It's not like i was doing anything wrong... well thats how i thought about it in my mind. Yes, so my best friend and maybe the love of my life are going out, but "seeing" him isnt going to be called cheating nor flirting. Long story short , its all about how it plays out. To be honest i dont even understand what im doing. Donghae clearly loves YoonA so why am I even letting him back into my heart ? It would be fine if i could accept Donghae as just a friend or maybe even a best friend but i dont. The problem is I never will. I'll probably always have fellings for him, i loved him 3 years ago , but now I can't decide if i still love him the same. I know i have a "crush" or whatever they called it back in America, but now it feels like maybe possibly love ?

I'm tired of thinking. After Donghae drove me to the hosipital and back, it was too late for the concert , by that time it had already ended. I didnt know what to say when he said that i had a week to figure out if i loved him or not. But regardless, it made me happy. I can''t deny that there was a feeling inside of me that was happiness that i havent felt in a long time. Being around Jonghyun made me very happy aswell , but it just feels so diffrent with Donghae.

" Sica?... stop day dreaming! We have to prepare for our performance on Music core next week! "

" Sorry Taeyeon! I'll work harder"

" Ouuu daydreaming ?! Tell me, what about ?! "

"Aish, Yuri , nothing...."

Hyoyeon : " Lets just call it a break for now guys . After the break we should prepare our dance show with suju . "

" We're dancing with Suju?"

" Yep ! we're doing a special dance stage with them and also those who wont be with suju will do another singing special with the SHINee boys . Why , something wrong Sica? "

" noo ! Doesnt matter its probably only going to be a few of us right ? "

" yeaa , we'll choose after the break."

-- Sitting and eating --

" Sooo ... Sica, I heard Donghae drove you to the hospital yesterday ... ? "

" yea.... but it was nothing YoonA  .  But your kiss... "

" Oh yea im sorry , i shouldve been more carefull in public . Sorry Sic "

"Not a problem YoonA , so like you guys are dating now right? ... "

" I would think so , but he hasnt even asked me to be his girl friend  "

" I'm sure he'll ask you soon enough.. "

Hyoeyeon : " Okay girls lets decide!  ---- So starting of with the dance special , it will be a partner thing , so far i know there are 5 suju boys , so we need 5 of us. Lets go with our main dancers , YoonA , Sooyoung, Yuri , and I . But that still leaves one more person ...
"

Taeyeon : " Why dont you lead dancers decide ? "

Hyoeyeon : " I think thats a good idea.  Keep in mind this dance is going be a y dance, and involve lots of intimacy. -- Okay lets start the vote , YoonA who do you think ? 

" I'd say Jessica, because its a y dance. -- Yuri ? "

" me too Sica. Sooyoung ? "

" I'd go with Seohyun , but since theres a lot of intimacy , I dont want to ruin her makanae image. So i'll go with Sica to .  Hyoeyeon ? "

" for me it'd be Sica, -- So itd be Sica, and the rest will go practice with SHINee right now in the vocal room. byebye! "

"bieee! "

"and for us the Suju boys will be coming soon to practise "

"uhmm Hyoyeon which boys are there exactly. ? "

" As far as i know YoonA , its Eunhyuk , Donghae, Leetuk , Sungmin , and Heechul. Partner preferences?"

Sooyoung : " Its obviously going to be you and Eunhyuk , YoonA and Donghae, then theres me , Yuri , and Jessica to pick.Wanna pick first Sica? "

" Its alright, you guys pick i dont mind . Yuri? "

" I dont want to pick now either we'll just figure it out when they come. "

-10 mins later-

" Ouu i see Donghae ! Dont get to excited YoonA"

" Aish Sooyuong shut it ."

Eunhyuk : "sooo whos paired up with who ? "

Hyoyeon :  " why dont you guys pick ? "

The boys follow and start to walk towards us. I take a glance at Donghae , he seems so confused... Just go to YonnA.... your already faces with her...

Heechul  : " Sica! Stop day dreaming! "

"aish heechul shut it!   Who you with ? "

" i dont know who to pick , thing is im closest to you right now , but i think its weird if we do a y dance together , i treat you like my little sister... and. .. "

" no need to continue pabo!  Go ask Yuri shes not with anyone . "

Leetuk : " Sicaa ? Want to be partners ? I think me and you would like nice together."

" suure! "

I look over to see where Donghaes at , looks like hes already gotten to YoonA ... Ugh snap out of it Sica. They're dating , get used to it . Today, we dont have a chorgeorpher , Hyoyeon and Eunkhyuk are working together to plan for the rest of us. Hyoyeon decides to do it pair by pair. First is Donghae and YoonA , Eunkhyuk says they should do a y tango. As I'm sitting on the side , i can kind of feel a pain in me . Not like im going to cry, but they're so clooose! just when i thought Donghae was going to fall for me instead of YoonA .

Eunhyuk : Leetuk and Sica , your turn! Get up here. --- What do you two want to do ? 

I dont know what got into me... I was being stupid , but all i could think to do was get revenge and maybe play the jelousy game?

" Why dont we do a y power dance?"

" Whoa Sica! Thats a first I've ever heard you so into intamite dancing ! " - Yuri

Leetuk : Yea , i think we should do that to .

-- 40 mins later --

Hyoyeon : " Oh my gosh , its already been 40 mins ! Your dance moves are so challenging. Sorry I think me and Eukhyuk are working you and Sica to hard. Everybody take a rest."

I go to the washroom to wipe my sweat. Sooyuongs already there. 

" Sica! Om my gosh your dace is amazingly y like i did not know ...  you could ...  never mind! Donghae must so be jelous! I see the way he looks at you. I think YoonA does to , she saw him staring a couple of times . Be careful this week , keep it a secret... well from everyone but me... "

" Aish Sooyuong, i feel weird after telling you what happened! Anyways, I dont think he stares at me... Why is he even dating YoonA if he is... I wish he would just tell me how he felt ! "

" There is a way Sica... have you heard of jelousy ? First off , go put this on . "

Sooyoung gave me her 2 pieace dancing outfit. Just a sports bra, and sport shorts.

" I brought an extra today , go out and work it! "

" but sooyoung ... never mind! I'm sick of being second to YoonA lets go! "

I walk back into the room and eyes are on  me. I dont understand really, Sooyoung always wears these things and she never gets questioned for it. I go to the one person i know who will always give me and honest answer. Heechul.

" Heechul ...  why are they all looking at me ? "

" because your wearing like .... nothing ? "

" but Sooyoung unnie always wears these things why me? "

" because your Jessica! You never wear these . It doesnt mattter you look very y .

I finish my dance with Leetuk ,and as akward it was, i felt proud that i caught Donghae staring a couple of times. He looked mad, awhwell! It just proves Sooyoung right. Although i know what im doing is wrong. I leave for a drink , and I see Donghae follow me out.

" You know Sica, I dont think you rubbing up on Leetuk , will help you figure out if you love me or not ."

" first of all , its a dance, im not rubbing up on him because i want to and secondly, you were "rubbing" up on YoonA back there to , thats not going to help you figure out why you care oh so much about me... "

"meet me outside after this ends, i want to bring you somewhere. And.. dont wear that! "

"Aish you little fishy! Whats wrong with what im wearing!? Just because you told me not to wear it , I will ! "

"Sica, you dont need to show skin to be uber gorgeous, because you will always be GorJESS. And only you can be gorjess."

"you dont care when YoonA shows her skin . "

" Its not that i dont care, its that when i see you wearing tight , revealing tops  it just makes me mad how the other guys look at you. Your simply Gorjess and no one can doubt that."