Chapter Thirteen: Christmas or Not

He found a pair of trousers that he liked. They were soft and thick but very comfortable to the skin. They were black and tight and he found them perfect for the cold weather outside. As soon as the fabric touched his skin, he knew he would like this type of cloth. He made sure to remember this particular pair to relay to the tailor next time.

The fire cackled from the fireplace across his room. His usher had just left and changed the coals to keep them burning overnight. Snow was once again falling from the sky and the sounds of Christmas Carols echoed everywhere. It was the jolliest time of the year.

There was a choir presentation that evening at the house, but he had excused himself during dinner. He had reasoned that he was tired and could not acquaint himself with the crowd. Sunyoung was worried that he might be ill by Christmas and allowed him to retire early. He was thankful that there were too many lords to be entertained that his father dismissed the idea immediately. He was not in the mood for merriment as of yet.

He wondered where these people come from. He wondered how much of the rich take in the division of society. He knew a lot of poor people; he just did not expect the wealthy to be of almost equal.

Was there even such as the middle class?

Sungmin shook his head. He should not be thinking of other things aside from the fact that this night should be over. It was supposed to end. 

Everything.

He has to tell the truth to Kyuhyun. It was the only way to make things easier for both of them. The separation would be sad but it has to end.



The night crept deeper and everyone was preparing for midnight. When the bells chimed at eleven, he decided it was time to go.

Sunyoung was too preoccupied with the guests and the Christmas preparation. Everyone would be too drunk by midnight. Hyori would not have time to look for Sungmin either; her husband arrived at dinner and was introduced to everyone. The children were ecstatic by their father’s arrival too so Sungmin would just be a forgotten piece of the evening.

He had also clearly mentioned to his usher that he did not wish to be disturbed. Any celebration he would be missed can be compensated the next morning.

The odds were on his side so far... as of yet.

He patterned a white top and a black coat to his trousers. He made sure that the coat reached his knees and covered his arms fully. And then he patted his head with a beret. He liked berets because they suit him well and they’re soft on the head and warm at the same time. They were almost similar to the cleaning caps he would usually wear.

He stared at himself at the mirror, pouting at his reflection for a while. Same face, different clothes, same person, different appearance. He was frightened; he could feel his arms weaken and his knees shake. He could feel every bone of his body melting in the cold.

But there was no other choice. He has to do this.

Putting on his gloves, he walked out of his room silently. There was laughter in the main halls as he climbed down the back staircase. All servants were running from every room to the scullery to deliver hot meals and cold wine. He knew that feeling; he misses that feeling of urgency.

The head maid had just crossed the rear hallway when Sungmin turned to the door. If he was wearing a dress, it would be more difficult to hide.

He was able to move pass all the servants and finally excited at the back doors of the mansion. The laundry room was not being used at this time of the year and it was a mess. Sungmin had the urge to scrub the floors and wipe the walls to clean up but he had more important things to do now. And cleaning and scrubbing has been out of his line in this house.

He sighed as he finally exited the main house. He was smiling when he tucked his nape with the collar of his coat, padding quietly out of the unguarded garden.

The chauffeurs were having their own drink and smoke at the front yard and some ladies in waiting were flirting with them. Sungmin smiled. The simple lifestyle never failed to awe him.


*


Midnight Street was a bit far from the Lee Mansion. The place was near the centre of the city near the courts and government offices. It was a known residential area of middle class workers and pretty houses. These were the houses seen on books and paintings. They were lined up in a row, same style, different colours, different porches, and different people. They were not huge, but they weren't small either.

The last time Sungmin was here was when he lined up for the carnival. He had stood up amongst the queue of middle class townsmen to watch a parade, and wait for bouquets to land on his hand. It seemed ages ago, but it had just been months. He wanted another festival, he wanted to go.

When he finally turned to the road, his eyes lingered to the opposite road heading to the familiar Cho Villa, the place he had called home for almost ten years.

He smiled bitterly as he walked through the rows of houses along the said street. He could see the light from every window and hear every cheer from the people inside them. Everyone was happy and Sungmin wished he could be too.

When he reached number 44, he swore his stomach turned. He almost choked on his own breath and his sight was hazy. He was frightened of what could happen because he was not certain of what awaits him inside.

Different from the houses rowed on the street, this one was old and unused. It is bearably clean but it was dark. He could make out a flicker from the inside but apart from the sliver of light, nothing else. There were no music or jolly cheers coming from in it.

One step at a time, one step.

He wondered who owns it. He wondered how Kyuhyun found out about it and why he chose the place.

The second thought was rather obvious though.

His mind was too fazed to process a sensible reason. He swallowed a mouthful of air as he finally reached the top step and the door was inches away from him.

Was he to knock?

Was there someone even waiting for him?

Would Kyuhyun be there?

The questions ransacked his mind, making him more and more dizzy. He fisted his hands and allowed his gloved knuckles to touch the old wooden door.

No answer.

He nodded to himself and knocked the second time around, this time louder.

He waited, but there was no response. He suddenly thought that Kyuhyun might not have been true to his word and dumped him on the place. Someone might even be living, sleeping Christmas Eve over.

There was no movement from the inside and Sungmin took the liberty to test the knob and push the door open. It was his only choice. Take a risk or none at all.

To his surprise, it opened.

He stepped inside the home and somehow it reminded him of the pretty orchard house he grew up in so many years ago. It was old but spacey. He could still smell the varnished wood from the cold wintry air. The usual furniture were there but were dusty. Was it some random empty house? But it would be such a beautiful home when well kept.

The fireplace at the living room was the source of light and Sungmin had to scurry near it to get some warmth. He had practically slammed the door to get near the place and immediately pulled out his gloves. He sighed in relief as the heat enveloped him quick.

He stood for a while, almost forgetting the reason why he was there and he just smiled at himself. His chest melted with the heat as he raised his palms to face the light. The warmth was beautiful and the echoes from the outside soothed his panicked mind.

But the peace in him was short-lived.

"Hey."

And then he froze.

*

The shadows in the room swayed with the flickering fire. The cackling of the wood intervened from the melodies sung by the neighbouring homes. He tried to turn to the shadows projected on his left and was surprised that they overlapped darkness over the other. Sungmin was wearing a coat, and he did not bother to remove it. His silhouette appeared to be on a dress, and he did not know if he would be glad about it or not at all.

Kyuhyun's footsteps inched closer and he could not turn around. He stood there unmoving, his arms immediately around his belly as if protecting himself. He tightened his hold as he felt the young master’s body closing the spaces in between.

"Hey."

He tilted his head a little to the side. Kyuhyun's hands were on his shoulder, laying there lightly as he inched his head onto Sungmin's ear.

"How are you?"

And Sungmin took a deep sigh. It was the right moment.

He turned around, pushing Kyuhyun lightly, his hand resting on the other’s chest. The gap between them was enough to show himself to Kyuhyun, like he never did before. He pulled off his cap and straightened his coat and shirt. His bangs fall of his forehead but there were no tresses that touched his shoulder. He squared his shoulders and stood there, his hand twisting the gloves and cap in his palm.

His tutor had told him that confidence is the number one weapon against intimidation. It could make you look stronger, even if you're not. It could eliminate the fear that others can smell; you would look fine, even if you are not.

But it was so difficult to maintain because Sungmin was certain that one look in Kyuhyun's eyes and he'll lose it all. One look from him and everything falls apart.

Nevertheless, he raised his gaze and met the brown orbs he had always been familiar with.

Until this very moment, he had wondered how they reached this line. He wondered how things had fallen to this point because, in all honesty, he did not expect it to be like this. He did not plan for it to be complicated.

One time, he went with the flow, one time he gave in, and everything was lost.

He saw the shimmer of shock in Kyuhyun's eyes. He saw the twitch of his eyebrow and the half step he took backwards and he swore he felt his heart crush.

Kyuhyun stared at him, his stature hunched as he stared at Sungmin from head to toe and back. It was torturing him and once again, he did not expect it to hurt as much.

"What...?" Kyuhyun started but he stopped him. His hands were on Kyuhyun's chest, willing him to stop talking. He smiled sadly at him.

"This... This is me." His voice stuttered. "Kyuhyun... I, this, this is who I am." His voice was deeper, more melancholy than how he intend to. But Kyuhyun just looked at him.

There was no response and the silence from the young lord was like a dagger slicing through his chest with every tick of the clock. He waited, and the sting reached his eyes. He wanted to reach out to Kyuhyun but the young lord just took more steps backward.... away from him.

And then Sungmin felt it. He felt that lone tear slide down his cheek. He felt the drop reach the collar of his shirt. He felt the pain it bore.

His hands shook and he had to lock them onto his chest to stop them but to no avail.

He stared at Kyuhyun. He knew for a fact that if he diverted his gaze, more tears would follow and he was not prepared to show the other more of his pain. It was unfair.

"I'm sorry." He finally said. He might as well end it fast. "I did not have control of what I am ever since I was promised as a payment. And that was even before I was born."

Still no answer.

"Sometimes, I don't even know what I am any more. And I understand that you'll be angry at me for lying, but... it's just my gender I lied about. Everything else..."

The fire made a loud pop from behind him and the carols had died down from the distance. It was as if it was just Kyuhyun and him.

"... is true"

They stood there for god knows how long and neither moved. Sungmin had long forgotten the cold wrapping his legs and the chill on his nape. He just stood there waiting for Kyuhyun to speak.

But he didn't.

He smiled and finally willed himself to look away, to look ahead of Kyuhyun. The old mahogany door was closed behind the young master and Sungmin finally took his first step towards it.

The second one was easier and the third. He exhaled audibly as he walked pass Kyuhyun and finally reached for the door knob like a lifeline.

"Bye..." He croaked before turning the knob and pushing the door open.

The clock tower from the marketplace chimed and there were shouts everywhere. It was Christmas.

He smiled bitterly as he took another step and another.

And finally he was outside. He was finally standing on the snowed ground with his hands exposed to the cold. There was no warmth. The cheers from everywhere were naught. He did not care.

It was not Christmas in his heart.

He smiled bitterly before finally walking away. It was over. It is for the betterment of all of them.

*

The pain was too much. Sungmin did not know if it was the snow or his frozen tears that were staining the ground. He was sobbing noisily, his hands gripping his own gloves. Anything but the pain inside him.

He could hear the merriment. He could hear the happy greetings from everywhere and Sungmin wondered what he did to deserve such awful pain.

Each step away from Midnight Street was torture, like a boulder on his shoulder getting heavier and heavier each time around.

It must have been several minutes when he turned away from the rows of homes. He did not know his eyesight was hazy; the water from his eyes won’t stop. He willed them to stop but they just won’t. He was angry at himself for being weak. 

He stopped at an alley where he leaned, his knees weak from all the pain. The stabbing inside his chest was too painful. It won’t stop and he asked himself why it hurt so much.

Raising his head, he stared at the snowy sky. There were no stars, and the moon was hidden behind the clouds of winter.

He smiled bitterly, allowing his tears to flow. He wanted to run away and hide; he wanted everything to be over. He prepared himself for the worst, but it seems he was still unwary of the consequences.

Sungmin was not supposed to be hurting so much. Whatever he was feeling towards Kyuhyun was not something that crossed a very delicate line in his heart. He read about them; he knew about them and yet, his own mind could not comprehend the pain. Surely love has another meaning. Surely love is not about pain.

He remembered The Odyssey and how Kyuhyun told him that real life is about pain and struggle, that happy endings are achieved through hard work and lots of tears. The smiles and fulfilments are more worth it after the sweat and blood, after all the hurt.

Was Sungmin heading to his own happy ending?

Was the pain supposed to be like this?

He did not know.

The only thing that was clear to him was how he feels towards Kyuhyun. Because after all of these, he finally realised, his heart had crossed that line.

His body was starting to freeze and his insides were getting numb. He decided it was time to go. The bawling he did in the middle of an unknown street have somehow lightened his chest, a pinch of the pain was removed. Nevertheless, the heavy heart continued to throb inside him.

Dragging his feet, he walked back to the Lee Mansion where he was supposed to belong. In there, he would be accepted if he acted accordingly. Even with the rules, people would know who he is, and Sungmin would not need to run away. Maybe he really should stick to his family even if he was not fully glad to be with them. Maybe he'll get used to it soon. They, after all, took him back.


*


His bedroom was cold. His mattress was icy.

Sungmin did not sleep well that night. His eyes were sore and his skin was hot with fever. Sunyoung and Hyori would not be pleased with his condition but it has been done. He turned to his left and curled onto his stomach, tightening his arms around his shoulders as if they were giving in.

His body was shaking in fear, in frustration and sadness. The pain was getting too tiring. He couldn't wait for that time he would be numb of it.

The scurry from the hallways echoed in his room and it was a matter of time before his usher knocks on his door and announces his schedule. He could not remember the boy’s name. He was small and thin but he works well. Sungmin felt bad for him. He had been a difficult master.

The bells from outside rang moments later. It was Christmas morning and Sungmin would spend it sulking inside his room. And he knew he preferred it that way than pretend he was happy in front of others when clearly, he was not.

The knock he had been anticipating came after some more minutes. He did not move an inch and waited for his usher to come in.

Two more knocks and the boy announced his interruption in his room. He closed his eyes.

“Master Sungmin?”

Silence.

There was a light shake on his blanketed shoulder. “Young master? Breakfast would be served in an hour. Would you like me to prepare your clothes?”

He was feeling guiltier every second but he only moved a notch and pulled the blanket down to his nose.

The boy smiled at him. “Merry Christmas, young master.”

He faked a cough and grunted. “Not feeling well. Skipping breakfast.”

The small hand was immediately on his forehead and he could hear a soft squeal from the other as he finally realised Sungmin’s fever.

“Young master! You’re ill. I’ll inform the head butler that you won’t be able to go down. I’ll fix the heating in the room and bring you some soup and medicine. Please...” He bowed quickly before heading to the door, banging it a bit loudly that hurt Sungmin’s ears.

When would the pain stop?


Ryeowook, because he finally had the chance to ask his usher, had been assisting him all morning seeming worried for his health. The usher had mumbled pity and worry for him and the timing of his fever to hit on Christmas. The boy seemed so ecstatic about the holiday that he seemed disappointed that Sungmin had fallen ill on such a joyous day. Sungmin felt bad but he couldn't just blurt out to everyone that he snuck out of the snow last night and cried himself in a cold alleyway on his way home.

Sungmin was left alone to sleep close before noon. He had drowsed off and finally got a comfortable sleep for an hour than what he had the previous night.

His eyes were still swollen when Hyori entered his room. He was glad that he had covered his head up with his mantle.

“I know you’re awake.” She spoke. “It’s Christmas day, Sungmin and we have two important meals to attend to. This was supposed to be the day we introduce you to close business partners.”

He did not move.

“And you had to be sick? Donghwa was ecstatic to meet you. The kids are happy that you would spend this holiday with us. And you have to be sick.” The sigh of disappointment followed and Sungmin was becoming angry at her words. What was Hyori implying? “I hope you did not do this on your accord. Father would be...” That was it. She pulled on the thread.

Sungmin pushed his covers down and glared at her. He had the right to do it anyway. He was no servant any more.

“What are you saying?” He croaked. “I've been doing everything you asked me to. I left without notice and ran to you because I thought that family do what’s best. I followed every instruction, every command. Are you implying that I did this to myself?”

“No.” Hyori answered firmly. “But you were so unattached to everyone that I think you wanted this than having to speak to lords and ladies that are important in our businesses. Tell me that’s not it?”

Silence.

Hyori was correct in her assumption.

“This has nothing to do with Cho Kyuhyun, does it?”

Sungmin shook his head defensively, an action he had learned to do since last night. He avoided his sister’s gaze, wanting her to leave him alone. The fever was taking toll on his body already. He wanted to rest.

“It wouldn't work out. Not in this lifetime, Sungmin. Know that and everything would be easier.”

“You don’t have to worry.” He spoke, bitter. “It ended already.” And Sungmin turned to her and finally smiled sadly. “No more, Lady Hyori. I’m all yours.”

*


Christmas ran fast. It was dusk of the next day when Sungmin finally stepped out of his bed and gazed through his windows.

There was still burning wood inside his room and he could feel his temperature finally dropping. Sleeping for hours and hours did help but his eyes were heavy as night. He stared at the outside where their chauffeurs were having their leisure smoke. It was fun when life was simple, when he did not have to worry about other things than chores and his days of rest.

He smiled at the sight.

Ryeowook knocked on his room once again, bringing a tray of steak and potatoes for dinner. He mentioned that Sunyoung was not pleased that Sungmin had missed their supposed first Christmas dinner together. But he cared less. He used to eat a simple Christmas dinner of bread and cheap cheese and scrapes of ham. Sungmin survived years of not eating steak but was smiling all night. He wished it had been like that all this time.

The potatoes tasted bland and the steak was too greasy, or may be it was just his mood that turned such scrumptious meal to go to waste. He watched his usher arrange the logs on the stone fireplace. Ryeowook was not good with it. The pieces of wood were slipping against one another and Sungmin had the urge to help him with it.

But he didn't.

It took the young boy almost half an hour to set the fire blazing hot and he finally stood up, hair and face coaled in dirt.

He beamed at him. "Done." he announced. "Forgive me, my lord for taking too long. Now, your room is cosy warm."

Sungmin smiled. Ryeowook was too innocent and sweet. He envied him. "Thank you, Ryeowook. I'm good now. You may take these China. I would like to read for now."

"I'm glad you're feeling better, young master. I just feel bad that you weren't able to enjoy Christmas as you should. Maybe this New Year?"

Sungmin nodded and stood up. The familiar bind was lying on his bedside but he was uncertain if he would like to read it now. He smiled bitterly as his fingers traced the cover.

“Young master?”

“I’m okay, Ryeowook. You may leave now.”

He heard him shuffle a little and when Sungmin turned to look at him, he was twitching his lips in contemplation. A lot of people would usually do that when they are hiding something.

"What is it?"

The usher sighed in defeat, his eyes pleading. “A man called Kyuhyun caught up to me earlier today. I went to the market to get some flowers for the tables when he approached me.”

Sungmin’s heart stopped.

“Yes, sir. He asked me if you were fine but I was instructed not to speak of you to others not from the household so I just told him you were okay.” Ryeowook scratched the back of his head as if he was unsure of what he was to say. He waited for Sungmin to say something but the young master just nodded at him to continue. “He seems worried about you. Forgive my intrusion, but... was he a friend of yours from the household you came from?”

Sugmin nodded slowly and smiled. “It is far more complicated. But thank you, Ryeowook. I appreciate it.”

He waited for his usher to leave the room but he didn't. His hold on the tray tightened as he looked at Sungmin and looked away. He repeated the action thrice before he sighed once again.

“I did something bad, young master.” He spoke in a whisper, inching towards Sungmin’s bed. “Please do not kick me out. I've always wanted to become a head butler, please?”

That was the bomb. Ryeowook did something for Kyuhyun and Sungmin was certain of it. He was suddenly frightened as to what the kid has done.

“Ryeowook, what did you do?”

“I promised to let him in tonight and lead him to your room in exchange for winter carnival tickets, with free snacks and souvenirs.” He talked without pause but Sungmin got the message.

He wanted to laugh at Ryeowook and to shout at him at the same time. It was juvenile yet adorable and it was frustrating and frightening as well. He let out a shaky sigh and shook his head.

“Please do not fire me. I won’t let him if you want.”

“And he’ll haunt you for the rest of your life.” Sungmin finished for him. “No... it’s just...” What was he to say anyway? He was never the reprimanding type and Ryeowook did it for himself and not to corner Sungmin. The boy does not even know what was going on. He rubbed his temples and sat on mattress, suddenly feeling dizzy. “What time?”

“Huh?”

“What time did he say he was coming?” his voice rose a pitch and he felt guilty for his own anger. “Sorry...”

“Around midnight. When everyone has retired. Please, young master, I didn't..”

“It’s okay. Ryeowook. Just.... go.”

And the door closed behind him leaving him once again in sheer panic and pain.


*


The minutes ticked to hours and Sungmin paced onto his room not knowing what to do. Ryeowook would let Kyuhyun in. Why? Why would the young master go back when everything has finally ended?

Sungmin was not angry but what is was disappointment edging to anguish. It was becoming more and more painful. 

Why can’t Kyuhyun let him be?

It would be easier that way.

The clock rang at ten in the evening and the gates of the mansion were closed. Every lantern and candle had been blown off and there nothing was but the skylight and fireplaces illuminating the rooms. Sungmin sat very still on his bed, his heart thumping in every way imaginable.

Clutching his sheets, he forced his mind to calm down.

He reminisced of the peaceful orchard from years ago. The vines crawling the fences and the shrubs waving to the sun; he remembered the flower pots lining the brick road and the old trees shading the front porch of the house. It was so long ago.

He thought of the simple feast of cold ham and warm cabbage soup; the roasted turkey they would get when there was enough gold in his aunt’s pockets. He could still hear the cries of her son and how she sang the baby to sleep and how Sungmin would listen to her from his attic pretending she was singing to him too. He remembered her presence as his mother.

Sungmin fell asleep with her fading voice in his head. He fell asleep smiling despite the tears on his eyes.



When Sungmin opened his eyes, there was shuffling inside his room. Rubbing his lids he turned to cover himself. The fire cackled from the other end of the room and that was when he realised he was not alone.

He sat up in instinct and scanned his room. He was fully awake now.

“Ryeowook?” He called. And that was when it hit him.

The shadow that was formed on the walls was taller. The familiar bulk of head was different from his usher’s flat one. How long had Sungmin drowsed?

“How are you feeling?” Kyuhyun’s voice followed and Sungmin swore he heard his own chest jump. "I heard you were ill."

He opened his mouth to speak but a useless, “You’re not supposed to be here” followed and he immediately regretted it.

Kyuhyun’s form inched closer and closer until he was at the edge of the bed. Sungmin felt exposed. He was frightened of Kyuhyun. If only he could see the young master’s eyes. If only he could confirm the tenderness that once was there. But the lack of light had impeded him from seeing him and there was but darkness on his silhouetted face.

His voice was low but it was not unattached. Sungmin waited for him and Kyuhyun tilted his head.

He swallowed. He did not want any confrontation. Not inside his room. Not in a place where he did not have an escape.

“Sungmin... can...” There was the stutter in his voice and Sungmin figured that Kyuhyun was as nervous as he was in this setting. They were both uncertain and confused. 

Kyuhyun cleared his throat. He walked around the bed and onto Sungmin’s side. That was when the light shone upon his face and Sungmin saw it. He saw Kyuhyun’s eyes and they were glistening. Not with tears but the same shine he would usually hold, but there was insecurity in them too. He was familiar with that gaze and that was when his own eyes landed on Kyuhyun’s hand.

He was holding the book, clutching it with his fingers as if he never wanted to let go. Sungmin’s face softened.

Kyuhyun reached for Sungmin’s chin and pushed it to meet his gaze. Sungmin could not let go.

“We need to talk.”

And Sungmin lifted his lips a little and then he nodded. It might not be Christmas any more, but suddenly, the carols and bells rang at the back his head. That was when he smiled fully.


To be continued...

A/n: I can't believe this took me a month to write but yeah, I have to admit this was too difficult. I had a hard time expressing ideas and feelings through the words. I hope I did justice to this chapter. I'll try to update fast. Missed everyone else? We'll see them soon!  
Thank you so much awesome readers! I love you all! :)