed on their family and Sunyoung agreed to this. Even if Kyuhyun was a mere victim of their foolishness.

He was disgusted. Sungmin felt betrayed. He knew he was mistaken when he chose them, when he chose the truth of his identity over the lies as a chambermaid.

“You knew.” He reiterated his thoughts. “You knew and you did not bother to tell me?”

“Sungmin.” Kyuhyun took him by the elbow.

“I’ll go with Kyuhyun.” He announced. “Sooyoung has no grudge against us being together. She just wants him out. I would go with him.”

“Sungmin.”

“I don’t care if I won’t be a lord, I don’t care about the court. It doesn’t make him less of a person.” He said firmly. “I’ll go with him and you can’t stop me.”

The silence was deafening. It seemed time had stopped. Sungmin waited and his father did not move until Kyuhyun spoke.

“Let him stay the night with me.” He asked. “We’ll talk about it.”

“And how would I be certain he would be back to us by dawn?”

“I would not promise anything.” Kyuhyun answered. “Everything is upon Sungmin and me. Please, leave us be. Donghae,” He turned to the usher. “Lead the master to a vacant room to rest.”

With Donghae’s nod, Kyuhyun pushed the door of his room close.

*

It was Donghae who welcomed him when his eyes opened for the morning. The bed was soft but it wasn't familiar. Eyes adjusting to the blinding light of the morn, he sat up, hands rubbing his lids as he scanned the room. The familiar warmth of Kyuhyun was nowhere to be felt and his vision adjusted.

"Donghae?" He yawned. He had the most wonderful sleep. They did not press the problem further. Instead, they cuddled on bed and talked about what they had always talked about before: adventures. When they grew tired of the stories, Kyuhyun gave him a smile and kissed him. He told him how much he loves him and how he wanted to be with him, if longer than forever then so be it.

Kyuhyun spooned him on the bed. He heard him hum on his crown and place chaste kisses on his nape. He felt Kyuhyun beside him, and he felt their bodies grew closer. He listened to his heartbeat until his eyes had closed and his mind shut for the night. Still, he felt the soft caresses of Kyuhyun's fingers against his skin.

"Sungmin."

He sat up, feet meeting the cold floor of Kyuhyun's room. He scanned the area, there was no trace of the young master.

"Where is Kyuhyun?"

The usher turned to him as he stood up, a sad smile painting his face. Sungmin knew that the other was studying his form, his male appearance. It would be the second time Donghae sees him like this, but this time, it was clearer.

"Forgive me.” Donghae straightened up and put out a smile that broke Sungmin’s heart. It was clear as day. Where was Kyuhyun?

No, he refused to believe.

Donghae moved closer as if affirming his thoughts. "He asked not to wake you."

To be continued...