CHAPTER TWELVE: Being &

The snip and snap of the metal scissors echoed in the room. The sound sent shivers along his back. He could feel his hands shaking, his mind running and his heart aching. It was funny how he was supposed to accept this kind of truth and be all right with it. But he can’t, because even the simplest thing of t his hair made him feel entirely bad.

It was a decision. It was not good, either way, and there are consequences.

Biting his lip he looked across the room and gazed at the lady smiling softly at him. She remained seated there, not leaving him alone and seeing if he was fine. He had always liked her smile.

She was once a symbol of elegance and beauty for him. He liked her; he idolised her. Unfortunately, he did not know what to believe of her any more. It frustrated him even if he did not know the reason why. His mind was running on lies and deceit and the temporary kindness she had shown towards him. She knew and yet, she did not speak of it.

But did she really?

Was she just being cautious and sure? Were there any more hidden plans behind her actions? And how were they taking this so calmly?

It was unfair. He was taking this too much and they are not much of a good help.

He sighed as the last strands of black kissed the cold floor and the woman behind him stopped moving. There was a sting on his eyes as he gaped at the blanket covering the white tiles.

They should not have been there.

His hair... those tresses he had taken care of. Those bundles that had been part of him has bid him goodbye. His hair was shortened, like his personality curtailed and amended. It was ridiculous but he felt incomplete. The air was blowing on his nape and he felt and yet, he was . He did not know himself any more.

"Done." the woman announced.

It took him the entire world to turn to the mirror she was holding, to see his reflection, his face.

Sungmin would be someone else. He would change for good. And he had no idea how and why but this was the decision he made. He sat up as the hair dresser brushed his shoulders clean and finally forced a smile to his sister

"Still pretty... might as well call you handsome now, right?" Her hands landed on his shoulders, a form of comfort and yet, he continued to feel scared. The connection was lost ever since the truth had been revealed.

Biting his lower lip, he nodded passively. Sungmin almost curtsied at them, he almost crossed his legs and fish out a skirt hem, but there was none. He was on trousers now, no more petticoats and lacy aprons, just shirts... There was apprehension in his action as he walked out with them to the halls.

Hyori’s hand was on his as they headed to the corridors. He had not noticed his hand tightening on his sister’s. He did not notice how much he was longing for assurance.

"Your wardrobe's next. But first, luncheon."

His head was spinning as they bid the hairdresser goodbye. The wooden panels closed and the ushers were immediately behind them, waiting for orders. Sungmin did not speak, he did not move. It was Hyori who instructed. She ordered them to serve lunch.

Sungmin did not order people.

He watched the servants line up at the dining area. They started bringing in the menu for the day. Sunyoung and Hyori sat confidently on opposite ends of the table and two children followed – Hyori's children, his nephew, and niece. They were elegantly clothed as well, manners evident.

Sungmin nodded at them as he took the seat designated for him. The clatter of utensils echoed as the luncheon began.

"After we had sorted your clothing, we're going to have you home-schooled as soon as possible." Sunyoung finally announced; his voice firm. The starters were being served as they conversed on Sungmin’s wardrobe and the tailor to be contacted.

When the topic of home-schooling came up, Sungmin was on his first main course and he was having a hard time swallowing the meat.

He was not prepared for an academe. He was not even enthralled about it anymore. He remembered the day he had always wanted to be in the academy but can’t. Now, he was just plain scared.

"He'll be going to school again, Grandfather?" The young girl inquired, wiping in the process. "Isn't school only for children?"

Hyori reached for her daughter’s hand and smiled. "Jia, school is for everyone who is willing to learn. Sungmin was not able to attend the academe before because of reasons but now, we're giving him the chance, okay?"

Jia nodded quietly and smiled at Sungmin

Sunyoung nodded, smiling at his granddaughter before turning once again to Sungmin. "We'll have a good tutor for you. You know how to read and write?"

Sungmin nodded, swallowing the water he was sipping from the expensive glass. "Basic"

"Good. That would be enough; anything else would have to follow. Arithmetic and the like are easy to learn."

"You'll be fine." Hyori added with a smile.

No. He would not be fine. Sungmin was frightened. He was frightened of this change he had chosen. But what choice did he have? He could not live a lie in the Cho villa any longer, especially with Kyuhyun there. He could not anymore lie to the people closest to him who, ironically, is not even his family.

The meal finished quick, as Hyori was insistent on having Sungmin try various clothes for his schooling. There were vests and coats and an insurmountable amount of polo shirts varying from colour to colour.

Sungmin was dizzy when the day ended, and they were not even halfway his attire. They still have to pick socks, shoes and hats and other accessories that would look best for his clothes. And they were still on winter clothes, none yet for spring, summer and autumn.

The tailor would be returning the day after to have him try some more.

Sungmin did not want that. Five sets had sufficed for him for winter and autumn and another three for summer and spring. And those include his cleaning clothes already. He was not a fashionable person. He had always wanted to be plain. Even with this status.


The routine continued for five working days and when Friday came, Sungmnin did not know if he had any more energy left. It was tiring, more exhausting than scrubbing floors and attending to masters and mistresses. He felt like he was on a pretence game once again, and ironically, it should have been his reality.

Were they expecting him to change so quickly? To adapt to a world he was only meant to serve? How can he turn on his own leaf overnight? How can he change from being a chambermaid to a young lord?

It was not just his status that was changing; it was everything that he is. And Sungmin expected they would be supportive, not as firm as they are.

Sungmin was scared. He might have said yes but he did not want it to be as fast as this. Even seasons transition over time, even the sun and moon exchange glances in the sky.

*

The young usher had left his room when he had decided to collapse on the bed he was getting used to. The dark linens and thick mattress should've offered comfort to his sore back but it only made things worse. He did not have any appointments for tomorrow, and he planned on staying inside his room, away from everyone in the mansion.

He wanted his piece of solitude. The huge abode of the house was proving more and more foreign to him. Jia and Jino were sweet and kind but they were mostly on study classes and trainings. Hyori was strict with her children when it comes to their academics and she was pretty much hands-on with their art and music lessons.

It was half past nine when he finally stood up and pulled out a pair of black trousers and white chemise. He was not yet used to dressing up as a man in public so he just put on a vest and a thick brown coat. He covered his short hair with a beret and finally put on a pair of black boots, covering his grey socks.

There was no snow outside but the night was freezing, and Christmas is just a week away. If it weren’t for the decorations and the carols that echoed around, he would have forgotten about the day. So much had happened since then.

He stared at the garlands around and the small ornament hanging on windows and atop the fireplace. He had always wanted a Christmas with his family. It seemed he would be getting it this time. Unfortunately, Sungmin was unsure if he was going to enjoy it.

He sighed before finally heading to door. Leaving the fireplace lighted, he stalked out of the corridors quietly.

Sneaking out has been his forte since forever. He could easily memorise turns around homes and kitchens that he could manoeuvre around in the dark. Sungmin was quite happy he had this kind of skill and a couple of minutes passed, he was out of the mansion gates. The guards never roam at the back of the area, people closer the countryside never really had the need to lock everything. No thieves.

As soon as he was out, the wind hit him on the face. Men’s clothes have lesser layer than women’s and Sungmin could already feel his fingers numb. Pocketing his hands, he dashed through the roads and onto the centre, the sounds of carols from afar echoed in his ears.

The nearest pub was at the rear of the marketplace. He had never been into one and he had always wanted to be inside. It was probably something he would like doing.

He was a man now, nothing could stop him. He was nervous, but he was smiling.

The door was ramshackled and there was a cheap wreath hanging on it. He could already hear the voices inside so he walked right in.

When the warmth and stench of the place hit him, he was grinning widely. He could get a draft and would not be reprimanded for it. Donghae, Hyukjae and Jongwoon would usually get around taverns and order drafts. They would come home tipsy or drunk but with silly smiles on their faces. Sungmin wanted to know what that feels. He wanted to experience being lightheaded.

He wanted how it feels to forget.

He waved at the young man at the counter and asked for a mug of draft.

Taking the corner table, he sat quietly and listened to all the commotion in the place. There were men singing, there were also ladies talking. Some were playing cards. The others, simply enjoying a night.

The mug was placed in front of him and he finally stared at the pale liquid in it. He placed the lid on his lip and finally drank. The first sip was painful and bitter. The second one was chilling and still bitter. Then the third, fourth... fifth, soon enough, he was downing the glass. They said you were supposed to feel something after emptying a good shot but the beer simply tastes like bitter water and there was nothing on it.

But it was good, darn, it was good.

He was about to ask for another when two squalid looking men sat opposite him. One was sporting a curly black hair, and the other had his tied onto a ponytail. They were both holding a smirk.

"Hey...." the man had a gruff voice, and he stinks of alcohol. Sungmin scrunched his face but made sure to nod. He knew that people at pubs are all drunk and always out of themselves.

"Hey." He answered as politely as he could.

"Are you sure this is a place for you, lad?" Ponytail asked. He smiled a little and took the empty mug and turned it upside down. "Tough guy for such a pretty face, huh?"

Sungmin lowered his head a little. He did not want any trouble. He just wanted some alone time. He bit his lip and shook and his head. He wanted to ignore the men. So far, his alone time isn’t going well.

"Are you even a lad???" Curly hair asked and pushed his chin up. Sungmin made sure to avoid their eyes. Everyone seemed to have their own business and he knew he could not shout for help.

"Wanna come with us and have a good time?"

He shook his head violently, pushing the chair away from the table. Maybe it was time to go. “I need to leave.” He spoke fast, covering his head with his beret before finally standing up.

Unfortunately, his wrist was caught by the chunks of fatty and greasy fingers.

“Wait there, lad.”

He tried to pull away but the man was stronger, bigger. His eyes widened in fear. He tried again but to no avail. He wanted to fight back but what can he do against these men who are obviously born to fist fight? He bit his lip in horror

"Is there a problem here?"

Another voice joined in the conversation and it was familiar that Sungmin’s first instinct was to look down and hide his face.

There was silence from the two unknown men but he could feel the heated gazes each were giving the newcomers.

Suddenly, there were banters, and curses and pushing and shouting. He did not have an idea how it escalated to such. He tried to move away in panic. The men were already throwing their fists clumsily. It was getting bigger and bigger and Sungmin turned his back, quietly sneaking out from the flocking people.

He was heading to the tavern doors when a cold hand grabbed his wrist and pulled him towards the back door. He could still see the shadows trying to wrestle one another. But he was too scared to bother anymore.

"Brave for you to go to the pub alone, gorgeous."

The voice somewhat calmed him.

It was dark at the backside alley and there was no one there. The lamp post from the main street shadowed the form but Sungmin had known Kim Heechul's stance ever since he arrived at the villa.

"We may not be Kyuhyun but your friends are quite the heroes there. Not to mention Lee Donghae is there too."

"I...."

"Don't worry. I pulled you out so they won't recognise you. Although I don't think they'll even remember this, they're too drunk for like this."

Sungmin raised his head, finally showing his face to the young maestro. His own forehead was knitted in a frown, wondering how Heechul was taking this calmly.

"What?" Heechul raised his palms to him. "We kinda saved you? I noticed you when you enter the tavern, thank my high alcohol tolerance."

Sungmin opened his mouth to speak and then closed it once again. He repeated the process thrice before Heechul threw him a glare and finally rolled his eyes on him.

"I know, Lee Sungmin. I've known for a while now." He smirked knowingly. "Let's just say, I am sort of like you and I figured. But really, you hid it well, I was thinking twice all this time anyway. And no one knows, just me."

When Heechul smiled at him, he figured it was his turn to smile back. A gush of relief ran through his back before he asked, "Was it that obvious?"

"No. It was difficult to tell. I thought you were very good in hiding it. How long?"

Sungmin swallowed before he met the maestro's eyes. He scrunched his forehead and sighed. "Almost ten years."

Heechul backed out a little, his face in awe as he did. He was obviously not prepared about that. It is in fact difficult to hide one's true ual characteristics, especially for almost a decade.

"Wow.... How... How did you manage that??"

Sungmin shook his head in defeat. He could feel the warmth on his stomach and it is funny how he was blaming the draft so suddenly.
This time, he was bolder. "I have no idea either. I grew up forcing myself to be a girl. It is not easy but I got used to it... Now I have to be a boy. I don't know how to deal with this. My father had forced me to do this and now, everything I know, everything I was, I have to throw away..." He can sense the bitterness and was forcing himself to stop but he can't. He averted his gaze but he continued.


"I don't know what to do any more. This is who I am, this..." He moved his hands up and down, gesturing on his own body like it was something foreign. "This... I don't know who I am any more. I want to be happy, and now I don't know if I can... I tried to fix this but I just can't. Everyone... all my friends, I have to leave them... the Villa..." He choked on his words.


"...Kyuhyun."


There was a pause, and there was no pure silence but Sungmin’s ears hurt. Heechul pulled him, this time gently away from the alley. The sounds from the tavern had died down and the usual drunk fight must've adjourned. They were on the main streets now and there were less people around. Stores are closing and stables are locking. The lights are bing turned off now. Sungmin looked around, his eyes painful.


"I don't know what you're going through. But let me tell you... it does not matter who is blood or who is water. You just have to be....” He scratched his head. “..., I guess. In art, is being you... doing what you love the most. Being yourself and knowing who you are."

"You know...It doesn't matter whatever people see because it would be useless if they see you and you don't see yourself."

Sungmin smiled because it made a lot of sense. "I guess that's too late. I've already made a decision.... and I went away."

"The bad decision doesn't make it all that bad. Hey, Kyuhyun loves you, you know.” The words rang and hit him straight like a bullet even if he had no idea how that feels. “Never saw him like that and even Jongwoon was certain the young master had changed..."

The sound of the name was frightening and Sungmin did not understand how their relationship had escalated into something deeper. They were usually just playing around. Being happy, and he was just tolerating Kyuhyun. Unfortunately, they fell onto their own trap.

"He hasn't left his room since you left. Jongwoon is still on vacation because of that. He would not see anyone. You did not say goodbye to him?"

He smiled sadly, knowing how Kyuhyun would be pissed at him. Sungmin knew that life in the villa goes on. He was no important part of it. Ahra had left once and her actions were easily forgotten by her parents until she returned. But he did not expect Kyuhyun to act such.

"He is to be married. We all know there's no hope even from the start for us. There's no us, there's not even a battle. It was just a play..."

Heechul snickered and turned around. They were at the end of the market, and as far as Sungmin remembers, they should be separating by now.

"That is just preposterous. Anyway, you should be home now. Nearing midnight and you still don't have a city card as a boy, we're nearing curfew. " The maestro nodded towards Sungmin's direction. "No need for a male companion now, eh?" He smiled and Sungmin bowed.

He was getting used in bowing but he was still uncomfortable with it. Tightening his coat, he walked away, Heechul's every word ringing in his head.

Maybe telling Kyuhyun the truth would make the separation easier.


*


It was tiring and frustrating. Hyori pulled him out of bed even if he insisted of his sore back and headache. It was just a mug of beer but he was already sporting a headache and he was irritable all day. He knew he could not anymore use the “monthly-pain” as an excuse and he knew that Hyori would accept nothing.

After breakfast, Hyori handed him two poetry books to read which he practically ignored.

He slept for the whole day, clutching his old clothes until his falls asleep as he find comfort in the scent of cinder and kitchen. He missed serving, going to the market, cleaning and cooking. He missed the chores he had to accomplish every single day.


The next days followed and Sungmin was exhausted. The tutor had been introduced and he was an old man with an attitude and he frightened Sungmin a lot. He gave him books to read and problems to solve.

In the afternoon, the music teacher would come and teach Sungmin of the piano. He had learned four keys in two days, and was closing in on six. Hyori and Sunyoung were pleased on how he could cope up well. Sungmin thought it was just luck and fear.

At night after dinner, he would usually open The Odyssey but he would fail in reading it. He would just stare at the dried rose staining it on the first page. And he would feel this great sense of need as he curls himself to sleep.

It happened every night.

The day before Christmas, Sungmin got his break. No tutors, no trainings, no maestros and no books.

He spent the day in his room, wiping and fixing the furniture. He found comfort in cleaning, in arranging things. It was not supposed to be his job but he did. He changed the drapes and fixed the ornament. He found old wreaths and angel dolls from the study. He placed them all, and he hung his favourite red and soggy sock on the fireplace.

Afternoon broke in and Sungmin was not even feeling tired. His hair and face were dusty and his arms soiled. He had somehow decided to dust the fireplace and change his sheets. He was smiling when he finally locked himself in the bathroom and soaked his body in the hot tub.

Sungmin worked everything by himself. His usher knocked thrice but he told him to go rest. He heated his own water and prepared his clothes. He found it easy and suddenly wondered why everyone needs a servant in waiting all the time.


It was around dusk when Hyori finally knocked in his room. He panicked, for he had not started reading the books she had handed him days ago and his chamber looked different. He was still on his robe, thinking of ways to entertain himself when his sister started knocking. He pulled on his shirt and topped a vest, combed his hair and finally pulled on a smart-looking pair of pants. Hyori is keen with looks and Sungmin did not want to disappoint her once again.

“Sungmin...” She finally pushed the door open. She was on her usual skirt and blazer. Her eyes were worried as she smiled at him. Sungmin moved closer and noticed she was holding a dress and... a wig.

“What is it?” He asked, moving closer to her. “What happened?”

Hyori shook her head and handed him the silken cloth. “He’s here.”

Sungmin felt his heart stop and even if there was vagueness in her words, he immediately knew who Hyori was talking about. He bit his lip.

“Cho Kyuhyun is looking for you. And he came in as a young lord, we cannot keep him out.” Sungmin accepted the set of clothes. “Approach him as a girl and tell him you never want to see him again.”

Sungmin stopped.


It was not a request. It was a command.

“I’ll cover up for you while father is gone, he would not like any more dealings with the Cho’s so we have to make him leave.”

“I know it would be very difficult and I know that you like him but things are different now. Just...” She rubbed her temples as if she was sporting a headache. “... End this. Please.”

*

Sungmin’s knees were shaking as he fixed the wig on his head. He did not know what to do and he did not know what to feel. Kyuhyun was there, asking for him. He wanted to talk, to see him. He never really got to say goodbye and maybe this is the chance to do so.

But Sungmin has to make it easier for him. He cares for Kyuhyun and he did not want him to suffer anymore. It must have been Heechul who coerced the young lord to stand up. Maybe Heechul had wanted Sungmin to tell Kyuhyun the truth.
He told him to be ...

Straightening his stance he stepped out of his room. The skirt flowed along his legs and he had to admit he missed the feeling of it around him. He smiled as he walked down the main staircase, knowing too well that Kyuhyun was at the receiving area waiting for him.

As soon as the doors opened, Sungmin felt the familiar flip in his chest that he had not felt for a long time. It seemed like ages had pass since the butterflies fluttered inside his stomach. He exhaled audibly as he went straight to the centre of the room where the young master was seated.

Kyuhyun’s face had aged. For the days that had passed and the things that had happened, the apprehension was very much evident on his forehead.

“Sungmin...”

And the world stopped. Because all Sungmin could feel was Kyuhyun. All he could think about was the young lord standing before him and finally embracing him. Kyuhyun’s arms were tightly wrapped around his body, as if he had never wanted to let go.

His eyes stung and Sungmin wished that his life could be that of a fairy tale, and he could run away from this truth and instead forge a reality with Kyuhyun. A reality where they both are smiling, together.

But Kyuhyun needs to learn of the truth. He could not allow him to be blinded by what he sees of him. Sungmin would spare Kyuhyun of the lies and at least he could compensate for everyone. Maybe at least a part of his sins can be covered.

Pushing the young lord lightly, he smiled at him as they locked gazes. He shook his head and closed the door.

“Sungmin...”

“I did not expect you to be here, young master.” He spoke. “I... I was hoping... hoping that you had moved on.”

Kyuhyun gave him that giggle and Sungmin was not stupid to not hear the sarcasm in it.

“I can’t believe this...” the young master spoke. “You really have not thought about this? About us?”

Sungmin tilted his head in question, a deed he usually do when confused. It was done unconsciously, and womanlike. “What of?”

“Can’t you see? It would be fine by now... It’s okay for us to be together.” His arms were spread wide and the smile on his face broke Sungmin’s heart. “No more servant issues, no more social statuses. I know our families are not in good terms, but you know... status is business.”

Sungmin wanted to cry.

The young lord was hoping.

He was happy.

Sungmin’s heart ached.

Kyuhyun must know.


It hurt so much.

It was the only way.

He smiled at him, sadly and reached out for his hand, his own shaking in fear. Moving towards him and finally embracing him. He wanted Kyuhyun.
He loves him.

And Kyuhyun loves him.

He leaned close to the touch and tiptoed to reach the master’s ear. “We need to talk... privately.”

This was it.

There was no turning back.

Kyuhyun kissed his cheek, he could feel him inhaling his every scent, and he was not able to resist leaning to it. He smiled, kissing Kyuhyun’s jaw. Kyuhyun did not spare him another chance and pecked his lips and oh, how he missed the feeling of having Kyuhyun so close to him.


They spent minutes more like that: close and unwavering. Sungmin had to throw another kiss on Kyuhyun’s jaw before they pull apart.

The young master walked towards the desk, a fountain pen, and a small parchment lying there as if it was set. He scribbled a note and handed it to Sungmin just in time before Hyori entered the room.

“Being alone with a lady is not of etiquette, Master Cho.” She hinted, staring at Sungmin meaningfully. “I hope you’re done with whatever business you have for my sibling.”

“I am, my lady.” Kyuhyun answered, bowing low. “And please call me Kyuhyun. Master Cho is still my father.”

He gawked at Sungmin one more time before walking out of the room, an usher on his side.

“Send Lady Ahra my regards, please.” Hyori added.

“I will...” He waved without turning. “Though I’m not quite sure if she would still accept it.” His voice faltered from the front door as he finished his words. Sungmin could hear Hyori sigh.

The sound of car machine rattled and even before it faded, his sister had moved to Sungmin and asked him of their conversation. Sungmin just shook his head and smiled at his sister sadly.

Pulling out his wig, he eyed the floor and went back to his room. He needed to prepare his self. Locking his room, he sat on his bed as he stared at the piece of paper on his hand. It has the same writing as the first one but it bears no question.

Tonight. 44 Midnight street.

Tonight, he would tell Kyuhyun.

Tonight, he would bear no disguise.

Tonight, the lies would end for him.

Tonight, he would see him walk away.

Tonight, it would be over.

Tonight, it was Christmas Eve.


To be continued..


* Hi!! Sorry for the delay! :D