It was just a matter of time. Jiyong had convinced himself the moment Seunghyun walked away from him that evening. The guy needed his space; Jiyong was quite assured with his own assumption. He didn’t spare any second thoughts and decided to leave scattering problems behind him.

As soon as he arrived home, he plopped onto his bed tiredly and readies to lose himself under the warm sheets of his until he remembered that he was supposed to be preparing for examination tomorrow. Jiyong groaned, making a noisy sound at the back of his throat, wriggling his way out from his comfy mattress and reached for his towel.

Just as he was about untangling the pink scarf around his neck, he was suddenly remembered about the taller guy. The snobbish-mischievous-Seunghyun was nowhere in sight, Jiyong thought to himself. He had not recognized the loud angry voice hollered at him when Seunghyun had gripped him on his arm. By the way those beautiful lips twitched in irritation didn’t missed Jiyong eyes, he swore guilt was clutching on his chest at that time. He had saw fire burning around the taller one, feeling bad that he couldn’t find his tongue to make up thousand excuses.

Yet, nothing came close to what he felt when Seunghyun put on a big distance between them. He hates how Seunghyun smothered him with warmness by his face softly only to turn his back on him, leaving coldness to embrace his stiff body. Selfish. Hastily, Jiyong gripped on the pink scarf to throw it in his closet and close the door shut.

Jiyong called Seungri and told the guy he’ll be taking a couple of days off from work since the exam is coming. A simple ‘Good luck’ from the other line made him smiled before cutting off the call. Time is gold, he recalled his teacher told the whole class with his loud voice so Jiyong didn’t waste any time and quickly piled up his books within seconds. He tried to get occupied with books, numbers and formulas that night and it worked. The scribbling noise from his pencil against notebooks never stopped and clicking buttons of his calculator was starting to get on his nerves as the night turned darker.

He yawned tiredly, clamping a palm over his opened mouth and stretched out in his seat. Closing his books, Jiyong decided to call it a day. He moved to snuggle into his pillow and brought the cover over his face, tired eyelids fluttering slowly as he dozed off. He had a dream this time, a dark silhouette of a guy. It was blurry at first but his heart instantly twinge in pain as he saw a pair of broken eyes burning a hole on his skin before turning away from him and fades. Jiyong had woken up with a loud gasp and beads of sweats along his face, painfully tried to swallow air in his lungs.

“It was just a nightmare” Jiyong assured himself, pushing his damped hair to the back and trembling lips pursed into a firm line. It is okay. It is fine. Everything will be alright. Those words played around his mind and Jiyong found himself slipping under his cold sheets once again.

 

-

 

There was no sight of Seunghyun in the morning. His heart fell, cracking a little on the sides and he found the urge to wince. Seunghyun was mad at him and Jiyong has very much acknowledge it when his brain keeps replaying the scene where the taller guy turned his back on him the moment Jiyong awaken from his sleep. Gripping a tight fist against his chest, Jiyong decided to walk to school alone and meet Youngbae in the end of the corner. The weight on his heart lightened as Youngbae opened a conversation with him but there’s still pain lingers somewhere.

Walking along the crowded hallway, his heart tugged once again when he found no one standing by his locker. Jiyong can’t help but to wander his eyes around the hallway and peeked at every corner only to let his shoulders slumped dejectedly in the end. It’s an examination day and Jiyong was supposed to remember all the countless formulas. Yet, here he is, standing numbly with untouched book in his hand and waited for an appearance of Choi Seunghyun. When the bell finally rings, Jiyong closed his locker shut.

“Good luck for your exam, Jiyong. I’m sure you’ll do great. Remember to read all questions carefully before you write the answer”

Encourage words from Youngbae somehow lifted his strength for a minute until he was back to wonder what would Seunghyun possibly say to him at time like this. That guy would probably tell him a lame joke and tried to hug him, saying that a hug from Choi Seunghyun is a good luck itself. Jiyong smiled at his own imagination. Oddly, he craved to see the wide-stupid-grin on Seunghyun’s face, believing that any words came out from the guy’s mouth right now would give Jiyong a great strength to answer the examination papers.

This is not the time to ponder about Choi Seunghyun, get a grip of yourself, Jiyong! A voice whispered and it took a moment for his brain to process. Realizing he’s been dreaming for a while, Jiyong slapped his cheeks literally making Youngbae to frown in shock and later ask him if he was okay. Jiyong just nodded weakly, hissing as he rubbed his cheek and said that it’s fine—he’s fine, his brain just need a wakeup call.

“Good luck to you too, Youngbae” Jiyong pulled a smile and gathered his things in his arms.

Right then, Jiyong turned around to walk with Youngbae to their class but was stopped upon someone’s arrival. He had to blink several times to make sure that he wasn’t hallucinating. Seunghyun walked through the hallway with a smile on his lips making Jiyong felt relief washed over him. At least someone is happy despite Jiyong that has been struggling to pull a sincere smile over his lips since early morning. Jiyong felt his body lighter upon seeing Seunghyun talking to his friends. Taecyeon had his arm around Seunghyun and both were busy laughing to even bother Daesung that was having a hard time catching up with their fast pace. It was nice seeing Seunghyun together with his friends because somehow the guy seemed unguarded.

Seeing how Jiyong was pre occupied with his cousin’s presence, Youngbae excuse himself to get to his class first. With a slight nod and a hand wave to Youngbae, the other guy takes off after squeezed Jiyong’s shoulder. Jiyoung quickly cleared his throat as he realized that Seunghyun was walking to his way. It’s time. Tell Seunghyun he’s sorry. Apologize for everything because eventually things will get better, Jiyong believed so.  He needs to confront the other guy in order to get rid of his guilt. He believed that Seunghyun is not petty in forgiving someone, especially not him.

Unconsciously, his hand had moved to card hairs to the back and his lips were stretch in a sweet smile. The extra effort to look good made Jiyong to question himself but he pushed it away as he saw Seunghyun’s head turned to his way. His heart thumped. Those menacing eyes reached him and he smiled but the taller guy turned to face his friend again. Involuntarily, Jiyong gripped on his things to calm himself from thinking negative thoughts. It’s understandable, he twitched his lips. Maybe, Seunghyun didn’t notice him so Jiyong took a step ahead to stand in the centre of the hallway and opened his mouth to approach Seunghyun.

“Hi, Seunghy—” Jiyong said only to cut off in a defeated sigh when the guy brushed him by the shoulder, eyes looking anywhere but the boy.

Jiyong froze, eyes stare ahead.

It stings.

He can feel his eyes watered in the rim of his eyes but he quickly blinked it away and pulled in a deep breath. After a moment lost in calmness, Jiyong was pulled back to the reality. The loud bell rings in his eardrums, shuffling noises of shoes against the pavement, shouts of good luck across the hallway; there are so many distraction but his eyes could only stare on Choi Seunghyun. The guy with his back on him, the guy that didn’t even bother to give him a glance, the guy that doesn’t even spare him a minute to talk and Jiyong admittedly doesn’t feel good about it.

Nonetheless, Jiyong turned his heels and decided to go to his class. Perhaps, Seunghyun didn’t notice him amongst the crowd, Jiyong cooed himself and nodded his head. It’s okay. The guy will probably turn into silly Seunghyun again by the lunch time. His fingers fiddled against each other. One possible thought made his stomach lurched; Choi Seunghyun is avoiding him. Jiyong blinked, letting the thought sinks in his brain. Turning his head around, his eyes keen to reach for the familiar figure, however, Seunghyun’s body changed into a shade of silhouette that slowly disappears between the crowds. The guy didn’t even look back at him and Jiyong had to shudder at his thought.

“God, stop overthinking. He’s probably busy with the exam and so on. Get your head together, Jiyong” Jiyong slapped a hand over his head and moved on fast after realizing he was the only one standing in the hallway.

 

-

 

His day doesn’t get any better, Jiyong thought bitterly. He was not at peace. His eyes flickered back to scan the whole canteen and search for anyone familiar but failed miserably. Seunghyun was not at canteen neither at the rooftop, so where else could he be? The day slipped through his fingers easily, ending his day with a loud ring of the bell shaking off his thoughts. Jiyong sighed dejectedly when he shouldered his bag and walked out of his class, only to found an empty hallway. No Seunghyun, again.

“Where else could he be?” frustrated, Jiyong run his hand through messy hair just to pull it out.

“Hey, what are you waiting for? Come on” Youngbae pats his shoulder lightly and tugged at his arm, smile blooming on his lips. Jiyong pursed his lips at first, debating whether should he opened his mouth and ask about Seunghyun. Since Youngbae is one of Seunghyun’s closest friend, the guy would probably know where Seunghyun would hide himself at time like this.

“Youngbae, do you know where Seunghyun is?” he asked slowly. Youngbae frowned at this.

“I don’t know. Seunghyun is always secretive with me so he never tells me his whereabouts or what he’s doing. Didn’t you two always hang out together though? Don’t you know where he is at time like this?” the question made Jiyong baffled instantly.

And for the first time, Jiyong was lost.  

He just realized that there never seemed a day that Seunghyun leave Jiyong’s side. They were always together bickering at the hallway in early morning, chatting over food on the rooftop and laughing at stupid jokes after school. No matter how busy Seunghyun was, the guy will always make sure he walked Jiyong home right after he finished his work at the club. Even though, the guy seemed to annoy him a lot, Jiyong didn’t missed Seunghyun’s genuine purpose. The guy cared for Jiyong and Jiyong acknowledged it.

Seunghyun never fail to read him which sometime irked Jiyong because at certain times he didn’t dare to spit lie to the guy because once the tense eyebrows creased, Jiyong knows that Seunghyun wasn’t amused at his deception. The guy even knows his worse habit, what he loves to eat, where he would be at a certain specific time, where he would hide when he felt bad—but then, what does Jiyong knows about Seunghyun?

Nothing.

A pang across his chest was felt when he concluded that he could not answer that question. He doesn’t know anything about Seunghyun apart from the information that he is a younger brother of Choi Dongwook. The discomfort in his chest twisted in unimaginable ways, making Jiyong leaned to the wall for support, feeling weak all of sudden.

“Jiyong, are you okay?” Youngbae shook his shoulders.

“You know, Youngbae. I just realized I was a bad friend from the start”

And Jiyong wonders if he has been taking Seunghyun for granted all this time.

 

-

 

Jiyong appeared the next day with a smile and hope. He’ll clear things up today. Jiyong left a sticky note on Seunghyun’s locker that morning. I’ll wait for you on the rooftop for lunch. His writing appeared perfect and neat against the yellow paper. The note is simple and straightforward, stood out strikingly against the dull colour of Seunghyun’s locker so Jiyong doubt that Seunghyun will miss his note.

The exam was easy fortunately. In spite of his lack of concentration when studying, Jiyong managed to answer every question with confidence. Youngbae asked the boy to join him for lunch but Jiyong politely decline his offer, saying that he’s going to have a lunch with Seunghyun as usual. The guy was hesitant for seconds but nodded his head anyway.

Jiyong step into the rooftop when lunch time came. With a lunch box in his hand, Jiyong dusted a spot on the pavement before he settle to sit across it, body leaning against the wall. He brought hand-made sandwiches for himself and Seunghyun today. Well, precisely the lunch was made for Seunghyun to ask for his forgiveness. Figuring out Seunghyun’s behaviour in the morning, he could see the guy was still bitter at him, resulted him to use his Plan B. Thank god he already prepared it beforehand.

“I hope he’ll like it” Jiyong smiled looking at the sandwiches cut in triangular shape. It’s his first time making a lunch for someone except for himself.

Jiyong hugged his lunch box to his chest and sighed. He hope he doesn’t have to wait too long because his stomach has been growling for some time now, though Jiyong wasn’t planning to eat the sandwiches without Seunghyun. It was made for the guy so Jiyong is willing to wait no matter how long it will take. Shifting the watch on his wrist, Jiyong realized it had passed ten minutes. If it was any other days, Seunghyun would have seated next to him and told him jokes at the moment but there were no sign of the guy up until this second, making Jiyong fidgeted in his spot.

Is he not coming?

 

-

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be having lunch with Jiyong right now?” Youngbae asked, popping out of nowhere in a sudden startling Seunghyun and his friends.

Seunghyun just looked at him blankly before taking the chopsticks into his hand again, continue to eat his lunch. Taecyeon chose to glance at Youngbae then to Seunghyun and back to Youngbae again when he saw that Seunghyun had no intention on answering. The question hung in the air, dropping a heavy atmosphere to wrap around them. After a moment of silence, noises surrounding them sound clearer to ears. No one even bother to pay attention and resume stuffing food on their faces. 

“You’re not answering me, Seunghyun” Youngbae stepped in closer, slamming a palm across the table flat as he tried to fish Seunghyun’s attention.

The guy however seemed to be pretty occupied as he shoved rice into his full mouth, busily munching non-stop. Instead, Daesung was choked out of surprise, causing him to be gasping for air. Thankfully, Taecyeon quickly handed him a glass of water and he washed over relief after that, mouthing a thank you to him. Youngbae apologized to Daesung as he patted the boy’s back but the boy just shrugged of his shoulder and muttered ‘No problem, hyung’.

“I’m finished” Seunghyun said loudly and started to pick up his tray. “Meet you guys back in the class”

“Jiyong is waiting for you on the rooftop” Youngbae said, invading his privacy as well as blocking the guy’s track.

However, Seunghyun didn’t even meet his eyes and turned around, walking away with his tray. Youngbae doesn’t like how Jiyong doesn’t give any effect on Seunghyun. There must be something’s going on between them or else Seunghyun wouldn’t even try to avoid Jiyong. H.ell, the guy has been pestering the boy non-stop every day.

“They must have fought” Daesung said plainly while clumsily munching his rice, looking on Seunghyun’s back. Youngbae looked at him with an eyebrow shot up, waiting for explanation.

“I don’t know anything. But I saw hyung was ignoring Jiyong this morning but then I thought it was unintentional” Daesung shrugged off. Youngbae was about to say something until Taecyeon speaks, he bites down what he had to say, creasing his thick eyebrows.

“It’s about time. I thought I’ll never see a day Seunghyun avoids Jiyong” Taecyeon finally speaks, leaving a satisfied smirk on his face. Youngbae had to scowl involuntarily.

“Don’t give that look, Bae. You know what I was talking about. Kwon Jiyong will become another mess for Seunghyun if they stay as friends. Seunghyun had enough problems as it is and he doesn’t need another one. God who knows what else that boy will bring after bad luck”

“But Seunghyun changed, Taecyeon”

“Yes, but only for a while. After he finally gets senses back, I’m sure he won’t even bother to look at the kid anymore”

“Why do you hate Kwon Jiyong so much?”

“Why do you keep taking on his side then?”

“I asked you first”

“Suits yourself then” Taecyeon gulped the last bit of rice in his mouth and cleared up all his side dishes.

“I’m not sure if you even realize but after Seunghyun met Jiyong, he’s starting to come out of his shell. Jiyong has been cracking the thick shell Seunghyun built up around himself, and of course, Jiyong doesn’t even realize that because he doesn’t know what kind of person Seunghyun was before”

“You’re spitting bullsh.t, Bae. Stop it” Taecyeon groaned and jabbed his chopsticks on his food, plastic utensils digging into fish skins.

“Seunghyun was once a depressed, lonely soul, Taecyeon. Damn it, we, as his friends, can’t even reach out to him but Jiyong can! Do you even know why, Taecyeon?” Taecyeon found himself gritting through his clenched teeth, fist gripping tight till knuckles turned white.

“It’s because he saw himself in Jiyong. It’s like seeing his own reflection before he guarded himself up with a wall” with that Youngbae walked off from their sight and Taecyeon thankful that he already finished his food because, suddenly, he lost his appetite.

 

-

 

Seunghyun forced his eyes to close shut and tried to doze off into his mindless dreams. Yet, the knock on his classroom door got him startled. He can hear words of muttering from mouth to mouth and he knew that there’s no doubt his suspicion is turning into reality. Instead of standing up and run away, Seunghyun chose to shut his eyes tightly and reminded himself not to move even the slightest. His desk moved as Taecyeon kicked it but Seunghyun just answered him with a lazy groan.

“That kid is here, Seunghyun. He wants to meet you” Seunghyun pretended not to hear anything as he turned away to face the window.

“Stop with the act and get up, you b.stard. I know you’re not sleeping” A kick made the desk moved a little but he still doesn’t even bother to budge.

“I’ll hurt him if you keep on being stubborn” This made his eyes snapped open in a swift but then Taecyeon’s tone doesn’t sound truthful to his ears so he stilled. Is Taecyeon going to hurt Jiyong? Why does he want to hurt Jiyong because as far as he knows Jiyong did nothing to his friend. Seunghyun clenched on his jaws and waited some moment to pass by.

“I’ll tell him you don’t want to see him” with that rushed steps padded on the pavement harshly, only to leave a loud slam of door.

Seunghyun refrained himself from getting up his seat and stopping Taecyeon. He had to latch on his hands across the desk, clinging on to it so desperately because he can’t see Jiyong. Not at this state. Not when he couldn’t even bear with another heartache tearing him apart. Seunghyun’s not weak. He’s just defenceless when it comes to Jiyong.

A loud screech against the ground made him jerked up, eyes fixed at Taecyeon who’s already pulling a chair to take a seat next to him. There’s a pause stilled. Seunghyun saw a lunch box in Taecyeon’s hand, heart skipping countless beats. His mouth curled up and he had meant to ask if it was from Jiyong, if the lunch box was sent for him. Instead, Seunghyun’s eyes flicked back to Taecyeon’s face and shut his mouth.

“Here, he asked me to pass the lunch box to you” Taecyeon pushed the lunch box in his sight and Seunghyun could see sandwiches in there, untouched sandwiches placed neatly in there.

He remembered there’s a day on the rooftop once; he had asked Jiyong to make him a sandwich. His request was frowned upon. Jiyong told him that cooking is hard and takes a lot of effort so he wouldn’t waste his time on it. Studying is more preferable than cooking, Jiyong said. Seunghyun could recall clearly how those lips speak confidently and tell him that cooking is not for a boy. He had thought the boy would stop at that but Seunghyun didn’t miss Jiyong’s last word. His lips quirked up as images of Jiyong pouting flashed behind his eyelids, mumbling under his breath, sounds something close like-- ‘I don’t want to poison you with my inedible food’. The memory is fresh in his head but his heart felt distant so Seunghyun turned away and closed his eyes.

“You can eat it. I’m not hungry” Certain things bound to happen when you know someone, being their friend for years, learning about people and it didn’t take a lot of effort for Taecyeon to read Seunghyun.

 “I told him you’re not here” Taecyeon started. Although Seunghyun looked like he’s dozing off, Taecyeon knows that his ears perked up at whatever he’s spouting at the moment.

“But he doesn’t buy it. He knows you’re avoiding him” Taecyeon watched Seunghyun’s furrowed his brows as if bothered by a nightmare in his dream.

 “The kid told me that there are a lot of things he needs to clarify and maybe apologize to you, too. I don’t understand words he said after that because he looked out of place and can’t stop from stuttering so I just shut him up and grab the lunch box from his hand” Taecyeon can’t stop from feeling bothered at Seunghyun’s lack of reaction, appeared to be indifference at his story.

“I don’t know why I did—but I asked him what happened. The kid said, maybe, he messed up big time” the emphasis at the end made Seunghyun opened his eyes slowly, eyes flicked at Taecyeon then at the lunch box on the table.

“That kid… I mean…Jiyong—he looks sad, Seunghyun” Taecyeon spoke with a heavy sigh flowed from his tongue.

His heart tugged in agony as Seunghyun shut his eyes again. He could imagine the image of Jiyong looking at him with tears b around his eyes, lips pouted unknowingly. The pair of broken eyes that will send shivers down his spine, he used to look at it before and Seunghyun once swear not to let the boy fell into the brink of sadness again. Then, again, what was he doing? Avoiding Jiyong for the whole day and succeeded in making the boy feel guilty and sad, Seunghyun suddenly wanted to punch himself in the face for being stupid, idiotic and dumb altogether.

 

-

 

Six days has passed since then.

It was exactly 6 days, 10 hours, 32 minutes and 55 seconds. Jiyong looked at his fingers, doesn’t actually sure why he’s been counting. He scribbled a note on his desk with messy handwriting, digging blunt pencil onto the wooden desk he’s been using for almost a year. Days slowly flew away, crawling out from his skin leaving him to feel eerily  and cold, wind slapping icily against his face and Jiyong was starting to miss warmth. Seunghyun was ignoring him and Jiyong can only stare dumbly on the desk because there’s actually nothing he could do. Wrong. There are a couple of things Jiyong could do in order to make up with Seunghyun but his pride got the best of him.

He can finally get rid of exams out of his hair and focused back on his study like he would always do after all these years. Reading books, revising his homework, playing with his calculator and jotting down formulas on his notebooks; there are actually so many productive things that he would do but somehow Jiyong can’t get a grip of his long lost-self. At some point, he felt different than he used to. Jiyong doesn’t feel numb, his skin doesn’t paint deathly-white and Jiyong doesn’t see his world as black and white anymore.

Variety of emotions would always play a melody along the thump of his heartbeat and his world was blooming in beautiful striking colours nowadays. He could always lie to himself and put up random excuses but he doesn’t want to because—this time it’s different. Jiyong wanted to face the reality himself, tell himself: Seunghyun mainly is the cause of this after-effect.

Jiyong shoved chairs to the back and started walking without rush, sparing the time with careful steps down the stairs. Aimlessly, he passed the library only to turn at the corner and padded his shoes against the stairs, arms settled against the railing. His brain could merely processed where he was going until he found himself standing on the muddy field, staining his shoes with chocolate dirt that would probably take more than scrubbing to disappear. However, Jiyong could care less about his shoes right now because his attention was fully transfixed on the tall body running around the field kicking ball with his friends.

Choi Seunghyun, the tall guy with an infamous smirk that used to save him from suicide, the guy that won’t stop pestering him until the sky turned dark, the warm guy that would comfort him with stupid words and a genuine smile and the guy that used to eat an ice-cream with him while striding down his neighbourhood. There are so many moments that Jiyong can list, moments when he did genuinely appreciate because these colourful memories were making him feel alive. Jiyong feel his legs walk themselves, bringing him to get a closer look of Seunghyun, maybe even to touch him and feel the sweaty face under his skin. He smiled upon his childish thought, blushing.

“What am I blushing? It’s not like I like him” he mentally kicked himself yet his cheeks coloured even redder.

“Just say hi. And maybe if you’re lucky, he’ll talk to you again. Then, you can apologize” Jiyong suddenly felt nervous upon reaching Seunghyun, crumpling wrinkled shirts of his hands to ease his heart. Nevertheless, Jiyong has made up his mind and he’s not going back or even running away. He’s going to talk to Seunghyun today and kneel if he has to, in fact, Jiyong would probably do anything to get Seunghyun to look at him in the eye.

But Jiyong clearly doesn’t see this coming.

Perhaps, it was because of his messy and crazy thoughts that he had missed a loud warning at the back of his head. A ball hit him in the head, hard, and he fell onto his . The ball bounced a couple of centimetres away from his spot. Jiyong groaned at the sting on his forehead, also find the need to curl his lips upward because there is a trace of dirt on his white school shirt now. Noises and murmurs could be heard but he just brushed it away with a blink of eyes, palms digging on his temple as he tried to sort out a blurry image in front of him.  Jiyong shook his head with a wince and nodded when there’s a voice ask if he’s okay.

Then, his eyes saw a guy was holding out his palm. Squinting his eyes, he slowly traced his gaze from the long slender finger up to the person’s face. His heart was hammering against his ribcage loudly as Seunghyun’s eyes finally look into his. He’s here. Seunghyun’s here like always, lending a hand whenever he’s in trouble and Jiyong thought he couldn’t be more than happy. The glint in his eyes was reflected in Seunghyun’s eyes as they both exchanged silent glances and he wondered what the other guy was thinking at the moment because Jiyong found an urge to leap into Seunghyun’s arms and hugged him tightly so Seunghyun won’t disappear from the other ever again, and of course, to apologize for his mistake.

Jiyong quickly snapped out his thought when he registered a cough from behind him. He blinked at the outward hand before him, sliding from Seunghyun’s face back to the open palm. Jiyong can feel his body rushed with overwhelming feelings with lips curled inwardly and was about to pull up his hand and reach Seunghyun’s. However, Jiyong was stopped momentarily by the cold tone.

“The ball” the taller said to him without expression, eyebrows tensed in a straight line. Jiyong blinked, realizing he was holding a ball in his hands.

“Pass me the ball” He noticed the feet in front of him have been tapping quite impatiently against the ground so Jiyong held out the ball upward.

“Here, the ball” he only managed to say in a sad tone. Seunghyun didn’t even waste any second to grab the ball from his hand before walking away with his friends.

And so suddenly, Jiyong felt remorseful as he watched the taller’s back getting away from him. Choi Seunghyun is turning his back on him. Jiyong felt the sky fell on him and he turned numb in a flick of fingers. It was a bad sign. Seunghyun was avoiding him, the thought made his stomach lurched. But then Seunghyun turned his face around and his heart leapt almost instantly, standing on his feet as he waited for Seunghyun to speak.

“Thank you for the ball, Kwon Jiyong-ssi” the guy smiled back but it didn’t reach his ears and Jiyong doesn’t even feel happy seeing it. He felt terribly awful.

Kwon Jiyong-ssi. Jiyong limped as he walked, scoffing.

Unfortunately, like old faded pictures that were once bright with splash of colours, Jiyong can feel blankness crawling under his skin again and memories suddenly turned into a fluffy dream that never has been a reality because his brain registered that Choi Seunghyun also was slipping out from his palm, walking away and never turning back. Jiyong hold onto his chest. His heart aches painfully. Maybe, he did love affectionate touches and lingering gazes Seunghyun gave him. And maybe, after Seunghyun came into his life—he felt less lonely than he used to. But now, seeing how Choi Seunghyun refused to acknowledge his existence, Jiyong can feel himself sinking into another bigger hole.

“Great” Jiyong huffed, mumbling as he pinched the back of his neck. The flipping stomach of his doesn’t stop him from feeling sick. He should go home and call it a day.

 

-

 

The rooftop left unoccupied for the next couple of days.

 Jiyong wasn’t sure if he wanted to waste his time on the rooftop and Seunghyun had decided to stop visiting the rooftop since it was so tiring climbing the stairs. Although, the actual fact was because both of them trying very hard to avoid each other. As the other guy doesn’t seemed to care much at Jiyong’s effort in tying the lose end of their somewhat broken relationship, Jiyong had gradually stopped stealing glances at Seunghyun and Seunghyun didn’t even bother to look at Jiyong anymore.

Unintentionally, they are back to square one; where Kwon Jiyong and Choi Seunghyun never know each other, passing by the shoulder only to give a blank glance like strangers. Kwon Jiyong had stopped counting his fingers and get himself distracted with studies, each day shoving his head into thick books while Choi Seunghyun appeared, walking into the hallway and vanished into the thin air the next minute doing nothing, probably, together with his friends.

Seunghyun wasn’t seen at the Mist for days. Rumours were circulating that he and his friends stopped visiting the club because they’re bored at the same atmosphere and wanted a change of scenery. As for Jiyong, his life doesn’t change much and he continued contributing his energy between juggling his school and his work. Exhausting mind turned numb that he had stopped caring at every single thing.

“I don’t mind”, Jiyong said in response one day while lounging around the club with broom in his hand after Seungri brought up a question out of nowhere catching him off guard.

“Are you sure you don’t mind, hyung? You look out of place nowadays without Seunghyun hyung” Seungri mentioned with concern placed on his face. Jiyong doesn’t know what to respond so he just pulled a sad smile.

“I’m always like this, Seungri. I’m always a mess from the very start and Seunghyun doesn’t have anything with it. I’m very much clear-headed now that he was now out of my sight. At least, I can focus with my life without him bothering me with silly things” Jiyong said, doesn’t realize hands curling around the broom stick turned white.

“I don’t know how to say this hyung but—you’re different when you’re with Seunghyun hyung. Well, it’s not that obvious and I might be wrong. But then, you’re somehow sparkle when you’re with him. Not literally of course. Your eyes sparkled at certain times” the younger one halted to inhale a good amount of air.

“I noticed that you speak more, smiling without much force and actually enjoy being together with Seunghyun hyung Truthfully, I can see you like him, Jiyong hyung. I don’t know to what extent but at least you seemed alive than ever” Seungri squeezed him by the shoulder as he saw Jiyong was frowning, bitter.

“Give my questions a second thought. Are you sure you don’t mind not seeing Seunghyun hyung? Are you sure you’re okay parting ways with Seunghyun hyung? Are you sure that you won’t regret letting him go?” Jiyong flickered his eyes back to Seungri quickly.

Regret is unpleasant.

“Every problem has its own solutions, Jiyong hyung. Confront him and tell him the side of your story. I’m sure he’ll understand. A good friend like him is hard to come by” Seungri smiled before disappearing back into the club.

And Jiyong found himself wrecking his brain, thinking deeply about Seungri’s question that night, unable to sleep. Eyebrows creased and furrowed into tense lines, teeth digging into the soft flesh of his lips worryingly when he found the answer.

“I do mind, I guess” Jiyong curled into a ball before he silently sniffles under his blanket.

 

-

 

He doesn’t know where he got the courage. Blame it on his stupidity and even Seungri because it’s Seungri who got him into this. Youngbae too, though. He didn’t know when those two friends with each other. All of them know Jiyong is having a problem to talk to Seunghyun. It’s even hard to ask for his forgiveness. Out of nowhere, Youngbae suddenly suggested for Jiyong to meet Seunghyun at the new club opened just around the corner. It’s called the Tempo. It was tacky when he first saw the signboard but he didn’t comment on it and Jiyong found himself standing awkwardly in front VIP room. Seungri was next to his side, nudging him to knock on the door. Youngbae had excused himself a moment ago, saying that he needs to take care of some business. Family matter so Jiyong didn’t push it.

There’s loud music blasting from inside so Jiyong give his all and knock on the door, three times of a loud bang. He froze for a moment.  There’s no shuffling noises or scrambles to open the door. Maybe Seunghyun’s busy to open the door and perhaps, this is the cue for him to back home. Maybe, talking to Seunghyun tonight was not a very good idea at all. He gave Seungri an exasperated sigh before decided to turn around. Click. The door in front of them opened at the very last second and at that moment Jiyong came face to face with Choi Seunghyun’s best friend which is none other than Ok Taecyeon.

It’s a bad idea. His brain clicked as smirk came plastered on the tall guy’s face. ‘Hey, Seunghyun. Look who’s here’. He can hear the mocking laugh in between his words. His feet took a step back and about to pull Seungri with him but Taecyeon managed to slip his strong and squashed his slim body against him, making Jiyong realized he was now inside the room occupied with the presence of boys and girls whom he doesn’t recognized.

This is not good. At all. He’s not supposed to come. He wasn’t supposed to ignore the bad feeling he had along the way. He shouldn’t have knock the bell. Jiyong can’t help but to feel small when he found himself standing in the centre of attention. Realizing that Jiyong had yet make a move, Taecyeon wrapped his arms around Jiyong, a bit too tight making him conscious of their distance. The tall guy dragged him forward until both of them were finally in Seunghyun’s sight. Jiyong thought he would feel relieved if he meets Seunghyun because he expected the guy to save him from Taecyeon’s grip.

But the instant he saw a girl was wrapped around Seunghyun arm’s, body pressing close against the other’s chest, Jiyong found himself fumed and content with disappointment. The other guy spares him a brief glance of acknowledgment before turning his attention to the girl next to him, pulling out a grin. Bewilderment was apparent on Jiyong’s face. He doesn’t even dare to open his mouth, seeing at Seunghyun’s lack of reaction upon his presence, he wished that the world would swallow him whole because Jiyong was sure he is red from embarrassment.

“How long are you going stand there? Speak up, Kwon Jiyong” Taecyeon moved to seat next to Daesung, resting his arm on the armrest.

“Jiyong hyung, aren’t you going to say something?” Seungri nudged him by the elbow making Jiyong startled at the sudden skin contact.

“I..uh…I” Jiyong swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to search for his tongue, yet he couldn’t even make out anything. His brain went dead on him and Jiyong was clueless. He looked at Seunghyun again who were sipping down his drink, looking peaceful until the girl next to him snatched the glass away from his hand and drink from the same spot Seunghyun used to plant his lips a moment ago.

Another part of him was burning, Jiyong wasn’t sure why. The only thing he sure was he doesn’t like how Seunghyun just let the girl drink from his glass. He also doesn’t appreciate the possessive hand circled gingerly around her small waist. There are countless times that Jiyong used to encounter Seunghyun with girls, different girls every time and he never found it annoying as he did right now. He never bothered what kind of activities they indulged themselves in because Jiyong simply doesn’t care, neither about Seunghyun nor the girl. However, he can feel something sparked inside him tonight, was it jealousy? Jiyong squirmed in his spot and touched his nape, quickly moved his eyes to the floor.

“Leave” a hoarse voice spoke in a dangerous tone, cold.

Jiyong looked up and realized Seunghyun was the one that just spoken up, breaking the ice around them. The guy still had his eyes fixed on his glass, whirling it around as if thinking deeply. There was a crushing sounds echoed in his ears, mouth gaped open to say something but instantly cut off by Seunghyun.

“If you don’t have anything to say, leave” Jiyong doesn’t recognize the cold eyes that doesn’t even bother to look at him.

It felt as if arrows shot him right through the chest causing him to flinch at those words. The pain sting so much than the last one. Humiliation was something that Jiyong used to experience with Seunghyun, once and he never thought of being familiar with it. Nonetheless, he never felt so humiliated by just standing in front of bunch of guys and girls till Seunghyun uttered the last word carelessly. Balling his fist in tight grip, Jiyong resisted the urge to bark at Seunghyun, feeling heat creeps up to his neck and red flushes on his cheek.

“Sorry for interrupting” He nodded his head weakly before turning his heels.

That’s all it takes for Jiyong to scramble back out of the door. Panic. Nauseous. Dizzy. He can’t breathe and heavy feeling dumped onto him once that Jiyong had to gasp for air. He ran, stumbling through people and found his way to the toilet. Hurriedly, Jiyong bang one of the cubicle’s door and squats down. Groaning, he forced himself to throw up. There was nothing, only dry heaves so he digs the heel of his palm against the toilet bowl and shoved a finger down his throat. Again, nothing.

And suddenly, Jiyong felt the urge to cry because he feels so pathetic. He brought an arm over his face and tried to calm his heavy breath until there were shuffles of shoes heard. Seungri was there, standing a few centimetres away as if afraid to approach him. It dawned upon him that Seungri saw—everything and Jiyong felt smaller, trapped even under the judgemental gaze.

 

-

 

Seunghyun thinks he will forget Jiyong someday. It’s not hard to move on. If he stopped seeing the boy, Seunghyun had assured himself that the image of Jiyong looking fragile will eventually fades away from his memories. He also thinks, if he’s smart enough to ignore the boy’s presence and be cold towards him, the pain stinging in his chest will subsides.

At first, it was kind of hard to ignore the sting jabbed onto the corner of his heart but Seunghyun lets fake laughter echoed from his mouth to forget the pain, drowning himself in a tangle of smokes and bottles of alcohol. He didn’t remember much except for lingering touches from strangers last night, loud hollering from his friends when he chugged down beer non-stop from a very big glass (like very very big) and stumbling down stairs with hazy mind and collapsed somewhere between his bedroom and his bathroom.

Seunghyun wakes up with a sh.tty hangover in the next day, tripping over Taecyeon’s long limb and managed to stable himself on his feet only after kicking Taecyeon by the ribs, earning a loud groan, stifling under arms and his friend turned around to snuggle under Daesung’s chest. Seunghyun snorted under his breath and cleaned himself afterwards getting ready to go to school. The habit repeats itself and became a daily life for him after that.

One day, Taecyeon suggested them to go have fun at the Tempo; the new club opened just two weeks ago, three blocks away from the Mist and they might have to go there by a car, Taecyeon’s probably since he’s the only who can actually drive and have license. Seunghyun said the name is tacky, nonetheless, quickly nodded his head right away when Daesung asked for his confirmation if he’s coming along.

“I needed this” Seunghyun said, puffing a couple of smokes in the air. Daesung and Taecyeon gave him a confused look but Seunghyun didn’t bother to explain any further.

The cycle of his unhealthy life goes on for four and five days (or was it six?). Seunghyun used to count days before, he wasn’t sure why though, and he just thought it’ll help him getting distracted. But then, the sound of clock ticking on the wall is too loud, the heavy breathing caught in his throat was too heavy to push away and the whirling image due to the side effect of alcohol is making him dizzy. So, Seunghyun had stopped counting days and nights. He somehow forgets everything that would usually matters in his head because Seunghyun doesn’t want to care anymore. He stopped caring either about Kwon Jiyong or about Choi Dongwook.

But the thing is only by thinking isn’t going to make it into reality. Because it is not some sort of magic that will make his pain disappears into thin air. Maybe, it’s that hard to move on after all. It’s in fact, his first time falling too deep with someone, his first love if he could define it clearly as Bom noona would usually addressed it to him. Seunghyun would rather call it as infatuation though. He likes Jiyong, very much if he could say but he wasn’t sure if he would go to the length as calling it love. Love is too complicated. Seunghyun hates complicated things. And thinking again, everything about Jiyong is complicated.

And so here he is, standing with body leaning uncomfortably against the door frame with unsorted mind, doing nothing. Seunghyun doesn’t know what they’re doing until he could hear noisy sounds like throwing up, and then he could hear Seungri said ‘Let it out, hyung’. It clicked in him that it was Jiyong who’s busy puking who-knows-what. Seunghyun can imagine Jiyong, frail bones bending over the toilet bowl with hands circling over the rim and Seungri runs his hands up and down Jiyong’s cold back.

A lump of emotions formed in his throat, Seunghyun clasped his mouth so he won’t make a sound. He feels funny in his chest, fuzzy. Harsh jabbed of knives sliced him, making Seunghyun shivered and flinched. He should go, Seunghyun straightened up his back and about to stride a walk, till he heard bitter laugh on the other side of the door.

“I guess you’re right, Seungri” it was Jiyong. His voice was weak and feeble. Seunghyun frowned at this.

“You’re right. I don’t want to lose him. I want him to stay” Seunghyun was confused now. Who is he? Is it Dongwook hyung? He felt an anger quickly rising in him.

“I was so convinced that I hate him so much” there were sounds Jiyong made at the back of his throat and Seunghyun wondered for a second if he should bring him water.

“But now, after seeing him not even bothered to look at me—it actually hurts, y’know. I don’t know if I should have these feelings. I don’t even know if these feelings are right or wrong” His stomach was doing somersaults now. Thoughts were tumbling now on each other so Seunghyun grasped on the wall, steadying his shaken legs.

“I thought I don’t mind if he’s with me or not because I don’t really care. I was used not care about anything before so, no, I thought. Seunghyun wasn’t going to change anything. But when he did disappear without any last word, I hate him more. Even more than he used to keep pestering me” dry heaves from Jiyong’s mouth made Seunghyun shifted on his spot, fidgeting over the hem of his shirt.

“And that’s where these mixed emotions came. I don’t know what or how but—these emotions made me realized that I did care about him. About Seunghyun, Choi f.cking Seunghyun” Seunghyun quirked a small smile at Jiyong’s bitter laugh on his last word.

“I don’t want to lose him, Seungri. What should I do?” he could hear sniffles and there were a long pause.

Seunghyun can hear soft whimpers escaped and there were shuffles of shoes padding against the ground. It was bothering him that he can’t see or hear anything. His legs shifted for a second, however, had accidentally kicked the door and made a thud sound. Quickly, Seunghyun moved to hide behind the wall as the door creaks open, leaving nothing to see. The last thing he wanted to do is peeking on Jiyong, pouring sad confession about him at Seungri.

“It must be the wind” it was Seungri. “I’ll get you water, hyung. Stay here” Jiyong hums at him.

Before Seunghyun could even turn around and get ready to bolt away from the toilet, Seungri caught him with a glance. The look tells him so much that Seunghyun doesn’t even dare to move. The boy might be younger than he is but Seunghyun knows how mature he is deep inside. Seungri doesn’t seem surprised at his presence, instead his stern face looked as if he had expected Seunghyun to be there. He knew, Seunghyun thinks. The boy knew he was there all the time.

Both of them stilled until Seungri dropped his head only to motion for Seunghyun to walk forward, following him. There’s reluctance in his silent steps, yet his legs followed nonetheless, doesn’t stop until they both reach outside. As soon as they both were outside, Seunghyun shivered under the gush of wind, slapping his skin quite painfully. It’s cold. He should’ve brought his sweater with him.

Sliding a hand inside his pocket, Seunghyun fishes out a Marlboro box and sticks a white tube over his lips. He lit it up and blows a puff of smoke. Seungri watched him with weary eyes and Seunghyun wonders if he’s doing anything wrong, debating even, if he should offer the kid a cigarette. Seunghyun did offer a bit later but Seungri just waved his hands and told him that ‘I don’t want to die fast’, causing Seunghyun to scoff in response.

Jiyong told him the same thing before, he can picture how Jiyong’s face would break down in a tense expression, repeating the same thing over and over again about how many people died in a day because of this-so called cancer sticks and Seunghyun would just laughed loudly at him after that. He sighed as he felt empty in his chest.

“What happened?” Seungri started. Dark shadows under his eyes looked heavy to Seunghyun and he pondered for a moment if the boy had ever slept at all.

“I don’t know. Stuffs, bullsh.ts, everything came in form of tornado and it’s too much for me, I guess” he shrugs like it doesn’t matter. Seunghyun hugged his arms and looked at the sky. There are no bright stars tonight and he could see shades of gray coloured in the midst of dark sky. It’s going to rain, Seunghyun thought silently as he lets the cigarette dangle on the edge of his lips.

“You’re not the only one that’s having a hard time, Seunghyun hyung. Give him a chance”

 “It’s easy for you to say” Seunghyun snorted, looking quite unflatter. The way Seungri said sounds easy, when it’s not actually. None of it was easy for him. Looking at Jiyong from distance, cares for Jiyong and shows the boy that Seunghyun value him so much, only to have his affection trampled carelessly like a piece of sh.t—just because Choi Dongwook happened.

“Maybe” Seungri spoke, tone were hushed down.

“But you know, what you happened to see or hear back there was not a first time” Seungri gulped a saliva down his throat and Seunghyun could see his eyes casted down in exasperation.

“What?” Seunghyun asked when the question sunk into his brain. Not a first time? What does he mean by that?

“There are a couple of things I happened to notice since I worked with Jiyong hyung at the club” Seungri ruffled his hair, lips turned up in the corner.

“Like how Jiyong hyung used to space out for a couple of minutes only to inhale a sharp breath of fresh air afterwards or how he would crouched and curled into ball for a good few minutes and tells me that he was fine with a smile. There are couple of times I saw him taking pills and when I asked him what kind of pills is it, he just said it was for headache. I thought that he was just tired and exhausted, sick even.”

“Until one day, I caught him talking with his mom in his phone. They were fighting, I guess. He sounded weak but his tone was harsh. He bolted right away after he cut off the phone call and I followed him. I saw him pushing his fingers down his throat and vomited everything. Even though there’s nothing out from his mouth, he would force himself to throw it up. At first, I don’t understand. But when I encountered him bending over the toilet bowl puking nothing but dry heaves for so many times, I was bothered.”

“I was right, he was tired and exhausted but I never thought of him being depressed. The pills he used to take were anti-depression pills. I had meant to talk about it with Jiyong hyung after that but then—your presence must have helped him in some way because as the day passed by, the frequency of him locked inside the cubicles becoming lesser and the pills were left untouched so I stopped caring”

“The thing is—these reckless actions are starting to rise again and I know that you something to do with it. I know that I might come out a bit too nosy for my own good, but I’m just afraid—that one day, he’ll break down”

“What are you trying to say?” Seunghyun croaked, voice hoarse from the heavy smokes filled in his lungs.

“I’m just telling you to stop whatever bullsh.t you’re trying to pull because it’s obvious you hate avoiding him. You even had the b.alls to creep behind the door”

“Hey, I just wanted to wash my hands off, okay” Seunghyun said defensively but Seungri just rolled his eyes dramatically as though he doesn’t believe in Seunghyun. It’s true though. Okay, it’s half-true. He did want to wash his hands but most of all, he just wanted to make sure Jiyong was all right.

“It’s not like Jiyong hyung to be honest with someone. You know how stubborn he is. But as you can see—back there” there was reluctance, like Seungri was careful with finding the exact words.

“He’s weak” and Seunghyun felt guilty shoved down his throat. He never meant to hurt the boy, he just wanted Jiyong to go away because if he’s getting closer, Seunghyun might be the one who can never let go. He’s a coward, Seunghyun knows that much.

“Just hear him out, Seunghyun hyung. You can move on after hearing his explanation” Seunghyun tried to argue with snide remarks, or say something comforting like ‘Jiyong will be alright and he doesn’t need me’ but his lips cannot form anything. Seunghyun only stared at his white tubes, burning into crisp as it slowly turned to ashes.

Seunghyun never had a proper conversation with Seungri, even less sharing a good amount of terrible jokes. He was sorry for breaking Seungri’s face before. But hey, he asked for it and Seunghyun never regrets about it. Thanks to him, Kwon Jiyong and Lee Seungri became friends under circumstances. Seunghyun never liked the boy, he even turned into green-eyed monster because Jiyong once dumped him for Seungri.

But as time goes by, Seunghyun learned to accept the boy. They used to exchange a brief glances at each other in gesture of acknowledgement but never say a word. And after having this talk with the boy, Seunghyun could see why Jiyong favoured Seungri over him. Unlike his appearance, Choi Seunghyun is childish and Lee Seungri is pretty matured than he looked.

“And just so you know, this conversation never happened” that’s it, it was his last words before Seungri went to stride back into the building, to bring Jiyong hyung water; he could hear Seungri said lowly. Seunghyun just had to laugh in the back of his throat as if trying to relax his tense muscle but there’s still pressure pushing in his stomach.

 

-

 

Perhaps, Seunghyun had missed Jiyong, after all.

He knows he wasn’t supposed to but then the ache and throb clinging in his heart doesn’t seem to be stopping any time soon. And maybe, that was partially the reason Seunghyun stood in store at the back of the club, watching as Jiyong fumbled with boxes of wine in his hands. The boy’s a hardworking kid, Seunghyun had long acknowledged the fact but he still can’t stop from being awed at the boy’s effort. Seunghyun watched Jiyong gripped on the bottom of the box and tip-toed so he could fix a tight hold on the box before he brings it down. The box looked pretty heavy for Jiyong’s size and Seunghyun shouldn’t really matter about it, it’s not his business anyway. He was there to grab a bottle of wine and maybe, to take a peek on the boy for a second before disappearing among the large crowd, and get back to his friends.

Seunghyun should have taken a step back.

He should’ve stopped watching Jiyong tip-toed with shaken legs, reaching a box on the higher shelf which was probably packed with glasses, hooking a hand under the box and tried to get a grip on the box yet failed miserably when Jiyong stumbled on his feet, the heavy box moved sideways and almost fell on the boy. There was a yelp. A subtle gasp. Seunghyun can see Jiyong closing his eyes now, fear written on his face and Seunghyun felt his heart dropped in a flash. Except for loud beating of a heart, nothing happened.

Then, Seunghyun shifted uncomfortably on his spot and pushed the box back to its place, his shoes making a squeaky sound and caught the boy’s attention. Their eyes met for a brief moment. Seunghyun didn’t even realize he had come behind Jiyong and stopped the box from falling until Jiyong looked at him, his back bumped against his hard chest. His hand had rested against the curve of Jiyong’s waist and the warmness is sending electrifying chills to his back that Seunghyun don’t have the heart to pull away. Jiyong is warm and he smells sweet, too sweet for a boy.

Jiyong turned slightly in Seunghyun’s arms to get a full view of the tall guy, looking up with dilated eyes as if bewildered upon Seunghyun’s presence. Again, that was Seunghyun’s cue to leave and take a step back, away from the warmth, away from the longing gazes because Seunghyun clearly doesn’t need this. Seunghyun was supposed to forget about Jiyong. He’s not even supposed to think about how Jiyong melt in his arms and how those full red lips would taste like if he meshed their mouth altogether.

“Move!” he could hear his brain shout at him.

Taking a step back was so easy back then and Seunghyun should drop his hand and go away. Only that’s not what happens as Seunghyun found himself staring at Jiyong longer than a brief moment. Letting his body hovered closer to the small boy in the cramp place and moved his hand just so it would graze slightly against Jiyong’s.  While his other hand curled around the curve of Jiyong’s hips, Seunghyun choked as his chest tightened. Only a hopeful thinking was left before it turned into smokes and fades.

Seunghyun had expected for Jiyong’s snarky remarks or brutal push. Instead of hearing “Go away, Seunghyun!” or “Let go of me, you jerk”, he could only hear a sigh of relief, lips slanted a bit forming into a small smile, a smile which managed to make his heart skip a beat. He missed this. He missed being closer to Jiyong, watching the pair of brown eyes sparkled under his him.

“My shift will be over in 30 minutes” Jiyong said in a small voice. “Do you want to get ice-cream after this?”

 

-

 

Jiyong had rushed out of the club once his shift was over. Eyes keenly looking around, scanning every figure up and down as his breath flowed out uneven. There’s a feeling clutch onto his chest the moment he stepped out and Jiyong knows it very well. Fear was creeping under his skin, digging deeper when Jiyong failed to catch a sigh of Seunghyun. No.No. He can’t leave, Jiyong shook his head nervously. His legs didn’t stop running around the club until he caught a figure leaning against the wall with a joint in his hand, smokes fleeting around in the midst of air. Seunghyun was waiting there, a couple of metres away from him.

Dragging his legs, Jiyong slowly approached the taller guy. Seunghyun turned and their eyes make a contact. Seunghyun’s shoulder tensed up as Jiyong’s steps were getting closer so the boy halted, dropping his hand by his sides , Jiyong forced himself to relax. He debated in his mind whether he should speak or not because seeing Seunghyun turning away from him is making him unsettled. He was afraid that the chance to talk or even to look at the guy would be no longer available.

“I—Sorry for the long wait, Seunghyun” Jiyong tried to stumble on his weak legs, grips tighten, clenching and unclenching by his sides.

Seunghyun finished his last cigarette with a deep long inhale before throwing the cigarette across the floor and stamped his legs on it. Hard. Then, he turned his heels around and takes a full view of Jiyong. The boy had a pink scarf wrapped around his neck with a beanie on top of his head. His eyes were focused on him, looking at Seunghyun very intently that Seunghyun suddenly had trouble breathing. Jiyong never give him his full attention, a usual shrug accompanied with a slight hand wave to his face was his usual response but never this straightforward, undivided attention.

“Want to go get an ice-cream?” Jiyong asked, eyes-wide staring at Seunghyun.

Seunghyun never agreed to this unexpected meeting. He never says a word. But he wasn’t sure why he waited for Jiyong outside the club. However, at the thought of cold ice-cream melting in his mouth doesn’t sound so bad. It was a good idea actually. So, Seunghyun just shrugged off his shoulder plainly and start his walk. Jiyong didn’t catch up to him, Seunghyun didn’t saw him settling next to Seunghyun but he could hear padding of shoes against the tar. This time it’s Jiyong’s turn to trail behind him like a puppy, Seunghyun found this oddly interesting, lips quirked up a bit.

Both of them were seating on the bench across the park later, under the starry night with ice-cream on their handsJiyong looked at the stilled guy whose too busy eating his ice-cream, chocolate smudged near his lips. Jiyong felt an an urge in himself, to wipe away the chocolate, smooth his fingertips across the guy’s face and maybe, trailed his fingers up along Seunghyun’s lips as well. He flushed at sudden impure thoughts. Knocking his head with knuckles, He looked away, cheeks turning deep scarlet.

“Are you going to stop avoiding me now, Seunghyun?”

It’s like a déjà vu. They were here too when Jiyong avoided Seunghyun, eating the same type of ice-cream, knees bumping against each other slightly.

Seunghyun’s face didn’t change but Jiyong knows that Seunghyun knows. In fact, they both know what they’re doing these past days. Youngbae’s words of advice flashed through his mind and somehow Jiyong found himself agreeing with his friend. Avoidance won’t solve a problem. Jiyong learns that it won’t solve anything, things just won’t change. He his ice-cream as he waited for Seunghyun to say something, anything. For a while the silence grows into a screeching silence that can’t stop scraping against his skin so Jiyong glanced at Seunghyun again and saw the guy’s ice-cream almost finished, so he opened his mouth.

“I’ll go buy you another one” Jiyong said, getting up from the seat and throw away his half-eaten ice-cream.

“I’m not here for the ice-cream” Seunghyun finally rasp out and Jiyong sit back down again, lowering his head.

It’s simply not about the ice-cream. Seunghyun didn’t come for the ice-cream. No, his presence there was more than that. Ice-cream was just an excuse for him to cover himself. Whenever they’re in trouble, ice-cream was there to make they feel better, make Seunghyun feel better with ice-cream melting in his mouth. Strangely enough, ice-cream doesn’t help Seunghyun to ease his scattering-self tonight.

“I know—I know you’re not here for the ice-cream” Jiyong clasped both of his hands, trying very hard not to stutter.

“But ice-cream is the only thing I know about you” And maybe, because ice-cream is the only thing Jiyong relate with Choi Seunghyun. Jiyong pulled the beanie to cover half of his face, feeling ashamed at himself.

“No, it’s not. There’s still Dongwook hyung aside from ice-cream so—no. Ice-cream is not the only thing you know about me” Seunghyun mumbled in daze and Jiyong had never wanted to dig a hole for himself so much till now.

“Yeah. I guess there’s still that” Jiyong muttered, scoffed lightly and nods his head.

Seunghyun’s eyes were empty when he lifts his head. Jiyong can’t read him and he hates it because Jiyong is seriously craving, needing to know more about Choi Seunghyun so Jiyong won’t make a mistake and Seunghyun won’t leave him alone again. The heavy feeling kicking in his guts made him winced.

“I’m sorry, Seunghyun” Jiyong says slowly and a part of him aches.

Jiyong wishes it was simple. He wishes that it could be this simple, easy as saying sorry. He wishes he weren’t afraid before. He wishes he weren’t a coward or else trouble never would have gone in between them. He wishes being Choi Dongwook's ex-boyfriend never was a problem and Choi Seunghyun could be his friend again. But reality is an a.ss and Jiyong hates to confront it.

“It’s not sorry that I want, Jiyong” Seunghyun breathed out harshly, leaning back with head tilted upwards.

“Sorry doesn’t solve anything, Jiyong. It’s just simply a word that won’t make any change so stop saying sorry whenever you feel you like it because saying it multiple times would lose its real meaning” Seunghyun dipped his hand inside his pocket and heaved out loudly. It exhausting, tense atmosphere draping over both of them was too heavy.

“What else am I supposed to say then?” what else do you want to hear?

Jiyong tugged hard at Seunghyun’s shirt so the guy would glance at him. The cold look didn’t even waver at Jiyong’s warm touch that Jiyong suddenly afraid meeting Seunghyun in the eyes. He wondered if he’s meeting Seunghyun tonight was a mistake. Because Seunghyun doesn’t seemed familiar to him, the look Seunghyun’s been giving him was almost close to what Jiyong would call a stranger.

“I’m going home” Seunghyun retrieved his back and gets up quickly, almost stumbling on his dead legs. Anger was raging in himself, boiling hot inside. It’s a waste of time of seating here and waits for nothing. Jiyong just doesn’t change. It’s as simple as that so he moved to start his track.

“I’ll tell you” Jiyong said abruptly, voice a little too high for boys.

Seunghyun didn’t turn around but he didn’t move either so he a deep breath. Jiyong hates reality and he hates it more to confront it but maybe this what Seunghyun want. So he can try. He’s a coward, weak too but maybe, with Seunghyun by his side his fear would become lesser and the heavy weight wouldn’t burden him so much.

“I’ll tell you the truth, tomorrow. Give me your tomorrow and I’ll tell you everything. About me, Dongwook hyung, my family, my parents—everything” he gulped the lump in his throat and stood up. Standing close to Seunghyun, Jiyong tugged the hem of the guy’s shirt and sniffed.

“Tomorrow, meet me here. 3 p.m. I’ll wait for you”

That night, Seunghyun didn’t send Jiyong home. They both parted at the park. Jiyong turned the other way while Seunghyun already left to round another block opposite of him. Jiyong walk alone that night like he used to. Loneliness was something Jiyong used to since Dongwook  hyung’s death and he was supposed to feel familiar with it, getting accustomed to it. However, after having Seunghyun brightened up his life, day by day, only to leave Jiyong stranded and alone in the cold after a fight, Jiyong felt extremely empty.

Lost.

Seunghyun didn’t agree to meet him tomorrow. There’s no answer given. Just a stranded hope flew in the air. The guy didn’t even look at him either. But Jiyong doesn’t take no as an answer. He’s going to come up tomorrow with a smile, ice-cream in his hands and waits for Seunghyun. No matter how long it takes, Jiyong is going to gain Seunghyun’s trust again. It’s probably going to amount so many effort yet Jiyong doesn’t care. Jiyong doesn’t want to feel regret. He just wants Seunghyun back and makes him tells Jiyong his stupid jokes. It’s okay to have a hard for once because Seunghyun is different and Kwon Jiyong likes Choi Seunghyun.

 

-

 

Sh.t. Sh.t. Sh.t.

Seunghyun found himself running now, speeding down the streets, knocking over some people of his way. He’s late, freaking late to meet Jiyong. He glanced at his watch, it reads 7.47 p.m. He heaved out loudly before Seunghyun himself at full speed, which he doesn’t even know he has. A black cashmere suit draped over his broad shoulders suddenly felt tight against his body and the white shirt under it was sticking to his skin so much that irked Seunghyun in the nerve. Tie has long loosely hanging around his neck.

He just got back from his family dinner actually. It was unexpected. He didn’t want to go truthfully and Seunghyun was looking forward to meet Jiyong at the park from the morning. Until his mother decided to come into his room with a gloomy face, sitting by his bed and forced a smile at him. She asked him a request that wasn’t for him, usually. There’s a dinner going to be held in their villa and there are guests invited. It was a tradition in the family since the company is already in 10^th years of anniversary. When his mom had asked him to participate in the dinner, Seunghyun was stunned.

He could still remember the first time he went, it was nightmare and Seunghyun swear to never come again. Dongwook hyung would always present at these kind of event. The guy would struts around the room with a glass of expensive wine in his hand and a smile dangle on the corner of his lips. He would come in the room a bright smile and walk confidently across the room, approaching every guests, one by one and speaks their full name without fail. They talk about business, venturing a partnership between companies and works. They even talk about the countless works, money, influence and power.

Everything adult-like will be discussed in the room, mumbling a couple of awkward jokes and laughing loudly with a hand clasp over their mouth as if their fake laugh would go unnoticed. Then, his father would stand by the side along with his mother, hooking their arms together, smiling sweetly at guests. His father would proudly look from afar and give Dongwook hyung a brief glance of acknowledgement before boasting and bragging around the crowd that the finest intelligent, handsome man over there is his son. Choi Dongwook is his son and he’s proud of it.

Seunghyun had been there by his brother’s side. He had seen all of it and he tried very hard to fit in himself into the crowd. He wanted his father to notice him too so he speaks to the guests yet come out as unprepared, stuttering. He did stumble and stepped onto a few dresses of the guests and all he earns was a glare from his father. He apologized but his brother said it’s doesn’t matter. They don’t even bother at his apology. Like his shabby clothes stood out in the middle of branded cashmere suits and expensive dresses, Seunghyun realized that he doesn’t belong there. His father won’t appreciate his effort, his brother would always overshadow him and Seunghyun would still stand behind his brother’s shadow. So he stopped trying and become himself.

He’s brother is gone now and his mother was asking him a favour to attend the dinner just for his brother’s sake. Seunghyun really doesn’t want to go. He loses hope after his first nightmare and he even swear to himself. But his ego hurts and the scar from his nightmare was wounded deeply in his chest that Seunghyun can’t chose to ignore it.

“Prove to your father that you can make him proud too” was all Bom noona said to him when she entered his room.

Bon knows where his weaknesses stand and so he agreed to his mother, quickly nodding his head. His father gave him a brief glance and Seunghyun felt relieved. It was a good start. At least he received acknowledgement from his father. At least, he won’t get yelled at. At least, he can prove to his father that he can make his father proud too, just like Dongwook hyung.

With Bom noona on his side, Seunghyun tried his hardest to strut around the room with a confident smile, wine in his hand while Bom hooked both of their arms. He opened a conversation and talks about people, life and friends, the topics were different than what Dongwook hyung used to speak about when attending these sort of events. Yet, there were laughs and smiles, showing how they love and appreciate his effort so Seunghyun pulled his grin wider and smiled at Bom. He saw his father looked at him with affection and probably, heard the old man talk about him too.

“He’s my youngest son and he’s my last pride.”

This brings a satisfied grin to his face.

And that’s why he’s standing now, huffing a heavy sigh as he tried to steady his breathing. As soon as the dinner comes to an end, Seunghyun had excused himself to make a phone call. He had meant to call Youngbae and asked the guy to drop by his house later to pick up his laundry since the rain were pouring down like crazy. By the time he open his phone, there were 29 missed calls and voicemails in his inbox. It dawned upon him. He had forgotten about the date. The scheduled meeting with Jiyong in the park and it’s already 7 p.m.

 

Beep.

“Hi, Seunghyun. It’ Jiyong. Sorry, I forgot to inform you I got your number from Youngbae. Hope you don’t mind. Anyway, just want to remind you about tomorrow”

Beep.

“Hey, Seunghyun. It’s Jiyong again. I just want to tell you I’m here already. It’s already passed fifteen minutes. Anyway, I’ll just wait for you here. Okay, then. Bye”

Beep.

“Um, hey. Sorry for calling again but are you going to be late? Sorry for being a nuisance. I’m sitting by the bench, okay? Call me when you’re not busy”

Beep.

“Uhh… Hello? I’m so sorry for disturbing but can you hurry up? Because the ice-cream is melting and I seriously don’t know what to do with this. Haha. I bought your favourite ice-cream. Thought just want to let you know because I know that you’ll bolt right away. Anyway, hurry up. I’ll wait for you”

Beep.

“Hey…*sniff*…Seunghyun. It’s raining heavily right now so *sniff* I have to sit under the tree. Call me when you get this message. *sniff* Bye”

Beep.

“Um, Seunghyun? If you’re too busy you can just tell me where you are. I’ll meet you there. Call me or text me quickly, okay? Thanks”

Beep.

“Hi... It’s me again, Jiyong. I guess you’re really not coming huh? I’m sorry for troubling you with the voicemails. Haha. I’m still waiting for you at the park if you’re wondering. Just want to say I’m sorry—. I forgot you hate me saying sorry. Sorry. Oh wait I mean—No. I’m not sorry. Damn, I’m spouting nonsense. Oh okay. Bye”

Beep.

 

“Sh.t. F.ck this !” He shoved his phone down his pocket and ran as fast as he could.

By the time Seunghyun arrived at the park, there’s only drizzling rain dripping down from the sky. Damp earthy smell was strong and rain drops, trickling along his face down to his jaw and disappeared under his white shirt. He moved to search for the skinny figure and his heart instantly dropped when he caught Jiyong siting under a tree, crouching with his knees pulled to his chest and blankly stared on the ground. The boy looked lost and sad at the same time. A chill run down his bones and Seunghyun never felt sorry until now.

“What are you doing?” Seunghyun loudly asked.

“S-Seunghyun” Jiyong croaked out in a broken tone, face tilted up as he saw Seunghyun approached him.

The boy was drenched in his wet clothes. It seemed like Jiyong never walk away from the spot, there’s even no umbrella in sight. If Seunghyun looked even more closely, he could probably see tears in his eyes. Jiyong is crying; the realization stuns him. Has he been crying these past hours? Seunghyun felt anger rising in himself, his blood boiling so much that the cold around him doesn’t even calm him.

“What are you even doing?!”

Jiyong didn’t even have time to respond, Seunghyun has already grabbing onto his arm really hard, hauling him from the muddy ground. Jiyong stiffen under his gaze, completely perplexed by the sudden outburst. Seunghyun drifted his eyes from the wet hairs; down to the soak shirt sticking close to Jiyong’s shivering body.

“What the f.ck are you doing, Kwon Jiyong?” Seunghyun hissed sharply under his breath. He didn’t ask for this. He didn’t ask for Jiyong to wait for him. He didn’t ask for Jiyong to cry for him so why—what did he do that Jiyong came up with a conclusion to wait for him for five straight hours like a goddamn fool?

“You came” Jiyong even had the nerve to smile at him.

“I knew you’ll come” the boy’s eyes beaming brightly and Seunghyun might have seen light shining from his back.

Seunghyun could only sigh tiredly. Seeing the boy smiling made his dark world seemingly brighter than usual. Seunghyun saw Jiyong shivered under the cold wind so he took of his suit and draped it over Jiyong thins frame. The boy was hesitant to take it but Seunghyun pass him the glare to shut him up. Slipping his hands under Jiyong’s arms, Seunghyun pulled him close to his chest.

“Come on, let’s get you freshen up. There’s even dirt on your face” Seunghyun tried to pull Jiyong with him but the shorter one winced. Seunghyun stopped, eyes wide staring at Jiyong again, this time his face turned softer than last time.

“What the h.ell did you do this time?” Seunghyun tried his best to glare but the pout on Jiyong’s lips was so tempting and he immediately softens up.

“I might have tripped and sprained my ankle?” Jiyong said innocently. Seunghyun rolled his eyes and palmed his face, trying his best to groaning aloud. Bending forward, Seunghyun kneel down on his knees. Turning his face around to look at Jiyong, Seunghyun opened his mouth.

“Get on”

“Huh?”

“I said get on”

“But I can walk—like very slow. It’s okay. I can manage this” Seunghyun pulled out his hair frustratingly at Jiyong’s response and gets up, leaning close to Jiyong, leaving only a couple of centimetres apart and the boy gasped.

“If you don’t get on my back this instant, I’ll have to kiss you”

There’s no argument or bickering as soon Seunghyun squats down again. Jiyong slowly gets on his back and tried very hard to let pressure pushing against Seunghyun. Jiyong lets his hands sneaked around Seunghyun’s neck. A hand slipped under his thigh, trailing up, his cheeks went red and Jiyong tried his best to ignore where the hand rested. Seunghyun gets on his feets, straightened up his back and get a firm grip on Jiyong’s thigh just so the boy won’t fall. After taking a slow breath, Seunghyun walks steadily with Jiyong close against his back.

“Why did you even wait for me, Jiyong?” Seunghyun asked. Blamed on his curiosity but he’s dying to know. He wanted to know why Kwon Jiyong wasn’t being his smart-self today. The boy is smarter than this, even smarter not to hurt his man pride.

“Because I told you that I’ll wait. I’ll wait until you come and look, you did come. You even took pity on me and carry me back home” a warm breath of Jiyong against his neck felt very sensual right now that Seunghyun had to gulp his saliva down. Not now. Just please, not when he’s having Jiyong on his back.

“I didn’t take pity on you. It’s my responsibility, Jiyong. I made you through this crap. So the least I could do is to make up for the mistake. I’m sorry for coming late. I forgot about it”

“It’s okay. You’re here now, right? The wait worth it” Jiyong’s grip against his neck was tighter and firm as if he didn’t want to let go.

“You’re stupid” He said, sighing heavily.

“Maybe, I am” Jiyong said, light glinted in his eyes as he sheepishly smiled.

Seunghyun hates complicated things. Love is complicated. Kwon Jiyong is too complicated. The thing is Choi Seunghyun used to think he kind of likes Kwon Jiyong. But now, he is hundred percent sure, he likes Kwon Jiyong a little too much for his own good and complicated things don’t matter anymore. Seunghyun knows that it takes a lifetime to forget the boy’s bright smile so he doesn’t worry about it anymore.

All that matter is Kwon Jiyong.

 

 

______________________________________________

 

 

A/N : Yay! An update! Damn. I'm so sory for the word vomit. haha. It wasn't supposed to be this long but then as soon as I ended writing, this freaking long post came up haha. I'm so sorry for the late update. But I really hope that you guys would love this chapter as much as I do. I dedicate this post to my dear reader for their comments. @saraXX , @mintalien , @mintalien , @neganiniii , @guriasob , @gdtop8887, @CKRRVIP, @alaynestone, @didoe84 , @sabrinete, @annakaoya, @jilovetabi, @xwzji_ , @kutunakal , @roaringtabi, @bigbxng.I love you guys so much! I'll try to update as soon as I can. Thank you for be patient with me and thank your never ending support. I love you guys so much. Please tell me your thoughts on this chapter because this will help me so much. I'll see you soon okay :D